Heavenly Brilliance

By Julie Abigail

This book centers around the disorder and effects of Bulimia Nervosa, and its story is universal to all those who are struggling with any sort of physical and emotional addiction. I learned that Eating Disorders are not about food and weight, but rather it's an internal struggle between love and rejection.
Important to note is that this is not a religious book. It's a personal spiritual journey that has nothing to do with any religious denomination or organization. To understand this better, it is useful to know that while religion is a part of spirituality, spirituality is not necessarily religious. The hope is that my experience may give hope to people, the reader, or someone that may be struggling or suffering.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781667855615

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

I thought I was defective and didn’t belong on earth. I didn’t know that for the next twenty years I would keep a secret while fighting for my life. The disorder controlled every aspect of my existence. I never thought I could ever come close to touch, let alone feel the beauty of love. Just when I was about to give up, a profound revelation changed everything.

Although this book centers around the disorder and effects of Bulimia Nervosa, its story is universal to all those who are struggling with any sort of physical and emotional addiction. I learned that eating disorders are not about food and weight, but rather it’s an internal struggle between love and rejection.

Important to note is that this is not a religious book. It’s my personal spiritual journey that has nothing to do with any religious denomination or organization. To understand this better, it is useful to know that while religion is a part of spirituality, spirituality is not necessarily religious. My wish is that my experience may give hope to you, the reader, or someone you know that may be struggling or suffering.

1. THE LAST HOUR

The intensity of the clock increased in volume as it grew closer to midnight. It was only five minutes ago that I got rid of the evidence. I panicked! I looked at the clock and there was only four minutes to go before the stroke of midnight. I was running out of time. I had to finish before midnight. Anytime after that would be too late.

Before I knew it I was back at the garbage can in a frenzy trying to retrieve some of the food items before the last hour ended. The pain in my abdomen became worse and almost more than I could bear. Frantic with determination, like a grizzly in the wild, I aggressively continued to rummage through the discarded items. I quickly looked back up at the clock. It was now two minutes before midnight. I was losing hope. Desperately, I plunged my hands deep into the debris emerging with a white paper bag. Inside, I discovered three partially eaten pastry breads. As if I had discovered treasure. Like precious gems, I removed them one by one. Not having eaten for days, I began to inhale them nearly choking on my last swallow. Still frantic, I glanced at the clock one last time. It was just seconds after midnight. It was too late. I failed! I was doomed. I was devastated and overwhelmed from exhaustion. Yes, it was true. I was starving...starving for LOVE.

2. THE RITUAL

Earlier that Sunday I went to a supermarket, a Chinese restaurant and a French bakery. I always went to different food locations to avoid suspicion and getting found out. I purchased a variety of food items which I concealed on the floor in the front and back seat areas of my car. To avoid the public I would always drive my car around to a back parking lot. Once I knew no one was looking, I secretly began to consume at least half of each food item I purchased. What I didn’t eat in the parking lot I took home and spread out on my kitchen counter where I continued to gorge. Just when I thought I was satisfied I would repackage the remainder of the food and stuff it into a garbage can on the back porch of my small apartment. Despite the severe cramps in my abdomen from the food gorging, I would return to the garbage can within moments to continue my food binge. With only crumbs left, I would conceal the evidence at the bottom of the garbage can and firmly set the lid in place so no one would or could suspect.

Next, I would meticulously clean my kitchen counter and sink to prevent any evidence of a food orgy on the morning after. I would then look at the clock to be sure it was still before midnight. Running quickly to my bathroom sink, I would begin a repetitive ritual of brushing my teeth, and disinfecting my mouth to remove any food remnants. Once completing the mouth ritual my last step was to go to my bedroom and lay down on my back. I would