The Joke's on Me

By James Babcock

Name a genre of funny stuff and there’s a sample here of every length and description—all original: Puns, Quips, Riddles, Limericks, Aphorisms, Daffynitions, Spoonerisms, Paraprosdokians, Humorous satires, Shaggy dog stories, and an introduction borrowed from Bob Hope.
It’s a thin volume, but how much space do you need to get off a one-liner?
It’s like a fine box of chocolates, so don’t gobble them all at once. Chew them over and swallow (or spit them out, if you wish), but draw out your feast with draughts of fine wine so the splitting of your sides will seem less painful.

• Language: English
• Publisher: James Babcock
• Release date: Feb 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9780463230879

James Babcock

Following three years in the Navy and forty years in international and domestic banking, Babcock took up a second career as a writer and composer. His plots draw on his travels abroad and experiences in foreign exchange trading, bank operations, lending, trust services, auditing, and bank management. Active in community work, he served as a university rector, symphony president, and chairman of economic development organizations. He holds degrees from Princeton and the Wharton School. In addition to his novels and short stories, his creative work includes books of humor and games and a number of pieces for violin and piano. He resides with his family in Blacksburg, Virginia.

Book preview

The Joke's on Me

Help yourself,

for any occasion

James Babcock

Copyright 2022 by Carolyn B. Torres

All rights reserved

This book in its entirety is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission of the author. Part I essays may be used with attribution. All other items may be used individually without attribution.

Table of Stuff and Nonsense

Dedication

Part I How to Do Stuff

1 How to Give a Small Dog a Bath

2 How to Write Art Criticism

3 More on Writing Art Criticism

4 How to Write a Scientific Peer Review

5 How to Report All the News, Fit or Not

6 How to Create Television Commercials

7 How to Write Well and Speak Good

8 How to Write Tactful Student Evaluations

9 How to Spruce Up Your Novel

Part II Word Play & Whimsy

10 Free Translations

11 Puns

12 Daffynitions

13 Typos

14 The Orthography of English: A Minefield

15 English: A Certain Lack of Clarity

16 Poesy

Part IIIShaggy Dogs

17 How to Craft a Shaggy Dog Story…

18 Horse Feathers

19 Our Maid

20 Nuts to You

Part IV Wisecracks & Witticisms

21 Paraprosdokians

22 Spoonerisms

23 Riddles

24 Aphorisms

25 Quips

a One Liners

b Two Liners

c Three Liners

d Conversations

Part VLimericks

26 Limericks

a Of the past

b. Of courtship

c Of marriage

d Of old age

e Of the foreign

f Of others

27 Coda

28 About the Author

29 More Books by James Babcock

30 Appendix

Dedication

I cheerily dedicate this little book of humor to the memory of

Leslie Townes Hope

The funniest standup comic of all time.

You know him as Bob Hope. A truly beloved entertainer. I simply cannot pass by the opportunity to offer some of his marvelous one-liners here. With these he purports to describe his 100 years of fun-filled life. And as you will see, he was at his best when he

made fun of himself, not others.

ON TURNING 70 - I still chase women, but only downhill.

ON TURNING 80 - That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

ON TURNING 90 - You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

ON TURNING 100 - I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

ON GOLF - Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.

ON PRESIDENTS - I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

ON GOING TO HEAVEN - I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Bob, thanks for the warmup. Now we’re ready for the rest of the show!

Part I How to Do Stuff

1How to Give a Small Dog a Bath

If you’ve never owned a small dog, you may imagine that giving your sweetie a loving bath is as much fun as you and your Mom and your rubber ducky used to have when you were a baby. Far from it. Your dog is not your baby. Most important, he knows that.

The first question is: Tub or sink? That depends on just how small your small dog is. You may find that your bath-room tub is necessary, though that will mean getting down on your knees on the hard tiled floor. However, getting into the tub with your dog is not a good idea either. He will think you want to play. Good luck.

Thus if your dog is small enough, you will want to use the kitchen sink so that you can stand up while holding him down.

Actually, let’s back up. Before getting anywhere near the water, there is preparatory work to be done.

If your puppy has long hair, I suggest that you comb