The 4 C Heart: My Journal Journey into Womanhood

By Anna E Styron

This series encompasses the life journey of the author's story as an African American woman who has had many ups and downs but yet kept her faith grounded in God. Book two brings us up, close, and personal into her journey. A woman's journey in life can be difficult, terrifying, and seemingly impossible at times. But one thing to remember is tha

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anna Styron
• Release date: Sep 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9781736737033

Book preview

Introduction

"He has put a new song in my mouth—

Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear.

And will trust in the LORD."—Psalm 40:3 (NKJV)

As women, we are given the gift to be emotional (yes, it is a gift, not a fault, not a weakness). We are also given the gift to be nurturing and to be sensitive to the supernatural. These are the reasons why Satan came to the woman in the Garden of Eden. He knew there was something about the woman and what she carries. Women carry a womb, which carries the bloodlines of the next generation. Heaven has a desired generational narrative, but so does hell. Satan knew in that moment that if he could plant a seed of identity confusion, then he could play on Eve’s emotions and feed her the biggest, most detrimental lie: that humans are not enough, even though God told us we were perfect when He created us!

This is a lie of insecurity that plagues the minds of women today. We do not amount to enough. We are not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not creative enough, not skilled enough, not competitive enough, not strong enough, not brave enough, not thin enough, not thick enough, not dark enough, not light enough, not black/white/Asian/Hispanic/Indian enough, not smart enough, not feminine enough, not health conscientious enough, not wealthy enough, not accomplished enough, not independent enough, not married or having kids soon enough, not busy enough, not attentive enough, not liberal enough, not conservative enough, not spiritual enough, not woke enough, not woman enough . . . and the lies go on.

This is the lie that weighed me down for so long. It played on repeat throughout years: the song of failure and defeat, the song of confusion, the song of emptiness, the song of anxiety and depression, the song of doubt, and the song of regret.

Well, know this, woman of God: the lie that is the most repetitious, most consistent, and most dominant is where you are the most dangerous! So, thank God for that insight! He gave me a new song! And He is giving you a new song! You and I have a standard, and we must understand the value of what we carry. God reminded me that I am His creation. I am enough in Him. It is okay to embrace my womanhood without shame. No need to be anyone or anything else but you, a woman.

Lift your head up high. Let your tears flow. Embrace your journey into womanhood.

"And who knows but that you have come to your

royal position for such a time as this?"

—Esther 4:14 (NIV)

Love Hurts

A Sacrifice Made Only for the

Humble and the Strong-Willed

A Rose from the Grave

Do you ever wish you could turn back the hands of time? Just back a couple of days, months, or years even? If you only knew then what you know now. That’s what I’ve always heard mature people say. So far, I’ve found it to be true, too. I wondered often how my life ended up this way? I was the good girl. I had the looks, the smarts, the personality, so why am I stuck back in my parent’s house with two kids, no job, and a tear-soaked pillow full of regrets? I should never have stopped to look his way. If only my roommate and I had gone for groceries the day before, the day after, the day never! I would have never seen him, met him, or even wanted to get to know him. I would have never told my girl to show that chick he’s with how it’s really done on the court. That basketball game would have never been played, and I would have never fallen in love (or what I thought was love at the time). If only this, if only that.

I wonder if these thoughts run through your mind at night too, with tears of regret, shame, and anger just pouring down. Why didn’t we ever see this coming?

Our lives tell a story. Each life on this earth is a single chapter in the great Book of Life. All our deeds recorded, every single white lie, every single muttered word, and every single hidden secret. Is your book a love story? A thriller? I would like to think of my life as a mystery. I just do not know what is going to happen next. I thought I had it all planned out, and then the next thing you know, something unexplained and unexpected popped up. Will it ever make sense? Seeing the big picture is so hard for me. I feel like I am digging and digging, and just when I think I see the light and can feel the sunshine warm my frigid hands, it pours down rain, and I am back where I started.

I can feel the vibrations of the feet overhead of those so-called friends stomping above me, and hear the laughter of the so-called husband asking me, Where is your God now? How come He cannot just pull you out of there and bring you back on top like the rest of us? Rage just burns up within me, but then I stop.

Where are you, God? Why am I drowning in all these troubles? Why am I the one down here suffering all alone? You said You would never leave me nor forsake me. I am supposed to be the Christian who serves an Almighty God. So why is my unsaved husband and all of his buddies and their friends out there getting their degrees, cars, and homes, and I am stuck down here with the kids and nothing to show for my time? Why don’t you talk to me?

Rage and anger wrap their warm arms around me, but I know I cannot sit in this pity party for long. I have to throw them off and get on my knees and pray. The only way is to start digging out of this hole all over again. I know the answers to my questions. I know why I am here. I know how I got here. I know it is not God’s doing; it is my own. So, the real question is can I live with it and move on? If God is patient with us in our rebellion, why can’t we be patient with Him in our healing?

When I was a little girl, I had set some goals for myself for things I wanted to do, wanted to be, and wanted to have. I wanted to travel the world, be a nurse, have my nose pierced and get a tattoo, and I wanted to get married and stay home to raise my kids. That was it! Very simple. When I was a young lady, I had set some goals for myself of things I never wanted to do, never wanted to be, and never wanted to have. I told myself that I would never join the military, never be divorced, and never get an abortion. Isn’t it crazy how those two got so mixed up? What happened? What went wrong? I will tell you.

I told God that He was not for me. I put Him on the shelf and told Him when my parents come to visit or when Sunday rolls around, do not worry, I will dust You off and You will be as good as if I had used You every day of my life. Who was I fooling telling everyone that I was a Christian and out partying and drinking every weekend? Just myself!