Am I Good Enough, Lord?: Finding Healing When Life Makes You Doubt God's Love

By Debra L. Hall

How good is good enough?

What does God really expect from us? 

Using life experiences, biblical scripture, and teachings from well-known Pastors and Bible teachers, Debra Hall takes you on a journey through dealing with deep pain, abuse, fear, sin, life trials, and Satanic attacks to bring you to a life of fre

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Jul 19, 2022
• ISBN: 9781685567781

Debra L. Hall

Debra Hall graduated from Cornerstone University in Grand Rapids, Michigan with a bachelor's degree in Psychology and a minor in Human Services, but feels she has attained a Master's Degree through life experiences. She is the Administrative Assistant of her church and the director of their three food ministries, Zion Food Pantry, Zion Mobile Pantry, and Zion Soup Kitchen. She lives in Michigan with her husband, Elwin, and their dog, Sara.

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Am I Good Enough, LORD?

Finding Healing When Life Makes You Doubt God’s Love

Debra L. Hall

Trilogy Christian Publishers

TUSTIN, CA

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive

Tustin, CA 92780

Am I Good Enough, LORD?

Copyright © 2022 by Debra L. Hall

Unless otherwise indicated, scripture quotations are taken from New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.TM Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without written permission from the author. All rights reserved. Printed in the USA.

Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, CA 92780.

Trilogy Christian Publishing/TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Cover design by: Beth Harp Photography, Lagrange, Indiana

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN:978-1-68556-777-4

E-ISBN: 978-1-68556-778-1

To you who have suffered deep wounds and have been made to feel like you are less than.

You are more than enough, and you are greatly loved.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

800-273-8255

suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Text START to 88788

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

English and Spanish

TTY 1.800.787.3224

www.acf.hhs.gov

Preface

I was not born a writer, but I am a listener, and I love to learn about my Father and His Word. He brought the words of many wonderful teachers and pastors to me through Christian radio, television, and books. I give them credit for all that I know and speak. I have soaked up their teachings, and God’s Holy Word, like a sponge until it became a part of my fiber and I’m not sure that any of my words are really mine. I feel these people deserve any credit for this book. People like: Dr. Charles Stanley, Joyce Meyer, Pastor Robert Morris, Pastor Steven Furtick, Dr. Robert Jeffress, Sarah Young, Pastor Greg Laurie, Beth Moore, Pastor Jentzen Franklin, Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Charles Swindoll, John Bevere, Pastor David Jeremiah, Max Lucado, Oswald Chambers, Pastor James Merritt, Dr. Randy Carlson, Dr. Kevin Lehman, and others that I may have missed.

The only thing that makes my story meaningful to any of you is Jesus. I am not unique because I suffered. Most of you have suffered too. Some could tell much more compelling stories than I. We all go through different types of heartaches and trials, but the pain, the sorrow, and the struggle generally feel the same. In the midst of my adversities, I prayed for God to use my experience to help others who were hurting. This book is an outcome of that.

God wants to bring hope and healing to the hurting. He wants you to know how very much you are loved and cherished. He wants you to release your pain to him and take on His peace, joy, and love. Anything God has done for me (and others) he can do for you, and even more. Trust, obey, and wait (use the waiting time to learn and grow—do your part and God will do His).

My prayer is that as you see how God has been at work in my life, and the lessons He has taught me, you will understand how He can work wonders in your life as well. He is waiting patiently for you to reach out and take hold of His hand. He has amazing things in store for you.

[Because music has ministered to me so much over the years my hope was to include lyrics from Christian music at the end of each chapter to further comfort and speak to you. However, I was not able to do this, instead, I am recommending titles of songs so you can search the web for their lyrics or listen to the words and music on YouTube. Music allowed me to pour out my deep sorrow and pain, and to sing praise and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for never giving up on me. At times, it felt like these song writers had been in my head and read my journals…. Remember that you are never alone in your suffering. You have many brothers and sisters.]

Contents

Chapter 1. The God of Hope 1

Chapter 2. The God of Healing 16

Chapter 3. The God Who Restores 41

Chapter 4. The God of Peace 62

Chapter 5. The God of Justice 80

Chapter 6. The God of Mercy 108

Chapter 7. The God Who Protects 130

Chapter 8. The God Who Refines 147

Chapter 9. The God of Love 164

Chapter 1

The God of Hope

Just like those women, you think you are unlovable. As the Holy Spirit spoke those words into my mind, He laid bare the deepest part of my soul. My life flashed before me in a millisecond. My inner being wanted to deny it, yet something in me knew that I couldn’t, and I began sobbing uncontrollably. I clamped my hand over my mouth trying not to disturb the speaker and audience. Jennifer, my assistant table leader, was sitting next to me and put her arm around me. Unable to fully accept the message, I cried out repeatedly, God told me I think I’m unlovable. How can I think I’m unlovable when I have so many people who love me?

It was the closing ceremony of the 81st Emmaus Walk. I was seated in the second row with the other participants. The sanctuary was filled with family, friends, and other Emmaus members. We were listening to the guest speaker talk about her work with women who had been victims of human trafficking when the Holy Spirit shook my world…. the first time.

You see, I’d spent the majority of my life in an abusive marriage. I was never beaten, slapped, kicked, or thrown down a stairway but I was none the less abused. —Before you think you can’t relate to my story or this book, can you relate to pain? Even deep, gut-wrenching pain? Can you relate to fear, worry, confusion, discouragement, insecurity, depression, anxiety, loneliness, or desperation? Ever felt suicidal? Can you relate to praying to God for answers to your problems and feeling like He’s gone fishing? Have you ever had to deal with a difficult person? Are you seeking to know more about the One and Only God who created us, who loves us, who knows us intimately, and who is always with us? If you have ever, or are now experiencing any of these, keep reading, we may have more in common than you think.

I had looked forward to attending the Emmaus Walk ever since I first heard about it a few years earlier. I didn’t really know what to expect but I believed it would be something good. I believed I might hear something from God that would bring healing to my wounded soul.

The Emmaus Walk is a three-day spiritual retreat. I took my walk in October of 2011. During those days we spent part of our time hearing first-hand how others had experienced God’s deep love and merciful grace. I remember thinking at one point, is this it? It seemed too simple to really help me, but God had a plan.

One night we were to write down something we wanted to release to God. I was the first one to jump out of my seat and boldly say, Fear. Fear had become my constant companion—as it has for many of you, even if you aren’t aware of it….(Are you a worrier? Fear and a lack of trust in God are the culprits.)

I was always fearful of unintentionally stirring up my husband’s anger. It was impossible to know what would trigger his temper. Once, I forgot to put gas in the car and he was very angry, so the next time I made sure to put gas in the car. This time he was angry because he did not want the gas tank filled that day. No matter what I did there was a good chance it would be the wrong thing. I told a counselor once that an abusive relationship is worse than being in prison. At least in prison you know what the rules are, in these relationships there are no rules, or the rules change from one day to the next without warning.

The cruel thing about abuse, at least in most cases, is that it isn’t a 24/7 thing. Life may be going along fine, then all of a sudden….BAM! …. it smacks you in the face when you least expect it…… (for some, quite literally). That’s why you get anxious, that’s why you become fearful and worry you’ll make a mistake. You never know what’s going to set the abuser off. I used to say it’s like living in a house where the floor is covered with eggs. You try your best to walk across the floor without breaking any of the eggs but no matter how careful you are you always break the eggs.

I’d grown up going to church with my grandparents and I accepted Jesus into my life at the ripe old age of six years old while attending vacation Bible school. Somehow, I just knew that I wanted Jesus in my life. I memorized scripture in Sunday school and sang in the Junior Choir. At the end of sixth grade, we moved to a larger, nearby town. We occasionally attended a church there and I participated in a few of the youth group activities.

As I got older (in high school) I rarely went to church. Whatever I had heard and learned in church didn’t really seem to have an effect on how I lived my life, although, I was always against using drugs. Near the end of my senior year, I started dating Tom. He was outgoing and boisterous which was very different for me since my family is quiet and reserved and I was a shy, insecure, introvert.

At first, he treated me like a queen. He bought me gifts, took me places, and gave me his car to use. He was crazy about me and had actually told his previous girlfriend, whenever they fought, that he was going to go marry Deb C. Within a few months there were signs of his true nature, but I was too young and naïve to realize what they meant. He put me on a pedestal in the beginning only to spend the rest of our life together tearing me down.

It’s normal to hear abused women say they stay because they love their husbands (boyfriends). That was not true in my case. He said he loved me and wanted to get married. I believed he was a good person, he wanted me, so we were married. For some reason it never entered my mind to ask myself if I was in love with him before we were married.

I realized sometime later that I had more of a big brother feeling toward him than a romantic one. Whether or not this contributed to our marital problems I can’t say, but his anger, and insecurity issues certainly did. He told me that his family had repeatedly told him he was going to be a wife beater which I believe kept him from physically abusing me. He didn’t want to prove them right. He may also have known that he would have to deal with his father if he had beaten me.

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Tom had been raised Catholic as a young child, but his family was excommunicated when his parents divorced. The divorce took him from a well-to-do home to one of poverty. He had also lost his younger brother, who was his best friend, in a car accident, which he blamed on his father. He believed in God and Jesus but had no desire to give them control of his life. He wanted to live life on his own terms.

About twelve years, and three children, into the marriage we moved back to my childhood town and into my grandparents’ big, old house. One day some ladies from my old church came to the door inviting our children to Sunday school. I liked the idea, so the following Sunday I took the kids to church, planning to drop them off and return later. Instead, I was ushered into the young adult Sunday school class. Many of the same adults I’d known as a child still attended the church and I felt safe and loved in their midst. That was the beginning of my adult walk with the Lord. Church and work were my refuge, my safe places; the places where I could breathe….the places that kept me sane and let me feel normal.

Aside from