Mr Wrong: Learn from Mr Wrong and Claim Mr Right

By Daniella Blechner and Amde Ambessa Ebanks

Do you ever feel as though you will never meet the right man? Are your relationships leaving you wondering what you're doing wrong? Do you attract the same type of man, repeating the same negative patterns over and over again? If you find yourself thinking 'Here we go again' or 'I've been here before', if you're dating men who love

• Language: English
• Publisher: Conscious Dreams
• Release date: Sep 20, 2014
• ISBN: 9780992991913

Daniella Blechner

Daniella Blechner is an award-winning entrepreneur, founder of Conscious Dreams Publishing, bestselling author and Book Journey Mentor. She is an avid author who is passionate about creating art and literature that is inclusive and diverse. Over the last six years, she has published over 200 books, mentored over 300 authors and aspiring authors assisting them in transforming their powerful stories and messages into successful books.Achievements include securing International press coverage for one of her young authors, Tiana, author of 'My Afro' on BBC, ITV, Channel 5, Breakfast Television Canada and The Kelly Clarkson Show! Other achievements include surviving lockdown alone, gaining 400+ comments on a post about what to do with cabbage during lockdown, completing the Don't Rush Challenge, living in Tanzania as a voluntary teacher whilst getting away with speaking broken Swahili and climbing to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro! She is the author of nine books and her debut book 'Mr Wrong' became a Bestseller beating Steve Harvey's 'Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady'.Daniella is also an English teacher with 15 years of teaching experience and has published authors from 7 years old to 84. Daniella lives in Croydon with her partner, Neville, who is also her best friend and biggest supporter. They both, although they wouldn't admit it, live with a pigeon!

Book preview

Introduction

Ahh, men, those loveable necessary creatures that can complete us, frustrate us, intrigue us, and sometimes destroy us. Mr Wrong is about our attraction to bad boys, dreamers, and players, the good, the cruel, and the impossible. It’s not about those relationships that go through their ordinary strains and struggles, highs and lows, but relationships women find themselves in with men who are afraid of commitment or who are simply unable to make a loving connection. It’s about women who are attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but above all, this book explores why we’re attracted to them and how our self-worth is tied up in them.

Do your relationships suddenly come to an end leaving you in a wake of dust wondering why you deserved such a swift exit and no explanation? If you feel as though you’ll never meet the right man, and all your relationships leave you more unsure of yourself than the last one did, you’re probably repeating the same negative patterns that are causing your relationships to turn sour. Men who love you and leave you are often emotionally wounded themselves, but as you read through this book, you’ll discover that it’s not them, it’s you! You are simply dating the wrong men.

It is important to note that this book is not an anti-man chronicle nor does it berate or batter men. As a woman who has experienced nearly a decade of dating disasters, I want to stress the significance of exploring your inner self. I strongly believe that when we see the same patterns occurring in our lives over and over again without achieving the results we’re looking for, that examining our fundamental beliefs and values about love, relationships, and, most importantly, ourselves is vital to understanding why our relationships play out the way they do.

As women, we tend to blame ourselves when our relationships go bad. We think there’s something wrong with us, we feel abused and used when the relationship is over, and we feel as though we deserved some explanation or at least the respect of an adult conversation. We’ve been told It’s not you it’s me or I just haven’t got time for a relationship at the moment only to find he’s dating someone else two days later. Let me be very clear: there is nothing wrong with you. You are worthy and deserving of love, but I’ve come to realise that we must be right for ourselves before we can offer anything meaningful to another. If you can’t or won’t do that, you will continue to date Mr Wrong.

I’ve encountered Mr Wrong many times, and I will guide you through the Mr Wrong manual. I will set you on a path to self-discovery and help you examine, question and challenge negative belief systems you may have about Love, relationships and most importantly, yourself. I have not done this alone but with the loving help of women and men all over the world who have contributed their valuable stories. Their tales chronicle everything from light hearted dating disasters to poignant narratives of strength, overcoming adversity and, most importantly, self-discovery.

Mr Wrong has been written with Love and celebrates men who are taking part in affectionate and healthy relationships. Through reading the stories written by men ranging from Ex-Mr Wrongs and confessed Mr Wrongs, to men who have been deeply hurt in a relationship, we are able to gain an insight into the valuable male perspective. What role do women play in creating so called Mr. Wrongs? Can men be solely to blame? How do our expectations and perception of men reflect what we experience?

Mr Wrong offers practical advice, not from just one point of view, but from women all over the world who have shared their experiences and dilemmas with us. Each chapter is designed to inspire, unite, and empower us through interactive quizzes, questionnaires, meditations, and exercises. Mr Wrong allows you to proactively identify Mr Wrong and free yourself from the negative cyclic dance of attracting and being attracted to the wrong men. It will set you on a positive path that frees you to find the perfect Mr Right for You.

Daniella Blechner

Chapter 1:

How Can I spot Mr Wrong?

Identify Mr Wrong

There are many different types of Mr Wrong. Before we start, I want to make it very clear that we are not here to berate or batter Mr Wrong, for we are all on our journey to completion and wholeness. These men still have got a lot to learn about how to have a healthy adult relationship, and we must respect their journey. Here you will be able to identify the many shades of Mr Wrong and perhaps recognise some through experiences of your own. By identifying them, we can recognise them more easily when they present themselves and make the conscious decision to set out for Mr Right instead.

Mr Drifter

Appearance: Wears a glazed expression and a permanent, yet annoyingly content smile.

Movement: Strolls instead of walks, often nods head and closes his eyes with said content smile glued to his face. On exiting the relationship, his movement is like a piece of driftwood floating in a canal.

Typical Phrase:

I’ll do it in a minute.

I dunno really.

How did I get here?!

Tone of Voice: Often low and quiet, sometimes as if barely speaking at all.

The Drifters fickly float about with no real aim or purpose, flitting from one ‘relationship’ to another, never quite knowing what they are seeking. They may have lots of different hobbies but none they really stick at or see through; they are jacks-of-all-trades and masters of none. We are attracted to their easy-going nature and laid-back approach—until we realise that laid back approach we initially loved is actually aloof on a whole new level and apathy incarnated. These types are prone to drifting into relationships and even marriages not quite knowing how or why they got there. Mr Drifter may have spent time kipping on sofas or travelling around finding himself. Mr Drifters often search for a mother figure to help them realise their dreams—you often fund this dream too. Mr Drifter could spend years in a relationship with you before realising that his dream is not to be a lawyer but to travel to Goa alone. The woman on the receiving end of this may feel deeply betrayed and used. Don’t let him drift towards you.

Mr Dreamer

Appearance: Has a refined glow about him, a dashing smile, and hypnotic eyes.

Movement: His movements are delicate, smooth, and precise. His movement on exit differs from Mr Drifter as he moves at the speed of lightning.

Typical Phrase:

It’s you and me all the way, baby.

It’s destiny that you and I met.

Am I The One?

Tone of Voice: Silky and enchantingly smooth.

Mr Dreamer has lots of dreams, hopes, and ambitions but nothing written down on paper. Mr Dreamer is often a charming man with a silver tongue and silky words that could convert the greatest cynic into a dedicated disciple. Mr Dreamer lures his woman with fanciful words, flattery, and flamboyant ideas for the future. He will sweep you off your feet and into his cloud. However, sooner or later you’re wading through a cloud of dust, wondering where he has gone. It is then that you realise that he has no real intention of settling down, landing that dream job, putting that sparkly ring on your finger, walking you down that aisle, being that fantastic father he never had, or growing old together with you. Did he ever exist, or was he a mere illusion? Leave well alone!

Mr Surfer

Appearance: Wears a happy-go-lucky smile and placid expression.

Movement: Moves quickly and quietly as he darts from one place to the other, swiftly serving and escaping confrontation and any perceived trouble.

Typical Phrase

We can talk about it later, hun.

We don’t need to talk about it right now.

What do you mean I’m surfing all over your feelings?

Tone of voice: Quiet, smooth, and calm. Talks as if coaxing a Rottweiler into being amiable.

Mr Surfer is a happy-go-lucky chap who enjoys the company of women but not the reality that being in a relationship brings. Mr Surfer has good intentions but no interest in talking about feelings or discussing issues. He glosses over issues and problems and pretends that they do not exist. As he surfs over the waves, he causes unknown havoc. He may wound his partner with his words or actions but refuses to talk about the repercussions or implications of them. His fear of confrontation or adult discussions causes breakdowns in communication, leaving his other half feeling unheard and unappreciated. She is made to feel like a ‘nag’ or that her feelings are unimportant while resentment grows deep inside her. This lack of communication and this lack of willingness to take responsibility or to listen withcompassion create a woman who bears, deep inside, the angry Rottweiler Mr Surfer so desperately fears.

Mr Loose Eye

Appearance: Large goggle eyes and gormless expression. Often has his mouth open and has a tendency to dribble.

Movement: Shifty, revolving eyes and a revolving head that can turn a full owl-like 360!

Typical Phrase:

I’m just looking at her T-shirt!

What were you saying?

Why are you always accusing me!

Tone of Voice: Soft and reassuring.

This guy has a revolving eye! Whilst looking you in the eye and telling you you’re the best thing since sliced bread, his revolving eye scans the area for a sandwich! This one is easy to spot; it’s the darting eyes, snatching furtive looks at any attractive female within his range or the greedy licking of lips, like a kid in a candy store about to dip his hand into the pic ‘n’ mix trough. Other giveaways are the blatant goggle eyed, dropped jaw, and gormless gawp over your shoulder as he puts his hand on your knee ‘reassuringly.’ Unless you like to ‘share,’ he isn’t for you. Leave well alone!

Mr Workaholic

Appearance: Small, tired eyes, a tense expression. Rarely smiles. Often has a throbbing vein located at right temple.

Movement: He dashes about like a bolt of lightning attending to his work needs, but slobs about at home.

Typical Phrase:

I’m working late again, honey.

In early tomorrow.

I can’t make it. I’m working.

Tone of Voice: Busy, rushed, and tense.

Mr Workaholic, at the start, shows bundles of commitment, responsibility, and reliability; however, pretty soon you find he has no intention of marrying you because he is already married to his job. Usually this man runs about working all the hours God sends, working on one project after another, running around after everyone else to cover up his deep-rooted sense of insecurity and fear of commitment to another human being. He is the trusted and dependable employee or boss and commitment-phobic boyfriend, lover, or husband. Even when he is not working, he creates work so that he can avoid any real attachment he may feel towards you. He will always put work first, leaving you at the bottom of the pile wondering why you need to compete with his job. Get rid. Job done!

Mr Serial Liar

Appearance: Not everything that glitters is gold.

Movement: Has a shifty, rat-like nervousness about him. His movements are quick and sharp as he ducks and dives as if dodging a bullet. Often coughs to cover up his lies and scratches his head and nose. Prone to twitching and head turning as he scans the area for trails of his lies.

Typical Phrase:

Honest, babe.

It’s not you, it’s me.

You’re the only one for me.

Tone of Voice: Amateur—changes pitch and tone frequently. Professional—has a slow and steady, reassuring tone.

Mr Serial Liar has a disillusioned existence. In fact, he is so disillusioned that he actually believes his lies. Have you ever had a man, whilst gazing into your eyes, tell you—and actually convince you—that the sky was green? Well, this is he. This man has no qualms about looking you in the eyes and, despite being asked for honesty, repeats a lie over and over again until you are brainwashed into believing it. This man may have multiple girlfriends or may even be married, yet he is able to convince you otherwise, making you out to be ‘psycho’ or ‘mad’ for not believing his priceless porkies. These men are duplicitous and deceitful. They want to have their cake and eat it and have you watch them too. These men are the most pitiful as they are afraid to live in reality and to face their own truths. Let sleeping dogs lie and take a hike!

Mr Ex Factor

Appearance: Wears a permanent pained expression as if he’s had an unfortunate encounter with a liquor of laxatives.

Movement: Walks slowly with shoulders stooped; he’s a broken man trapped in a time warp.

Typical Phrase:

I’m over her.

She needs me.

Me and my ex used to go here.

Tone of Voice: Monotonous and whiny.

This man is not available. He says he wants to move on, yet Ex seems to be the only word coming out of his mouth. He constantly compares you to her, speaks to her, plays the concerned ex-boyfriend by helping out with odd jobs, and is there for her. If he’s not speaking to her, he talks to you about the pain he went through and is still going through, saying she cheated on him and broke his heart. You are forever feeling second best, and every time he’s with you, you can read his mind as he checks his phone to see if she’s called. You are so far down on his list of priorities he may even forget to call and to cancel dates. He may make false promises and apologise yet lets you down time and time again. This man is not—I repeat, is not—available. He will never give you the love, security, or attention you deserve because he is still hung up on his ex!

Make a swift ex-it!

Mr Parasite

Appearance: Looks shiny on the outside. Looks are irrelevant as they are deceiving, but if you look close enough, you can see the hooked claws, translucent skin, and sharp fangs beneath his smiling mouth.

Movement: Walks as if he is drained of all energy before feeding yet buzzing with excitement after.

Typical Phrase:

I’m not blaming you, but it’s your fault.

We need to talk. You’ve upset me again.

I don’t ask for this drama. You made me do it.

Tone of Voice: Will use any tone of voice necessary to get required ‘emotion’ across. Often has an accusatory/defensive tone.

Mr Parasite is the most dangerous of all. Sometimes known as ‘drainers,’ they are usually jealous, possessive, or insecure types who need constant control and power. They’ll gain your heart by exposing their emotional side to you in the hope you’ll do the same. Before you know it, they’ve managed to expose your vulnerabilities, doubts, and insecurities so that they can refer to and feed off these later. For example, if you tell them you fear abandonment, they’ll threaten to dump you and leave you every time you do something they don’t want you to do. Let’s say you go to a party with the girls or go on girls’ holiday. Their own deep-seated insecurity and fear of abandonment is transferred onto you. Another example could be that, after having told them you have been betrayed before, they go out of their way to make you feel as if they could cheat on you if you displease them. They feed off your insecurities in order for them to grow taller, more powerful. This is, knowingly or not, emotional abuse.

Other parasites could be emotionally needy men who drain your time, energy, and love for fear that you will abandon them. They need constant validation and reassurance and, in doing so, form an unhealthy attachment to you, whereby you become his private supply of all that’s positive in his life. These men can also often cause dramas, arguments, and traumas in a desperate attempt to keep the relationship alive by creating urgent and dramatic situations that constantly demand your attention. A man must love himself before he can love another. A man must be secure in himself before he can provide security and equally share love with another. This is a sorry situation, and you will always be his source of energy until you create boundaries and a sense of personal space with this type of man. Better still. Power up and find Mr Right.

These Men Are Unavailable

These men all have one thing in common. They are UNAVAILABLE, whether it is emotionally, mentally, or physically. In light of this, one thing is for sure: if we learn from them and move on, we can grow from them both in strength and in wisdom. We may dwell on the pain and misery they have caused us, but perhaps there is one thing we can thank Mr Wrong for: if we can identify them quickly enough and finally stop blaming and battering ourselves for not getting Mr Wrong to love us, we can recognise exactly what it is we don’t want and start focussing on exactly what it is we do!

We are the author of our own destiny, and we make the conscious decisions as to who and what is to enter our lives. Our life is a blank canvass. We are given the tools to paint, create, decorate, erase, remould, and reshape it in any way we see fit. Everything within our unique canvass is there only because we have put or allowed it to be there. If a relationship is making you unhappy, change it. If a man is making you feel unloved or unworthy, remove him from your life. If you feel you’ve put up with too much for too long, don’t beat about the bush, don’t spend hours complaining to the girls about how awful your life is. Reshape it, steer it in a different direction, and set out on a path to Mr Right.

"Everything in your life is a reflection of a

choice you have made. If you want a different

result, make a different choice."

- unknown

Types of Unhealthy Relationships

There are many different types of relationships. Each relationship is unique and offers different types of rides and journeys. Unfortunately not all relationships are happy and healthy, and here you may be able to identify the different types of unhealthy relationships Mr Wrong has to offer. Whilst no two relationships can ever be the same, there are no doubt patterns and repeated situations that lead to the emergence of repeated outcomes over the course of a relationship. I have often found myself in a relationship thinking, Erm … I’m sure I’ve been here before, and even Yes. I know what happens next. I have been party to also continuing the negative relationship despite clearly having been presented with the same type of man, the same type of lesson, and the same type of relationship. I have been that woman who has thought, This time it will be different, or He’s on the verge of changing, only to be presented with the same outcome again and again and again. In a nutshell—an overwhelming sense of pain. I am a headstrong woman, stubborn at times, but after over a decade of dating men who were clearly wrong for me, I’ve learnt that things will never be different, you can never change a man whilst you are with him, and the only way to escape these types of relationships is to get out. In essence, stop playing the game and get off the ride!

The Roller-coaster

The rollercoaster seems thrilling and exciting whilst standing at the bottom looking up; however, once committed to the ride, you’ll find it’s full of highs and lows and ups and downs that leave you feeling disorientated, dizzy, and ungrounded. These types of relationships often leave you feeling as though you have lost a sense of yourself through all the drama this relationship has generated. You may feel unsteady, incomplete, and drained once the relationship has ended, wondering why on earth you ever chose to get on. These relationships are often shared with Mr Serial Liar and Mr Parasite who thrive on drama, manipulation, and your energy. Whilst smooth sailing may not be for you, this rollercoaster is neither fun nor fair and therefore should roll out of your life and stay at the funfair!

The Waltzer

This relationship is everything you could wish for in a ride. It’s thrilling, exciting, and full of surprises. You are so swept away with the excitement—it’s seemingly never ending. Then … it abruptly stops. While this is great as a ride, it’s not a sustainable relationship. These relationships are usually offered by Mr Dreamer, Mr Serial Liar, and Mr Loose Eye. The relationship often comes to an abrupt ending when Mr Dreamer realises that he can no longer sustain his flamboyant façade or indeed fulfil any of the promises he made to you at the beginning of the relationship. Mr Serial Liar will usually offer a longer Waltzer ride as he believes his lies and, at times, is so convincing the ride can be long-term. And Mr Loose Eye? Well, whilst we’re still enjoying the ride, he’s already jumped off into some other poor, unfortunate soul’s bed (and life), leaving you to connect the dots. Mr Wrong has taken you for a ride! Jump off while you can!

Hook-A-Duck

This is where a woman desperately tries to snare her man only to see him slip through her hook time and time again with an unfazed expression glued to his face. After countless attempts, the woman wishes she had a rifle from the cuddly toy stall to shoot that duck down! These types of non-committed relationships are often offered by a typical E.U.M. (Emotionally Unavailable Man, see Chapter 6) such as: Mr Dreamer, Mr Drifter, Mr Ex