Out of This World. The Beginning.

By Thomas Daw

In Out of This World, Thomas Daw unleashes comedy genius on an unsuspecting public. Out of this world is only suitable for those with the broadest sense of humour. Out of this world is supposed to be read before One Possible Dream, but it's not essential. Out of this world is the 4th book by Thomas Daw, originally written in 2017.

 

In out of this world we are introduced to Wally, the weird, one-eyed, weird-walking wanker. Discover the story about a Sheriff who liked goats a little too much for his own good. Learn how to develop superhuman abilities, with ease. An entire year of sex, fully documented. There's also the return of the legendary Pork Fingers, and we are treated to the infamous true story of Heft, and his own accounts of what happened. For those on the lookout for love, Thomas Daw also generously shares with us how NOT to do a dating profile.

 

As with anything Thomas Daw that is non-martial arts, the Out of This World book is itself a masterpiece of surreal humour, fiction and warped themes. Enjoy. One thing is for certain- you will have never read anything like Out of this world before, in your entire life. Bizarrely, a triumph.

 

If you only ever do one thing in your entire life, make it reading this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Thomas Daw
• Release date: Nov 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201902650

Book preview

Nobody Is Safe: Introduction.

Hello there, wonderful people of the world. It’s me Thomas Daw again with another mountain of old bollocks for you. This is my fourth mildly amusing eBook and it may be my last. The thing is, I am such a creative type, that I keep on producing stuff and neglect to bother to market it.

I still know fuck all about martial arts, and I am an utter, utter cunt. Hang on, that’s someone else. I am still a Grand Master, and am the farthest from a cunt imaginable; half a shame really.

This book is a work of fiction, blended with the truth. Even I do not know what is lies and what is the truth anymore. All I know is that I am called Thomas Daw, I am 35 and was born in Truro. I like Chinese Takeaways that are not shit, and would love to spend the rest of my life having sex with an attractive, famous woman.

I do hope you enjoy reading this waffle, as I did enjoy writing at least some of it. I wrote the words on a computer, and checked it was all spelt properly before putting it up for sale.

This compendium of shite is dedicated to those people who actually are vegans, and never mentioned it once: I’ve never met one of you, but this is for you.

Enjoy second puberty.

Regards,

Thomas.

Richard the Downtrodden.

It was a fucking bollocks Wednesday morning, and Richard was feeling downtrodden. The Goats squealed as the Sheriff pulled down his pants, and banged each one of them, right up the fucking anal. Richard was not very happy at all. Kiss my salt and vinegar pubes, you ginger goofy fat bitch. Sometimes I look at people and think ‘why are you talking to me, you ugly cunt?’; sometimes? I believe in miracles, but until your Mum sucks my balls on national TV, it will never be more than friends with benefits.

Richard was grumpy as hell today. Piss off before I kick your fucking head in, you fat little bald fucking gay cunthead fuck. A weasel stuck its head out of a nearby mound, and sniggered to itself as it watched the Sheriff sodomising the Goats. Pancreatic Leviathan. If I had two apples, and I sliced one apple and shoved the slices up your sister’s fanny, how many apples would it take to get you to fuck off? Turbo cunt is still cunt, whether we accept it or not.

The Postman smiled and laughed quietly, before admitting that it was he who spunked all over the Gameboy Colour. The Inspector was aghast, and took a huge bite out of his ham sandwich, before slapping his erection against the entrance of the Supermarket. People were in utter disbelief. Teenagers were laughing their fucking heads off, and people were taking pictures with their mobile phones. Just a normal day, and all of a sudden there’s this Inspector with a sandwich in his hand, bismarking an automatic door entrance to the supermarket. The Police were called, and the Inspector started to cry when he was pulled away from the entrance. I just did one of those farts where it almost felt like it hurt, do you ever get that?

One of the Goats had started to weep, as it had been bum-raped by the Sheriff. I went for a piss once, and loads of blood came out of my bellend, but your Mum said it was normal, so I just carried on as usual. I was expelled from School once, because one of the female teachers used to suck my dick, and I did a huge piss all over her too; at least I think it was a School? Let’s all have a wank and then go to a disco, shall we?

I want to dance in my garage and get fucked up with a girl who pretends to be hard to get, then turns into a raging whore in the same hour. Richard was severely depressed, as he had just been raped by a lacrosse enthusiast, in full regalia. Spunk drinking ginger bitch, plus very fat could be pretty bitch, equals almost one average brunette with zero personality.

Richard learned that most people were boring to him, and he could neither shag nor kill them without consequences. Richard wanted a fucking moist Battenberg, don’t we all? I don’t even fucking like Battenberg. I like porn and would shag women who wanted me on camera too. I like video games. I like famous women. I like leggings where I can see the camel toe and much more besides.  But Battenberg? No thanks- Richard fat cuntenberg.

The Sheriff now had his penis covered in Goat excrement, and was forcing the Goats to lick him clean after sodomising them. One Goat wanted revenge, and bit the Sheriff on the side of the nob. The Sheriff pulled out his gun and shot the offending Goat in the fucking forehead. The Weasel decided to run whilst it still could, and the Inspector was never charged with any offense.

If you know a woman who you fancy, make her a sandwich and spunk in it first: I’ve never done this, but you try it, see what happens. One day I was so horny, I fucked your Mum, your sister, your car exhaust, your fucking lawn mower, your TV remotes, and all of your over 18 female relatives, even the fat ones that stink of fish and chips. Drink your own piss, you fat bitch. The Sheriff had spent all night raping the Goats, but he could not get the same thrill as when he banged your Mum on ITV last night.

Horrible things do happen. There are traffic wardens, people do come from Newcastle, and Hillary Clinton is a real person too. Frank Bruno knows your every move, and he is waiting behind the hedge to punch your fucking head in. I’m waiting behind a similar hedge, so I can get to finger ten women at once, one after the other, weather permitting. Bev thinks you are a cunt, now do something about it, asshole.

Fucking five point six was all we had left on the pressure gauge. All little Robin could do was smile and hope for the best. All I can do is imagine that this gorgeous famous woman is going to come into the shop where I work, and fucking practically demand my cock. I’ll meet up with her later, and it will be the gentlest, most satisfying fuck she has ever had.

Next week on I’m a fat cunt from Essex, Theobald steps in a Dog turd, and it’s no big fucking deal, but it’s made to be a big fucking deal, and you fucking care, because you’re a boring cunt and you worship other talentless cunts too. I have no problems with anyone from Essex, at all. If most of your Mums from Essex want to shag me, that’s not my fault, is it? Now let’s all go to Essex, and buy a faux-leather jacket. We’ll watch ‘Flight of the Navigator’ together, and then you can question my mentality, after I bang some famous bitch and become famous for fuck all. All of the Goats were now dead except one, and that Goat was your Mother, you fat cocksucker motherfucker. Love me, hate me, I don’t care. I stand by you, and right behind your fucking girlfriend, with the best two and a third inches she has ever known.

I haven’t had any attention for fucking years. I’m quiet as fuck most of the time- almost too quiet. I did have a girlfriend once, and she really cared about me too. I left my girlfriend because I took her out for some chips, but that is not why. We were in the Chip Shop and sat down for a meal. Well, she took her knickers off, and rubbed every chip on her fanny, before eating it. She did every fucking chip on her plate. At first, I was a little turned on, but after about 100 chips people started to stare at her. I was so embarrassed, I wanked all