No Regrets Parenting: Turning Long Days and Short Years into Cherished Moments with Your Kids

By Harley A. Rotbart

“A busy parent’s time management guide, demonstrating how to find balance . . . and transform everyday routines into special times.” —Publishers Weekly
 
No Regrets Parenting focuses on the simple truth that the long days of busy parenting race quickly by and, looking back someday, the years with kids will feel far too short. Written by renowned pediatrician and distinguished parenting expert, Dr. Harley Rotbart, No Regrets Parenting teaches parents how to experience the joy of raising kids amidst the chaos of daily routines. Carpool, bedtime, bath time, soccer practice, homework, dinner hour, and sleepovers all become more than just hurdles to overcome. They become opportunities for intimate and meaningful time with kids— opportunities to turn fleeting minutes into memorable moments.
 
With up to date content addressing the needs of today’s busy families as well as two brand new sections –one on parenting adult children and another on grandparenting--this updated and expanded edition answers the ageless question: How can you do it all…and stay sane in the process?
 
“No Regrets Parenting is something special, and something a little different. Dr. Rothbart writes to help us turn painfully long minutes into funny moments. . . . It’s more about being a parent than it is about actually parenting the kids themselves.” —New York Times
 
“A gem of a book.” —Harvey Karp, MD, creator of the New York Times bestselling books and DVDs The Happiest Baby on the Block and The Happiest Toddler on the Block
 
“Working parent or stay-at-home mom or dad, Dr. Rotbart’s wise advice and refreshing ideas will make you want to pick up this book again and again.” —Parents magazine

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Feb 21, 2012
• ISBN: 9781524874551

Book preview

PRAISE FOR THE FIRST EDITION

This is a busy parent’s time management guide, demonstrating how to find balance, turn ‘minutes into moments,’ develop reliable parental intuition, and transform everyday routines into special times, without neglecting personal and professional responsibilities . . . Time passes all too fast, and when the kids do leave home, readers who followed Rotbart’s blueprint will greet their children’s departure with satisfaction of a job well done and the acknowledgment thereof.

—Publisher’s Weekly

"My office is littered with parenting books . . . The books, as abundant as they are, aren’t helping. But Dr. Rotbart’s No Regrets Parenting is something special, and something a little different . . . Dr. Rotbart writes to help us turn painfully long minutes into funny moments, and he does it practically, in one- or two-page essays on everything from ice cream sundaes to college counseling. It’s short, it’s sweet, and it’s more about being a parent than it is about actually parenting the kids themselves . . ."

—New York Times

"The tone and approach of Rotbart’s book puts the control back in the parent’s hands, by focusing on the time a parent does have with children, instead of focusing on the time that the parent doesn’t have. His conversational tone helps put the parent at ease in what feels like a knowledgeable friend sharing their own insight."

—ABC News

"I’m making a point of holding hands with my kids more often, ever since I read Dr. Harley Rotbart’s new book No Regrets Parenting. Dr. Rotbart . . . really had my number with this one . . . I’ve seen how the years blow past at warp speed, to the point that I fear my hand-holding days are numbered. Dr. Rotbart made me realize I shouldn’t count the minutes, but the moments . . . Dr. Rotbart’s book turned my head around."

—Parents magazine

Named to 10 Best Books for Thinking Parents

—Parenting magazine

"What’s more precious than love, your children, and time? No Regrets Parenting is a gem of a book. It will help you turn the minutes of the day into the moments of your life."

—Harvey Karp, MD, creator of the New York Times bestselling books and DVDs The Happiest Baby on the Block and The Happiest Toddler on the Block.

Words to live by . . . Dr. Rotbart’s advice proves useful for any parent looking to maximize and optimize time with their children . . . From the crib to college life, this guidebook helps with each step of parenting. When you feel exhausted by the daily parenting routine and suddenly notice the years flying by, this book can help.

—MomCentral

Working parent or stay-at-home mom or dad, Dr. Rotbart’s wise advice and refreshing ideas will make you want to pick up this book again and again.

—Diane Debrovner, Deputy Editor, Parents magazine

"Whether your children are still in their cribs or applying to college, No Regrets Parenting provides a blueprint for turning mundane, daily routines into memorable and meaningful moments."

—Marianne Neifert, MD (Dr. Mom®), bestselling author of the Dr. Mom books for parents

A poignant, timely book to remind us to savor parenting our kids—with awesome tips on how to slow the daily chaos, create memorable moments, and luxuriate in the wonder and fun of each age and stage.

—Stacy DeBroff, America’s Most Trusted Mom, nationally acclaimed parenting authority and bestselling author of The Mom Book, The Mom Book Goes to School, and The Mom Central Organizer

A must-read for young parents who are struggling with finding the right balance between career and family.

—Stephen Berman, MD, F.A.A.P., Past President, American Academy of Pediatrics

From school to work, home to play, Dr. Rotbart helps families find meaning and traditions in the midst of busy lives.

—Dr. Jeffrey J. Cain, MD, Past President, American Academy of Family Physicians

"No Regrets Parenting is a wonderfully written handbook for parents living in our complex times. Based on straightforward principles of managing parental time, this book presents a comprehensive, easy-to-follow treasure trove of ideas and strategies to help parents raise happy and successful children."

—Donald Schiff, MD, F.A.A.P., Past President, American Academy of Pediatrics, and author of A Guide to Your Child’s Symptoms

"No Regrets Parenting encourages parents to be mindful of the choices they are making with the precious little time they have to spend with their children. It presents an upbeat and refreshing perspective which empowers parents to examine, without guilt, the choices they make about the time spent with their children. The book is neither preachy nor prescriptive, but instead presents a menu of creative strategies for turning scarce minutes in to special moments. Dr. Rotbart’s book, a must-read for any parent, will leave your head buzzing with ideas. The short chapters enable you to read a few at a time—in between pajama walks, movie nights, and carpool driving—that will forge a lifelong bond between you and your children."

—Heather Taussig, PhD, Professor of Social Work, University of Denver; Adjunct Professor, Kempe Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse and Neglect, University of Colorado

Other Books by Dr. Rotbart

No Regrets Living

Miracles We Have Seen

940 Saturdays

Germ Proof Your Kids

The On Deck Circle of Life

Human Enterovirus Infections

Dedication

To my wife, Sara, for making the special moments with our kids even more special.

To our parents for showing us how, to our kids for showing us why, and to our grandkids for giving us another chance to get it right.

From generation to generation.

"Life is a sum of

all your choices."

—Albert Camus

French author and philosopher

1913–1960

"We’ve had bad luck

with our kids—

they’ve all grown up."

—Christopher Morley

American novelist and poet

1890–1957

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction—Long Days, Short Years

part 1 No Regrets Parenting: Basic Principles

The Checkered History of Parenting Advice

940 Saturdays and the Other Biological Clock

The Developmental Milestones of Parenthood

3D Parenting

Guilt and Worries

Milestone Madness

The Four Independence Days of Childhood

Your Legacy

The Villagers

What Do Your Kids Need from You?

Your Report Card

A New Type of Quality Time

Subliminal Togetherness

One-on-One, Zone Defense, and Can I Bring a Friend?

Best Friend or Parent?

Designer Children—Nature vs. Nurture

Brain Buttons

Traditions

The Parenting Meditation

Listening

Staying Sane

Money

Beware Becoming the Potpourri Parent

part 2 No Regrets Parenting: simple strategies

Calendars

Their Week at a Glance

Major Holidays

Half-Birthdays and Minor Holidays

Momentous Moments

Weekends

Sleep

Pajama Walks

The La-La Song

Story Time

Sleepless Sleepovers

While They Were Sleeping

School

Homework Helper

Science Fair and Super Homework

Book Club

Room Parents and School Volunteers

Back-to-School Nights and Teacher Conferences

Parent–Teacher–Student Teamwork

College (and Career) Counseling

Work

A Corner (of Your) Office

Business Trips and Career Days

Making Lemonade—Their Office (and Allowances)

Handymen, Handywomen, Handy Kids

Home

Kitchen (and Laundry) Duty

Come into My Office

Grease Monkeys and Yard Hands

The Parent Pet Trap

Food

The Daily Dinner Meeting

After-School Attention (with Snacks)

Tomorrow’s Lunch Tonight

The Corner Diner

Taco Night

Ice Cream Sundaes, Hot Cocoa, and Popcorn

Food Fights

Getting There

The Fly on the Dashboard

School Bus Magic

Road Trip

Vacation Bribery

Unplugged

Sleepaway Camp Runamok

Walk, Don’t Run (and Don’t Drive)

Driver’s Ed

Entertainment

Family Movie Night

Singing and Dancing with the Stars

TV (and Other Screen) Guide

Family University

High School Musical (and High School Football)

The Library (or Bookstore)

Play

Personal Trainer and Coach

Other Pastimes

Hobby Sharing

Video Games—When in Rome

Online Creativity

Toy Story and Game Theory

Outdoors

Just a Walk in the Park (or Zoo)

Hooked at the Hip

Geese and Sunsets—Wowwww, Dad!

Communication

Shareholder Meetings

Photographic Memory

Speaking Their Language

Let Ur Fingers Do the Talking

Social Media

Long-Distance Connections

Spirit and Soul

Charity Starts in the Home

Keep the Faith

part 3 No Regrets Parenting: Your adult children

A Quick Review

The Developmental Milestones of Young Adulthood

Growing Up with Your Children

Preparation for Launch

Participation—Staying Close with Your Adult Kids

Boundaries

The Canopy. Really

The Happy Couple

Congratulations!

part 4 No Regrets Grandparenting

Preface for Parents: Helping Your Parents Transition to Being Grandparents

Congratulations, Again! You’re a Grandparent!

Boundaries, Again!

Activities

Epilogue—My Favorite Letter

About the Author

Acknowledgments

My deep gratitude goes to the parents and kids I’ve had the good fortune to work with as a pediatrician over the past forty years; they have provided me with a front-row seat from which to observe best-parenting practices. And to my colleagues—devoted pediatricians, family practitioners, psychologists, social workers, and nurses—my sincere appreciation for your role-modeling and inspiration. Thanks to Diane Debrovner at Parents magazine, for opening doors for me. This is the fifth book my literary agent, Lisa Leshne (The Leshne Agency), has represented for me, and I treasure our partnership and friendship; our first book together was the first edition of No Regrets Parenting back in 2012. I’m grateful to Samantha Jones, Jean Lucas, Kirsty Melville, and the editorial board at Andrews McMeel, for finding enough relevance in my writing to invite this second edition. Thanks also to the rest of the Andrews McMeel Publishing team for their skill and professionalism. Special thanks to my social media consultants, Emily, Samantha, and Nurit.

Finally, I am grateful to the dozens of my fellow grandparents* who submitted their favorite activities with their 127 grandchildren and 4 great-grandchildren for Part 4 of this book.

* Susie and Mark Barter; Jackie and Howard Bellowe; Wendy and Jim Berenbaum; Kathy and Jerry Berenstein; Krista and Mark Boscoe; Jayne and Ted Brandt; Myndie Brown and Dan Woodrow; Dina and Larry Caroline; Helayne and Jerry Cohen; Dee and Steve Daniels; Janice and Larry Fagen; Anath and Ian Gardenswartz; Erica Gardner and Larry Gray; Lea and Steve Gross; Marlane and Harvey Guttmann; Linda Heider; Dick Heider; Pia and Fred Hirsch; Adrian and Kevin Kalikow; Mari and Jack Kimel; Marcie and Phil Munishor; Eileen and John Ogle; Karen and Don Polakoff; Rachel and Nathan Rabinovitch; Laurie and Neil Segall; Bobbie and Gary Siegel; Janet and Rick Taylor; Laurie and Bill Webber; Elise Farfel Wolf and Dennis Wolf; Cindy and Mike Wolfe

Introduction—

Long Days, Short Years

The nightly news hasn’t even started, but you’re too exhausted to watch; who can stay awake that late?! Car pools, lunch bags, after-school activities, dinner, homework, bath time, bedtime. All on top of your own job (or jobs!) and the other realities of adulthood. You have just enough energy left to drag yourself to bed so you can wake early and start the routine all over again. Each day with young kids feels like a week, each week like a month.

But, as every new birthday passes, childhood seems to be streaking by at warp speed—five-month-olds become five-year-olds in the blink of an eye, and then fifteen-year-olds. The colorful mobiles hanging from their cribs morph into tricycles, which morph into driving permits.

And then, poof, they’re gone.

Sunrise, sunset.

How can we possibly be working so hard to get through each crazy, chaotic day with our kids and yet have the years fly by so quickly? Everyone knows it, everyone bemoans it, yet no one seems to know how to slow down the years while cramming twenty-five hours into every day.

WHAT IS THIS BOOK?

I don’t claim to know how to slow down time, either. But I do have some ideas about how to maximize and optimize the time you spend with your kids—while they are still tucked into their bedrooms where you can peek in on them each night before you go to sleep. This is not a book about protecting your adult priorities or nurturing your relationship with your spouse or partner, per se. There are plenty of those books, and lots of advice out there about how to look out for your needs while still getting the kids to soccer practice on time. Rather, this is a book about how to prioritize your kids’ needs within your adult schedules, and how to stretch and enhance the time you spend with your kids. And if you are able to manage those juggling acts, you’ll discover something remarkable: you will be more successful in protecting adult time for yourself and your spouse or partner, and you’ll feel less guilty doing it. More importantly, you’ll be able to look back and take pride in knowing that you squeezed every moment and memory out of your kids’ childhoods and that your kids’ memories of you are vivid and loving. This is the original, one and only No Regrets Parenting guide, updated and expanded for today’s generation of young parents. You can’t do it over again, at least with these same kids, so let’s do it right the first time.

And included this time around, by popular demand, are ideas for No Regrets Grandparenting. Why? Because since publication of the first edition of No Regrets Parenting, hundreds of grandparents have written to me (www.HarleyRotbart.com ). Some have asked for advice on parenting their adult kids and in-law kids, and for those ideas, this edition of the book contains a new section called "No Regrets Parenting Your Adult Children (Part 3). Other grandparents have complained about how their adult kids are raising their own kids and told me they’ve used the book as a tactful" way of telling their kids to make better use of their time with their young kids; and still others have asked for help entertaining their grandkids on visits, especially when feeling less energy for playing than they had the first time around. Well, Part 4 of this book is for all of those grandparents, and the Preface to Part 4 has some suggestions for you to help your parents adjust to grandparenthood.

This is a how-to manual for time management with kids, from crib through canopy and beyond. It will help you navigate the mundane, exhausting routines of parenthood, and show you how to transform those routines into special parenting events. It’s all about redefining quality time, and that means understanding the important difference between minutes and moments.

THE FOUR CORNERS OF OUR HOUSE

With the release of the first edition of No Regrets Parenting, inter-viewers, readers of the book, and attendees at my seminars asked how the No Regrets Parenting concept developed. I answer by describing our house. It’s a simple two-story with four bedrooms upstairs, one at each corner of the rectangle-shape footprint. My wife and I are in one corner bedroom, and the other three corners are the kids’ rooms, one room per kid. But except for a few holiday weeks each year, the three kids’ corner rooms are now empty—our kids have formed their own families, living their adult lives, visiting when their busy schedules allow. We walk by the kids’ rooms dozens of times each day. The walls in the hallway between the bedrooms are filled with pictures of our kids at every stage of their growth and development, crib to canopy. Just like your homes, I’m sure.

Yet, as nostalgic as we are for the days when our corners were full and we could kiss our kids after story time and before bedtime every night, we are blessed by having no regrets about the amount or quality of time we spent with our kids when they were little. We were there, with them, and we made the most of the time we spent with them. We can’t get the days with our young children back, but even if we could, we probably wouldn’t do it any differently—which feels wonderful. That’s the feeling of having no regrets.

WHO ARE YOU?

Before diving into No Regrets Parenting, you should answer one important question about yourself: Who are you?

I’m not asking who you want people to think you are, or who your parents want you to be. I’m not asking who you want to be when you grow up—as much as you may want to deny it, once you have your own kids, you are officially grown up.

Who are you? Answer honestly, because if you pretend to be someone you’re not, you’re going to catch up with yourself and be disappointed. To help you identify yourself, I’ve divided you into seven basic components, which I’m going to ask you to rank in order of importance. But first, here are a few definitions to use in the upcoming exercise: being a breadwinner means earning a living for yourself and your family; as a child yourself, you may see satisfying your parents’ goals for you as an important priority and/or you may have increasing responsibilities for the care of your elderly parents; friend, for the purposes of this exercise, does not extend to your spouse or partner, who gets a separate category; your non-work passion qualifies you as a hobbyist—in the garden, on the tennis court or hiking trail, scrapbooking, writing poetry, playing the piano, painting; a professional is usually also a breadwinner, but many professionals see themselves and their work as more than simply earning a living; being a parent or a spouse/partner has obvious meaning.

Now, as a way of determining how you see yourself, rank those seven elements of you, with the highest priority on top, lowest priority on the bottom. I know many of you are all of these people at some time in your life, perhaps even at the same time in your life. But what is their order of importance to you?

Breadwinner

Child

Friend

Hobbyist

Parent

Professional

Spouse/Partner

If in your most honest self-assessment you ranked parent as number one, or second only to spouse/partner, you will find yourself at ease reading this book and you will embrace the ideas for turning scarce minutes into special moments with your kids. If, on the other hand, parent ranked lower than one or two on your list, No Regrets Parenting may initially make you feel a bit uneasy but, I hope, will motivate you to reconsider your priorities.

The intent of the advice in this book is to give you a practical and purposeful blueprint for squeezing every possible precious moment with your kids out of your hectic and harried life. If anything other than spouse/partner topped parent on the list, you are not a bad person or even an atypical person—for many, parenting is important, but not most important. But if you have other priorities that are higher than your kids, some of my suggestions may at first ring hollow—and may even feel oppressive—because they ask you to rethink how you manage other aspects of your life. If, however, you remain open to new ideas, you will find important reasons and strategies in this book to elevate the role that parenting plays in your life and leave you with no regrets when walking past their empty bedrooms someday.

You may argue that being a professional first