In this episode we talk with Iris Chen about her new book, Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent.
Iris admits to being a parent who engaged in "yelling, spanking, and threatening with unreasonable consequences" - but far from becoming a well-behaved, obedient child, her son fought back. The harder she punished, the more he resisted. Their home became a battleground of endless power struggles, uncontrollable tantrums, and constant frustration.
But Iris didn't know what else to do: she had learned this over-controlling style from her own parents: watching TV without permission, talking back to her father, and having a boyfriend before college were simply out of the question when she was growing up.
In her parents' eyes, they had done all the right things: Iris got good grades, graduated from an elite university, and married another successful Chinese-American.
But through interacting with her son, Iris realized that all of these achievements had come at a great cost: a cost that her son was trying to show her through his resistance. Eventually Iris saw that her son's behavior wasn't the problem; he was simply reacting to her attempts to control him, and that it was her own approach that needed to change.
Now Iris is well along her own Untigering path: basing her relationship with her children on finding win-win solutions to problems, being flexible, and respecting each other's boundaries.
As I do too, Iris sees this path as a journey toward creating a society where everyone belongs.
If you see yourself in Iris' descriptions of her early days as a parent, and especially if you find yourself routinely overreacting to your child's age-appropriate behavior, I invite you to join my Taming Your Triggers workshop, which will help you to understand the true source of your triggered feelings (hint: it isn't your child's behavior!), feel triggered less often, and respond more effectively to your child on the fewer occasions when it does still happen.
Click here to learn more about https://www.yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers (Taming Your Triggers)
 
Jump to highlights:
(01:34) Children’s dilemma between being seen/heard and being accepted
(02:50) The trauma we pass on to our children
(04:04) How to tame your triggers
(04:59) Confidence in parenting that gives parents a sense of calm
(06:39) Iris as a Deconstructing Tiger Parent
(08:13) “I thought my responsibility as a parent was to push harder when my child resisted”
(09:26) “I saw in my children a freedom to express their resentment in ways that I was never free to”
(11:05) The walls that are created between parent and child because children’s authentic selves are not accepted
(11:24) Our parents have their own traumas as well
(13:18) The Idea of Untigering
(14:19) Permissive parenting
(16:06) Viewing children as full human beings
(18:43) Adultism and Childism
(20:05) Is respect something a child needs to earn from their parents?
(21:26) Redefining our ideas for success as parents
(27:29) Navigating the needs that drive behavior
(31:30) Chinese somatization
(33:57) The internalization of injustice and suffering
(36:50) Holding space for one another and the greater community
(41:19) The cascading effect of changing the way we relate to our children
 
Books and Resources:
https://www.amazon.com/Untigering-Peaceful-Parenting-Deconstructing-Parent-ebook/dp/B08QG3C9F3 (Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent)
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 (The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma)
 
Links:
https://yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers/ (Taming Your Triggers Workshop)
https://www.upbringing.co/ (Upbringing Podcast)
http://untigering.com (Untigering Website)
 
Join the YPM Facebook Community
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2174808219425589 (Your Parenting Mojo Facebook Group)