Real Kids in an Unreal World: How to Build Resilience and Self-esteem in Today's Children

By Maggie Dent

Real children need real experiences with real people to grow up happy, healthy, strong, kind and resilient.

In the second edition of this bestselling book from one of Australia’s favourite parenting authors and educators Maggie Dent, Maggie explores the 10 essential building blocks that help children build resilience and self-esteem in our chaotic, uncertain world.

We can’t change the world, however we can help our children to develop emotional buoyancy and competence by experiencing life's joys and successes, as well as its challenges and setbacks. When this is done within the safety of supportive relationships—especially in families and communities—one building block at a time from birth to 12, children can grow into being the capable, independent adults we all yearn to meet one day.

About Maggie:
Commonly known as the ‘queen of common sense’, Maggie Dent has become one of Australia's favourite parenting authors and educators, with a particular interest in the early years, adolescence and resilience.

Maggie’s experience includes teaching, counselling, and working in palliative care/funeral services and suicide prevention. She is a dedicated advocate to quietly changing lives in our families and communities. She is the mother of four sons and a very grateful grandmother.

Maggie is the author of 11 books including her 2018 release Mothering Our Boys which is already a bestseller.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Pennington Publications
• Release date: Dec 18, 2018
• ISBN: 9780994563255

Maggie Dent

Maggie Dent has become one of Australia's favourite parenting authors and educators, with a particular interest in the early years, adolescence and resilience. She is a popular speaker and educator, and the author of seven books, including the bestselling Mothering Our Boys (2018) and From Boys to Men (2020). She is also the host of ABC's Parental As Anything podcast and a regular contributor to Fairfax's Essential Kids website. Maggie is the mother of four grown-up sons, and an enthusiastic and grateful grandmother. She lives in the South Coast region of NSW with her good bloke Steve Mountain and their dear little dog, Mr Hugo Walter Dent.

Book preview

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Pennington Publications

PO Box 302 Gerringong, NSW 2534

Website: www.maggiedent.com

First Published September 2008

Title: Real Kids in an Unreal World: Building Resilience and Self-Esteem in Today’s Children

Edition: Second

Date of Publication: December 2016 (print) May 2017 (digital)

All rights reserved. If a small part of this book is reproduced for the purposes of education and training, school newsletters, or to help someone, written permission is not required provided you acknowledge the text and act with integrity and respect.

Every reasonable effort has been made to contact the holders of copyright material that has been quoted in this book. The author and publisher are glad to receive information that will enable them to rectify any inadvertent errors or omissions for subsequent editions.

© Copyright 2016 Maggie Dent

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry (pbk):

Creator: Dent, Maggie, author.

Title: Real kids in an unreal world: building resilience and

self-esteem in today’s children / Maggie Dent.

Edition: Second edition

ISBN: 978-0-9945632-5-5 (digital)

Subjects: Child development.

Child psychology.

Resilience (Personality trait) in children.

Self-esteem in children.

Dewey Number: 649.1

Layout and Design: Katharine Middleton

"To the world you may be just one person,

but to one person you may be the world."

— Josephine Billings

Dedication

This book is dedicated to three very special women who became a really important part of my sons’ lives. These caregivers loved and cared for my precious sons in our home from time to time while they were children. Each beautiful soul became a part of our family and a special part of the happy memories we all have of those magical, chaotic years.

Thank you so much

Kate Leigh (dec)—Our Kate

Jenny O’Halloran née Trigwell

Chrissy Paisley

Respectful acknowledgment

I pay my deepest respect to the traditional custodians of the land where I was born and raised—The Noongar peoples of Western Australia. And I also pay my respects to Aboriginal peoples and Torres Strait Islanders, past and present, who have also walked and cared for this land for over 40,000 years. May we all find ways to walk gently and compassionately on these ancient lands and come to a place where all children born have a sense of belonging deeply.

Special thanks

My first thank you goes to the Western Australian Department for Communities for giving me the privilege of running the Enriching Resilience in Children initiative way back in 2007 and especially Tiffany Garvie who helped me create the resources for the families of WA.

I offer my deepest thank you to the following special people in my humble life:

To my former wonderful PA Liz Guidera who helped me so much—thank you Liz for managing my diary and for supporting my passion to help families in the healthy raising of children.

To my graphic angel and special friend and former student from Albany Katharine Middleton who has been my typesetter and graphic designer for years—thank you again for another book birthed and now updated (does that mean re-birthed?) safely.

To my original editors and proofreaders, Janney Wale and Tiffany Garvie, who tamed my text and corrected my syntax with such skill. A special thanks to my current editor, research assistant and publicist Carmen Myler for helping me with this updated version. My other amazing team member I want to thank is my current PA Laura Browning—thank you for helping your aunty get to places in every corner of this big brown land.

To my still supportive and patient husband Steve who has been there every step on this journey. Thank you for the cups of tea, the shoulder rubs and healthy snacks. I couldn’t do what I do without you babe. Huge thanks.

To my amazing four sons—Michael, Ben, Alex and James—who have been both wonderful teachers and students in my life journey and who continually make me feel blessed.

To my new four-legged secretary and support Hugo Walter who, like our Jess—now watching in spirit—has kept me company whenever I was in my office writing.

So much has happened since I wrote this book in 2007—I have written two more major books and several smaller books and e-books. I then moved from Dunsborough in WA to the Northern Rivers area of NSW to a special village called Uki. I have now relocated to be closer to my sons in Sydney and am loving being Nanny Mag to my very welcome, awesome grandchildren.

While this book still sits safely and wisely upon ancient knowledge and research, we needed to add the latest changes and challenges of parenting in today’s busier-than-ever world.

— Maggie

Contents

Once upon a time

Introduction

Background

10 Resilience Building Blocks

Building Block 1- Positive, healthy pregnancy

Building Block 2- Good nutrition

Building Block 3- Safe, nurturing care within the family circle

Building Block 4- Plenty of play

Building Block 5- Build life skills

Building Block 6- Meaningful involvement

Building Block 7- Clear boundaries

Building Block 8- Absence of stress

Building Block 9- Self-mastery

Building Block 10- Strengthen the spirit

What is self-esteem?

Conclusion

References

WorldImage

Once upon a time

Homo erectus, an early form of human, existed somewhere between 2 million and 100,000 years ago. This human walked upright and used fire and rudimentary tools. From these early beginnings humans have evolved and made changes in response to their environments. For homo erectus to survive, the species had to learn how to live in communities and successfully raise children.

Homo sapiens, or modern humans, appeared 195,000 years ago. This human lived in tribal communities all around the globe. Communities needed the cooperation of everyone to survive from day to day. There were clear divisions of labour for men and women. Very specific social and cultural patterns of interaction were also played out in these very early communities. Everyone was committed to working toward the greater good of the tribe in order to maximise survival.

Indigenous tribes around the world continued living this way. Communities in parts of Europe continued developing, and after the Middle Ages they eventually adopted what has become the Western way of living. The Australian Aborigines lived in the same types of communities for up to 50,000 years before the arrival of white settlers. They took care of their country, their culture and their tribes, both holistically and respectfully.

The tribal approach to living was communal. Children were raised as part of the community, which meant that everyone shared in the healthy raising of children. The elderly were revered as the keepers of lore and wisdom, and were a valued part of their tribe. Teenagers were prepared for adulthood, and initiation and ceremony were markers for the beginning of a new stage of life. Communities worked together to feed and protect each other. Members came together to eat, dance, create and share resources.

This tribal approach defines the expression:

It takes a whole village

to raise a child.

Introduction

Our modern world is so full of innovations, rapid change, new knowledge and ways of doing things that we should all be in great shape. Unfortunately, we are not. Many parents and teachers are deeply concerned about our children and teenagers, and how they are struggling to manage or cope with the pressures of modern living. We have reached a new level of concern. Both research and statistics support the perception of declining health and wellbeing for our young. Of most concern is the increasing number of children and teenagers who are succumbing to depression, emotional instability, mental illnesses, obesity, and low educational and social competence. Today, many families and communities are struggling.

This book explores how parents can ensure that their children grow healthy, with skills that help them manage living in our modern world and encourage them to become adults who live worthwhile, meaningful lives. The ability to cope with and conquer all that life brings is built between birth and 12 years of age. This book offers ideas about how to build resilience and a positive sense of self in our children. Our modern lifestyle has destroyed the ‘whole village’ pattern of raising kids. Parents now have sole responsibility for raising their children rather than it being a collective responsibility. We are paying a big price for this individualistic approach to parenting.

Much of the damage done to young children is avoidable or preventable, however let’s not disappear down Alice’s rabbit hole. There never has been a perfect way of raising children, even in a tribal context. Childhood is a journey and there is no perfect world, parent or way to raise a child. Remember, there is no perfect child. Families today live in a world of massive change and uncertainty. The reality is that in many ways parenting is now harder than it has ever been before. However, real kids can thrive in our unreal world.

Many of the pressures and challenges on families today are invisible. What is helpful on one level can be destructive on another, such as TVs, mobile phones, access to computers (and the internet) and the rapid increase in usage of hand-held devices. The influence of technology in the parenting landscape is one of the biggest concerns of parents and those who work in the area of health and wellbeing of children. Having the ability to give your children the things you were unable to have as a child should be a good thing. Unfortunately, excessive consumerism without healthy boundaries has created a sense of ‘entitlement’ among many children and adolescents today, and much debt for parents. This factor also creates challenges to raising resilient children, sometimes more so than financial challenges or adversity.

The very experience of having to save for something, or wait for it, makes receiving what is desired so much sweeter. Being able to delay gratification is seen as a key quality for an emotionally mature person. The ‘Y generation’ has immediate access to plastic credit and the temptations it brings before they have the maturity to manage the full consequences of their actions.

80% of your chances of being successful in life have to do with your emotional intelligence rather than your cognitive intelligence.

— Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (1995).

We know more than ever how the human brain develops as a child grows. This has massive implications for parents and parenting.

Do any of the following challenging questions interest you?

How do you build coping skills in your children so that as adults, they successfully manage continuous change in their world?

What are some of the most important life skills to teach your child?

How do you best support a child to grow into who they are ‘meant to be’, not who you think they ‘should be’?

What attributes provide your child with mental and emotional wellbeing?

How do you build character and social competence in your child?

How can parents be mindful of ways to prevent their child attempting suicide—at any age?

What things can you do as a parent to build your child’s capacity to manage and cope, while still allowing the child to have a childhood that is safe and life-enhancing?

What things are really important to include in your child’s life that supports them to grow into a person who makes the world a

better place?

What will help your child be a friendly, cooperative, caring person?

What can you do to ensure that your child realises his or her full potential in life?

How do you ensure that your child develops positive values and a healthy sense of self?

How can you enjoy your parenting journey more?

How do you do all of the above at the same time as running flat out on the treadmill of work and raising children?

The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It’s the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.

— Napoleon Hill (1883-1970).

Background

What is resilience?

Today’s world is very different to the world that many parents were raised in. Some of us still remember living without TV, computers, hand-held devices and smart phones. Yet the advances and increasing knowledge of modern society are not producing more resilient children or young people.

My definition of resilience refers to the ability to successfully manage life, and adapt to change and stressful events in healthy and constructive ways. It is about the capacity to bounce back from positive and negative life experiences. To develop emotional and psychological buoyancy in childhood gives children a better prospect of being able to thrive as adults rather than just survive.

A universal capacity which allows a person, group or community to prevent, minimize or overcome the damaging effects of adversity.

— The International Resilience Project (2005).

Dr James Neill from the University of Canberra in Australia says:

In humanistic psychology resilience refers to ‘an individual’s ability to thrive and fulfil potential despite or perhaps because of stressors or risk factors’.

At an international resilience conference in Canada in 2015 the perspective of what resilience is had changed somewhat to it being a capacity to thrive that is determined by the systems and environments that surround an individual or community. Essentially our ability to overcome significant adversity can only become a reality when we can access people and resources that can help us. Given that we are social beings, human connectedness must be a major focus of building the protective factors we will need throughout childhood and life beyond home.

Dr Michael Rutter, one of the leading voices in terms of resilience in childhood, writes of the impact of multiple risk factors that some children meet in their life. In one of his studies he showed risk was identified as one of these variables: severe marital discord; low socioeconomic status; overcrowding or large family size; parental criminality; and mothers experiencing a psychiatric disorder. In this particular study, it showed the more risk factors present, the poorer the outcomes for children later in life (Rutter, 2013).

Many of our children and teenagers are facing emotional, social and mental problems and disorders. They may also face issues like family conflict, struggling with stress, obesity, poor body image, low self-esteem and self-worth, stress and disconnection.

The most tragic example of low resilience is suicide, when an individual ends his or her life because living has become too hard. That is why it is important to raise awareness in communities and homes about how we can build and enrich resilience in today’s children and teenagers.

Rutter and other resilience researchers write about protective factors as well as risk factors and suggest that individuals who possess the ability to do things like self-regulate, plan, reflect and be confident are more likely to cope with change (VicHealth, 2015).

So how do we begin to foster these capabilities in our children? Overwhelmingly, research reinforces how crucial the early years are in developing life-long resilience and I will be discussing that later in this chapter.

Children need to experience disappointment, challenge, failure and boundaries to fully develop the interpersonal and personal skills that allow people to live in society. They also need to have a voice and age-dependent moments of autonomy where they get to have a sense of control over their life. However, too much autonomy will lead to overindulgent, permissive and unpleasantly challenging (possibly narcissistic) behaviour that will create conflict and distress. As parents, we need to find a balance.

Over the past 30 years we seem to have become more focused on the possible deficits or problems that can occur rather than on the strengths that exist within every child. In many countries, such as the UK, US, Canada and Australia, schooling systems are much more test-driven and this seems to have pushed a ‘hurry up’ approach in the early years of life. Our young children are sometimes being seen as sources of data rather than as unique miracles—all different, developing at different rates with individual strengths and challenges. This apparent homogenisation of children before they get to school is stealing time from childhood that used to be time to develop social and emotional competence. We’re stealing their freedom to explore and be adventuresome through play and this has created stressors that are impacting young children deeply. In turn this shift has created less resilience in both children and teens.

This book outlines 10 key building blocks for children birth-12 years of age that can help build healthy self-esteem and strengthen their resilience. These building blocks show the different areas that a parent, school or community can focus on in order to build resilience for life. Any one building block will help, and the more the better.

This holistic model was drawn from modern research and the ancient wisdom of indigenous cultures around the world. Interestingly enough, these building blocks will work in any culture, in any country and with any child. Resilience can be built in families with limited financial resources as well as within remote rural communities, often scattered a long way from major cities. This is a strength-focused, common-sense model that resonates with early years’ educators, parenting educators, families and schools. Not all of our children are going to be academically gifted or competent, however if they are capable and resilient, they will navigate this strange journey called life in a way that will allow them to thrive and create a life of worth and meaning.

Building resilience is a vital ingredient in our parenting. It is a process that directs our interactions with our children as we

strengthen their ability to meet life’s challenges and pressures with confidence and perseverance.

Thirty years of research tells us that resilient people are happier, live longer and are more successful in school and jobs, are happier in relationships and are less likely to suffer depression.

— K. Reivich and A. Shatte, The Resilience Factor (2002)

Bonnie Benard is considered by many as the mother of the concept of building resilience. She worked for many years with children who were at risk. Benard decided that, rather than focusing on what was wrong in these children’s lives, she would explore what was working. What was helping them to cope with their very dysfunctional lives? With her innovative vision she identified protective factors. Communities