Parenting is (Not) Child's Play

By Orit Josefi Wiseman

Most parents would say that they love their children, passionately. They might also admit that at times they experience frustration, anger and even disappointment because of disobedience and a lack of cooperation from their children.

Parenting is (Not) Child’s Play deals with the ‘Special Play Time’ method, a revolutionary and proven tool that empowers both parents and children. During a 40-minute weekly play session, parents learn, not only clear and practical skills in setting boundaries, they also gain a deeper understanding of the emotions and worries of their children. They discover how to encourage positive behaviour, too and thus increase the self-esteem of their children.

Within a short time, parents notice positive changes in the home. While enjoying mutual fun and play, they regain their parental authority and notice an increase in the emotional and social abilities of their children.

Orit Josefi Wiseman is a non-directive play therapist with an M.A. from the University of York in the United Kingdom. She has a clinic in Israel and has rich and extensive experience with parents and children using this method. She has also established trainings for families and professionals in the field of education in order for them to improve their communication with and empower the psychological robustness of children.

During her work, Orit has met many parents who have learnt parental skills but could not implement them in real time. Her book is written for all those parents. Having a deep faith in the efficacy of the method, Orit wishes to share her knowledge and make it accessible to every household with children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Nov 10, 2023
• ISBN: 9781035805655

Orit Josefi Wiseman

Orit Josefi Wiseman managed the European branch of an American Hi-Tech company in London until she decided to abandon this path and devote her life to the benefit of children and their healing. Orit completed her MA studies in Play therapy at the University of York, UK, over 20 years ago. Since then, she has gained vast international experience gleaned from her clinical work with emotional and behavioural difficulties of children. Orit has also established training programmes for families to improve their communication and empower the mental robustness of children. She has created and conducted special projects with educational teams and social services care-workers in the UK, Turkey and Israel. In addition, Orit has lectured at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem and in the School of Play Psycho-therapy in Tel Aviv.

Book preview

Parenting is (Not)

Child’s Play

Orit Josefi Wiseman

Austin Macauley Publishers

Parenting is (Not)

Child’s Play

About the Author

Dedication

Copyright Information ©

Acknowledgement

Introduction

Foreword

Part 1

Communicating Through Play

Special Playtime

Preliminary Preparations

Creating a Predetermined and Enabling Framework

Parents’ Attitude During Special Playtime

Thoughts on Parental Authority

Implementing Boundaries

How Do We Actually Play?

Increase Self-Esteem Through Praise

The Meaning of Play Understanding the Message

Part 2

Introduction

Listening from a State of Acceptance

Setting Boundaries

Preparing Children for Transitions from One Activity to Another

Praise and Compliments During Routine Activities

Epilogue The Beginning

About the Author

Orit Josefi Wiseman managed the European branch of an American Hi-Tech company in London until she decided to abandon this path and devote her life to the benefit of children and their healing. Orit completed her MA studies in Play therapy at the University of York, UK, over 20 years ago. Since then, she has gained vast international experience gleaned from her clinical work with emotional and behavioural difficulties of children.

Orit has also established training programmes for families to improve their communication and empower the mental robustness of children. She has created and conducted special projects with educational teams and social services care-workers in the UK, Turkey and Israel. In addition, Orit has lectured at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem and in the School of Play Psycho-therapy in Tel Aviv.

Dedication

To all children, who are our future.

Copyright Information ©

Orit Josefi Wiseman 2023

The right of Orit Josefi Wiseman to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

The story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781035805648 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781035805655 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Acknowledgement

To my husband, Tony, my source of support, without your encouragement, insistence and understanding this book would never have seen the light of day. Your love and trust in me are the wind in my sails.

I am grateful to the many friends, who were part of this journey. Enat Meir and Lilach Aharon Yonat, my special close girlfriends accompanied me all the way, read and re-read the manuscript and contributed from their wisdom to improve book.

My special gratitude goes to Shir Aharon Yonat who, with her childish purity and innocence, strengthened a deep urge in me to create a better world for children, the keepers of our future so that they can move into their adult lives secure, happy and empowered.

To John Kelly, who kept asking me about an English translation of my book, originally in Hebrew, pushed me to take a step and make this English version happen, I thank you. Without your gentle nagging, it would not be so.

Thank you, Austin Macauley, for believing in me and choosing to publish this book. It means a lot.

Finally, I would like to say a special thank you to all the families who trusted me over the years and allowed me to escort them through breakdowns and hardships and taught me so much. The children and the parents, you are my main source of inspiration.

Introduction

Ever since I can remember, I have been filled with a deep sense of commitment towards children, those delicate, vulnerable flowers of our future. As part of my work as a Non-directive Play Therapist, I meet with many families which have experienced complicated situations. They needed to cope with all the difficulties, hardships and anxieties that have an emotional influence on their children. I have treated children who are introverted, over-sensitive and children with violent or defiant behaviour patterns. I deal with children who suffered the emotional upheaval caused by parental feuds that often lead to divorce. I have seen children who live with overly protective parents or where they have been subjected to violence, emotional neglect or abuse. In my private clinic, I have met children who lack the ability to contain their frustration as a result of suffering from social difficulties, low self-esteem, basic insecurity and more.

In my therapeutic work, time and time again, I have witnessed the fact that the length of treatment is considerably shortened when parents are involved. This objective could be accomplished if, and when, the child’s parents actively participate and cooperate in the process. I am convinced that in many cases the treatment I delivered would not have been necessary if the parents had possessed the necessary skills to provide assistance for their children at home. I recognised the difficulties parents experience when they are confronted by their children’s behavioural and emotional problems. On one hand, they want to do the best they can for their children but on the other, they encounter difficulties, struggles, a sense of helplessness and lack suitable guidance that is adapted for our day and age.

Countless times I hear it said, ‘Children of today are disrespectful. They refuse to listen, they don’t respect their parents and they’re nothing like we used to be.’

And to this, I always reply, ‘True and the parents of today are nothing like their own parents were.’

Often parents think that enlightened parenting means satisfying their child’s every whim. Parents, who regularly make threats, but never follow through, prove to their children that they can act in any way they want because being insolent or disruptive carries no real consequences. In these cases, they have succeeded in convincing the children that they are the centre of the world and consequently only the children’s needs are important.

‘Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but about dancing in the rain.’

-Anonymous

Over the years I discovered my growing desire and a wish to find a way to help release parents from the loop in which they find themselves with their children. I wanted to provide practical ways to help cope with today’s challenges of parenting, allowing them to enjoy their children.

Such a way out of the loop does exist and it is both effective and accessible. The method is called Special Playtime.

Special Playtime allows parents to reclaim parental authority, not by engaging in power struggles but from a secure, respectful and clear place. Parents learn to play with their children in a different way from what they are accustomed. Using this method, Mum and Dad practice parenting skills that help to strengthen a cooperative bond with children, deepen communication skills and lead to mutual enjoyment within the family. The beauty of this method is it does not require the parent to become the perfect parent, implementing learned skills every moment of the day. The method simply requires a parent to apply the skills for a mere forty minutes per week during Special Playtime activity. This is done through fun-filled play and without pressure. A real change takes place between the parent and the child and consequently their attitudes to each other alter.

I wholly believe that applying the Special Playtime skills can bring significant improvement to the lives of families in a relatively short period of time.

‘Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending.’

– Carl Bard

Normally, to learn the principles of this method and how to implement them, parents are obliged to meet in groups under the guidance of a certified therapist who accompanies them through the learning process. The idea of writing this book became a reality for me because I firmly believe every parent deserves to be introduced to and become familiar with, this method in their own home. There is a genuine need to make it accessible for everyone, not simply for therapists and privileged parents with suitable financial means, as it is up to now.

My goal is to empower parents to take responsibility for the next generation growing up. They can experience satisfaction, enjoyment and open and respectful communication.

Please do not take offence that, throughout this book, I have used the masculine gender when referring to both parents and children. It is not intended to reduce the importance of the feminine gender or to imply that males are predominantly required to make adjustments. It is simply because it becomes clumsy to say, ‘He or she,’ ‘himself or herself,’ for example, each time.

Foreword

When a couples decide they are ready to expand their family and, as a result, find themselves expecting a child, they go through a process during which they experience a variety of emotions; excitement mixed with apprehension, curiosity about the coming child and an expectancy, hopefully optimistic, of the new chapter that is about to begin in their life together.

Mum feels an emotional attachment to the foetus growing in her womb. Without even noticing, her hands caress and hold her belly, gently stroking it over and over. She is thrilled by every movement of the baby and filled with wonder when she sees the contours of the child during ultrasound examinations. The miracle of creation fills her entire world.

As for Dad, he does his best to actively share in the experience of pregnancy. He often places his hand on his wife’s belly to feel the baby when it moves. He invents with his partner, new pet names for the little peanut and is often preoccupied with planning financial support for his expanding family. Today, in many cases, Dad chooses to be present at the birth. He is there to support his wife and at the same time earns the right to take part in the spiritual elation of witnessing a new life coming into the world.

When the parents hold their baby for the very first time, it is likely to be the first real opportunity to feel the full weight of the responsibility that is now theirs. They probably even feel overcome with love for the soft, pure, delicate creature made in their own image. This tiny human is theirs to nurture, educate and keep from harm. At that moment, their intentions are entirely pure and altruistic. Their hearts are brimming with positive emotions. Together, they will to strive to be the loving, supportive and empowering parents the newborn baby deserves.

The journey has begun.

All too soon, though, they are faced with the challenging reality of caring for a helpless baby who is utterly dependent on them. Their own needs are suddenly shunted aside and the baby’s needs take over their lives. They are faced with sleepless nights, the ailments and diseases from which children inevitably suffer, vaccinations, never-ending loads of laundry and a seemingly endless lists of tasks, all the while trying to rebuild a regular routine and resume work. These factors and others begin to weigh them down and perhaps even dim the initial excitement over the wonderful new person growing up in their home. Consequently, over time, routine erodes the dream, and parenthood gradually turns into a war of survival, forcing the young parents to juggle one task and another while battling against constant, chronic fatigue.

’The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.’

– Dolly Parton

A regular morning in the family looks something like this:

Many parents experience this, or a similar scenario, most mornings and very likely at other times of the day too. And so, despite that parents telling you they passionately love their children, many times they will also admit to finding themselves feeling helpless, frustrated, impatient, angry and perhaps even disappointed by their child’s insubordination and unwillingness to cooperate.

This book provides you with practical skills to amend scenarios like the one described above. Following the guidelines in this book will empower parents to remain authoritative but pleasant, as well as clear and persistent, instead of having created a regime rooted in anger, frustration and helplessness. Instead of insubordination and inattentiveness on the part of the child, parents will experience cooperation by having cleared a space for expressions of love and respect among all family members.

***

In our contemporary world, parenting is an exceptionally difficult role.

Most families do not live with grandparents, or even near them, as was once the norm. Thus, parents have no one to support them in their day-to-day arduous routines. In many cases, both spouses work to afford a reasonable standard of living. The need to be like everyone else and provide their children with afternoon classes, toys, computer games, birthday parties, vacations, summer schools, clothing and so on, means many couples are constantly trapped in a never-ending cycle of career advancement to earn sufficient money, leaving little or no energy to spend quality time with their child.

With the liberation of women came a blurring of the traditional roles of fathers and mothers. This often leads to confusion and difficulty in the setting of clear boundaries.

When asked about what they dream their children will one day become, parents often reply, ‘I just want him/her to be happy.’

The big question is, what could they do right now for their children today? How should they raise them so that they will indeed be happy, confident and secure in their adult life?

Does the path to future happiness involve constantly placating the children and complying with all their whims and wishes, so that they know how much they are loved?

Or perhaps is the right approach being, tough and strict, so that the child learns what discipline means? Many parents swing like a pendulum between the two extremes – boundless appeasement and all-out anger with mutual screaming and punishments. This leads to guilt-driven behaviour and uncontrollable reactions due to accumulated frustration and disappointment.

’We know what we are, but not what we may be.’

― William Shakespeare

Dedicated parents have always invested a great deal of effort in the development of their children but today the focus has shifted more towards knowledge and intelligence. Many of them teach their children to read and write even before the first grade. They send them to preschool preparation courses, provide them with knowledge, and praise didactic-related accomplishments.

Children’s motor skills receive much care and attention. Afternoon classes like ballet, martial arts, swimming, cycling…all develop a child’s gross motor skills. Various art classes are available to develop their fine motor skills.

However, on the other hand, there is a constant regression as far as the development of children’s emotional and social skills are concerned. In the past, the emotional and social aspects of children’s lives developed naturally because they played outside with other neighbourhood children. In our age of computers, gaming consoles and television, children spend hours sitting in front of screens and do not have sufficient hands-on experience to learn to cope with the behaviour of other children. They do not learn to manage social frustrations and ways of handling them. Nothing is done by parents to develop social skills other than in cases where a child’s emotional or behavioural difficulties are extreme