Marriage Essentials: A Self-Help Guide to Strengthening and Enriching Your Marriage

By Cheng Hsian Tay and Bernadette Tay

This book is a product of 50 years of living through their own marriage and of helping and teaching others.

Difficulty in the marriage relationship is a very lonely place, particularly so for those in leadership roles when others are looking to you for help and guidance and you are in your own private struggles. We believe that all marriage issues can be resolved and helped, with guidance. This is a self-help guide to take you through the key essential principles of the marriage relationship. They share with you a wealth of tips, pointers and insights, a treasure trove of nuggets of wisdom.

Yes! You can make your marriage better!

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jul 19, 2022
• ISBN: 9781664263369

Cheng Hsian Tay

Cheng Hsian and Bernie were married in their early twenties in Melbourne. They returned to Malaysia after his graduation as an Architect and soon became a principal partner of a thriving and busy architectural practice. An active Christian since young, he immersed himself into Christian Ministry and was a church elder for many years. Amidst their busy years in ministry and work in the professional world, with Bernie devoting herself to being a full-time mother and homemaker, they juggled with home, church and work while struggling through their marriage. Then they attended a Marriage Encounter Weekend which turned their marriage around. Determined to help others, they developed and conducted their own successful Marriage Enrichment Weekends over some twenty years. They are still deeply involved in Christian ministry.

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Copyright © 2022 Cheng Hsian Tay.

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Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV® Copyright © 1973 1978 1984 2011 by Biblica, Inc. TM. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version® Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-6337-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-6338-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-6336-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022906836

WestBow Press rev. date: 07/18/2022

CONTENTS

Preamble

Introduction: About Relationships

Chapter 1 Personal Integrity - the Heart of Relationships

Chapter 2 Love and Respect

Chapter 3 Commitment

Chapter 4 Communication

Chapter 5 Intimacy

Chapter 6 Values

Chapter 7 Conflict Resolution and Forgiveness

Chapter 8 A Strong Foundation

Appendix

Bibliography

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

AND APPRECIATION

This book is dedicated to:

The many couples

who have participated with us, both as helpers and presenters,

or as attendees in our Marriage Enrichment weekends over

the many years in Malaysia and Australia; and also to Nicky

Cheah and Tony Lim for their teaching inputs. In one way

or another each one of you have contributed to this book.

The ME Weekends meant a lot to most of you. Let this

ME, in a different form, continue to be both a souvenir

and a tool for the ongoing enrichment of your marriage.

My dear wife Bernie

who has taught me much and has faithfully stood by

me through thick and thin through our 50 years of

marriage; who has given me three beautiful children;

each now with their own beautiful family; and our eight

lovely grandchildren. I love you all so very much.

And most of all

To the LORD GOD our Loving Heavenly Father

Who has unconditionally loved us so that we

can love one another and showed us the true

nature of Love. To God be the Glory.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

MUCH OF THE MATERIAL IN this book is practical teaching and common sense and starts with basic principles. It is a self-help manual. We hold within ourselves the solutions to many of our marital problems. Use the information in this book as a series of check lists, a review of your inner self, your marital relationship, and the particular issues that surround your marriage. Use it to better understand yourself and your spouse. And seek to understand the interactions of the marriage relationship.

It is through understanding that we learn and change and improve. At whatever phase or condition of your marriage there is always something to learn.

Be patient if you find some repetitions here and there in the content of this book. The nature of the principles is such that they often overlap. Be tolerant also if some teachings appear basic and even simplistic. Some people do need to start at the beginning. If some parts seem tedious and trivial or just too hard, just move on. You can always revisit the topic another time. Different people have different issues and certain people need the trivial details to help them see their issues. A reflective, introspective approach to this book will be helpful to help us see what we may really need to see. Often it is the trivial things that causes the most problems in life.

Skim through what you already understand well and seek to learn what may still be needed by and relevant to you. But be aware that what may seem familiar may also be something that you still need to put into practice in your life and your marriage.

As you read, be thankful and be appreciative of the strengths that you already see in yourself, in your spouse, and in your relationship, and seek to build upon and strengthen them. Be humble and acknowledge the areas of weaknesses and the areas that need work. Resolve, with God’s help, to work on them. We carry within ourselves the solutions to most of our problems.

Be reflective as you read and let the Holy Spirit use this book to speak into your life.

At the end of the book, you will find reflection exercises that relate to each chapter of the book. Use them to think through your marriage relationship.

Ideally, husbands and wives should read this book together, one chapter at a time. And, together, they should work on the reflection exercises. These reflections are useful in helping you apply the lessons and principles in your life and marriage. Find a weekend to do this—perhaps a weekend by yourselves, without distraction—and seek to enrich and improve your marriage. Read each other’s responses in the reflection exercises and talk truthfully with each other: communicate, understand, and learn.

We can help ourselves through our marriages. This book is designed to help you help yourself. It has been written from a conservative, traditional Christian viewpoint.

God created marriage to be a blessing. He came to give us life so that we could live more abundantly. There is no greater blessing than a happy and fulfilling marriage that translates into a wholesome family that glorifies God, the author of marriage and family.

PREAMBLE

THERE ARE MANY GOOD BOOKS on marriage and many experts on the subject. But we think the real expert is someone who has lived through a bad marriage for at least thirty years and has survived with the marriage relatively intact. 35605.png

Difficulty in the marriage relationship puts people in a very lonely place. We often think we are the only one facing these issues and problems. The truth is that they are so common they are almost universal. Those who have survived difficulties need to teach those who are still in the thick of it.

Working through difficult times can be particularly difficult for those in leadership roles. Others are looking to you for help and guidance, but whom do you turn to in your own private struggles? So, you struggle through, put on a mask, and pretend to the world that you are winning every battle on every front. But behind closed doors, you struggle through, and you cry out to God.

No matter how bad or hopeless your marriage may seem to be there is hope. You can overcome. With some effort and by God’s grace you can put your derailed relationship back on track. Indeed, God is always gracious to those who turn to Him, and He will help you cope. Even if just one spouse turns to God for help and is sincere in seeking His guidance, we believe that marriage will have a good chance of pulling through. A harmonious home environment is always vital for any ministry to be effective and for the children to grow up wholesome and healthy.

The principles and pointers that we share are from our own experiences. They are essential lessons learned the hard way over some fifty years of marriage at the school of hard knocks. And these are also lessons and principles we picked up over the years of marriage ministry in our attempt to help others as well as ourselves. This book does not cover every area and every aspect of marriage, and in any case, each marriage situation is different, but the essentials of the marriage relationship are here. Marriage Essentials is a book as much about life as it is about marriage.

Jesus reminded us that, in this world, we will have troubles (John 16:33). But we believe that problems in the marital relationship are often unnecessary, and they are problems that we can solve ourselves. We only need to know how and to put in the effort.

Understand these essentials. Put in the effort and apply them to your lives. And the Lord may yet turn the insipid water of your marriage into choice wine…or turn your already good vintage into a taste of heaven.

Cheng Hsian and Bernie Tay

[e-mail]

INTRODUCTION

About Relationships

Our relationships

shape and form

our lives.

OUR LIVES REVOLVE AROUND OUR relationships. Unless you are a hermit living all alone in a cave, or alone on a deserted island, your life has to do with relating to others whether it be to your parents, spouse, children, siblings, extended family, work colleagues, classmates, friends, neighbors, and casual acquaintances. Somehow, and in some way, we all relate to someone, somewhere. Relationships range from the very close and intimate, such as with a husband or wife, to casual, such as with your favorite bank teller. We engage in some relationships on a constant daily level, and in some only occasionally. Every person-to-person interaction can be defined as a relationship.

Relationship is how we interact with other human beings. Nowadays, we can be relating to people even when we are alone, through the phone and the Internet.

Our relationships shape and form our lives. The quality of the life we experience is determined, to a large extent, by the nature of our relationships. Our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows are derived from our relationships.

The closer the relationship, the greater the potential for joy or for pain.

Everyone lives in pursuit of happiness in life. There are three primary sources of happiness—relationships, wealth (things), and activities. We can derive some joy and pleasure from things and from activities, but those joys and pleasures are usually temporary and largely superficial. But for young men and women who find the love of their lives, the joy that comes can lift them up to cloud nine.

Parents of a newborn child can experience a joy that compares with nothing else in this world. However, when a close relationship goes bad, the pain that results can also be heart-wrenching. When that same lovely baby grows up, gets into trouble, and rebels against the parents, that child, who was once the source of such joy, can then become the source of the deepest pain and sorrow. Similarly, for the young couples who experienced such joy when they fell in love, the same person that gave so much joy and happiness can become the source of the greatest hurting pain.

The closer the relationship, the greater the potential for joy or for pain.

Our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows are derived from our relationships.

So, if life is about relationships, and our relationships are the source of joy (or sorrow), then it follows that the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships. How good or satisfying our lives are becomes a function of how good or satisfying our relationships are with others. And do we not all long for true happiness and joy in our lives?

Relationships are our source of joy, purpose, and meaning in life. Therefore, our ability to relate well is often a measure of our success in life. Are you unhappy and unsatisfied with your life? Evaluate your relationships.

There are relationships that you are born into, and there are those that you enter into by choice. I am sure we can differentiate which is which. You cannot do much about the relationships you were born into—you had no say in who your siblings or parents are. But you can have a say in the relationships that you enter into by choice; for example, the person you choose to marry or the kind of people that you choose to mix with. But whether by birth or by choice, all relationships impact our lives much more so than fame or fortune or activities.

It is thus of the utmost importance that we realize the significance of our relationships and take care to nurture and maintain all the key important relationships in our lives.

Relationship with God

Some relationships are more important than others. Which is the most important relationship in your life right now? Whether we realize it or not, it is our relationship with God that is ultimately the most important. He is our Maker and Lord who alone gives us the meaning and purpose of our existence. Our relationship with God is more than just spiritual, and it is really in a special category, but for us to experience true happiness and joy, we must have a right relationship with God. This is the one relationship that must be preeminent over all others. It is the one relationship that gives us our purpose and meaning in life. Most Christians do realize this already.

Do you know God? How well do you know Him? He who created all creation and who made you certainly knows you, and He knows you well! Scripture says He knows even the number of hairs on your head. But relationships involve two-way traffic, and you must acknowledge Him for who He is in your life. Seek Him and draw near to Him and be amazed at what He has in store to bless you.

Marriage was originally God’s idea. For when God started to create a people for Himself, he started by making a man and a woman and bringing them together. Marriages are the core of all families. Families are the core of society, and the church is made up of families. When marriages are strong, families are strong; and when families are strong, the Church and God’s Kingdom are strong.

It is thus of the first importance that we take care to nurture and maintain our relationship with God, to