Bipolar

By Fratanni Speranie Stargazie Futazie

You know, in life, we see things the way that we want to see them, perspective. There is no other way to live in my opinion. To know me is to know God, I am nothing without him. I am a gift unto this world, and will remain this way until he calls me home. We have options in life, choices, what are you going to do for your peace? Bipolar affected my life, I fought hard to get to where I am today. Looking back is always an option, however, evolution is the way, it is the key. I worked hard under a certain name practically my whole career. Life is about evolving, so I'm evolving into a different name. Some people might think that it is silly, I think that at some point in your life, you would want to step out of your reality of who you are and turn into something immaculate, something amazing, something great! especially if you are helping the people. Am I Super HERA? No, I could never be. All I can do, and all I can be is a realist, a woman with tact, character. A woman that is her own biggest threat. Yes, I have to deal with my own demons first before I can try to help others with theirs. What happened to me in life, well, nothing was funny about that, I just wanted to let the person know who hurt me. Yes, I have evolved, their is nothing anyone can say or do that can change that. The change has already happened, it is too late. See, turn around, smile for the picture. Listen, live your life like you want to live it. Do not just do what others want. Look at me, I lost my sanity behind it, now I'm back.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 29, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664195486

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Copyright © 2021 by Fratanni Speranie Stargazie Futazie.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 10/28/2021

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TABLE OF CONTENT

Pg. 1) (X)

Pg. 3) My life

Pg. 5) New year’s eve

Pg. 6) Change

Pg. 6) I want my babies back home with me

Pg. 10) Getting high

Pg. 14) Just waking up

Pg. 16) Next day

Pg. 22) The night of the big cards

Pg. 23) Just offering awareness

Pg. 23) Tell me

Pg. 24) Bi

Pg. 25) Brain

Pg. 25) Insanity

Pg. 27) Me before Bipolar

Pg. 28) Sept. 29th- school

Pg. 29) Nov. 21st- 2016

Pg. 30) Crying now

Pg. 31) My life

Pg. 32) Try me

Pg. 33) Do you not love your seeds?

Pg. 34) Low self esteem

Pg. 34) I met him at school

Pg. 34) the Bible

Pg. 35) A woman to turn gay

Pg. 36) Fruit

Pg. 37) Talking senseless

Pg. 37) Flag

Pg. 38) April 10th 2020

Pg. 38) Just to show you how a man tries to destroy you

Pg. 40) when people can not use you, it will be like world war three

Pg. 41) In hip hop terms, i made you feel little

Pg. 44) Laughing at a person’s situation, instead of trying to help that person, you reap what you sow

Pg. 45) I do not sleep without my meds

Pg. 46) crying

Pg. 46) Question: how is it that you want to be so perfect for him, and he has baby mother’s?

Pg. 47) Tears

Pg. 47) Tears

Pg. 48) Love Hugs & Kisses xoxo

Pg. 49) I already knew, until he came around

Pg. 50) Sometimes, i often cry

Pg. 51) We know men, we know, bipolar

Pg. 52) Thank you so much for holding on

Pg. 53) You have to endure a lot from people when things goes wrong, this is when you find out about people

Pg. 54) Self

Pg. 55) Bipolar Land

Pg. 55) It is just something about me that people just do not like

Pg. 55) When you have a threesome, you can’t sleep afterwards naturally

Pg. 56) Stay away from threesomes

Pg. 56) What does it feel like losing your children

Pg. 57) People hide behind things like money

Pg. 57) The failure of my body

Pg. 58) Sexually transmitted disease

Pg. 58) Yellow pink dust

Pg. 59) Holding on to your dreams

Pg. 59) What would you trust God for?

Pg. 60) He tried to take everything from me

Pg. 60) It takes strength to be a woman

Pg. 61) Wearing relaxables, my life has been hell

Pg. 62) How the man tears the woman down

Pg. 63) Never give up, it is not an option

Pg. 63) I would always love my children

P9. 64) Just wanting someone to love you

Pg. 65) Learning to fight back

Pg. 66) Just gone and let it out of my system

Pg. 68) Solution

Pg. 70) How the system attacks you, and you have to remain focused

Pg. 71) Remaining focus

Pg. 72) I don’t know how people try to play you

Pg. 73) Trying to keep the peace

Pg. 73) How the state wants you to play one spouse against the other

Pg. 74) When we get heightened, we area mess

Pg. 74) The imaginary life

Pg. 75) Knowing some of the saying when people are talking over your head

Pg. 75) Fighting time Super Heara

Pg. 76) Men, the woman that actually wants to be a real woman, let her

Pg. 77) Speaking out and letting go

Pg. 77) You want to be a real bad boy/ bad girl

Pg. 78) Do you think that it was a smart idea to fall prey to a man who hurt a woman?

Pg. 78) Holding on to the very being of my fiber

Pg. 79) I hate the fact that i didn’t stand up for myself

Pg. 80) Pride

Pg. 80) (Lgbt)

Pg. 80) Bible 18:22

Pg. 80) (polytheistic)

Pg. 80) As opposed to gay, raped or forced realationships

Pg. 84) Sad

Pg. 89) Getting into the process of claiming that you love that man

Pg. 90) their are people that keep trying to tell me that i am not doing my job

Pg. 90) Heats Lockets Bows

Pg. 91) Threesomes

Pg. 91) You know what hurts the most?

Pg. 92) pyramid

Pg. 92) when it hurts to the core

Pg. 94) The concept

Pg. 94) So all in the end, the medicine was too strong for me

Pg. 95) I don’t want a garment

Pg. 99) How to restore faith in everything and everybody I have lost?

Pg. 102) This is just the way that i have to sit down with my children

Pg. 102) Do not watch the time go by, time stays the same for eternity, watch the people in the world, people change

Pg. 7) Say my love topic

Pg. 8) The changes that i am going threw

Pg. 9) Get up lazy

Pg. 11) dealing with the truth

Pg. 13) Back then, it really mattered, now, not so much

Pg. 14) Love

Pg. 15) Just being normal

Pg. 17) Monster

Pg. 18) Age

Pg. 18) Two black eyes

Pg. 20) Veil

Pg. 23) Bipolar

Pg. 24) Bipolar

Pg. 33) What happened to my grandmother’s things, with all due respect?

Pg. 35) Head trip

Pg. 36) Faded in love

Pg. 37) imagination

Pg. 37) Holly mess

Pg. 38) Life of the imaginary

Pg. 40) recap

Pg. 45) I really wish i would have been that girl

Pg. 46) Watch out stupid girl

Pg. 50) Metaphorical, not literal

Pg. 52) Giving birth to a new generation, the millennials, the trinity

Pg. 53) when a man tries to lead you into another state

Pg. 2) Rohypnol (flunitrazepam)

Pg. 3) Life is tuff

Pg. 4) losing the quality of life, life is not the same, you have to work ten times harder, im my case, planets,zillion times harder

Pg. 5) They took the wrong children away

Pg. 7) Now that it is on my tongue, how could you?

Pg. 8) Strawberry Banana chocolate

Pg. 8) Pedal, flower, a pair

Pg. 8) decoding

Pg. 9) have you ever had someone just to stare at you?

Pg. 12) Talking to the devil

Pg. 16) The truth

Pg. 19) How i caught a case

Pg. 21) The cuff em boys in the team meeting

Pg. 21) when it hurts so much to the point that you have to call on him

Pg. 22) Sugar

Pg. 23) Drifting back

Pg.29) Why some of my children may not remember me

Pg. 29) Why does it hurt so bad?

Pg. 29) My marriage was a lie

Pg. 30) Why is it that you have to keep everything so quiet? No one wants to hear it, like you are saying something wrong.

Pg. 31) Being respected as a human being

Pg. 32) What if?

Pg. 32) Being honest

Pg. 33) Let me tell you how i really feel

Pg. 34) Starting to do things for myself

Pg. 34) wanting more out of life

Pg. 36) am i hell bent?

Pg. 38) (Men listen to this)

Pg. 4) i’m back for the very last portion of my writings

Pg. 9) Listening, and watching your surroundings

I would like to thank everyone that was involved in my book. First, I would like to thank my parents for taking me in when my tough time began. And the book company for publishing my copy thank you.

A Special Gift during these hard times the key to staying sane

I will always cry for my unborn child. You are greatly missed always & forevermore. I had an ectopic pregnancy...

My writing is a mixture of the truth, and also my spoken word, thank you.

Remember, in this lifetime, you have to stay one step ahead!

MUSHROOM

A mushroom popped over my Father’s head! So yeah, let me tell you how it all went down. When I was younger, I used to cry for my parents to get in their bed when I was scared. Fast forward, I got older, some things had happened, I felt dizzy. My Father states come here spickelq, or he called me kaxiyut, this is when i knew that i was in trouble. Whichever name that he called me I answered. Anyhow, I can remember him saying lay down on my bed. So this is what I did. My father was sitting on a chair, he kept saying what is wrong kaxiyut? I really do not remember what I was saying to him, he just kept saying what was wrong. I really did not understand why he would call me in his room. When I came to, I found out that there were rumors going on about me throughout the house. I just remember looking up at my Father, and a mushroom popped up over his head. I couldn’t believe it, I jumped. Studies do show that you could be having hallucinations. So I will tell you why I was experiencing what I was experiencing later on in my writings. You know, my children are somewhere where their bodies are being exposed, their social security number is being exposed. Nothing in this world is safe anymore. However, they say that they want the children to be safe, did they even think? This book might get to you, so make sure if a child gets a hold of your copy you want to be cautious. Signed a concerned parent….

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YIKES

When it is all said and done, high fashion, expensive cars, money, nothing even matters any more. The parable of the story is to get closer to the heavenly father, and stay away from the outskirts of society. You have to learn how to be yourself, you have to learn how to fight. Being satisfied in life is the structure of the father. You know, this Bipolar thing has me swinging off the wall from time to time. This chapter in my life is so important to me, this chapter in my life is allowing me to get it all out. Walking away from my problems and realizing the true facts of how devastating, and traumatic my life has been. I needed real help! Real emergency help! They came and got me, I was injured. My destiny, my life, my world, and in the end, I found out I only have me to fight my battles, so kaxiyut, this is a reminder, get stronger out here. Because looking back, you almost lost your life. From the shooting back in the day, to having to deal with these men that really do not have your best interest at heart, they do not love you. There’s a reason for this, having the ability to love yourself speaks volume on your character. Do not lose yourself out here, it is easier said than done. Listen, I do not want any trouble. All my life I tried to be on the straight and narrow. I’m just happy to be alive, see, when you have a (x) on your back, and you really do not even understand why. That infrared dot, I see you, I just do not know who you are looking for. Are you following me? What have I done? Are you scoping me? Or are you looking for someone else? It has been a long time coming, and i then saw some things, yes, i then did some things. There comes a time in your life when you have to really grow up. I never even thought that this would happen to me. You know, sometimes you get caught off guard. I really thought this would never happen to me. I never even day dreamed about it. Our ancestors left the world to us to do the unfinished job that they could not finish because they had to go home. Penniless, every thought in my mind, getting down to my bottom line. No nay sayers, no distractions, just pure enlightenment to understand, in life, it is not a joke. I like to think of myself as an unbalanced person that is trying to become balanced. There isn’t enough fun in the world to allow me to become a light headed space cosmic out of this world warrior. You can’t do this to me, why can’t you play for the other team. I constantly have to think of nice things to say. See in life, there are people that want you to have that sense of control. You know, staying focused, keeping your life in order. I feel that I’m a deep individual, but not deep enough. Just having the driven ability to do what you are called to do. To know your purpose, and for me, that is living my life to the fullest. Yes, I have complaints, just like everyone else, I am human. You have to let go of others in life that bring all types of noise in your life that you are not used to. I’m sick y’all, Bipolar has taken me through highs and lows in a small span of time. You have to ask the father to remove that from your life, for heaven’s sake! I am asking you to remove this from my life. I really feel like I do not deserve this. Yes, I’m back into a soft space of writing. A lot of time, this is hard to do. Creative writing allows you to flow your words. I found out the best way to write is directly from your head to the keys. You still can do your proofreading. Well, in the beginning, I just kept a journal of my writings. It takes years to express yourself, I mean you are talking about your life. I am taking the time and effort to abolish what I took part in creating. Hot honey, do you hear me, my life could not be any sticker right now then it was all those years ago. I should cursive write my name on the dotted line, my signature to prove I’m worth, heaven’s worth! Just barely holding on, but still realizing, I see silver, I see gold. I believe I struck it rich! The father is allowing me to see these things before the end of time, and I am loving it. The resources are here. We are not using what the father has given to us. We have to teach each other about life. It is generational, abundance is the key to success. Abundance in knowledge, that is the key, as long as you know how to do something, you can reuse it and reuse it. Since the beginning of time. What do you think our recipes are? They are there so we can go back and get the exact same thing. Bipolar allows me to bring it straight forward. I really do not mean to be rude, however I just have to be me, I just have to let this go. I have found courage under Bipolar, a certain power, a certain light. This has to be talked about, get your head in the game, be ready to be grossed out. So, I will share one of my life events with you, get ready. My life went out of control very fast and uncontrollable. Now, I do not remember exactly to the t… on what went on. This is pertaining to Bipolar. I do not know if it was just a hallucination, or was i doing this for real, i’m trying to be honest with you. I can remember being with peayouir at the time. I remember we went to one of his friend’s house and I remember him speaking with a man and a lady, eventually they left the home. I didn’t know where I was. I still was on twinkle sprinkle, my mind at the time was out of sight. I mean, I was still able to cope with life, I was just not sure at the time of what I was experiencing. I remembered, peayouir and I at the time we were dating, we did not get married yet. I remember him saying lay down. My clothes were on, don’t be nasty, I was really tired, I was trying to get some rest. Yall, I remembered hearing noises outside, I started seeing flashes of men outside of the building that had on hats… you do the math, I was frightened. What I’m about to tell you may alarm you. This is why I stated I do not know if I was just seeing things, or what I was experiencing was real. Yeap, i just remembered after that jumping up running out of the front door, well back. I just remembered that there was an enclosed porch. So this was a building, I remembered being on the second floor. I ran out the door butt naked, no clothes on at all. I looked outside, and I saw the school that I went to sign, someone was holding a heavy sign with the name and the mascot of the school on it. I remembered peayouir, he was trying to take me back inside, however, I remembered fighting with him. There were other actions that were going on in between the whole time. Those were the only three things that stuck out in my mind. After that, that was all that I remembered. This is why it is very important to heal from one relationship to another. I was in a previous relationship prior to meeting peayouir. I really didn’t even get much rest in between the two relationships. I had recently gotten out of a four year relationship. I started seeing other guys freely, then I met peayouir in two thousand and five, I gave birth in two thousand and six. Then I married after I gave birth to our first son together. He proposed to me before our son was born, i kept saying no. when our son was born, then we got married. We went downtown. We never had a white wedding. My mother always stated that we need to actually rest after breaking up to properly heal before we start to date again. So once you understand what happened to me, you will get it. Everything was just a rush, rush, rush. Not me being in a rush, It was my life passing me by, I felt it, and I still do. No one understands, life for me was unbearable. Putting up with other people hot honey really does put you in a different sticky head space. Be who you are, stand up strong to these men, they will take you there. Looking up information on Bipolar really puts me in a different head space. Learning how to accept this puts you right back to square one. Look, i didn’t know what this was, i had to see someone to get evaluated for my condition, aww yeah, i was diagnosed with Bipolar. Do you really know what that feels like when someone tells you that you have a problem? That is really a scary feeling you know. Bipolar is a disorder, studies show that things that can trigger bipolar is a parent that has it, alcohol abuse, or stress. If you look it up there are many facts that you can educate yourself on. I still can not totally wrap my head around this whole thing. It’s me or you, can you understand me? This bipolar thing has changed my life for the worse. Facts state that Bipolar is not curable, it is just treatable, they can only suppress it. So they researched scientifically for Bipolar. I want to introduce you to my theory. I say that mine was religious, studies show that many scientific studies do not accept the facts of religion because it can not be tested. I know what has happened in my life. Let’s take a walk in my shoes. See, i noticed a serious difference from my childhood to my very early adulthood, big difference. I first noticed the change around two thousand four, two thousand five. let’s see, i was either twenty four or twenty five, yeah, i think that i was twenty five. Now, my mother told me that I was going to go through a change of life in a quarter of a century, a half of a century. Unless this is what they are saying, is Bipolar just a change of life? I don’t know, someone told me. Let me look it up, you know, the change of life. Well I guess it is not that, well, studies show that menopause is the change of life which starts around forty, forty five, however facts state that you can get menopause in your early twenties. so, that would be my question for the professional care provider. When it became onset, was it because of menopause, was it religious, or scientific? Hum… I mean, I’m just looking for answers. The studies show that Bipolar is likely to start in your early twenties. Right around about the time mine happened. Look me straight in my eyes, do you see it? Bipolar is like losing a sense of control. You do not ever want to feel that way In life. My life is in shambles, however, I like to unscramble things, so I think I will get my life back on track. We are destined to live in peace, I understand that there is work that needs to be done. You have to keep an outlook on things. Look around you, we are in pain, the heavenly father sends his workers to do what’s needed. I look at my surroundings and I see greatness. Then I asked myself, is it important, am I doing the work of the father? I struggled with thoughts in my head about what I do for a living. Yes, I wanted to walk away from my job a long time ago. Those questions started to pop in my head a long time ago. Am I in the right career? Yeah, when I started working in the field things for me were a struggle. You know how you have that scary feeling when you are working with the public. I started to wonder, are we helping the people? Or are we bringing more problems to their lives? See, i know what you are thinking, you think that we are average people, however, we are so much more. No, I started to pay more attention and listen to the people to understand what my purpose was helping the person. I have found out that it was more than just a service. Being a professional is about caring for the community. I have had some consultations that helped me to realize that we actually care for the people. consumers have real true issues when it comes to their health. It took me a long time to get that threw my head. I always felt that I was doing something wrong. You will hear people say, doing something that is not natural is wrong. See, i do not have to actually do a lot of different services, however, If I am self-employed I’m free to do whatever, however, if you are working at a corporation, you just might have to do certain services that you do not want to do. All in all, my job is very important. I hear so many people downing professionals in my line of work, what did I do wrong? Come sit down and have that consultation with me so that I can fix the problem. (My life) yikes!!!, run, run fast, girl, he’s right behind you. Listen, this is a very important topic to discuss. Why? Because this could happen to you. This probably has happened to someone in your family, someone that you know. your cousin, your brother, your sister, Bipolar has no gender. For me, this topic is very sensitive. I just want you to know that, today I’m writing my life story. I will write my truth, on how my world turned upside down. How the moon was on planet earth. This is a must read tell all book. The reason why I’m writing this copy today is because I feel that life is short, and the impossible became possible for me again. I want to tell my children what happened. Yes, my children, I want to tell my children so that they will not have to get it off of the streets. They do not know, and I wish that I didn’t have to tell them. I’m doing this so that they will fully understand what happened to their mother before they were born. Children, there are true live terrors on these streets that we walk on. Blood shed, things that we can see, and things that we just can not see or change. There is a saying that people say, no honor amongst real life thieves, always remember the phrase. 1:9, niv if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 6:23, Niv: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our lord. Listen, as I was growing up. Things felt pretty normal for me. Father, mother, sisters, like I stated before, basic family life. The kind of family that heavens highly recommends, you get it. The kind of father and mother that worked hard sparing no expenses. They care for their family no matter what. As I progressed, as I got older. The world seemed that much larger. I had space to move around in retrospect. I began to understand how the world operated. And I became accustomed to which way to turn. 911 opened up my eyes on many different levels. I really used to feel so safe down here on earth. I guess it was just how my parents raised us. They kept us sheltered and insync with each other. As I have gotten older, I felt myself drifting away from my family. I guess I felt the need to have my own space outside of my sisters. As of this point, I have to be honest, I just felt suffocated. This probably didn’t have anything to do with my family. It just had everything to do with myself. As a child, well a teenager. I was not comfortable with myself, why? Because I was a heavy teenanger. The young guys treated me like one of the girls. But to me, I always felt different. My sisters used to get dressed, and they looked like they walked out that door with confidence. Not me, I used to get up, wash up, and get ready to put my clothes on. But I had to wear certain undergarments to make my shape look different, my mother made me. I guess it was to make my shape look smaller. I hated it, I just wanted to be me. I was a very lazy girl. Later on in the years, I found out I was full blown sickle cell. I have sickle cell anemia. Let my ex tell it, I just didn’t have any drive to do nothing. That I had no ambition. Women, if yall listen to a lot of these men, you are setting yourself up for failure. Let me stick to the subject. See back then, for me I just didn’t know how to lose the weight. My father used to work with me. He would show me how to work out. I still was not interested. At the time, I still thought that the exercise was too strenuous for me. yeah, I just was not interested. Now that I am older, I still feel the same way. It’s just that I have a little more fight in me to try to do the exercise. I’m a ball of nerves. Life for me has been very interesting. Just if I could have done it all over again, I would have changed a lot of things. I am a professional. I consult, and work hard for a living. When I was in school, they used many different techniques. One that I can remember was to be open. Keep yourself open to thought itself. Learn the art, learn how to converse. This is like the biggest part of my job. Being able to understand how to deal with people. In the horoscope. I’m a big bull. Me myself, I have a low energy buzz. I do get hype, but deep down inside, I still feel that low energy. When I was young, I always felt angry. When I wake out of my sleep, I will always wonder why was that? Why can’t I wake up happy? Could it have been Bipolar then? I don’t know, sometimes people get information the wrong way. I’m not saying that the professional team is wrong. And that they do not know how to do their job. I’m just saying that there are so many different avenues that you walk down in Bipolar. Scientific, spiritually, realization, and also the bona fide truth. You tell me, what do you want to hear? Bipolar and or Schizophrenic is like a phase in today’s society, many people don’t understand it. Everyone is doing wrong things against the bible, young and old. I believe that we all try our best most of the time, I guess, I’m pretty sure that people want the best out of life, no matter what. Bipolar in a sense is dangerous, I can bet that a lot of people don’t even know what Bipolar is. There should be classes about this type of thing. For me, it just came out of the blue. And I just did not know how to control it. Often, like I stated it in the past, why did this happen to me? And why did I Get exposed to it? My parents and sisters constantly stated that I have changed. That they noticed something different about me. One of my sisters stated that she was trying to research what type of medicine or drugs would have me acting like I was acting. She stated that she found nothing. To me at first, I felt nothing. Hey, I felt alright. It was like this, I left home and went out of town to visit this guy friend of mine. We parted ways, we shared an automobile together. We decided that it was best that we move on and sell the car. We returned to my home town, and we sold the car. We did what we said we were going to do. Listen, this is a true statement. Instead of men trying to see how smart a woman is, they need to do what the father said and take care of the woman instead of trying to get over. I just made that statement because I can remember when we were purchasing the car. Dude was like, do you want your name on the car? Now legally if i didn’t put my name on the car, he could have just been able to leave with the car legally. And I would have just been standing there without a cause. This is one way people are trying to get over on you. Now, he went back where he was going, he visited me when he had time, my sister stated, I was not there, I had moved on in my life. (New Years Eve) I will never forget, it was the new year that we were celebrating. We were drinking some bubbly, raspberry zaziezaya, blueberry bum, peach purple fuzz on diamonds, etc, they had concoctions that they were mixing. My one sister states that she knew how to make the banana creamy cherry pineapple drink. So we all just sat around waiting for those tonics to turn up. We were playing funny games, having fun, just kickin it. So my friend shows up, he has the exact same thing that we were drinking on. He just didn’t have the peach purple fuzz on diamonds, and his bottles were smaller. Anyway, they were making zaziezaya bubbles, you name it. My friend asked me if I wanted a mango sour, now where the hell did he get that from? Seriously, that night things were just straight turning up. Man, that night, we were doing it. That had to be like 2004 or something. My family and I were straight kickin it. My friend showed up and showed out. Man, I hit the green peach a couple of times. Smoked my little stress relief and chilled that night. Everything felt normal that day at first. I felt smooth, like nothing could go wrong that night. Peayouir, peayouir, peayouir, peayouir. Peayouir did it! peayouir did it! Peayouir did it! Yeap. Peayouir did it! Peayouir did it! Again. You would not believe the time that we were having that night, honestly! Peayouir did it, peayouir did it, yes, he certainly did. Peayouir did it, I know it. You want the truth, I will tell you the truth, starting with him. Peayouir did it, peayouir did it, peayouir did it, peayouir did it peayouir did it.

Man, you talking about some body white boy wasted. I could not believe that I was still going. Now, my friend said to me, you would not let a friend drive drunk would you? He was wasted like everyone else. I’m like no, so he ended up staying the night. I had a blast that year. It was like we were extra on speed bumps. Anyhow, the next day came, and it was like everyone was leaving. My sisters started saying that my guy at the time had dropped something on me. I’m like no he didn’t, I just kept telling them that I felt fine. And that nothing was in my system but what I had in there the night before. I didn’t have any children at the time. Anyhow, I was confused. I was trying to see why they were saying that. So i’m thinking to myself, just go to the emergency room. So I did, and I brought my results back home. One of my sisters said that there was something there, but it wasn’t. She was looking at the results. She was like, see right there. The paperwork states ph. I don’t know if she was trying to test me. However, ph on the paperwork stands for potential hydrogen, I felt relieved. I showed them my results. Anyhow, things started to die down with my family. I just wanted them to know that I was not dropped. Anyway, weeks went by, and I started experiencing things that I could not explain to no one. I left off our porch and began to walk down the street. I crossed over and started to walk towards the next block. When I got to the next block, I could literally see the moon sitting on the street at the end of the block. It was like when I was walking I was getting closer and closer to it. Then, I can see myself back on our block, I’m tripping. It was like the first strange situation that I experienced. It was like one of many. Man, sometimes I just stop and think to myself. I just want my life back. This one incident, no lie, I was walking down different blocks passing out my business cards and flyers. You know how you are when you are in the house, and someone is walking up stairs and you hear it. That is what I heard when I was outside. I’m tripping, when I finished passing out my cards and flyers. I went home and told my family that it sounded like someone was walking over my head. They laughed and stated that I was tripping. This is why I used to bottle up everything. And why I used to not be able to talk to my family about what I used to be going through… (Change) Have you ever just felt like you needed a change? A change of heart, a change of life, a change of everything. See, life does have some sultities. And wherever I can find them, I try to stick to them. I’ve found in life, you have to do things that relax you. Things that make you happy. What is this, like 2015? Things right now are getting ruffer and tuffer. My family as of this point is split up. Peayouir filed for a divorce. My first set of children, the system is trying to adopt them out. And my last child I’m still doing visitation for her. Later on, I will discuss why things are the way that they are. I will tell you one thing, I need the heavenly father, I need the savior. My apologies, in life, you have to know how to hold on. How to stay sane, always remember that. Hold on strong to your faith. We need it down here on the father’s green earth. I want to do better, I promise you. I want to be strong for my children’s sake. They need you heavenly father, they need me. They need to know who their real family is. I love my children very dearly. Just try to take a walk in my shoes. Can you just imagine the weight of the world on your shoulders? Let’s take a walk in my life. lovely beautiful wonderful children. All taken by the state. Would you feel alright, like a bundle has been lifted? Or would you feel hurt.? You got it, I feel emotionally drained. Don’t know which way to turn, hurt! Always thinking to myself, why me? And at the same time, trying to embrace this Bipolar thing. I still do not fully understand Bipolar to the fullest. I constantly ask the heavenly father for help. I realize by the look of things that I am running out of time. I’m constantly trying to stay sane. Not to hurt others or myself. You know, when someone tries to take your young away from you, you turn barbaric. Trying to get a hold of yourself to remain disciplined. I found it healthy for my mind to stay strong by exercising to blow off steam. I get why my earthly father was trying to show me how to do sets back then. Rather than attacking everyone for my own mistakes in life, I exercise. Would there be any changes in my life? Who knows, that is for the heavenly father to solve. I can tell you what I would like to see. What I want to happen. (I want my babies back home with me.) As of this point, my babies are not in a safe place, they are away from their real family. Those are the true loves of my life always. When I think about them, they warm my heart. People should not have to go through this, not at all. It should just be a way that they can take a test so that they can see who was telling the truth. To my understanding, the system does not accept tests to see if you are telling the truth or not. Is this a true statement or not? So, it’s like I’m out of luck. But wait, the heavenly father first. I will continue to pray. Here is the scenario, when I was living out of state. We were renting a home. A home that flooded. It was a lot that was going on inside the home. The pipes up under the sink were pouring, gushing out tons of water, when we turned the water on. In the beginning, there was nothing wrong with the home except the fact that the water was too hot. They had to fix the washroom. Once the basement had flooded, I told peayouir that we needed to look for another home. So he would look after work for another place. I can remember like it was yesterday, peayouir woke me up from out of my sleep. He stated to me that he was getting ready for work. And that our children, the first two he just took out of the bath. And that I needed to get up and get them dressed because the brighter chosen ones were coming to pick them up for day camp. I remember getting up heading up front. Because that’s where the clothes were at, the brighter chosen ones gave my children some clothes. They were in boxes sitting on the couch. When the basement flooded, all their clothes, toys, shoes, etc. messed up. So the people were nice enough to give my children some clothes. Until I was able to go shopping for them. I remember peayouir was stating that he was getting ready to leave. I said ok, and he left. I gave my two children towels to dry off with. Like I stated it before, I was heading up front, as I went to go get my children’s clothes, the telephone rang, I picked up the phone, and it was the xicitiuk office. I had a phone appointment with them at two o’ clock that day. I took the call, meanwhile, my children were still drying off. The way that the front room was set up. I still can look right at the door that my children were in. They started making noise. I got up and used my hand to tell them to come on. I was telling them to come up front. I went to sit down and continue to talk to the xicitiuk office. I dropped my head for a second, then I looked back up. My children migrated back up to the front. I remember, two of my children were still asleep. I had just recently had a baby. She was three months old. When my children came up front, well, let me say this first, I was advised to be discreet with the names in this book in case of a lawsuit. So, I will be changing a lot of the names in this copy. This is a true story, my life story at a certain point in my life. So, I saw white and yellow come up front with ash. Ash was the one who got scalded. He wasn’t crying, my daughter yellow said to me that white burnt ash. So I looked over at Ash and he appeared to be ok. But when I looked down at his feet, his skin was separated at the top. It wasn’t huge, however, it was a concern. So I picked my baby son up and started to look at his body. On his other leg, there was a pustule, and I knew then that it was a water burn. Now mind you, when I got up and gave white and yellow a towel, I did look at the recreational pen to make sure that it was clean. It was not, I remembered. I remembered looking down in the recreational pen saying to myself, pea is going to jail. I could have seen the pustules then. I was distracted by the phone, and I walked away to see who it was. I thought I was looking at pustules. They were foregin looking, so i went to answer the phone so that i could go back to see what was that. I was just waking up trying to get my mind right, trying to get my balance. When I was a small child, some hot water hit my leg. I was trying to lift a pot off the stove. And the hot water fell on my thigh. And I had the same pustules. Life for me right now is so difficult, It is so difficult, I tell you. I just want to scream. Anyhow, I got off the phone with the xicitiuk company, and I called himitoyi town. I explained that my son had a water burn. So I asked the professional how to treat it. The professional states for me to use kikizkqa on the burn. So I got off the phone with them. My next step was to call peayouir so he could come home. I knew that we needed to take our child threw emergency. So I told him to stop and pick up some kikizkqa before he came home. Once he came home, he didn’t have the kikizkqa. He states that he was going to take a picture of ash leg and walk it, the picture, back up to himitoyi town. So that’s what he did i guess, he got back to the house pretty quick. It didn’t take him long to get home from work. Because he told me that he worked right around the corner. Like two or three blocks up. So when he got back home from himitoyi town, he stated that the professional told him to put kikizkqa on his leg and give him cixeo and kaaki every four to six hours. And that we were supposed to emerge ash in cold water for so many minutes. Which we did. I got blessed out by my family. Why? Because my sister stated that the professional is not the right professional that ash needed at that particular time, which i already knew, i was talking to that professional to kill time until peayouir got home. At that moment I thought that I was doing the right thing until peayouir got home. They asked me, why didn’t I call for a car for treatment for ash? I started because I knew what the proper protocol was for the professionals to come and pick up ash, and get him where he needed to be. I have taken plenty of professional rides to know the procedure, they were to come and pick up ash and get him to emergency, they was not going to wait until pea got there. I was the only adult that was there at home with my children at the time. So that is the reason why I made the decision that I had made. Anyhow, I just kept saying to peayouir that I think we need to get ash to emergency. Because I did not know the severity of his foot. peayouir’s response was that if we took him threw emergency that they were going to take the children away from us. My response was so, I needed to know if ash was ok. Rather than to just sit around and do nothing. So he states, let’s see how the foot is doing the next day. After we followed what the professional said. So i said ok, then i said after tomorrow if his foot is not ok, we need to get him to emergency. Ash was not crying at first. He did have watery eyes. You know, peayouir encountered prior issues. This is what he was telling me. What was I thinking? I knew that I should have just called for the car when peayouir got home. Yeah, I know people are talking crazy like why i just didn’t. I’m just simply stating facts. I want you to understand the person that I married. I did not have children when I married him, with all due respect. I just had to get that out of the way. Now back to my crisis, I had all of my first set of children home alone. I knew that the car was not going to let me ride like that. However, I knew that I should not have listened to peayouir. I was just trying to be a good wife, and a loving mother. Like I said, I knew that I should just have called for the car when peayouir got home. I don’t know when I was scalded when I was young. I went to sleep and woke up the next day, and I was fine. I guess that’s why I went alone with the professional and peayouir. Now my babies are somewhere where they cannot come to grips with their new reality. And me on the sideline can just barely stand up trying to not let that thing pop. yeah, balance, i know all about it. Hold it steady, so nobody will get hurt. They are now with someone else’s parents. Scared, not knowing what to do. Worse than lockup if you ask me. Can you just imagine that? Being somewhere where you just can not identify. I was never taken away from my family. peayouir states that he had certain issues, facts with all due respect. I want my children to