Relationships IQ: A hands-on guide to create relationships that work

By Tony Wiseman

There is nothing that has attracted as much attention as ‘love’. Most songs are about it and Hollywood and Bollywood have converted love to a romantic and sugar-coated concept. The problem is that couples expect that their relationships will resemble the make-believe world of the silver screen, literature and love-songs. In the real world the challenge is how to preserve love and avoid becoming another statistic in the flood of failed relationships.
This book offers an advanced programme, tailored to today’s world, that will enable you to revive your relationship and enhance understanding, communication and cooperation. In a clear and pin-point style, the authors provide answers that re-instil depth and pleasure to any relationship.
For over 30 years, the authors have been engaged in training and counselling in the field of self-awareness, communication and parenting around the world. In their work, they have encountered a great number of people whose relationships have broken down or lost the sparkle. Over and over again, they have proven that it is possible to repair or revive every relationship as long as there is desire and intention.
Are you willing to invest in your relationship in order to rekindle the flame?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: May 31, 2022
• ISBN: 9781398442528

Tony Wiseman

Tony qualified in Law and practiced as a solicitor in his country of birth, South Africa before emigrating to Israel in 1961. Since then, after a stint on a kibbutz, he lectured at the Tel Aviv University and opened a chain of fast food restaurants and established a travel company specializing in incentive travel. The company won several international awards. For the last 34 years, as a highly respected trainer, he has conducted seminars in personal development and self-awareness in Israel, Turkey, the United Kingdom and around the world with his wife, Orit Josefi Wiseman in their company, Outlook. He has also been a coach and mentor, often dealing with issues pertaining to intimate relationships, which formed the basis of the book, Relationships I.Q., written together with Orit and published by Austin Macauley.

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About the Author

Tony Wiseman qualified in Law and practised in his country of birth, South Africa, before emigrating to Israel in 1961. Since then, after a stint on a kibbutz, he has lectured at the Tel Aviv University and for the last 30 years has conducted seminars in personal development and self-awareness around the world with Orit Josefi Wiseman in their company, Outlook. He has also been a coach and mentor, often dealing with issues related to relationships pertaining to couples.

Orit was a businesswoman, managing the European operation of an American hi-tech company, until she decided to pursue her dream of working with children and families. She obtained her Master’s degree in child-play therapy at York University and has a private clinic where she works with children. She has lectured in communications, at the Jerusalem Hebrew University. She also coaches individuals and couples using unique and original techniques she has developed.

Dedication

We dedicate this book to the countless Outlook graduates around the world and the many couples with whom we had the privilege to work over the years. Their trust and confidence in us, the openness, honesty and courage they displayed, to create change in their lives ― all these qualities deeply moved us and provided the inspiration for this book. They taught us far more than we were able to give them.

Copyright Information ©

Tony Wiseman and Orit Josefi Wiseman 2022

The right of Tony Wiseman and Orit Josefi Wiseman to be identified as authors of this work has been asserted by the authors in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

The names and other identifying details in the case studies quoted have been changed to protect the identity and privacy of the individuals involved.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398442511 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398442528 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2022

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Acknowledgement

We are indebted to the many people who supported us during the writing of this book. It is risky to mention names due to the possibility of omitting someone. Nonetheless, because acknowledgement is so important, it is essential to express our gratitude to those who encouraged us to turn the idea of this book into reality. We apologise in advance to anyone we may have forgotten to whom acknowledgement is due.

During the entire process of writing, we received endless feedback and recommendations from friends and family. Thanks to Einat Meir who was the first to read the original manuscript. Her comments often provided the spur for us to continue.

Thank you also to Penny Mallinson, who encouraged us and was always there when we became discouraged.

Lilach Aharon, with her attention to detail, checked every single word in the draft with a fine-tooth comb. With her quiet, assertive and humorous attitude, she insisted on several changes in the written form, the case-studies and the general order of the chapters.

A special thanks to my brother, Robin Wiseman. His incisive comments assisted in ironing out some important points in the early version. Thank you to my brother, Yitzhak Yosefi (Sefi) who used creative thinking to advance the choice of a fitting name to the work.

Finally, we must mention all those couples and individuals who requested that we compile a training programme and guide that would assist in healing and improving couples-relationships. Their pleas provided the inspiration for this book. 

Aims and Intentions

Our purpose in writing this book was to assist and encourage you to open your hearts and bring out the best in each other. We hope that reading it (and perhaps doing the suggested exercises) will support you to feel warm and respectful towards one another in order to create and maintain a relationship with a sense of security, satisfaction and well-being. Our wish is that you will be able to enjoy your relationship, to reap the fruits of your closeness and to be an inspiration to other couples.

For more than thirty five years we have been involved in personal coaching and delivering seminars and programmes in the field of self-awareness and personal development throughout the world. In the course of these activities, we have worked with numerous people whose personal relationships were compromised or which had completely broken down either physically or emotionally.

In addition, in the process of therapy we have conducted with children, there has invariably been a necessity to handle the relationship between the parents, which detrimentally affects the children. As a result of the successes many couples experienced, we were frequently approached with pleas to prepare programmes and courses that would assist in the healing and enhancing of the relationship between couples. That has been the inspiration for this book.

Where Did All the Flowers Go?

The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom.

– Arthur Schopenhauer.

She is intelligent and beautiful. He is handsome and talented and together they make a striking couple. Both are young professionals at the start of their careers. They are deeply in love and have been ‘an item’ for over a year. Neither of them has ever experienced a romantic relationship such as this before. So, it is a natural consequence that when he proposes to her over a candlelit dinner in a restaurant with atmosphere suited to the occasion, she accepts without hesitation. They know they were meant for each other. They speak passionately about their dreams for the future – their home, children, financial security, eternal happiness, and of course, undying love.

This scene is repeated countless times (although, perhaps, without the violins and other trappings); so many plans, so many hopes, so many dreams, so much anticipation and such expectations.

Now project yourselves into the future, perhaps six or seven years down the road. Although a lawyer by profession, she no longer works in law as she is too busy looking after the children, keeping the home a nest, making sure meals are ready when he comes home from work, tired, tense and sometimes moody.

She would like to talk to him about so many things of interest. She also wants to discuss some mundane matters such as the boiler, which seems to be nearing the end of its working life or the nursery school teacher, who told her that lately, their little angel had been wetting himself and hitting some of the other children. He does not feel like discussing it at that moment. In fact, he does not feel like talking at all. It has been a hard day and all he wants to do is to relax for a while before dinner.

However, she is busy and asks him to give the kids a bath, put them to bed and read them a story while she finishes making supper. Afterwards, would he just lay the table. He is too tired and does not really want to do any of these things and politely says so. She, too, does not feel like doing most of the things she is doing and says so to him. Eventually, they compromise but he is angry.

Why can’t she understand what I go through during days like today. And perhaps if she were a little better organized, I would not need to be called on to do these tasks when I get home so exhausted. He carries his resentment around with him barely concealed. He can use it later as a bargaining chip, when the need arises.

She, too, is upset because he does not appreciate that she gave up her career as a lawyer to look after their children.

Being a wife, housewife and general housekeeper instead of a lawyer is not fair. I did it willingly at the time because it saved us the money which we would have had to pay a child minder and house maid. His career was not yet bringing home the financial rewards we had planned. But, good lord, a little appreciation on his part and some understanding, not to mention a little cooperation, would go far in easing some of the physical and mental exhaustion I am feeling. Last night, I had to get up three times to attend to the children who wanted a drink of water, wet the bed and finally decided that they wanted to come and sleep in mommy and daddy’s bed. On top of that, how could he still have wanted sex or expected me to be up to it? She too, is feeding the flames of resentment with her sense of unfairness, victimisation and lack of appreciation.

Variations on this theme are played out daily in the lives of couples everywhere. But what happened to the bright-eyed honeymooners with all the dreams from not that long ago. How could it ever have reached this stage? The writing, though, is on the wall. If something is not done soon, it will be too late. Theirs will become just another of the divorces driving up the alarming and skyrocketing statistics. In many countries more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, more than one out of every two with all the attendant heartache and bitterness! It is a very heavy price to pay but if there are children, they pay the heaviest price of all. Many studies undertaken have clearly established and catalogued the harm done to the children of broken homes – often irreparable damage.

The couple may eventually feel that they no longer love or enjoy one another enough to remain together. As a result, they divorce or separate in order to end the unhappiness. They hope to find a new loving relationship, like the one they used to have at the beginning, before love died.

The children, however, have not fallen out of love with their parents. They do not want to be separated from either of them. But they have no voice. And injured they will always be in the case of every divorce or separation. Naturally, no one willingly wants to harm the children. In fact, often, mom and dad, the couple, do not even want to hurt one another. But hurt there always is. Nothing can prevent the pain leading up to and following divorce or separation. Perhaps the solution is to do what is necessary and possible to prevent the divorce or separation in the first place. That is what this book is about—how to avoid getting to this stage before it is too late.

For over twenty years we have been engaged in preparing and delivering trainings and workshops in the area of self-awareness and personal development all over the world. Consequently, in these programmes and in private coaching sessions, we have worked with numerous people, whose relationships have either started to sour or have even broken down completely, resulting in separation, either physical or emotional. In addition, during the process of therapy with children, it was often necessary to deal with such inter-parental relationships which always tend to affect children adversely. As a result of the outstanding success achieved by hundreds of couples, many people begged us to compile a training programme or coaching module, which would facilitate the healing and improving of their relationships. Their pleas provided the inspiration for this book. We are eternally grateful for having been afforded the opportunity to be involved in their journey as well as the trust they gave us. We do not take it for granted.

Probably, nothing has received as much attention or had as much time devoted to it as ‘love’. Most songs are about love. Books are written with love as the central theme; Hollywood and Bollywood have turned love into a sugar-coated, Pollyanna idea. All it takes is to be in love and everything will turn out fine.

Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. – A. de Saint Exupery.

The trouble is that songs only last a short time. Books can be read in a few sittings and films are over in a couple of hours. Afterwards, we go back to our everyday lives and we expect our relationships to be like those in the artificial world of music, literature or cinema.

Philosophers and psychologists, poets and priests, scientists and song writers, experts in every field have tried to come up with a definition for love. Many of them are able to describe how it feels but explaining what it is and how it happens is a much harder task. The result is that love still basically remains a mystery although it would appear to be at the top of most people’s list of their most earnest and deepest desires. The word ‘love’ is used so loosely today, that it has lost its true meaning. It is intriguing to think that when we say we want ‘love’ or ‘we love’, we ourselves may not be completely clear what we mean.

The worst sin towards our fellow creature is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that’s the essence of inhumanity. – George Bernard Shaw.

The truth is we have been sold a fiction. Modern psychological marketing-techniques are so effective that they convince us to buy anything the advertiser is selling – a shiny new car, a sylph-like figure, an over-expensive holiday to some exotic island. In the advertisement, they exhort us to buy the new vacuum cleaner, hoovering the sparkling carpet in the beautiful house overlooking the manicured garden. And buy we do because they know what moves people and what they want. We have also been sold the idea of the perfect relationship that goes on forever and ever with no pitfalls or upsets. Happy and contented partners are always smiling and attentive. Even when difficulties do arise in films or books, they are always overcome. When the final credits roll, the ideal couple is locked in a warm embrace, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, reaffirming their undying love for each other as the accompanying music lifts us to sublime heights.

In the movies, love always wins out in the end. It is true. The problem, however, is how to keep love alive so that there will be a happy ever after. How can we acquire the ability to avoid becoming another of those statistics?

Love is like a drug. When we are ‘in love’, we feel we cannot get enough of it. The other person is constantly in our thoughts. We want to be together all the time. Conversation is often stimulating and uplifting. Our hearts are full. The days seem brighter and nights more romantic. Even the things we do not particularly like seem less important in these early stages and we pay them little heed. Our beloved can do no wrong.

Most relationships began this way. However, next time you visit a restaurant or go to any public place where you come in contact with other couples, pay attention to those around you and you will see the effects of neglect and the taking each other for granted.

The older people, at the corner table, pay almost no attention to one another. They are both wrapped up in their own thoughts. Occasionally, one will say something, elicit a brief response and then the yawning chasm between them reopens and they are again on separate sides of the divide. Boredom with each other is personified. Often in a party of more than one couple, watch and notice how the women usually engage in one conversation and the men in something else. They seem to ignore one another. Never the twain shall meet. What happened to these people (or did not) that brought them to this stage even though they are still ‘together’?

Love cannot endure indifference… Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another’s heart or its flame burns low. – Henry Ward Beecher.

And what about all the couples who decide there is no point in staying together any longer? In modern western society, we have been surreptitiously conditioned to expect instant gratification and so, often, lack the patience and determination for the long haul. This attitude has caused many of us to believe that:

Relationships, by their very nature, invariably end in disappointment.

When love dies, so does the relationship. Get out before it is too late.

It is no big deal to separate.

Why put up with suffering, unnecessarily.

If the relationship cannot be fixed – find a new one.

Perhaps the next relationship will be the one.

Etc., etc., etc., etc...

So, just as we often jump into relationships feet-first, we have also become acclimatised to abandoning them post-haste if we are not getting the gratification or satisfaction, we feel is our due.

The throw-away, fast-food mentality of today, has made divorce and separation the readily acceptable solution to relationship problems. Irreconcilable incompatibility is even a valid reason these days to dissolve a relationship. With a little application, compassion, a cool head and awareness, the relationship could have been saved, avoiding the heartache to all parties caught in the crossfire of such situations.

Much can, and probably will, happen to upset the relationship. However, it is important to keep in mind that relationships do not just happen. A relationship, although often stated to be made in heaven, is not made there at all. It is made on earth by the parties to the relationship. Our conditioning has led us to believe that good relationships simply happen but we have learnt through bitter experience that it is not so. We make them happen. And just as we make them happen, we are the only ones who can make them work properly.

Solid relationships need to be built over a life-time, step by step, day-by-day. They require our commitment to our original values, all the time, especially in tough times or where discord or friction occurs. That is the long haul. Unfortunately, when things go wrong, we are quick to blame the other person. ‘If only he would change, everything would be fine’. ‘If she had not changed, things would be okay’. The accent is always on the delinquency of the other person and their need to change for the relationship to get back on track. The way to start the process of repairing any relationship, however, is for us first to work on sorting ourselves out, not the other person. The problems that arise, as we know, are not because of the other, but because of our thinking, negatively about whatever is causing us grief.

Our commitment to our relationship, our willingness to overcome the difficulties, our ability to be bigger than our usual selves for the sake of the relationship (which is bigger than just ourselves), the potential to be loving, even if we are not ‘in love’, is what would make the difference. Once we choose to give our relationship a chance we can begin learning from our own and others experiences. We can start acquiring tools to use in patching up breakdowns and turning them into breakthroughs so we can create the joy to be derived from the state of deep, intimate and loving relationships.

Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day, sharing the workload and remembering to carry out the trash. – Dr. Joyce Brothers.

We do not need experts to explain all this to us. We inherently know it ourselves. The challenge, though, is how to do it. It is at this practical level that our relationships break down and so we often find them on the rocks.

Throughout this book, we have provided numerous case studies to illustrate different situations on a practical level. They are all based on actual cases. Naturally, we have changed their names in order to protect their identities and safeguard their privacy. Often the cases described are condensations of several sharings or sessions. The results and circumstances portrayed are accurate and proof positive of the efficacy of the true and tried principles and applications described in this book.

It is our firm belief that although it may seem an impossibly Herculean task, beyond the ability of most of us, it is actually attainable by anyone with the intention to commit to the project. It does not require any special intelligence or know how as we all have an inborn ability and desire to relate.

People do not lack strength; they lack will. –