A Masters Degree In Stupid

By Margaret Johnson

A Master’s Degree in Stupid, living off grid, mistakes and sage wisdom is a humorous true tale of the mistakes people make living off grid or attempting to. The stories in the book are mostly personal observations that the author has seen in the past ten years. It is filled with advice and tales of what not to do and some what to do instructions. No names are disclosed nor location so if you see yourself in these pages, it is probably because you made the same mistakes. It is intended as a guide of what not to do and how not to do it and to give you some giggles along the way. If your idea of bugging out has you headed for the woods, you might want to read this book first, have a laugh and make the best decision you can.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Margaret Johnson
• Release date: Nov 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005635602

Margaret Johnson

Margaret was born and raised in rural Tioga County in upstate NY, where she lived until the late 80s. Since then she has lived all over the southeast, southwest and a few months in southern England. She lives now in the Ozark Mountains of Arkansas, off grid and way off the beaten path. Drawing on her experiences of life and the study of people she started writing years ago, her work published in a variety of periodicals and books. The books here on Smashwords are her first e-books.

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A MASTERS DEGREE IN STUPID

Copyright 2021 Margaret L. Johnson

Published by Margaret L. Johnson at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

PROLOGUE

Stupid off Grid

Disclaimer

I am not politically correct, so if your offended or triggered by words you probably will not want to read this. I make fun of people, not because of any physical attribute, but because they do stupid stuff. If you think that being polite is the only way to talk to be people, I will tell you now, that being polite all the time can kill you. If a truck is barreling toward someone you don’t say please sir would you please move hell no you scream MOVE. I guess that is what I am about to try to doing here. Giving you examples of stupid so that you won’t make the same mistakes. It is my way of screaming move your dumb ass; you are about to get run over by a truck. If you’re looking for instructions, look elsewhere. There will be some sage advice but this is not a book in the for dummies series. This is a book of the stupid stuff I have seen personally done and some of which I have done myself. There are a few stories here that I got second hand from a source that I believe whole heartedly but for the most part, it was experienced firsthand.

Lesson number one is that there is no such thing as common sense when it comes to stupid. You are not born with common sense. Common sense is not an instinct; it is learned. It is learned from life experience and or paying attention to instruction, from learning and being knowledgeable. You have to think things through and then act, not act and suffer the consequences. Often It is learned at the school of hard knocks, by mistakes and doing stupid stuff. I am sure that you have heard the adage that common sense is not common. I believe that most people see stuff happen and flush the lesson learned. They saw the mistake, laughed a little at someone else’s misfortune, and totally miss the lesson they could have learned. I honestly believe there somewhere, someone was watching a video on their phone of someone walking into a pole while watching their phone, and walked into a pole or tree or whatever themselves. I will give you some ideas and suggestions that may help, tell little tales and spin some ideas around which I hope will give you a giggle. Generally, I hope that you may learn from the mistake’s others have made and hopefully keep you entertained as you read. The sage wisdom contained here is from my personal experience, or from paying attention to words of wisdom from people I have trusted. No, I haven’t seen everything nor learned as much as I should have but I am more than willing to share that experience with you. I am not here to brow beat you like a drill Sargent in basic training, you will either learn or forget. It may stick like flies to fly paper or blow away like dandelion fluff in the wind. If you and I were hanging out you would find that I might call you a dumb ass when you screw up, but understand that, shit head and dumb ass are terms of endearment not personal attacks. Think about it, would you prefer that I called you stupid or just laughed myself silly?

If you think the way to go green is to live off grid, be one with nature, please go find someone else’s book to read. Yes, living off grid is greener living in a sense, but not like the green people would leave you to believe. It takes fossil fuel to produce green energy. Yes snowflake, without fossil fuel, there is no way to go green. Alternative energy means, you have someone come and install solar panels on your roof and life goes on as usual, sometimes you have a lower utility bill. No, it is not. That is not living off grid. The solution to going green is not slapping a bunch of solar panels on your roof and continue on with life, never altering your lifestyle. True off grid living means you cut that line that ties you to the power pole. No commercially supplied utilities. Kind of like if you didn’t pay your power bill or a hurricane came through and trashed the utilities. It is just you and God against the elements, with a little help from others who invented things like solar and wind power. It is learning how to live without commercially produce power and living comfortably. Anyone can pitch a tent and live inside of it, for a period of time. Sooner or later, it is going to get cold, or hot, and that tent become unbearable.

If you are lazy, don’t try it. If you have health issues don’t leave civilization. If you’re not physically fit, forget the notion all together or get fit then try it. If you need lots of people around, or like to party, live in a condo not the woods. If bugs terrify you or dirt bothers you, please stay in your comfortable pest-controlled home. Or better yet just read the book and be entertained. When your finished you can laugh at the stupidity of the rednecks straight out of deliverance have done. Then maybe you will still want to try living off grid.

If extremes in temperature bother you remember heat and cold are part of living, there may not be enough heat and no AC, so stay in your climate-controlled environment. Hey out here in the woods it might be high fifties in the morning and high nineties in the afternoon. It’s tough to deal with, so stay in your happy little home.

If you have never lived in a tent without running water available, without fuel for your lamps, dehydrated food and sleeping on the ground, cooking over an open fire, then try it for two weeks before you decided on off grid living. Turn off your electronics and have a go at primitive camping. It may be fun for a few days but take a look at it seriously. Not just an adventure for a weekend. Should you decide to give it a go and can’t cut the mustard then you will join ninety percent of the people who have tried before you. It takes a certain kind of human to live off grid.

If you are attached to your electronics, stay home. Google this snowflake, what if there is no signal?

If your idea of roughing it consists of spending a night in a motel that doesn’t have cable, again don’t try this.

If your skill sets consist of book or u tube leaning only, please don’t try this, you might invest in a cemetery plot before you do. The web is good for some things but research things thoroughly. There are people who post things that are absolutely untrue, misleading and downright dangerous.

Ask yourself some questions and be honest with your answers: Can I think outside the box or do I even understand what box means? Do I know how to identify plants, bugs, and snakes that are poisonous? Can I cook over a camp fire or for that matter do I know how to start and maintain the fire? Do I know basics of first aid? Do I know if water is pure, aka potable? Do I know how to purify it? Do I know what not to do if I have a bear looking at me like he just found his next meal and it is me? Do weapons of any kind frighten me, and if so, why? Can I go without a shower for days? Do I mind being alone, completely alone with no close neighbors? How well do I adapt to changes, particularly changes that happen quickly? Do I require a climate-controlled environment?

Hey that list should take up about ten pages but I think you get the picture.

Off grid living isn’t for everyone. You don’t have to know everything either. A basic skill set in multiple areas will suit you just fine. This book isn’t a how to do it manual, it’s a lecture in what not to do and the humor in stupid. If your idea of being off grid is slapping solar panels on every inch of your roof and installing a wind generator, it is time for you to put this book down and return it to where you bought it.

Stupid is not ignorance, but both can kill you in a heartbeat. Yes, we are all instilled with a survival instinct but folks, I hate to be the one to tell you that instinct doesn’t necessarily mean you will survive. Sometimes stupid is deadly. This isn’t a survival book either but there are things in here that will help you survive even if you never live off grid. Stupid basically means your decision was based on something you didn’t think through. Grabbing a hot pan without a mitt to protect your hand is stupid. For example: Someone near and dear to me had never had to care for a vehicle on her own. I gave her some basic instruction, tire maintenance, fluids etc. About a month later she said to me I can’t find a funnel small enough to accommodate putting oil into my car. I stood there perplexed and asked her to show me, which she did. Ignorance on her part, not stupidity, she was trying to pour oil down the dip stick tube. When I showed her the cap on the engine block, she gave me this, awe shucks look, while I laughed myself silly.

The point is to get an education in everything you wish to do, preferably hands on learning. You can watch a potter at a wheel for years but until you sit there and put your fingers in that spinning clay you truly won’t know what it’s like. I learned to can vegetables by helping my grandmother. I learned to use a sewing machine from my mother. I learned to knit on my own and it looks like it. I watched my grandfather, uncles and dad operate hand tools, power tools, build things out of wood, stone and metal. I may have been a girl but it didn’t matter. They showed me what to do and I did it. It is the same way with everything in life.

There are more questions you need to ask yourself before you make the decision to live off grid. How old are you? Age makes a difference because it is hard physical work. Older bodies require more care and break down easily. How physically fit are you? What medications are you on and could you survive without them? Are you afraid of weapons? Chances are sooner or later you are going to have to use one. Remember anything can be a weapon but a can of soup is not going to stop a large predator. Do you know anything at all about plumbing, basic mechanics, building, splitting wood, basic electrical work, short wave radios, first aid, and CPR?

No, I probably didn’t need to learn all the things I have learned to do over the course of my life but it sure has come in handy. I don’t think I am different than a lot of women, but maybe I am. I never minded sawdust in my hair or grease under my nails. Sure, I wear heels, make up and jewelry. I like for my hair to look nice and to be ultra-feminine.

I had family that I spent summers with that owned a chicken farm and had a large garden. My mom had greenhouses and I was around all kinds of domestic animals. I know how to hook up a milking machine or do it by hand. I have lived with plenty and with little to nothing. I learned early what waste not want not meant.

It should come as no surprise that I wound up with a man who can do all those things I can and a lot that I cannot. Those skills combined into one off grid couple made for a much easier time of it than a lot of people have. Yet we also made mistakes, suffered the consequences and survived.

Please don’t use this book as anything more than an interesting story to read filled with an over flowing cup of sage advice and wisdom.

Experts who do the numbers say that if our country was hit by an EMP that took down our power grid that over fifty percent of our population would be dead within the first thirty days and ninety percent inside of six months. If you didn’t know, that also includes solar and wind generating contraptions. They are equally as sensitive to EMP as the conventional power grid is. They are not the solution to an EMP hit. So, take that safety net you made in your mind away.

Something else that most people do not realize is that solar and wind generators are in actuality, giant battery chargers. The energy that they produce is stored in batteries. Batteries supply the power to your dwelling via the wiring. It also has a large economic outlay and requires maintenance. The batteries and solar panels do not last forever. They have a life span of anywhere from three to ten years. It is not a one and done expense. If you were thinking that you would be good for life, I am sorry to tell you that is incorrect. Maybe one day technology will come up with units that do last forever but it isn’t available today.

As far as it being incredibly better for the environment, I am not convinced of that. Someone would have to show me the amount of energy that went into making the products that are used in solar and wind energy. Plastics require petroleum, a fossil fuel. To make glass, fossil fuels are used. Batteries require lead or the rare earth mineral, lithium. Acid is used in most batteries. Plastic covers wire. Copper and aluminum are used in the wires as well. Aluminum and steel are used in the frames and standards. Grease used to keep gears moving is made from petroleum. I could go on here, but I think I have made my point as to the components of these ‘green’ products. Then there is the disposal of the spent pieces and parts. Yes, they can be recycled and you actually can defray the cost of replacements by selling the parts to companies that recycle them. Most folks who live off grid do recycle. For survivalist recycling can be an income source. Like most things I am sure that a great deal of the spent units, wind up in land fill because most folks are too lazy to bother to recycle. Some are ignorant to the ability to recycle. Others don’t want to see the stuff laying around waiting to go to recycle.

We live in a throwaway society. Buy it, use it, toss it. Municipalities made it an offense for not recycling. People wrap things that are not supposed to go in the trash up inside of something else so it cannot be easily seen in the trash bag. I believe in recycling everything you can, but I am aware that sometimes the amount of fossil fuel used to reprocess recycled material is more than if it was just thrown away. Paper bags were done away with to help save trees. Yet paper bags were recycled far more often than the plastic that is used now. I can remember the grocery stores having paper bags printed so that when they were used as book covers their logo was still easily seen. Newspapers were used to wash window, line the bird or hamster cage. Recycling was done for years before the use it and toss it society came along.

So, if you are looking at this book as a true greenie, you’re apt to find some appalling things said. But then you justify the use of plastics that are more harmful to the environment than paper. Paper is biodegradable. You might as well just trash and troll the whole book on the internet, but how about putting up your real-life experience of living off grid first. I have read some blogs about off grid living that sound like utopia, I know that’s bull crap. I live it, I know what it’s like and it is NOT utopia.

If you are healthy, tenacious, have ample skills, don’t mind hard work and solitude, understand the difference between wants and needs, can think outside the box on the run, pay attention to instruction, listen well, are observant, fearless but not foolish, a little arrogant but not prideful, don’t mind asking for help occasionally, know when you are in over your head, patient, understand wild life management, generous, can read the weather, know your way around a map or use of a compass, are not the kind to panic, respectful of others, know which rules you should keep and those you can break, can live without technology, understand the necessity of weapons, and don’t know what it means to quit, then off grid living is for you.

I know I asked a zillion and a half questions and made a number of statements, but honestly folks, I love living off grid. It has some distinct advantages. I have seen many people fail trying to live off grid. For all the reasons I have stated thus far but there is one more.

Finances may push you off grid, but don’t think that it is cheap living. Some years your garden wont produce. If you have critters there will be times that the price of their feed will skyrocket. Tools will break, vehicles break down, animals or your self will get sick or hurt and require professional help. You must have a sustainable income. Without it, you are screwed. Because you live off grid getting any kind of assistance as in SNAP, Medicaid, or help with heating costs, is next to impossible. Sure, there are food banks and churches that will and often do help out. If you are debt free for a period of time, it isn’t easy to get credit to purchase a vehicle or anything else on time. Before you take the plunge into off grid, make sure you have an income. Don’t think you will find work, aka a job, make sure you have it before you move into the woods.

If you have young children, be prepared to home school. That does not mean that you will require on line learning capability. Do your research first, and do a thorough research. I heard about one couple that nearly lost their children to social services because of their choice of off grid living. They wound up having to move into town to create what the state considered a more stable environment for their children.

If I haven’t run you off and you still want to live off grid, read on. It was not my intent to scare you, it was to be as honest as possible. Make your own decision but please read on even if you aren’t planning on pulling the plug on civilized living. You’re going to laugh a little and understand more about why there is no degree in stupid. Hell, if there was, I would have a doctorate hanging on my wall.

Chapter 1

Our decision to live off grid came after years of research and a desire to be self-sustaining. We were weary of utility bills, cable tv, the internet and the crime in cities. We feared that our country had reached a boiling point and that civil unrest was at hand. We had a desire to create a place of safety and sustainability. It had nothing to do with going green. We also wanted to grow our own organic vegetables, raise some chickens, own a horse and other domestic critters. The temptation to just buy a small farm was strong but the more we thought about it the more we knew that we wanted to be as far out in the woods as we could be comfortable. We certainly didn’t want to do it the easy way. What is the challenge in that? After all life is a journey and well worth the effort. I guess you could label us preppers.

We shopped for land about a year all over the south eastern United States. If you draw a line from northern Tennessee over to central Oklahoma, and include Missouri then you have a general idea of how far and wide we searched. Price, proximity to civilization, water, access and existing structures were all part of our criteria. I cannot tell you how many places we looked at. It had gotten to the point that we thought that what we wanted was something that we were not going to find. We were up against a time line of when we were going to do this. We gave ourselves two years to find our dream land and we were down to six months. Work took us all over these states I have previously mentioned and one cold February Sunday morning, I went into a convenience store to buy some coffee to go and snatched up a local newspaper. I read while the renaissance man drove. There were a few properties advertised that sounded promising. We decided to spend one more night in the area and go take a look at those properties. The first two were a bust, just not what we wanted but number three turned out to be about as close to perfect as we expected to get. Twenty-three aces, a small weather tight cabin, a small pond and a good spring. It was less than twenty miles to a small town, within two hours of a major metropolitan area. Lots of trees and no close neighbors and the price was good. It took a couple more months before we could get an appointment to see it.

It was a beautiful spring morning; the landscape was awe inspiring in the Ozark Mountains. Everything had that lush green of spring, wild flowers beginning to boom on the sides of the road. The dogwood was fading, the red bud was done for the season, all in all it was a lovely drive. We pulled into the truck stop and saw the gentleman we were looking for right off. After initial greetings, we piled into his crew cab pickup, dogs and all. As we headed toward the mountain, I was full of questions about the vegetation alongside of the road. I also asked about the village, location of the post office, grocery, laundry, and other available stores. When we headed up the mountain, we were impressed that it was not over crowded with cabins and the road was in great shape. When we got to our location, I stayed with the dogs in the road above the cabin because I could see poison ivy growing everywhere. The renaissance man did the investigating and when he returned, we took a short walk. He was excited and said it had a nice pond, he had found a spring, and a quick glance at the cabin told him all was well. We told the man we would buy and thought we had made a very good decision. In retrospect, we bought a pig in a poke. We should have been more educated in what we were buying. We had more trees and rocks than dirt. The cabin looked good but was built poorly. We had no idea