Parental As Anything

By Maggie Dent

A common-sense guide to raising happy, healthy kids - from toddlers to tweens

How much screen time should you let your children have? How and when do you talk about sex? What can you do when your kid throws a tantrum? Why should you let your children just play?

Maggie Dent, queen of common-sense parenting, has answers to your real-world parenting dilemmas.

Focusing on the most engaged-with topics from her popular ABC Parental As Anything podcast, Maggie tells us what the experts have to say, relates the experiences of other parents, and offers her own reassuring guidance to provide practical solutions to the challenges parents and caregivers face today.

This book will give you the means to be the parent you'd like to be, and help you in your quest to raise happy, healthy, thriving, resilient children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers Australia
• Release date: Jul 1, 2021
• ISBN: 9781460713778

Maggie Dent

Maggie Dent has become one of Australia's favourite parenting authors and educators, with a particular interest in the early years, adolescence and resilience. She is a popular speaker and educator, and the author of seven books, including the bestselling Mothering Our Boys (2018) and From Boys to Men (2020). She is also the host of ABC's Parental As Anything podcast and a regular contributor to Fairfax's Essential Kids website. Maggie is the mother of four grown-up sons, and an enthusiastic and grateful grandmother. She lives in the South Coast region of NSW with her good bloke Steve Mountain and their dear little dog, Mr Hugo Walter Dent.

Book preview

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to my good bloke and husband, Steve Mountain.

Thank you for being my number-one supporter for over 26 years,

fabulous gnocchi master, thoughtful husband and

best Poppy to our gorgeous grandies.

I couldn’t have done all this without you.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF COUNTRY

I wish to acknowledge and humbly pay my respects to Australia’s first peoples and to the longest continuing culture in the world, the traditional custodians of this amazing land.

I especially pay my humble respects to the Noongar peoples of South West Australia, the custodians of my homeland, the country of my childhood, which I carry deep within my heart every day of my life. I also acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which the podcast was produced: the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation in Sydney and the Turrbal people in Brisbane.

The ancient knowledge and wisdom that our Indigenous elders have known and shared for thousands of years still has value for our modern world. May we all find ways to walk gently and compassionately on these ancient lands, and come to a place where every child ever born is loved, respected and valued and has a strong sense of belonging.

CONTENTS

Dedication

Acknowledgement of Country

Introduction

1. Roosters and lambs: the influence of temperament

2. Managing the hot moments: meltdowns and tantrums – including your own

3. Help! How do I discipline my child?

4. Play and nature play: why they matter so much

5. Transitioning to big school

6. Raising our kids in this new, digital world

7. Anxiety in childhood and early adolescence

8. Talking to our kids about the birds and the bees in the 21st century

9. Help for feeding fussy eaters

10. Exploring death and loss in our families

11. How do I raise a resilient child?

12. Sole parenting: what helps and what doesn’t

13. Co-parenting in the 21st century

Conclusion: You’ve got this!

Acknowledgements

List of sources

Support services

About the Author

Copyright

INTRODUCTION

Parenting in the 21st century is very different now from even the recent 20th century, let alone before then. There has been a massive increase in research around child development – physical, cognitive, psychological and emotional. There have been incredible advances in neuroscience, neurobiology and medical science, including epidemiology, neurology, disease management and improvements in diagnostics. On top of that, through the digital world, we can access in a nanosecond phenomenal amounts of information about absolutely anything to do with raising children. But too much information too easily accessible can be unhelpful and confusing.

Interestingly, the things that children have always needed to grow healthy and to thrive have not really changed – however, the world around kids has changed. For many parents there is a quagmire of confusing and often conflicting information that can diminish their innate capacity to tune in to and meet the unique needs of their child in any given moment.

I frequently remind people that there has never been a parenting guide written about their particular child. Parents, co-parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, step-parents and anyone who lives with children – when capable of warm, consistent, loving care – are best placed to make decisions for their child. Having access to trustworthy, sound information, which is not only evidence-based but practical and consistent, can make raising children easier.

We must never forget that child development cannot be hurried, no matter how inconvenient that may be for us adults in all our busy-ness. Each child has a built-in timetable that dictates exactly when they will crawl, sit up, walk, etc., and no two kids are the same. Given a safe environment, their development will flow naturally. They are one-off miracles and this is why parenting can never be a perfect art. At times the sleep deprivation, fatigue and frustration of parenting will bring you to your knees. Children are biologically required to learn by doing and inevitably this process will be noisy, untidy, messy and unpredictable. So having realistic expectations for our children from toddlerhood to early adolescence is essential to navigating this ancient journey. (I say ‘early adolescence’ as parenting adolescents is really a whole book in itself, so this book covers toddlers through tweens, roughly up to age 12.)

These days, this isn’t helped by endless beautiful images on social media, which can trigger guilt, especially in mammas. I almost choked on my coffee one day when I saw a picture on Instagram of a woman wearing stunning matching leisurewear to pick up her children from school. When I was a stay-at-home mum with a baby and toddler and two lads in school, I barely had time to shower, put on a bra or clean my teeth, let alone coordinate my outfit before leaving the house. Thank heavens Instagram didn’t exist back then or I may have found myself feeling pretty crappy by comparison – and potentially putting some unnecessary, unrealistic expectations on myself.

No matter how much we plan, dream and hope, things can go wrong. Today’s world has become faster, busier and full of massive change and enormous choice and that’s a bit difficult for both children and their parents to navigate. Our smart phones, while having many positive attributes that can help in organising our kids and ourselves, have become silent thieves stealing valuable moments from our children and us.

It takes a whole childhood for children to learn, to grow and to work out how to be whoever they are. When we try to hurry up childhood, our children’s chances of thriving diminish – they will survive, just maybe not as well as possible. I have become deeply concerned about the push-down of formalised learning into our precious children’s lives, as five-year-olds are now expected to perform tasks that previously weren’t expected of them until the age of six. We must stop stealing childhood in the name of education. Childhood matters as it has always mattered, and the less rushed, hurried and scheduled it can be until the beginning of adolescence, the better the outcomes for your child.

I meet so many worried parents who are actually doing a great job being parents. There will be times that holding healthy boundaries and teaching your children to respect themselves, others and our world will be difficult and yet it is the most important thing you can do – over and over again. The great news is that ‘good-enough’ parents can raise healthy, happy, resilient kids with a generous dose of common sense.

When the opportunity came along to host the ABC’s Parental As Anything podcast, I was beyond happy and grateful. Parents, who are often time poor, can gain helpful, valuable information from the podcast in a way that suits a busy lifestyle. In my role as host, I explore parenting dilemmas and challenges through the lens of practical common sense. What is really important in raising children is discovering what works best for your child and you (and whomever you are co-parenting with) in your home. There is no ‘one right way’ to parent, and often what works this week with your child may not work next week and that is okay and quite normal.

There are some distinct gender differences, temperament, genetic influences and neurodivergences that can add to the confusion of meeting your child’s unique, age-specific needs. One of my mantras is every single child yearns to be loved, valued and accepted exactly as they are.

The focus of this book is to explore some of the topics covered in the most popular episodes of Parental As Anything, with the intention of giving you the knowledge and confidence to embrace raising your children without stressing too much. Each chapter offers practical suggestions for you to consider. Remember, these are suggestions – there are no ‘shoulds’, ‘have tos’ or ‘ought tos’ in this book. The aim is to give you sound information that can help you be the parent you want to be with the child or children you have in your home or in your care.

If you experience instances of significant imperfection, failure, disappointment and frustration, use these as ‘teachable moments’ for life. Resilience is not about toughening up yourself or your children, it is about helping them learn to be adaptable when adversity turns up uninvited. The research is strong that modelling on parents (and other significant grown-ups in their life) is the most significant way our children learn how to be.

Indeed, Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson argue in one of my favourite parenting books, The Whole Brain Child, that the tough moments are our greatest opportunity to teach:

When your child is disrespectful and talks back to you, when you are asked to come in for a meeting with the principal, when you find crayon scribbles all over your wall: these are survive moments, no question about it. But at the same time, they are opportunities – even gifts – because a ‘survive moment’ is also a ‘thrive moment’, when the important meaningful well-work of parenting takes place.

When my four sons were growing up, I made many mistakes that I often own publicly in my seminars and, yes, I struggled with guilt at times when I felt I could have done more or been more. However, they have all grown to be independent, capable and resilient men (and great fathers to boot). They do enjoy reminding me of my many moments of flawed mothering, though!

We used to think parenting our children meant controlling and policing them, but now we know they benefit more from being taught and guided. Reassuringly, kids learn fast with a degree of ‘benign neglect’. This is when we allow our kids to learn from experience – sometimes painful experience, as anyone who’s been smacked in the chin by a seesaw a few times can attest. After offering tender comfort, such experiences are a great chance for parents to ask: ‘What did you learn from that?’

Intensive parenting or over-parenting, where we do not allow our children to experience discomfort, can be problematic when our kids become adolescents or adults. To be honest, the most effective approach to parenting is one that gradually makes yourself redundant! At some point your children can then manage their own lives without your help. Technically we are raising them to leave home as capable, competent individuals with a strong sense of their own selves.

We all want the best for our children and, in my experience, it is what we do 80 per cent of the time that defines our parenting. I call it the 80/20 rule. When things go wrong – your kids haven’t eaten any vegetables; they didn’t have a bath; they ate some trans-fatty acids in biscuits you bought because they were starving; you had a bit of a shouty moment – give yourself a break. Tell yourself it’s a 20 per cent moment or a 20 per cent day and then move on. We had plenty of 20 per cent days in my household, when dinner was porridge or toasted sandwiches because it was late by the time I collected everyone from after-school activities and I was too exhausted from working full-time to cook a proper meal! You will not permanently scar your children or set their developmental markers back if this happens sometimes. Cutting yourself some slack will allow you to recover more quickly on crappy days so you can get back to being the 80 per cent parent again.

So if you want to be a loving, good-enough parent who is realistic about raising kids from toddlers to tweens and you value common sense, then this is the book for you.

CHAPTER 1

Roosters and lambs:

the influence of temperament

Almost a year before I had my first child, one of my best friends had a beautiful baby boy. I spent lots of time cuddling this gentle, sweet little boy who loved sleeping and was seldom demanding or distressed. His serene nature made me so look forward to having my own child. When my first-born finally arrived, he wasn’t quite what I was expecting. He was loud, disliked sleeping and was very active – and I was sure this was because I was a lousy first-time mum! No one had mentioned that a child’s innate temperament could be a thing.

I like to define temperament as a continuum. On one end you have ‘roosters’ and on the other you have ‘lambs’. Among siblings, it’s common to have a mixture of roosters and lambs, and that is a good thing because in the classroom of life we learn most about relationships from those we live with. Often a rooster child will help build confidence and strength in a lamb child, and a lamb child can soften a rooster so they can become a little more considerate. Essentially, we would like our kids, as they grow older, to be somewhere in the middle of the continuum. This means they are able to be strong and assertive when they need to be, but they are also capable of being thoughtful and empathetic.

Temperament is a significant factor in parenting, for both parents and kids, and it really does play out in our homes (often in the classroom too, as any teacher will tell you). Of course, this continuum is just a guide, but it can be helpful to examine your child’s temperament so you can help them build more capacity, and help yourself make better parenting choices based on their needs. Every child is of course still unique and our job is to meet that person as honestly, respectfully and lovingly as we can.

One other thing to keep in mind is that temperament may be in your child’s biology but it does not guarantee the destination of your child as a human being on earth. Temperament does not have to be destiny.

Roosters

Rooster children are full of spunk and spirit almost from the get-go. You will find yourself in power struggles with them as they assert their own sense of importance. As they approach their teen years, their push for autonomy will reach new heights. Roosters usually dislike sharing, want to win at all costs and want to be the centre of attention. Seriously, if you have a rooster child as a toddler you will collapse most nights on the couch feeling defeated.

When we did the podcast episode on the issue of temperament (‘Roosters or lambs – understanding your children’s personality’), several parents shared their stories. This was how one mum described her rooster boy:

Our rooster boy, who sometimes we feel is more of a Tasmanian devil, is loud, demanding, charismatic, funny and demands the spotlight from all of us. A lot of the time, despite being this way at home in a social setting, he’s much more anxious than his older brother. He sometimes has angry outbursts at home when things don’t go his way, which relate to biting, scratching, hitting and screeching.

Common characteristics of rooster children:

They yearn for independence and like to do things themselves.

They are often loud.

They are often stubborn.

They can be driven and energetic.

They need less sleep – often wake up very early and are last to get to sleep.

They argue (even before they can speak!) over almost anything – food, clothes, toys.

They want their own way and make their own choices.

They can be manipulative and selfish.

They think they are more important than anyone else.

They want to go first.

They dislike sharing.

They are impatient and impulsive.

They learn fast and like to learn by making their own mistakes.

They get frustrated and angry often, and are happy to display that in public.

They ask a lot of questions and will query your decisions.

They can be entertainers – or ‘party animals’.

They sometimes disappear at large public events because they like to explore.

They will embarrass you in front of grandma, in-laws, teachers and doctors.

They are very sensitive about what other people think.

They enjoy change, challenge and adventure.

They often make you feel you are the worst parent ever!

Roosters have a strong sense of their own importance, a domineering character, and seek to have power at any cost – and this affects girls and boys the same way. As girls tend to have superior verbal skills to boys, right from a young age a rooster girl can tend to manipulate situations (and parents) masterfully – especially by exploiting guilt. If you let your four-year-old daughter get away with things because she simply wears you down, you will have a continuous battle on your hands as she gets older. I like to say that roosters have a PhD in pester power, especially at the shops. Firm, loving boundaries are necessary right from the start.

Our rooster children can really struggle to feel empathy for others. This is something parents can work on, and the sooner the better. Keep mentioning being caring, thoughtful and gentle, and possibly start by modelling with their toys and reading picture books in which characters model empathy – hopefully before their next sibling arrives!

Depending on your child’s maturity around the age of four, it can be a good idea to get a guinea pig, or another soft cuddly pet that has a shorter lifespan than a cat or a dog. Through the repeated stroking, cuddling and learning how to hold gently, the brain builds empathy pathways. The softening of the heart that can occur is shown by how your child responds when the guinea pig dies. One of my rooster boys has become a really tender-hearted father and I partly owe that tenderness to our guinea pigs. Interestingly, he didn’t cry when the first guinea pig died and he didn’t cry when the second guinea pig died. He was a little quiet when the third guinea pig died, but it was the fourth guinea pig that finally cleaved his heart and he sobbed when it died. It’s important to note that lecturing our roosters, or disciplining them harshly, does not build empathy and a capacity to care for anything other than themselves. Harsh discipline doesn’t build relationships, it creates disconnection.

Another factor that can be tricky as a parent of a rooster is if you were a rooster child yourself. You can either struggle against their feisty hunger for independence and importance, or you can bring what you know about being a rooster child yourself to parenting them in a way that brings out the best in them. For lamb parents, having a rooster can be incredibly challenging.

One of the benefits of having rooster children is they often love adventure, challenge and change. These things can be very exciting for them. However, if they have a lamb sibling who struggles with new opportunities, they can get quite frustrated with them. Something else roosters tend to do is constantly questioning your parenting and asking ‘Why?’. While it can be very annoying, it’s good to remember that your child is asking questions because they want you to clarify a choice you’re making on their behalf. Now if you’re still going to the school of ‘children should be seen and not heard’, I have no doubt you’ll be triggered by this. However, if we want our children to grow up into self-assured, assertive adults who value themselves enough to speak up, then we need to really listen to them. Even though we can allow them to be heard, this doesn’t mean that they should get what they want every time. It simply means we consider their viewpoint and respect their needs. Sometimes their ideas are actually worthwhile and better than ours!

Having very strong, predictable boundaries is incredibly important in parenting roosters. They need to know where the boundary is because they will push up against it and challenge it, and they will need you to be strong enough to hold your ground. Rooster children do need to experience ‘tough love’ sometimes. Rather than punishing, shouting or bribing, it is often best to withhold something they really love for a short space of time after they have had three very clear warnings. After the hot moment has cooled, it can be helpful to explain your reasonings about the boundary and the consequence, and to be prepared to hear their response. When we listen to roosters respectfully, and sometimes possibly negotiate a slightly different boundary, they can feel really heard.

Tips for parenting roosters:

Focus on building positive attachment and connection.

Avoid shouting, shaming or criticising roosters, as they will learn how to do this to others.

Play cards and board games to teach them to take turns, to wait and to learn to lose graciously.

As they often get into trouble, reassure them often that you love them.

Hold firm boundaries around the big stuff, such as safety near roads, aggression towards siblings and others, inappropriate online behaviour and doing chores. Otherwise, ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’.

Be sure to really listen to your rooster when they want to tell you how they think things could be.

Avoid conflict with your rooster when angry, tired or exhausted – that goes for both of you.

Give them small opportunities to develop autonomy or independence that make them feel important, or enlist them as a ‘special helper’. They might be the only child in the family