Minding Miss Manners: In an Era of Fake Etiquette

By Judith Martin

The etiquette expert and “authentic comic genius” guides us through the Age of Incivility (Chris Buckley, New York Times-bestselling author of Has Anyone Seen My Toes?).
 
We seem to be entering a new era, liberated from oppressive, old-fashioned rules of etiquette. We’re finally free! Free to shout insults at strangers on the street! Free to pressure people to give us money! Free to use all sorts of offensive language!
 
In this book, New York Times-bestselling author Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, reminds us that living in an etiquette-free paradise is not all it’s cracked up to be. In wise, witty commentary and responses to letters, she addresses vexing problems in the workplace, at the wedding, on the web, and beyond, in hopes of saving civilization.
 
But fear not, Gentle Reader—she also allows us some important exceptions. For example, despite the rampant oversharing that social media has encouraged, you can politely refuse to answer nosy questions.  And you are decidedly not obliged to respond to every inane post; stay on the phone with a telemarketer; or hug your colleagues.
 
“An extremely useful philosopher . . . I consult her frequently, in order to behave better.” —Daniel Handler in TheNew York Times

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Jun 9, 2020
• ISBN: 9781524862770

Book preview

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Minding Miss Manners® copyright © 2020 by Judith Martin. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

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Introduction

We are a freedom-loving people. Even the terminally ladylike Miss Manners is fond of having her own way, as you may have noticed. And now we have achieved the etiquette-free society of our dreams.

Well, of your dreams; not hers.

It’s right there on the Internet, where you can almost always get away with saying anything, no matter the consequences to other people. And it is creeping into real life. You must have observed a certain lack of civility in the society.

This is not entirely new. It is some decades since the enlightened child-rearing technique, or lack of one, has consisted of Just be yourself, and don’t care what other people think. The intention may be to say, Stand up for what you know is right, even in the face of disapproval. But it comes across as Do what suits you and never mind how it affects anyone else.

A philosophically inclined child may wonder exactly how self is defined, let alone discovered. A sly one might consider this an endorsement of selfishness. And none of them falls for the idea of being indifferent to being liked by other children. Not one.

Nevertheless, here we are, with a society largely populated by people who are just being themselves, unfiltered by the extra-legal system of voluntary restraint to avoid antagonizing others unnecessarily: a system known as etiquette.

So why isn’t everyone happy? Why is this not a haven of goodwill? After all, you are:

Free to tell off people whom you don’t like.

Free to shout insults at strangers in the street.

Free to air socially disapproved opinions.

Free to use socially disapproved words.

Free to pressure people to give you money.

And we patriotic Americans should defend your legal right to do so. But must you?

You see, there is a catch. It is that those objectionable other people are equally free to make life miserable for you and anyone else. A new era of freedom to be loutish, pushy, vicious, and hateful is upon us.

So why isn’t everyone happy?

That an etiquette-free society would be a joyous, or even livable, one must be the biggest social hoax since it was declared that America’s basic problem was sexual puritanism, and if all were freely acting on their desires, everyone would be happy, and there would be no more sex crimes. We are now forced to see how that has played out.

Rather, you should think of the necessity to refrain from antagonizing others as a sort of Civility Tax. No one likes to pay taxes, but reasonable people know that they must in order to support the common good. It’s called civilization.

Are you willing to trade:

Not using foul language for not having your children use it about you?

Committing to answering invitations and appearing or not appearing as promised for knowing how many people will attend your events?

Not telling people how stupid their opinions are for not hearing how stupid they think yours are?

Thinking before you tweet for not having to apologize afterward?

Waiting your turn for not having people push ahead of you?

Not insulting other people’s heritages for their not insulting yours?

Not begging from others for not having them always dunning you?

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—Why are we always looking for polite ways to address someone else’s impoliteness? Why must we feel guilty about offending the offender? Why do we walk on eggshells and agonize over how to approach a person who is completely out of line in how they may have treated, talked to, or behaved in any given situation?

After all, it is not my fault that the person has behaved like a total ass.

Gentle Reader—And you admire that person so much that you want to act the same way?

Miss Manners will attempt to make politeness more palatable by offering a few exemptions. She is not going to let you off from sending letters of thanks, answering invitations, and refraining from telling people your honestly demeaning opinion of them. But—you don’t have to:

Hug your colleagues.

Help cater your friends’ dinner parties.

Allow your guests to dictate the menu.

Answer nosy questions.

Subsidize luxuries for the solvent.

Buy presents for your boss.

Stay on the telephone with telemarketers.

Continue to give presents to people who don’t acknowledge them.

Have a ring to be engaged.

Give or attend multiple bridal or baby showers.

Give a series of presents to the same couple who are having a series of parties.

Go into debt for a lavish wedding.

Throw a party for someone who asked you to do so.

Buy things you don’t want because your friends or their children are selling them.

Respond to everyone’s inane or vainglorious postings.

Put teaspoons on the table unless you are serving tea.

One

Sources of Misinformation

When Miss Manners assumed the quixotic task of civilizing society, fake etiquette was not a problem. That was because etiquette itself was not supposed to be a part of modern society. The prevailing thought was that we would all love one another, which would be achieved by hugging everything in sight, consenting or not, and voicing everything, presentable or not, that might be on our little minds and souls.

This was not working. So she put forth a radically different system by which we would all restrain ourselves just enough to keep life from being unpleasant.

No one could have been more surprised than Miss Manners when people started listening. Not necessarily behaving better, mind you, but at least listening. And soon etiquette and its public manifestation, civility, became part of the national conversation. Politicians won elections by calling for it, although not by practicing it, because that was considered a sign of weakness.

Miss Manners began to sniff success. Prematurely, as it turned out. Legitimate etiquette rules were still being neglected while people were actually obeying false rules. What had happened was that persistent forms of rude behavior—such as trying to squeeze money out of one’s social circle—were fraudulently passed off as traditions and enshrined as expected. (Well, you can expect anything.) Industries cashed in by claiming that etiquette requires expenditures that are apt to be both useless and vulgar. Some taught bad manners, making it a requirement to shout Hey! to get a device’s attention, and to give it orders without the softening addition of please and thank you.

Who is responsible for purveying this fake etiquette? (Not Miss Manners.)

From a Jolly Source

Santa Claus has a lot to answer for. If it was oh-so-cute to encourage little children to tell him their material wishes within the hearing of their parents, it is not so cute that solvent adults have now eliminated him as the middleman and beg from everyone they can reach.

Santa’s chief employer, the department store, had been keeping track of bridal couples’ silver and china patterns for the benefit of their guests who happened to ask. Stores, online and off, now have vast gift registries, but technology has also inspired everybody who wants anything without paying for it, for whatever reason or occasion, to distribute itemized wish lists to relatives, friends, guests, colleagues, acquaintances, and strangers.

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—My best friend emailed this Christmas wish list on behalf of her 12-year-old daughter to her friends (no family members):

Greetings all: Zoe has asked me to email you her Christmas list. We’re going to my parents’/grandmother’s for Christmas, so if you need the address to ship anything there, please let me know.

The list included a particular laptop, TV & DVD player, money/credit gift card, certain video games, a new bike (she outgrew her old one), gift cards (naming stores), a tablet, and so on. Then, Look forward to talking to you all soon.

Am I wrong for feeling accosted? I wouldn’t have minded a wish list that was actually reasonable, but my friend constantly makes remarks like, You don’t have any children, so you should have plenty of disposable income.

Gentle Reader—Once you acknowledged that you wouldn’t have minded a modest list, Miss Manners notes that you have conceded that this family can help you dispose of your disposable income. So you are just haggling over the price.

If such is the case, you need only ask your friend for other suggestions, in the hope that a cheaper one will slip in. But if you were as appalled as Miss Manners is at helping a child beg, the best rebuke would be to ignore the e-mail.

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—Is it possible to discourage or redirect adult relatives away from the practice of making Christmas lists? I have tried and failed— so far.

My husband and I are lucky enough to be able to buy everything we need and much of what we want. My relatives are in similarly good financial condition. However, they exert a great deal of pressure on us to produce Christmas lists, which suggests that they can’t be bothered coming up with something to put under the tree.

It’s depressing—are we really such strangers to each other? I would be happy to forego gifts altogether, but that option was not popular with my family. It’s not really the end of the world to take a chance on someone even if the present later ends up being regifted or sent to charity, is it?

Gentle Reader—Like you, Miss Manners has tried and—so far—pretty much failed to discourage people from trashing the ancient custom of exchanging presents and substituting the exchange of shopping lists.

What (she keeps asking) is the point? The choice of presents is supposed to produce that warm feeling of knowing that someone else has noticed you and considered how to please you. When that element of thoughtfulness is eliminated, what is left?

Of course she knows that the real answer is: getting stuff one wants and having other people pay for it. But as a rough reciprocity is required, no one should come out ahead.

Some solve this by making charitable donations in one another’s names, but that, too, is something people should choose and do themselves, not to mention for which they should get the tax credits.

Until we succeed in making people understand the value and meaning of giving presents, Miss Manners suggests that you nudge your relatives toward a minimal amount of thoughtfulness by putting A book or movie that you think I might enjoy.

From Sidewalk Therapists

Popular psychology, with its varying theories of healthy and rewarding behavior, has strongly influenced social conventions. Having abandoned its belief in dignity, privacy, and cautious steps toward achieving intimacy, it now mandates an indiscriminate show of affection.

Even the Victorian cult of sincerity, which a century later morphed into a ruthless requirement for honesty, including when it might unnecessarily crush the feelings of others, has yielded to the notion that we must put on a phony show of fondness for strangers.

Miss Manners has watched the hug become increasingly separated from the emotion that is supposed to prompt it. The bizarre notion that hugging should inspire affectionate goodwill, rather than express it, was promulgated in the 1960s, perhaps not unrelated to chemical and erotic stimuli.

But then, in the inevitable yearning for respectability, it took on moral overtones. Promiscuous hugging was credited with demonstrating benevolence—a general love and acceptance of humanity. And it was touted as therapy—uninvited touching being an end in itself, it would bring comfort to the forlorn, no matter who administered it.

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—My boyfriend and I went to the shoe store to return a pair of shoes that were too small. He was a little nervous about it. It went well, and he was able to get them in a larger size.

As we left, he thanked the saleswoman and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I’m thinking this is inappropriate. Am I wrong? I know he was just trying to be gracious.

Gentle Reader—Let us suppose that it had been your unaccompanied father exchanging shoes, and then expressing his satisfaction with the transaction by kissing the saleswoman. Would you even be asking this question?

Miss Manners is guessing that you would be too occupied trying to explain to the police that this was only his way of saying Thank you. Perhaps if it were being handled by a female police officer, he could have expressed his thanks to her as well.

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—With sexual harassment in the workplace getting so much attention these days, imagine how much happier we would all be if hugging were not permitted among coworkers.

I am so tired of having my space invaded and feeling obligated to accept a hug. My skill at giving a light pat on the back or shoulder with minimal frontal touching is improving. However, a handshake can be equally affirming of one’s appreciation of another and is so civilized!

Gentle Reader—When embracing is condoned as ordinary—even desirable—behavior, abuse becomes easy. Miss Manners was shocked to read, in a discussion of harassment, a prominent feminist saying of a colleague that she hates it when that dude hugs me—and, then, when a no touching at work rule was proposed, responding, I think that’s crazy, and talking about how she always hugs her coworkers.

What if some dude hates it when she hugs him?

Miss Manners agrees with you that the handshake is quite cordial enough for most situations, which would free the hug to mean something warmer and consensual. Meanwhile, she also recommends performing a slight wave in front of your face, accompanied by a regretful smile. The assumption will be that you have something catching, but so be it.

When embracing is condoned as ordinary—even desirable—behavior, abuse becomes easy.

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—At a party, a woman I know fairly well came up behind me and ran her fingers up and down my back in a scratching sort of way. I asked her to please stop, that I did not like it. Her response was I know you don’t like to be touched; that’s why I do it.

I am at a loss as to how I could have responded. Am I doomed to be hugged and be pawed by people I would be comfortable touching with only a handshake?

Gentle Reader—As your acquaintance considers that annoying people is amusing, Miss Manners hopes that she will enjoy your giving a piercing scream the minute she touches you and shouting, What are you doing?

From Meanies

Some false pronouncements come from people who seem to be as mean-spirited as they are uninformed. Sometimes they make up rules that would penalize others and give themselves advantages. But often they have nothing to gain except the satisfaction of offering discomfort.

Birth, divorce, and death especially inspire them. Widows—but not widowers—are besieged by supposed sympathizers, who may be bearing casseroles but can hardly wait to tell them that they must remove their wedding rings, and that if they have been using the traditional form of address, Mrs. Horace Ryder, they must now be known as Mrs. Marybeth Ryder (an always-incorrect form most usually applied to divorcées).

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—My boyfriend of five years plus has an ex-wife, who took back his last name. She had left him for another man after eighteen years and re-married soon after their divorce. Now she is divorced again and I found it interesting that she took back her first husband’s name and did not revert back to her maiden name. What is your thought on this matter?

Gentle Reader—First thought: Surely the lady can call herself what she likes.

But as you asked Miss Manners to think it over, her guess is that this is the surname this lady had longest in her adult life, perhaps shared with any children of that marriage, perhaps used in her work. What’s it to you?

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—Most of our friends and acquaintances, married or not, have now embarked on the task of producing children. This means I am invited to multitudes of baby showers, sometimes more than one for each baby.

I disapprove of baby showers for two reasons: First, we are in a global resource crisis and people, especially Americans, should have fewer children, and second, showers encourage wasteful consumerism, when the mother can easily obtain hand-me-downs for her rapidly growing child.

I am also alarmed at the shocking number of otherwise intelligent people who, despite this being the first world with various forms of birth control widely available, still have unplanned pregnancies, and make no secret of this fact.

For these reasons and others, I am generally not thrilled when my friends become pregnant. I love my friends, but once they have kids, they fall off the face of the earth. It makes me sad to lose my friends and watch them throw away their promising careers and lives to enter the black hole of babydom (which, despite common arguments to the contrary, almost all do).

Given this, it seems inappropriate for me to attend baby showers. My friends are all familiar with my views on reproduction. I am happy to help my friends in other ways; come over and do the household chores for a day, for instance. But is there a polite way to decline to attend a good friend’s shower?

But is there a polite way to decline to attend a good friend’s shower?

Gentle Reader—Yes, certainly. It is: Thank you so much for the invitation, but I will not be able to attend.

Miss Manners notices that being familiar with your views did not deter your friends from having children, so you needn’t feel neglectful about refraining from repeating them after the fact.

• • •

Dear Miss Manners—Now that my pregnancy is showing, many women will greet me with short congratulations and then launch into frightening stories.

Normally, I try to say, "Pardon me for interrupting, but I’m afraid you have me confused