Hungry To Be Me: A Quest To Be My Own Hero

By Julie Gauthier

As a self-professed recovery advocate, Ms. Gauthier vulnerably takes her reader through the brutal process of conquering her decades-long battle with eating disorders-this memoir is extraordinarily honest and real. Her imagery of a white horse continuously escaping a pack of wolves determined to eat her as prey is nothing short of brilliant. Alo

• Language: English
• Publisher: Julie Gauthier
• Release date: Nov 24, 2021
• ISBN: 9781777939717

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Hungry to Belong

Journal Entry

October 10, 2019

I just meditated for a little more than 20 minutes. My brain could not shut down. I’m greatly overwhelmed. I have so much to do with so little time to do it all. I don’t know where to start. When I am nervous and anxious to that extent, I freeze without being able to get anything done. I find myself numbing by either scrolling away on social media or shutting it all down by sleeping 15 hours a day. Mind you, I am exhausted. But when my mind gets this busy, I can’t seem to handle stress very well, and I always end up here, in this state of chaos.

I’m so confused. I feel my stomach growling so early at the beginning of the day, and I’m at a loss of what to do. My body image struggles are off the charts while I debate if I should eat or not. Physically, I am hungry, but my eating disorder’s mind tells me I shouldn’t get anything to eat if I want to reach what I think are my ideal body weight and shape goals. I know what the right thing to do is, but at the same time, I can’t seem to agree with myself. I delay the inevitable and wonder if I should resort to having a coffee first. I have been obsessed with coffee for the past week. Is it because I know I have to abstain from caffeine for seven weeks from the time I enter treatment? I’ve already been told that I won’t be able to have as much coffee when I’m hospitalized. I am currently trying to limit my intake because, with everything else I will be going through, the torture of withdrawing from caffeine is the last thing I need. Maybe I am sensing a loss of control and feeling paralyzed because I am actually taking control of my life by going to treatment, but I won’t be able to control what happens once I am there. I think this is what scares me, along with my eating disorders. And yet, I am excited to leave for treatment soon. My mind goes back to the coffee—the less I want to think about it, the more it takes over my thoughts. It’s been one of my best friends for so