Can Your "Most Embarrassing Moment" Top This? A 4th of July--to Forget!

By Vic Latrine

There they sat in stunned silence, jaws dropped, staring at me!

 

It was a new group meeting consisting of international couples who had just recently come to the United States. I'd say there were about twenty folks in all. To break the ice for everyone to get to know each other a little better, the leader suggested, "Let's begin by sharing your most embarrassing moment." Chuckles, smirks and soft laughter filled the comfortable home atmosphere.

 

The first brave guy started and recounted his story as people giggled and laughed throughout. "Now, that wasn't so bad," seemed to be what the guests were feeling as they became more comfortable. The next lady began her tale, turning red with embarrassment, which made her story even more funny! In succession, person after person shared a memory from days past, each proudly smiling at the end as the new friends joined in their laughter. Then, lastly, it was my turn.

 

Like the rest, I shared my most embarrassing moment.

 

When finished, no one laughed; rather, they stared at me in stunned silence, seeming a little embarrassed themselves! After some noticeably awkward silence, the leader cleared his throat and continued, "Umm,…okay…quite a colorful embarrassing moment indeed! Umm…moving on . . ."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Vic Latrine
• Release date: Mar 16, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201030346

Vic Latrine

During my 30 year career I was a chemist, environmental scientist, consultant, and technical writer.  In my spare time I worked on projects in aquaculture, hydroponics, aquaponics, bioremediation, and renewable energy.  In addition, I have also been an adjunct professor at two local colleges teaching Biology and Business Math. Now I am retired and writing this from an island in South East Asia where I live.  My lovely wife has been with me for forty-eight years and we have four awesome adult children who are spread around the globe. Vic Latrine  (Not my real name--for the sake of my wife.)

Book preview

The Fourth of July Story 

Lying face down in the grass, I moaned, mumbled to myself, twitched and groaned, and listened to people comment as they walked by me. Poor old drunk, just look at him! That man must have a sad, sad, life.  Well, I wasn’t old, and I wasn’t drunk, and I wasn’t sad—I was EMBARRASSED like I have never been embarrassed before in my life!!  I was waiting for the people to pass me so I could discretely make my exit.  But my day to remember had started off like any other regular day.

Actually, the real problem started five days before, thanks to my dear old Uncle Dick.  He knew how much I l-o-v-e-d the egg custard my Aunt Ora made, so he scooped some out in a small glass dessert bowl and set it up on the window ledge by the dining room table.  There the egg custard glistened in the warm July sun, and by the second day, a little family of diarrhea-inducing microbes decided to move into the vast unpopulated world of the egg custard.

They liked their new home so much that they decided to invite the relatives and those relatives’ relatives who started having kids, grandkids, and great grandkids.  By the fifth day, the 4th of July, there was a whole metropolis of diarrhea-inducing microbes having the time of their little lives living in the wonderful land of Egg Custard.

My wife and I and our four young kids were invited to Uncle Dick and Aunt Ora’s house for a 4th of July lunch.  Later on, we were planning to meet up with relatives that were driving in from New York to go watch the fireworks that evening from the parking lot of a local hospital.

Aunt Ora was a GREAT cook, and we ate, and ate, until we were all so stuffed we could hardly walk.  And in my case in particular, I was taking a day off from my diet, so I really went for the gusto, and chowed down big time—at 290 pounds, I could hold a lot of food! When we felt we couldn’t hold another bite, out came the desserts!!  Uncle Dick turns to me and says, Vic, I know how much you love egg custard, so I saved you some, as he handed me the little bowl of egg custard from the window ledge.  Not knowing it had been sitting in the sun for five days, I gave him a heartfelt thanks as I scooped in a mouthful.

Istopped and stared for a moment at Uncle Dick with the spoon still in my mouth—my taste buds were stunned and in shock, not expecting what they encountered....slimy something that tasted really nasty!!  It struck me that I was eating curdled chunks of sweetened vomit!!!  But I didn’t want to hurt Uncle Dick’s feelings, and it was such a small bowl of egg custard, so I just downed it.....and the whole metropolis of microbes.  Scraping my bowl clean, I smiled at Uncle Dick and thanked him for being so thoughtful.

We were all so stuffed with Aunt Ora’s cooking that everyone headed for chairs, couches, lawn chairs, the floor, or anywhere to take a nap and sleep off the food load.  It all felt more like a Thanksgiving dinner than a lunch.  But that was the way with Aunt Ora; when she cooked, she cooked like she was feeding an army—no one was ever going to leave her house hungry!!  A few hours later, my wife called her sister to see how their trip was going and found out they had gotten hung up in New York in traffic and would be getting in a little later than planned, so instead of them meeting us at our house, my wife gave them directions to the hospital for the fireworks.

After everyone had come out of their food stupor, nibbled on some leftovers and a few more desserts, we chatted for a while, thanked Uncle Dick and Aunt Ora for the great lunch and, again, my Uncle Dick for saving me the yummy egg custard.  We drove to the hospital parking lot and found a good viewing location at the far end of the parking lot by a field of tall grass.  Spreading out our fuzzy yellow blanket on the ground, my wife and I and our four kids settled in to wait for the fireworks.  We hoped our relatives would make it in time to enjoy them with us.

Soon it was dusk, and we were probably fifteen minutes or so away from the show.  The kids were excited, my wife was relaxing, and I was starting to feel weird with the odd feeling centered in my stomach.  I wasn’t excited, I wasn’t relaxing, I was worried!  A bit later, a rumble starts, and I have a rolling feeling moving through my stomach.  I thought to myself, Whoa!!  I better get to a bathroom!!  Another stomach roll hit with a cramp thrown in, and I broke out into a sweat, knowing I gotta get to a bathroom FAST!!!  Looking back over my shoulder at the