Mum, Baby & Toddler

By JAN MURRAY

mum baby toddler together we learn

Jan shares in her book real parenting experiences of when she was raising a young family. Like most new parents, Jan did not see or comprehend what she was embarking on and was caught up in her own life and needs rather than truly realizing the impact she was having on her developing babies and children. The journey she experienced and the one all new parents experience goes far beyond what you know you are capable of handling today.

Jans personal story woven through professional knowledge makes parenting real. It will make you laugh, cry and learn what you could do better in the many challenges that you face while raising your growing family. Reading her book will help you find the balance in your own parenting journey to provide the best opportunities for the development of your babies and children the future generation.

George Bernard Shaw wrote,Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered to the country and to mankind is to bring up a family and Jan couldnt agree more. Using her professional midwifery and child health knowledge, Jan shares how to care for a newborn and growing baby and helps you understand how to live with and encourage an independent toddler. Jan helps you see what discipline is really for and why building relationships with babies and young children are vital for their future.

What you will find inside:

o Basic skills needed when caring for your baby and toddler
o True accounts of raising babies & toddlers
o What gadgets & contraptions you really need
o How to recognise when your babys behaviour is not usual and what to do about it
o What feeding & sleeping behaviours to expect from your baby & toddler
o Understand how feed play sleep patterns work together
o What growth & development to expect in your baby & toddler

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Oct 27, 2012
• ISBN: 9781477137598

JAN MURRAY

Jan Murray has lived long enough to have had several professional occupations but the one she is most proud to proclaim from on high is that of mother, having raised five amazing children to adulthood. At fourteen, frustrated by her lack of education, Jan left school, taking it upon herself when her fifth child was born to matriculate and then undertake a Bachelor of Arts degree in English and Political Science. Juggling motherhood with study, she graduated from Macquarie University with Honours, working as a researcher, speech writer and press officer for several federal politicians before starting up a PR consultancy in the early eighties. Jan Murray & Associates (JMA) became a successful boutique consultancy with many high profile accounts to its credit. Eventually, after a decade of serious corporate fun launching entertainment, tourism and property projects, managing the media profiles of the rich and famous and heading up some useful (and mostly altruistic) fund-raising projects, Jan decided it was time to leave the spin business to others, opting to follow a dream and take up the solitary life of a writer, setting her sights on writing and producing the Great Australian Screenplay. Although credible actors such as Kiefer Sutherland and Claudia Karvan were attached, Sweet Surrender is still languishing in a bottom drawer waiting for several millions of dollars to attach themselves to it before the cameras can roll. Meanwhile, Jan was invited to appear as a guest on an episode of the legendary Beauty & the Beast agony aunt show produced by Foxtel and screened on Channel Ten five days a week. Somebody upstairs must have liked her confrontational, leftie style because she was still there a decade later, going head-to-head with the late, great Stan Zemanek. More than once, Jan was thrown off the show but, thanks to popular demand, was brought back again each time. It seems the viewers saw her as their champion and enjoyed seeing her sock it to the Beast on their behalf! Presently Jan is a full-time, fulfilled writer and, because she is in favour of the widest possible spread for her books, she values her association with Harlequin.

Book preview

Copyright © 2012 by Jan Murray.

Library of Congress Control Number:        2012911998

ISBN:                  Hardcover                       978-1-4771-3758-1

                            Softcover                        978-1-4771-3757-4

                            Ebook                              978-1-4771-3759-8

Series: Mother to mother

Book 1 taste it

Book 2 Mum, Baby & Toddler (revised mum & baby)

Book 3 grief & life

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Disclaimer: While every care has been taken in the preparation of this book, readers are advised to seek individual professional advice if in doubt about any aspect of their own health or that of their child. Jan Murray or Settle Petal may not be held liable for any action or claim resulting from use of this book or any information contained herein.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-800-618-969

www.Xlibris.com.au

[e-mail]

502026

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Prelude

Chapter 1

 Startingt green with one

Giving birth to your firstborn can be both exciting and terrifying. This chapter discusses many of the tentative decisions and skills that are tackled by new parents: skills like breastfeeding, nappy changing, settling your baby, and whose advice to believe.

Chapter 2

 And then there were two

After you give birth to your second child, you are generally more relaxed. However, there can be new challenges to face. This chapter highlights more baby issues such as nappy rash, feeding times, growth and development, and introducing solids. It also includes tips for coping with a baby plus a toddler.

Chapter 3

 Learning as the family grows

As family numbers increase, learning how to maintain a life balance is essential. Discover more skills on how to cope in a family with different personalities and temperaments. Also discusses how to bottle-feed and settle your older babies.

Chapter 4

 After having four babies could there be any more to learn?

Giving birth to number four will require you to have both emotional and physical survival skills. This chapter highlights practical household management tips to keep your family ship afloat. It discusses more baby issues such as cradle cap, separation anxiety, and constipation.

Chapter 5

 The family keeps growing—I’ll just go with the flow

The more children you have the busier and more demanding life is. It also brings rich rewards if you keep your head together. This chapter discusses some thoughts and practical tips to help you do just that plus advice on toilet training, flattened head shapes, and why sleep is important for everyone.

Chapter 6

 My final word

Evidence shows that it is difficult to earn your teenagers’ trust and respect unless they first develop trust with loving and secure relationships during their early developing years.

Can I help you further?

References

Index

Dedication

Ben Douglas Murray

1987-1989

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To my cherished firstborn, who showed me how precious life is and how you only get one chance at being your child’s mum.

Acknowledgements

I would like to express my heartfelt thanks and acknowledgements to the following beautiful people who have made my vision and idea come to life.

Cover Design: Deborah Parker, www.mookoodesign.com.au

Inspiration and thank yous: To my patient and loving husband, Michael, who has always shown immense belief in me and understanding throughout our lives together. He has encouraged me to write my knowledge down so that it may be of help to others.

To my amazing children, Ben (deceased), Jack, Dan, Tolly, and Gus, who have been and continue to be the source of inspiration for what I share throughout this book. Each of my children is a magnificent gift, who in their own way gives me unbelievable pleasure throughout the good and the tough times.

To the many wonderful parents I have had the pleasure of meeting and helping over the years. Thank you for asking me to write my knowledge down.

A special thank you to Natalia, Catherine, Fiona, Natasha, Lou, Jodie, Rachel, Kristy, Melissa, and Stacey who share their real parenting experiences and thoughts for readers to identify with and relate to. To Tracey, Fiona, Jodie, Maya, Melissa, Rachel, Stacey, and Catherine, thank you for your gorgeous baby photos.

Thank you to Katie James for her expertise as a lactation consultant.

Introduction

As one mother to another I would like to encourage you in your role of mum. I know how hard it can be and what little thanks you often get. I have been there. Years ago, it was the simple words of encouragement from both my mother and mother-in-law that were immeasurably valuable for my self-esteem as a new mum. I needed to know I was doing OK. I have written this book to cheer you on and encourage you in your journey of motherhood.

Often when you read ‘how to’ books about parenting and babies, you are left feeling overwhelmed, confused, and even guilty. This book is different. It uses a holistic view and is designed to help parents see what the early years of parenting is all about—it does not outline the dos and don’ts of raising babies and toddlers. Instead, it gives an inside view of a real parent with some of the many challenges they face, and an insight into how parents can formulate their own answers of what to do in a variety of situations.

This book was written with the new, busy, tired, and confused parent in mind. It reveals snapshots of my journey, raising five babies interwoven with experience-based professional knowledge and expertise as a registered nurse, midwife, and child and family health nurse. It is written to encourage and equip new parents for their important journey of nurturing a young family. It focuses on young families and the basics of feeding, playing, sleeping, health, and lifestyle balance. When a parent understands this balance and what can cause imbalance, their confidence and problem-solving abilities as a parent soar.

After a baby enters the world, a new parent can be left searching for the icon button to press or a parenting manual that is totally correct for their precious baby. However, some babies do not fall into any of the categories that are discussed. What do parents do then?

Instinctively and with the help and support of extended family and local village dwellers, mothers have been raising babies for thousands of years. Sadly, this maternal instinct, support, and encouragement are being replaced by politically and professionally correct knowledge found largely on the Internet and in books. This unceasing knowledge often leaves parents confused and takes them away from the heart of parenting, where their instincts are the guide.

I believe that everyone is a unique and complex individual who has the opportunity to grow and develop for a given purpose. It is a parent’s job to love their children and start them off in the best way possible in order for them to prosper and excel towards the destiny for their life. Building strong foundations in children through love and relationship attachments will equip them with sustainable resilience to face the many challenges that will come their way. I see this as a privilege to be involved with and one that I have never taken lightly, even if I never always got it professionally correct with my own children.

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible (Marion C Garretty).

It is now as my children are older and begin to leave home that I wish to encourage parents in the often arduous and exhausting years of raising babies and young children. The difficult times that parents experience are really only a moment in the journey of life, but how they are handled can make an impact for a lifetime.

My story highlights how I never got it all professionally and politically correct with the decisions I made, but I believe I did the best I could with the information and insight I had at the time, and I believe you can too. This book exposes my mothering, and I know from experience that you may feel how I felt in similar situations, but you can make more appropriate decisions as you learn from my mistakes.

Even though each generation has a different way of parenting, I always enjoyed hearing how veteran mothers handled situations with their babies and young children. At the end of the day, no matter how professionally out of line some of my decisions may have been, I rested in the fact that I had been there for my babies and that was what really mattered.

When I made the decision to write this book, I found it hard to know where to begin and end. There was so much information that could be covered in a book on babies, but I was conscious of keeping it on a focal point. I find clear and concise messages get through to sleep-deprived parents more effectively! After compiling information from a survey shared with over five hundred new parents, I decided to embrace the most common concerns that they experienced.

I hope to reach different types of parents with this book. Group one would not have had their first baby yet. These parents soak themselves with information while they eagerly await their baby’s arrival. They desire to feel equipped and ready.

Group two plan to just take parenthood as it comes after their baby is born. They plan to take advice from others and learn as they go. I guess as a new parent, I fitted into this category, but I know I would have been much more relaxed, confident, and less confused had I realised what to expect from babies at certain ages of their lives. It would have been beneficial to have understood more about allergies and intolerances, communication cues, and how early babies start to subtly get you to do things their way, even when their way isn’t always the most appropriate. Group three have entered into the role of parenting, feeling well prepared, but their little one is not doing what parenting books say they should be doing.

Over the years, with my own family, I have learnt how to listen and take care of babies, toddlers, and preschoolers, and today, I am discovering the complexities of teenagers and young adults. Having now reached this stage in my own family, I can honestly say that the first seven years of your child’s life is vital for their character development, building of relationships, and the ability to make responsible choices in later years. For this reason, I would like to share with you my parenting thoughts, professional knowledge, child health experiences and encouragement—mother to mother.

I have four beautiful teenage, young adults today, but if I had of known then (when they were babies) what I know now, it would have reduced a lot of my struggles and heartache as well as decreased some of their discomforts. My children never cease to amaze me with how unique and beautiful they are. As they continue to develop, I love watching how each is bringing their own unique and valuable contribution to the world, and it humbles me to think that I have played a key role in getting each of their lives started. It has been through my experiences and challenges in life that has brought me to this place today where I am able to impart into the lives of parents with babies and young children.

I hope you will join with me as I endeavour to keep families sane in the quest to shape a magnificent future generation.

How to read this book?

Many people learn from real-life experiences that relate to their own. For this reason, I have written this book as a story plus professional facts, case studies, and advice.

My story always begins with a fancy letter and briefly describes a significant experience of parenting babies and toddlers. If you would like to read my story uninterrupted by professional points, jump from fancy letter to fancy letter.

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This icon is My Professional View which holds indexed information for easy reference. The content highlights suggestions to consider when you are faced with similar situations to what I experienced in my story written above. The information is factual and often written in point form or charts, offering strategies and alternative ideas and suggestions.

Use the comprehensive index to find specific information.

Prelude

In the long run we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. (Henry David Thoreau, American author, poet, and philosopher)

As a twenty-four-year-old woman, backpacking around Europe with my new husband, Michael, my concept of parenting was far from realistic. We had based ourselves in the UK with my sister-in-law, who at the time had two girls, two and five years old. Martie, my sister-in-law, was always rushing her children to activities, cleaning, and washing clothes at night and never seemed to have any time for herself. Naturally, I thought there was something wrong with her time-management skills! I knew when I became a parent, my life would be different! I truly believed that I would fit the activities of my day between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. less on weekends, and the rest of the time would be for me and my husband. How mistaken I was! Never could I have predicted or understood the indescribable journey of being a parent. I was oblivious to the depth of emotions, the utter exhaustion, and the strength of the heart strings that attach a mum to her baby.

Chapter 1

Starting green with one

Giving birth to your firstborn can be both exciting and terrifying. This chapter discusses many of the tentative decisions and skills that are tackled by new parents: skills like breastfeeding, nappy changing, settling your baby, and whose advice to believe.

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How the world is viewed through the eyes of a child could not have been said better than in the words of ‘The Prayer’ that has been sung by many performers.

I pray you’ll be my eyes

And watch us where we go

And help us to be wise

In times when we don’t know.

Let this be our prayer

As we go our way

Lead us to a place

Guide us with your grace

To a place where we’ll be safe.

In 1985, Michael and I arrived back from overseas, financially broke and jobless after having a wonderful thirteen-month honeymoon. At the time, nursing jobs were easy to find in remote areas of Australia. We headed for the most remote nursing posts in the top western group of islands in the Torres Straits, Queensland, to replenish the bank balance! We were employed to organise local health staff and run the first-aid posts. Every two weeks, we would island-hop to one of our three islands either by helicopter or dingy. We had no electricity (probably why I fell pregnant so quickly) and lived using kerosene pump lanterns for light and a gas fridge and stove. It would get violent amongst the locals at times, and therefore it was not going to be an ideal environment for raising a baby. We planned to leave the island as soon as possible after our baby was born. While working on the islands, I had kept in good health and began to get excited as the birth of our first child drew closer.

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My professional view

Healthy eating during pregnancy

Good nutrition during pregnancy is vital for a healthy mother and her growing foetus (unborn baby). As long as women are not eating junk food or foods that risk bacterial contamination, they can pretty much eat what they like in moderation. Seafood is an important source of Omega 3 and protein during pregnancy; however, intake needs to be limited to one or two servings per week of the smaller varieties of fish to avoid ingesting high levels of mercury. It is best to consume seafood fresh and cooked to avoid bacterial or parasite contamination. A pregnant woman’s food cravings often reveal what her body lacks. If a woman craves foods devoid of nutrients, such as processed biscuits and cakes, it would be better to substitute something naturally sweet, like fruit. Women need to eat small, frequent quantities of food for comfort and to assist with the slowed passage of food and fluids that occurs during pregnancy. Extra folic acid is required for the growth and replication of new cells. Eating a variety of all foods from the list below to ensure protein, zinc, iron, Vitamin C, calcium, Vitamin D, iodine, (DHA) omega 3, and folic acid are consumed:

Untitled-1.jpg Dairy foods including cheese, milk, and yoghurt

Untitled-1.jpg Wholegrain breads and cereals

Untitled-1.jpg Lean meat, chicken, small fish varieties and eggs

Untitled-1.jpg Cooked dried beans and lentils

Untitled-1.jpg Variety of vegetables (especially green leafy) and fruits

Untitled-1.jpg Variety of nuts and seeds, especially almonds

Untitled-1.jpg Avoid saturated fat and refined sugars that are found in takeaways, white and pre-packaged foods

Untitled-1.jpg Drink at least eight glasses of fresh water a day and limit herbal tea to three per day

Untitled-1.jpg Include a little sea salt unless advised otherwise for medical reasons

Untitled-1.jpg Daily sunshine on your skin

While pregnant, a good approach to diet is to eat to satisfy the appetite. It is not the opportunity to eat for two even though women may find they are hungrier. Monitoring their weight and avoiding the temptation to indulge in any food with empty kilojoules is important. In other words, increase the nutrients not the kilojoules. It is helpful to keep a diet balanced and varied with natural goodness. Poor nutrition during pregnancy has been shown to develop poor nutrition programming in a growing foetus.

An acceptable weight gain over the course of pregnancy is determined by a healthy pre-conception weight which means women with a healthy preconception weight can expect to gain between 11.5 to 16 kg. It is important to discuss expected weight gains with a dietitian or doctor. Excessive weight gain has an increased risk of the following:

Untitled-1.jpg Birth by caesarean

Untitled-1.jpg High blood pressure

Untitled-1.jpg Gestational diabetes

Untitled-1.jpg Weight retention post-partum

Untitled-1.jpg Miscarriage

Untitled-1.jpg Wound infection

Untitled-1.jpg Depression

Untitled-1.jpg Foetal anomalies

Untitled-1.jpg Birth complication

In a multiple pregnancy, where the mother is expecting twins or triplets, a higher kilojoule intake is required and greater weight will be gained.

Listeria

Listeria is a bacterium that crosses into the placenta causing miscarriage and premature birth. To minimise acquiring Listeria contamination from food,

Untitled-1.jpg Ensure fresh foods are washed well.

Untitled-1.jpg Avoid eating leftovers after twenty-four hours in the fridge.

Untitled-1.jpg Eat cooked foods while still hot.

Untitled-1.jpg Heat all deli foods, such as soft cheeses and meats, to at least 70°C, which will kill any Listeria bacterium present.

Preparing nipples for breastfeeding

To help prevent dry nipples, avoid washing them with soap. During the third trimester, express and smear a little colostrum onto the nipple and allow to air-dry. Toughen nipples by exposing them to the air and spend a little time each day without wearing a bra. Do not scrub nipples to toughen them as this may do harm, but rather fiddle and roll them for increased stimulation. A woman with flat or inverted nipples can stimulate them to protrude by wearing small cups or shells over the nipples under her bra during the day.

It was March 1987 and I was finally going to find out what I knew about raising babies. I had been a registered nurse for six years and a midwife for two years and had experience working with families in remote areas of Australia. I felt I must have gained some knowledge about babies that would help. With the elation of impending birth and trepidation of the responsibility of a child looming, I anxiously awaited for the show to appear, the contractions to start, or the waters to break. I was ready to meet our firstborn face to face. However, several speed-boat rides, long walks, intercourse, castor oil, and hot curries led me to believe that despite our best endeavours, babies will come when they are good and ready. At 8:30 p.m. our baby boy arrived safely, all covered in blood and vernix. Luckily, I knew about the extent of blood at a birth, otherwise I would have been a bit freaked out.

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My Professional View

Vernix

Vernix is a soft white cheesy substance formed from sloughed-off dead cells. It covers the body of a foetus and, providing babies are not overdue or significantly premature, will be present at birth. It is a natural moisturizer and, depending on where the birth takes place, staff may want to wash this vernix off or be happy for it to soak in. Parents are free to make the decision on what they would like to do.

What a truly amazing moment to meet a new life created by us, face-to-face for the first time and to hear his cry and to know he is a brand new human being so wonderfully made and entrusted in our care! We had gained the title of parents, and at that moment, a surge of unexplainable emotion caught me by surprise as I pondered the overwhelming responsibility. That thought really meant: was I ready?

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My Professional View

First breath and cry

Some babies will instantly take a breath and cry out at birth, others will breathe and not cry, while others don’t breathe or cry, and attending staff will need to help them. Either a brisk rub down using a towel or administering some oxygen therapy is usually all that is needed.

I wanted to reach out and hold my baby as soon as possible. I needed to let him know that I was his mum, and he was going to be cared for. Like all parents, Michael and I had carefully mulled over and picked out the very best name in the world for our new son, Ben Douglas.

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My Professional View

Baby names

Consider it an honour to be given the responsibility of choosing a name for an individual to carry for a lifetime. It needs to stand the test of teenage mocking, the ease with which to write it in kindergarten, to be cute as a toddler but be strong enough to carry wisdom as an adult. Here are a few thoughts based on parents’ personal experiences after a name had already been chosen for their baby:

Personality

Baby’s names do not make them who they are; their personality has a lot to do with it. Have a few options to consider and don’t feel rushed into naming your baby. You have at least thirty to sixty days to register the name with the government registry office in your state.

Associations

Babies’ names will usually be with them for life. Choosing names that are associated with negative memories of past relationships can cause unnecessary ill feelings towards an innocent child. During a child’s life, there will be enough negative thoughts towards them, without bringing in unnecessary ones. This can be a tough decision for parents who work with children.

Learning to write—self-esteem

Be mindful of not choosing a name that is too long or has a lot of curvy letters in it (g, u, c, o, s). When children start learning to write, it can be difficult to get the curves going in the right direction! Growing up has enough frustrations to cope with; therefore, minimise them when you can.

Will they be unique or the odd one out?

It is nice to have a unique and unusual name, but children may be answering constant questions like:

How do you spell that? Is that your real name? Oh, that’s different! Where did your parents get your name from?

Constantly hearing these questions can be a positive association if they have the personality to cope with being different or a negative one if they have a sensitive nature wanting to conform to and feel part of a group.

Keeping it quiet

Avoid telling a baby’s chosen name to friends and family before the birth as