Celebrating a Life: Planning Memorial Services and Other Creative Remembrances

By Faith Moore and Letitia Baldrige

A guide of alternatives to traditional funerals, commemorating lost loved ones in a meaningful, personal way.
 
Today, many people are forgoing the trappings and timeworn rituals of typical funerals, and are instead opting to celebrate their loved ones’ lives. With careful planning, services like these can truly honor the person who has died—and both comfort and uplift those who attend.
 
Celebrating a Life offers sensitive guidance on every detail—venue, food and drink, music, flowers, eulogy, program, mementoes—all with the aim of making sure the memorial service’s honoree is remembered just as he or she would have wished. Checklists and an extensive resource directory provide much-needed help to those who have very little time to make arrangements. As author Faith Moore says, this book is not about regrets, but about reimagining how we say good-bye.
 
“In a caring, practical, and authoritative way, Faith Moore tackles a very difficult topic. Her direct and warm advice is a fabulous resource. This book is a must-read for anyone who will face the inevitability of honoring and celebrating the life of a deceased love one.” —Peggy Post, director of the Emily Post Institute and author of Emily Post’s Etiquette, 17th Edition

• Language: English
• Publisher: ABRAMS
• Release date: Dec 1, 2011
• ISBN: 9781613123553

Book preview

For my brother Johnny, who inspired this book.

CONTENTS

Foreword

1  Redefine  Why Settle for Less Than Extraordinary?

2  Brainstorm  Three Questions for Creative Planning

3  Organize  Getting Started

4  Creativity  Personalizing Your Celebration

5  Venue  Finding the Right Place

6  Storytelling  Putting Memories Into Words

7  Readings  Passages and Poetry

8  Song  Music That Matters

9  Symbolism  The Significance of Symbols

10  Inspiration  Tradition

11  Legacy  Second Chances

12  Gather  Seven Surreptitious Ways to Plan

Helpful Resources

Acknowledgments

Index

FOREWORD

There is so much inappropriate handling of death in today’s world; it is a subject that yearned to be addressed. And this thoughtful guide does a thorough job of just that.

We’ve grown accustomed to creative new ways of celebrating marriage. Funky graduation fêtes, nontraditional baptismal rites, and outrageously glittery sweet sixteen parties are now the norm. Logically, there has been a growing desire, as well as a need, for new customs involving all of them, but with the rite of death in particular. So many of us lose any semblance of our cool when confronting someone’s passage to the other side. We don’t know what to say to the spouse or what actions to take to express our love and support for the family. We want to honor our loved one’s memory, but perhaps all the options that immediately come to mind seem too cliché. How do you handle the rude creatures who are pressing for details of the deceased’s estate? Do you serve food during this sad time, and if so, what, when, and to whom? There seem to be a million questions arising around the final act of someone’s leaving us. And Faith Moore answers a good many of them in the following pages.

As a writer on manners, it’s easy for me to urge that all the players follow the established social rules in all the rituals of life. But many people today take great delight in breaking them. Of course, to that I say, Fine, but what do you advise as substitute behavior? At least know the customary protocol before straying from it.

Moore takes a fresh approach on the whole subject—walking us through the planning process, delving into the historical and sociological importance of the way we do funerals in America today, and offering some good, solid advice on the roles that family, friends, and associates should play in giving the deceased the proper send-off. Yes, a memorial service can be looked upon as a celebration. Doing it properly, in my mind, is like mastering a great recipe. What is needed are first-class ingredients, loving care, and a healthy measure of heart.

— Letitia Baldrige

1 Redefine

Why Settle for Less Than Extraordinary?

When the curtain opened, a central spotlight shone brightly on a sparkling pair of silver sneakers, resting alone on the stark seat of a wooden chair. More than a thousand of the fashion industry’s most prominent figures had gathered in Carnegie Hall, not for a show, but to remember and honor Kal Ruttenstein, one of the industry’s most respected designers. His star rose when he introduced the world to rhinestone-studded jeans; his talent endured throughout his life. Everyone there recognized Kal’s silver sneakers, a poignant reminder of the one person who could ever fill them. Their meaning was not lost on the audience. More than a fashion statement, they were a symbol of how people were paying attention to more than just the words spoken at the memorial service. They proved that the simplest touches could create an indelible memory.

Symbolism can take many forms. At another memorial service, in a town fifty miles south of San Diego, a woman by the name of Andrea stood in front of a much smaller gathering to celebrate the memory of her father. There were no celebrities in the audience; her father, while well known in town, was a man of modest means who chose to work with his hands, first as a builder then later as a handyman. Everyone recognized the oversized leather flight jacket Andrea was wearing. On chilly days her father was never without it. The jacket—like the silver shoes—was a touching reminder of the World War II veteran.

Not so long ago these simple symbols, chosen as a way of honoring a departed loved one, would have been considered in poor taste and out of place. A favorite daughter would have worn black, not her father’s care-worn flight jacket. There was a proper way of doing things. But when the baby boomers came of age and began getting married, they started doing things their way. They began placing more emphasis on making weddings meaningful for themselves and their friends, and less on appeasing the wishes of their families. The youth of that generation rejected the traditions that meant nothing to them and kept the traditions they liked. They found different places to get married: by the sea, on a mountaintop, in a field, on a boat, on a tropical island, in a castle. The destination wedding became commonplace. People started dressing in ways that reflected their personalities, whether that meant going barefoot, sporting Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts, or wearing a silk gown in a favorite shade of blue. Even black, once a symbol of disrespect, is now an acceptable color to wear to a wedding.

Reinventing wedding traditions was just the beginning. Soon after, a party culture evolved, raising the bar for extravagance for celebrations such as birthdays, graduations, and Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. It makes sense, then, that another important event—the funeral, or memorial service—would start to be treated in the same way. So, as three-quarters of a million baby boomers and the generations that follow are thrust, often for the first time, into planning memorial services, they are also reimagining how to say good-bye to the ones they love.

WHY THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR CHANGE

A party culture is one that is always looking to set a celebratory tone; for a memorial service this means being more inclined to focus on the positive aspects of a person’s life rather than a public, prolonged mourning. Yet it is still important to acknowledge this life milestone, grieve as a community, and, even more importantly, lay a person to rest with respect, grace, and honor. More and more people no longer wish to leave the details and decision-making to someone else. They prefer to take control and do things their way. This has led to what can be called the My Way Memorial Movement.

The many new ways people are choosing to remember loved ones demonstrate that the systems currently in place are insufficient. Even the euphemisms used to talk about those who have died—passed, passed on, passed away, deceased, expired (the correct medical term), gone to a better place, crossed over—seem inadequate. There is a stigma attached to the term dead. In conversation we rarely say the person who died or the dead person because it sounds too harsh. A memorial service is a time to remember a person in their best light. It is for this reason that throughout this book I will refer to the person who has died as the honoree.

More people are taking the term paying your respects to heart and electing to have memorial services that acknowledge a person’s life instead of focusing so intently on their death. In addition to having a more celebratory culture there are several other reasons for the trend. Memorial services are inherently open to a wider community of friends and acquaintances, often including people who come solely to support a grieving friend. And secondly, more people are choosing cremation or, even if opting for a traditional burial, deciding to hold a memorial ceremony without the body present, making it much easier to celebrate than grieve.

EXPLORING YOUR OPTIONS

According to recent reports from the National Center for Health Statistics, approximately 2.5 million people die per year in the United States, creating a funeral industry in the range of $13 billion. When people found they needed more support planning weddings, the wedding planner industry was born. In much the same way, the funeral industry is also experiencing a boom as people consider all the possible ways to hold a memorial service. You will find that providers in the industry are very aware of the trend toward personalization and are prepared and willing to work with you to help create the perfect event.

Just over sixteen percent of all people in the United States have no religious affiliation. There are many more who simply do not wish for a standard funeral service, which is often conducted by someone who does not know their family. Without the support of a religious institution, most people turn to the funeral industry to help with burial arrangements and an accompanying funeral or memorial service. While these services are respectful, they can also feel like a formality, a ritualistic way to say good-bye. There is little, if any, attention given to the small, personal touches that make a gathering special. The rituals performed are grounded in years of tradition, a sharp contrast to the celebratory nature of today’s society.

As a growing number of people look for an alternative, a new industry is emerging. Secular celebrants are becoming an integral part of the funeral business. Although their main role is presiding over a service in place of a religious officiant, they are also an invaluable resource for funeral directors wanting to provide a more tailored experience for their clients.

Regardless of who leads you through the planning process or presides over the ceremony, a memorial service, first and foremost, should glorify the life of the honoree. People need the opportunity to grieve together, release their feelings, and recognize the value of the lives lived by those they love. For many, attending a celebration of life will feel more comforting and therapeutic than a traditional funeral.

WHY PLANS GO WRONG AND WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

A common reaction of people faced with the task of planning a service, regardless of whether it is a simple family funeral or a large-scale memorial service, is to call on an outside source for help. In many ways this decision can be a good one, easing the burden of making arrangements in a time of grief. However, it can also lead to the loss of control over the planning, leading to an event swept in an unintended direction.

Edna died in her nineties, at home, surrounded by family. They had time to say good-bye and prepare for her death emotionally. But when she died, Edna’s children arranged to hold her memorial service within the week. They called the Episcopalian church she had attended for many years and agreed upon a date and time. Yet when they met with the minister to discuss the service, they were unprepared for their reception. Rather than a sympathetic consoling figure, an overwrought, impatient man greeted them. There were too many weddings, too many christenings, too many funerals—far more work than what he had been led to believe when he agreed to fill in for a pastor on leave. The minister told the family exactly what the service would be: just the minimal funeral and no eulogy. They could not believe what they were hearing. This unanticipated response was so outlandish it was almost laughable. But the family had already placed the notice and had to move forward with the service they were handed.

While this is an extreme example of how a bereaved family can lose control of a memorial service, there are more subtle ways things can go wrong when plans are made under duress. Often there are extenuating circumstances, such as trying to make arrangements quickly or from a long distance, that contribute to the difficulty of establishing a meaningful ceremony. On the other hand, some people are too upset to make any decisions and are perfectly willing to hand the task over to someone else. Only later, when reflecting upon what happened, do they realize what might have been.

This book is not about regrets, but rather