A Layperson’s Guide to Conducting Funerals and Celebrations of Life

By John Zehring

If you have been asked or if you would like to volunteer to conduct a funeral or a celebration of the person’s life, this guide is for you and will help you prepare to meet with the family and prepare and coordinate the service. It is written from the perspective of a Christian pastor but provides guidance for a range of secular and sacred services. Included are sample outlines for a service, guidance for how to prepare your personal remarks, and sample introductions, prayers, readings, poems, scriptures, and benedictions. In the guide you will find tips and suggestions for how to conduct a service which is warm, deeply personal, responsive to the family’s desires, and fitting to the one being remembered and celebrated.

For funerals, you need no permit, license, or permission at all, other than an invitation by someone who would like you to be the one to conduct the ceremony. There are no restrictions for conducting a funeral or celebration of life. So why would a layperson conduct a funeral? Perhaps a clergy leader is not available. Maybe you are church leader or on the staff of a church and know the family well. Or, a person may have no religious affiliation but the family would like to have a service of celebration or remembrance and have asked you to officiate. Perhaps the family situation is complicated and it was felt that you could provide the right leadership for a service. Or, maybe an informal service is desired by the sea, atop a mountain, in the forest, or at some other location, where the family desires you to coordinate the time together. There are many reasons why you have been selected and if that happens, you need this guide to help you to produce a meaningful and fitting service. The book is especially valuable for church leaders, deacons, and church staff who may be invited to conduct funerals or celebrations of a person’s life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: John Zehring
• Release date: Dec 3, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005037420

John Zehring

John Zehring has served United Church of Christ congregations as Senior Pastor in Massachusetts (Andover), Rhode Island (Kingston), and Maine (Augusta) and as an Interim Pastor in Massachusetts (Arlington, Harvard). Prior to parish ministry, he served in higher education, primarily in development and institutional advancement. He worked as a dean of students, director of career planning and placement, adjunct professor of public speaking and as a vice president at a seminary and at a college. He is the author of more than sixty books and is a regular writer for The Christian Citizen, an American Baptist social justice publication. He has taught Public Speaking, Creative Writing, Educational Psychology and Church Administration. John was the founding editor of the publication Seminary Development News, a publication for seminary presidents, vice presidents and trustees (published by the Association of Theological Schools, funded by a grant from Lilly Endowment). He graduated from Eastern University and holds graduate degrees from Princeton Theological Seminary, Rider University, and the Earlham School of Religion. He is listed in Marquis' WHO'S WHO IN AMERICA and is a recipient of their Albert Nelson Marquis Lifetime Achievement Award. John and his wife Donna live in two places, in central Massachusetts and by the sea in Maine.

Book preview

Introduction

Why would a layperson officiate at a funeral? Is not that the domain of the clergy? Or at least the undertaker?

Anyone is permitted to conduct a funeral or a celebration of life. For that matter, in many states, anyone is permitted to officiate at a wedding. You need not be a member of the clergy, a judge, a notary public, a ship captain, or any other office holder. Many states provide a one-day marriage permit or designation, which is a procedure to allow a friend or family member to perform a wedding ceremony. For funerals, you need no permit or permission at all, other than the invitation by someone who would like you to be the one to conduct the ceremony. There are no restrictions for conducting a funeral or celebration of life. I once mentioned this to an older retired clergyman who was dismayed that yet another prerogative of the clergy fell by the wayside, perhaps denying him a privilege he once enjoyed because of his profession. And yet, there are many reasons why a layperson might be asked to officiate at a funeral or celebration of life:

The clergy leader may not be available and so you were asked to fill in as a leader, staff member, or member of the congregation.

A church may be without a pastor and the family would prefer to have someone they know.

A person may not have any religious affiliation but the family would like to have a service of celebration or remembrance.

The person was spiritual but not religious and preferred to have his or her service outside of a religious organization

The Covid-19 Pandemic created a situation where an indoor church service could not be held and the family would like you to oversee an outdoor celebration.

The family situation is complicated and it was felt that you would provide the right leadership for a service.

The church requires that only the settled pastor can officiate, which for some reason is not satisfactory to the family, so they turn to you instead.

An informal service is desired by the sea, atop a mountain, in the forest, or some other location, where the family desires you to coordinate the time together.

And so, if you have been asked or if you would like to volunteer to conduct a funeral or a celebration of the person’s life, this guide is for you. It presumes you do not have experience, although likely you have the skills to coordinate such an activity. It might be highly sacred, secular, or somewhere in between, so not all guidance in this book fits every situation.

I write from the perspective of a Christian pastor who has conducted hundreds of services and celebrations, and will provide religious and spiritual resources like prayers or scripture readings, but will try not impose my theological leanings upon you and I will also hope that many suggestions will fit a non-religious service as well.

Notes about this book

Scriptures used in this work come from the New Revised Standard Version, unless otherwise noted.

I have attempted to use inclusive language wherever possible in the words I have written, although I have not altered the author’s reference to God as he. I recognize that the Divine has no gender and for many it may be just as appropriate and accurate to acknowledge God as Mother or Father. Whichever pronoun is used, consider God as a loving parent.

Some of this work is adapted from other books I have written. My website can be found by searching online for John Zehring books.

As you engage A Layperson’s Guide to Conducting Funerals and Celebrations of Life, I think you will find conducting such a service to be one of the most meaningful highpoints of your life. But do it not for yourself. You do it for the one who has died, and for his or her beloved family members and friends. That is a true giving of yourself.

John Zehring

When the call comes

It is likely the call will come unexpectedly, since death usually comes in such a way. But also, you may be surprised and caught off-guard if you are the one asked to conduct the service, insofar as this is not a usual request. Pastors get the call all the time, but it is a rare occurrence for a layperson. When the call comes, you have five immediate goals:

First, respond to their needs and their request. You may be curious about why they have called you, and perhaps hesitant because you may not know how you will proceed. Once you are satisfied that it makes sense for you to be the one to conduct the service, and have the confidence to agree, your immediate focus turns to them and to their needs. Begin by expressing your condolences at hearing their news and express your sorrow at receiving their sad news. Listen twice as much as you talk. Allow moments of silence and do not feel obligated to fill every pause. Sense how they are feeling, but avoid saying You must feel… or I know how you feel...

Second, build or strengthen your relationship with them. Become comfortable with each other by conversing and getting to know more about them and perhaps sharing a bit about yourself, sharing people, places, or interests that you hold in common. When you take the time at the