Shame & Anger

By Denzel Marufu

Shame and Anger follows Aruh, a Zimbabwean adolescent who has so long been so accustomed to worldly goodness that he makes it his mission to fill the balance in his life by finding evil. Nothing is too heinous for this lad, who seeks the most vile humanity can offer in the form of theft, sensuality and utter godlessness. His adventures take him to all corners of Bulawayo but fail to tear him from the turmoil that lies within himself. This proves to be his ruin for all it takes is one look in the mirror for him to see a darkness that is unmatched by anything he sought elsewhere.

The second book, of a similar kind, is the first part of the work “Redeemer Death” which follows the lives of several characters, headlined by the complexity of a wicked man whose life is so intertwined with the good and evil in the city of Bulawayo that his presence is inescapable. The reader should see for themself which side the man tilts towards. One’s answer will reveal a great deal about them.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Dec 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781669803898

Denzel Marufu

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Copyright © 2022 by Denzel Marufu.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 12/27/2021

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CONTENTS

Chapter 1   Confessions

Chapter 2   Decent Men In Strange Circumstances

Chapter 3   An Unfortunate Occurrence

Chapter 4   Sensitive Souls

Chapter 5   A Terrible Memory

Chapter 6   Ivan’s Dilemma

Chapter 7   The Time Has Come

Chapter 8   Songs Of The Guilty

Chapter 9   Revelations

Book 2

Redeemer Death pt.1

Chapter 1   Poor Boys

Chapter 2   Bethlehemic Chronicles

Chapter 3   A Wicked Figure

Chapter 4   Amber

Chapter 5   An Upsetting Discovery

When you are dreary, and praying to extinguish the thorns that are prickling you so, remember that the man bred from smooth stalk desires nothing else but for at least one thorn to pierce his flesh.

CHAPTER 1

Confessions

17/02/21

I REMEMBER READING SOMEWHERE, I forgot where, that sensualism is founded on the teachings of Christianity; however, this cannot possibly be true for I have indulged, and indulged again but I am no closer to Christ than I am to man. Sometimes the sunlight pays me an unwelcome visit and sits dully on my desk, revealing stains of dried wine and hairs of residue from another world. I would enjoy the sunlight if it did not evoke others to invade my space, for I value my little corner immensely. It is not made of much and the wooden floor creaks an awful lot but at least I can move freely on it instead of having to restrict myself to cater to the whims of fools and demons - I am sure that there are more demons here than there are in Hell. I often wonder if others harbour the same sentiments as I do but are, perhaps, more clever at deception. I usually simply dismiss this thought as others cannot possibly be as wicked as I. In my youth I was enveloped by shame which governed any interactions I had with others. In me lived truly rotten feelings, and only out of respect for my parents did I clean up my act. This is where my dishonesty began. I took pleasure in dishonesty and would measure the mark of a person by their ability to not only spot my little lies but, in turn, have the mental aptitude to lie and follow through with their ways. I find that lying is something of an intellectual game for it requires a strong memory of the lie, an intuitive ability to anticipate the response of the recipient of the lie as well as decent creativity to spin an even larger web of lies once someone is on to you. This was my way of discovering who the honest people were, for how can one lie without knowing the truth? Following this logic, I wonder if the base of human behaviour is formed from the foundation of evil. Didn’t Dante show us that only one who has burned in the Inferno can be overwhelmed by the beauty of Salvation? If my logic is correct then modern man has a problem on his hands.

I must stop rambling, I am much more unfocused now than I used to be. My thoughts simply whisk me away but I sometimes enjoy the ride because I am on the way to the Gates of Enlightenment. I can see it now; pastures fresh, the sky sparkling accompanied by the jubilant voice of a hopeful creature, fulfilling its purpose in beautifying the earth. Yes, a man like me still revels in beauty above all because I am still just a person. You see, people can only live satisfactorily when they have subjected themselves to that which is beautiful and powerful enough to beautify all of mankind - I call it The Ultimate Beauty (or just Beauty). Thus, man acts to bring forth his fellow people as close as he can to the Ultimate Beauty in the hope that he will be rewarded for his service through his own beautification. This is evident in all that man does; but what determines a legitimate Ultimate Beauty? This depends on the extent to which the Beauty is unobtainable enough to provide a challenge for those trying to reach it. In this, man knows how far he is from it but its sheer magnificence is enough to make him seek it relentlessly. This constant pursuit of the Ultimate Beauty, therefore, enriches the soul. However, in modern times, people have to wrestle with ample false Beauties which aim to unite mankind under the promise of their beautification but only insofar as man appears - not in his soul. Because of this, our souls are starved but our bodies are full. Naturally, we become ashamed of the emptiness of our souls and aim to deprecate the body in an attempt to restore some balance to the equation yet we are in a rut for we are so far removed from the Ultimate Beauty, in this state, that we do not even know what it is, and we do not know what to strive wholeheartedly towards. It is no surprise that this condition leaves modern people to contend with artificial emotional relations with each other. In order to love your fellow man, one must understand their obligation in the beautification process of the soul as ordained by the true Ultimate Beauty if he is to be satisfied enough with himself to spare some effort for others.

Bloody hell! I am rambling again but I do believe my words to be true. This all leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth since I am declaring that man is inherently unattractive or perhaps the churchgoers might say sinful for why would one aim to be beautiful if he was not already hideous? A simple glimpse at today’s individual shows a kind of hyper-awareness about his ugliness which is at the heart of what I call the Age of Anxiety. We are so consumed by this awareness that we aim to make others more aware of their hideousness to console ourselves. I find that this is common for those who have no idea of what their Ultimate Beauty is in the first place. I must admit that I am at a bit of a crossroad and know not which way to follow. Think of it as a stop sign at an obscene time of the night - nobody is watching but ignoring it may still be to your detriment. Anyway, despite my understanding of the need for beauty and the hideous nature of man, I have been left rather shortchanged at the lack of atrocities that I have seen first hand since people’s shame outways their destructive passions these days. Gone are the times of unrestrained intimacy during which silence expressed more than words ever could. It was like a diamond in the ground but now we have dug it up and flaunted it so much that it has lost its value. We are in times in which every natural instinct must be modified by us - this is our will to power. The powerless man must always make his presence felt as if somehow time eludes only him alone.

I do take some pride in my rotteness but I must admit that it has done me some harm. I am an isolated being, free from the influence of others. This enables me to view all the aspects I want to view. Like an eagle on the hunt; I am ruthless. I particularly enjoy disturbing the comfort of lovers - O how selfish they are! So overwhelmed by traits which they lack that they must go off and find solace in someone who not only consoles them for their shortcomings but also gives them these desired traits. It is a mutual exchange and I am not afraid to let them know it! It is easy to see why a genuine love includes a great deal of hatred for your companion. It is as if to say How dare you get a glimpse into my soul? Curse myself for being so weak as to allow a mortal to have such power over me! but, you see, this relinquishing of power is all part of the plan. A true companion is the closest thing to Ultimate Beauty. Again, I believe this to be true but I despise the way modern man has lost modesty in the way he displays this truth. He simply throws the word love about here, there, and everywhere without him knowing anything about its golden rose petals; but don’t forget about the thorns on its stalk. I have had the displeasure of being pricked by these thorns and my blood tinted the rose petals that I presented to her: my Devilish Angel. She enjoyed the rose a great deal but neglected my wound as if the rose was all she ever wanted; completely forgetting the hand that clinically plucked off each thorn on the stalk. Perhaps I should have left the stalk on the rosehead so she could have shared my torture and we could have nursed each other in body and in spirit. Maybe then, she would have seen me but alas she did not. Truth be told, I am extremely ashamed that I wanted to be seen to such an extent - how pitiful. Pity is one of the worst human impulses. Worse still; pity which prompts action is perhaps the most destructive of all impulses in man. As far as I am concerned, I have never known an individual of any significant worth who has achieved their success without battling an internal storm. They simply fight the treacherous tide and steer the ship, with even greater skill than ever. Eventually clear seas become an even greater surprise to them than the storm. They even miss the chaos greatly. Imagine if these people were pitied on their road to success. They would have become complacent and lacked the necessary hunger to rise above the ashes. In every successful person there is an element of revenge in them, Who are you to doubt a person of my ability?, they ask, I’ll show you! they conclude and proceed to get down to business. I find that one’s ability is dependent on a sort of balance between proving their talents to themselves and to others. Focusing on the latter only makes one succeed in accordance with public opinion, hence when they have solidified their status as a talent, they lose the desire to go shoot for the stars - as this journey is a lonely one indeed. Once backlash resurfaces, they contend with listing their prior achievements, but constant reminders soon become tedious - variety is always important. Thankfully, their downfalls are often cushioned by the fact that their work tends not to transcend space and time - they can afford to live in the moment - unlike the truly special talents.

Haven’t you noticed what happens to the superb ones? There is a time when they burst onto the scene with a thud that reverberates across the earth and rattles the competition. Nothing like them has been seen before, and the crowd treats them with polite pleasantries at first (like how you would treat a guest) until they realise that this individual is actually quite a Special Talent and is here to stay. The Talent is labelled as unique, then revolutionary, then, after consistent output, great. During this period, he is met with extreme praise and extreme scrutiny. However, it soon becomes rather ill-mannered to criticise him once the crowd accept that he is, indeed, outstanding. By then he would be encroaching legendary status, and is the talk of the town, then the country, and then the world! He is the benchmark now. All the competition is nudged aside as they lose themselves in pursuit of the Special Talent. It even shows in their work. Envy lies in between each line of their output for they know that they fall short. Meanwhile the Special Talent is in his own stratosphere; in competition with himself alone. This brings out the best in him