Marilyn: This Is Just Me

By Marilyn Randall

This newest book of poetry by Marilyn Randall, represents a lifetime of writing about personal issues, life events, love and relationships and every aspect of a life well lived. As she takes the next step of her final journey, she, once again, shares from her heart about all she has learned and experienced along the way. Her imagination plays a huge part in providing us insight into her thoughts. This farewell journal is the last book of poetry she will contribute to the reading world, as late stage cancer has taken it’s toll, not before, however allowing her to finish this remarkable journey we are all allowed to take with her.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 17, 2020
• ISBN: 9781796091670

Marilyn Randall

Marilyn Randall’s journey into the writing world, began many years ago when she wrote and illustrated her first children’s book titled Best of Best Friends and after, she went on to add five more children’s books to her growing list of accomplishments. In 2010 she won the Pacific Northwest’s Pinnacle Achievement Award for her book, A Hard Nut to Crack. Later that same year, after a tumultuous relationship, she began to write fiction novels with her first being, Quicksand, a heartfelt and emotional tale of an interracial love story, peppered throughout with her powerful poetry. She has added to that list many times and her final fiction novel will be out later this year. An author with a flair for the imagination, while perfectly marrying it with real life issues, she has developed a style noteworthy of the attention she now receives. Her adult fiction novels are one of her most treasured accomplishments. In this final anthology she leaves us with thought provoking pieces as well as life issues that she always enjoyed writing about.

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 by Marilyn Randall.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 06/17/2020

Xlibris

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Contents

Dedication

From the Author

Life

Acceptance

Fly

Friendship

Fools Gold

Friendship – The Written Word

Miracle... One Day A Miracle!

Fantasy.... Denial?

My Heart And Soul

Colorblind

For This My Whidbey Island

By The Grace Of Dreams

O’ Captain Jack and First Mate Mike

Kaleidoscope

Come Play With Me

Perfect Love Forever

Together

Timeless Hope

The Other Half Of Me

Fusion

Missing You

And They Were Wrong about Us

Randy

Coming Home

This One Man of My Heart

Painful Loss

As I Face Tomorrow

In Future Lies Ahead the Dream

Down the Rabbit Hole

Power Down

Acceptance of Our Hearts

Don’t Play Me for a Fool

Painful Endings

I Am Not Afraid

The Storm

How Did You Find Me?

Older Ladies Need Some Lovin’

Ode to a New Obsession

Missing You

Marilyn Randall

A Crystal Drop Of Dew

He Is the One

All Blood Is Red

Take This Pain Away Forever

Once More Betrayed

By The Grace Of Dreams

From A Daughter To Her Father, With Love

A Forever Friendship

Now the Crying Begins

Faded Memories

And I Am Thrilled

My Precious Joy

Another Question, Another Time

Masquerade Of Racism

Mother

Truth Of Courage

Mornings Glory

Daylight and Darkness

And Now It’s Over

How Do I Tell You Miss You

For the Two of Us

Wildflower

Satisfy My Soul

Better Than Beyond—You

I Will Love Again

Forever The Choice - Together or Apart

He Didn’t Think I Really Loved Him

You Are The Magic

Life Is Good Today

My Fools Heart

Once Revealed the mask of Rage

Butterfly Wings

As Raindrops Fell On Velvet Petals

When You Return To Me

Lost Time for Angry Spirit

I Am Humbled by the Joy of Him

Simply Found and Felt

To Sleep with You

All Of Me

I Can’t Wait for the Rain to Fall

Run of the River

There Is No Forever

Waiting for You

Come Home to Me Forever, Darling

My child of Light

It’s a New World to Me

As He Comes Home to Me

Forever Will Be Forever

Whispers within Your Grasp

A Love I Have Not Yet Known

Today

Family in Thy Faith

Below The Surface

Spring

Summer

Autumn

Winter

Daughter

Freedom Found

Sobriety

Sobriety, the Miracle

From God To Me

Give It Way To Keep It

Today

My Broken Promise To Me

Far Beyond Forever

Truth Of Courage

Shadowland

With Love To Me

Bridge Of Hope

Broken Circle

See the Ending to Live The Beginning

Hardway Jackson

This Magic Miracle

Christmas

The Gift of Christmas

A Christmas Journey

A Christmas Prayer

Hark The Herald Angels Sing...

Let us not Forget The Children

The Brightest Star

Christmas

Silver Bells and Golden Memories

Celebrate A Christmas Wish

Long Ago Christmas Memories

A Breath of Christmas

Sing His Praise

Peace

Forget Not The Little Children

The Grace of Christmas Memories

Christmas Past

An Angel On My Shoulder

Spirituality

A Special Thank You

A Special Thank You

Marilyn

this is just me......

Silence, peace within my soul

Searching always for the serenity of mind...

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Dedication

One day I was feeling fine; oh, with only normal little aches and pains and discomforts of a woman who has reached the age of seventy four, but basically I was healthy, fairly active still and enjoying the quiet life I had created here on Whidbey Island where I made my home with my beautiful little Maltese companion I named Toby when he arrived here ten years ago. Then a few days later that all changed. When my doctor called to tell me the Xray I had done a few days before showed a large mass in my right lung, it was startling. I knew in that moment that many more tests would be needed to determine exactly what we were dealing with and I knew it was best not to jump to any conclusions, but be patient until all the results and facts were back and so my journey began.

I wasn’t fearful, not one little bit. I was at peace from the very beginning and was so thankful that my faith was strong and I had every confidence that God would be right there with me as I moved forward, and so the days began to add up around appointments, tests and more appointments. Soon, I learned that I had a very large mass in the right lung that is malignant with cancer. It is approximately 3 by 4 and is the full depth of the lung. The difficulty it presented is where it is located. It’s pressed very tightly against the spine; so tightly the PET scan could not tell us if it were attached to the spine or just leaning against it. It is also very close to the heart, the bronchial area and the esophagus, which could mean lots of discomforts going forward. The cancer surgeon was very reluctant to do surgery. There was a great danger to my life and possibly paralysis if they operated and of course the radiologist, when discussing the possibility of doing radiation in those areas said the same thing. The dangers were going to be very serious. I began to recall the seven years my husband had spent fighting his cancers and how hard the treatments and surgeries were for him to endure. Very soon I came to the conclusion that those treatments and risks were not what I wanted to endure. I knew God would show me the way and he would let me know somehow what would be the best decision for me and very soon I met with the surgeon, the radiologist and the oncologist and told them all that I had decided not to do treatments or surgery and every one of them said they respected and understood my decision. I wanted to squeeze as much quality time without illness, as I could from the days ahead and I can tell you that once I made that decision the peace that poured over me was almost beyond explaining. The oncologist predicted I would have about six months to live, if we did nothing. Hospice was called in and I met with my team and then I began my walk with God down that most glorious path.

It has been glorious. Since the first diagnosis to today, absolutely everything has fallen into place perfectly and in such a way as to show me that His hand is on everything. Nothing has been less than perfect and each day I am feeling so blessed, so loved and cared for that it is almost surreal. I’ve been given the gift of time. I know the end is coming, but that end is only here on earth while eternity awaits. I’ve used the time I’ve been given to manage loose ends that needed managing, repair a couple relationships that once done, were like a whole other gift to me and the results were precious. Letters have been written, phone calls made and many, many, times I sit here in awe over what is happening around me and how successful it has all been. These days hours and minutes have been miraculous and as with everything else, God continues to show me every day how He has this for me. I have freely turned it all over to Him and I trust completely that He has it and has guided my every step so that every day I am relaxed, able to enjoy whatever is happening around me and my heart is absolutely full of love for Him and for others. Do I want to die and leave all these wonderful people I have in my life? Of course not, but do I want to walk with our Lord and experience this amazing peace and joy in my heart? I absolutely do.

Nearly every day I have received gifts, cards, messages of encouragement and so many beautiful flowers. The phone calls have been from all over the country and from those whom I’ve never met in person, but have met through Facebook and there are friends there who support me from all over the world. My family and I have spent time together talking openly about situations that caused us all pain and the healing we’ve done because of that has been miraculous. I have forgiven others for so many things that for so long I had carried as being hurtful and today being able to move forward in forgiveness and love has made my life so much easier and I have asked forgiveness of those I have hurt and when I have received it another miracle in my life happened. Perhaps the most powerful gift of all has been that since I know what’s ahead and I’ve shared openly about my journey, many, many people have reached out to me to let me know that I meant something to them and that in some small way something I said or wrote made a difference in their life and they wanted me to know. I get to know that I have had an impact in someone’s life and that remains a very special gift to me. Had God taken me quickly in death then I would have missed this miracle and I would never have known any of this and it’s truly been a gift. I am beyond grateful.

My Hospice team works with me each week to help me get through the difficult times and there are some of those, but they assure me their goal is to make my passing as easy and comfortable as possible. I absolutely have no fear and I know they are already helping in so many ways.

My one wish was to stay in my home as long as I could. With the Support of my friends this is possible. I know of no other person who would be willing to put their life on hold for a few months to be here with me and to help me navigate this situation. I can’t begin to express my gratitude to them and to God for putting them in my life and for their unselfish hearts. My good friend Cindy gave up many hours of her life to help me with grocery shopping for several months as it became more difficult for me to do it myself. She then proceeded to remove all my clothes and belongings from the master suite so the ladies could move in here and later she also removed all my art supplies, tools and equipment so that I could convert that room to my dressing room. She donated hours and hours of her time to help me organize and get the rooms ready for the change that was coming. Then there is my good friend Nancy who drove me for weeks and weeks to appointments, hospital stays and tests and she sat through the appointments so I would have another person in the room listening to what was being said. Unfortunately, Nancy took a fall just before Christmas and broke her ankle and she hasn’t been able to spend much time since that happened, but I’m so grateful for all she did for me for those first few weeks. It was very important to me and for all of these things I am grateful. All these very special people have been so helpful and caring, so loving and supportive and words fail me as I try to express my gratitude to each one of them, so a simple thank you will have to suffice here.

I am grateful for every gift God has provided. It is His amazing grace that I feel every day. I awake with a smile, knowing that I have a few more good hours ahead of me. I have been able to complete this book, which a couple of months ago seemed like an impossible task, and here it is nearly finished before my end time has come. I am so grateful for it all. It is such a gift that God allowed me the time to complete it and with friends like Marvin Turner, my dear friend who helped me make this happen and who has helped me the most. Marvin called me a few weeks ago and told me he thought I should finish this book so I could see the completed book and I am so happy he did that. It inspired me to push a little harder so I could one day share all these pieces of poetry from so many experiences and also some from my imagination. He thought it would be important to me to see it completed and to actually have the hands-on experience as I’ve always done before with my other books and he was right. He has continually supported me as a friend and so much more. We share so many long phone calls as well as our passion for RS Prussia and collecting and now I’m happy to share this part of me with you and as I have always told Marvin.... I AM JUST ME.

I dedicate this book to Marvin and to the women who have been my angels for these past months. Each one is deserving of so much more and I believe they have pleased God greatly for the amazing things they have done for me and others.

With love to all my family and friends and my chosen family. I pray each day for God’s will to be your will and for you to take His hand like I have and know the peace and joy inside my heart as your own. May God bless you always.

From the Author

Life experiences of all kinds have made me who I am today and they have brought me, sometimes gently and sometimes ruthlessly to this final stage of my life here on earth. Life happens to all of us and sometimes it’s difficult to maneuver through the tumultuous parts, while other times it seems so easy with the happier times we share. Of all the information I have at my fingertips that I can share with you my final thought is to encourage you to find God and trust Him to do for you. He never fails us and is always there when we need Him.

I am a deeply sensitive and passionate woman with a deep love for my God and the life He blessed me with. I love my sobriety, my family and the amazing friends I’ve made along the way. I am a seriously romantic woman and when I fall in love. I fall hard and deeply, evidenced by the marriages and relationships that have been a very important part of my life and I am grateful for all the loves I’ve shared and all the lessons I’ve learned from all of them.

I hate dishonesty above everything else and I expect dignity and respect from others the same as I am willing to give. I am a professional career artist and an author of both children’s books and adult fiction novels. My life has been full, exciting and absolutely thrilling in so many ways, yet not without pain and loss that was sometimes very difficult to overcome. In so many ways the gratitude I feel for all of my life, even those hard life lessons, is sometimes overwhelming. Gratitude for thirty years of sobriety after years of alcoholic Hell; gratitude to God and all He does to keep me safe, to love me through the worst I’ve done and to save me from myself. Gratitude for the life my husband Jack gave to me here on this beautiful Island. Gratitude for the people who have supported me and loved me when I didn’t love myself and to those who encouraged me to keep going and continue to learn and grow and to never give up. Gratitude for all the women who honor me by calling me Mom and who have needed me. Gratitude for a family who loves me even when we disagree and gratitude for my little Toby; my beautiful Maltese companion of the past ten years. He and I are closely bonded and spend all our days and nights together loving and looking out for each other. He has my heart forever.

And gratitude for all of you who wanted to read my thoughts here and support this, my last endeavor. May God bless you all as He has me with this most amazing and loving journey that is filled with a peace beyond my understanding.

Life

In the late summer of 2019 I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer. It became very clear to me that I still had a job to do before I continued my journey, so I have set about compiling this collection of my poetry and writings, many that were never previously published. This LIFE section is about my life. It’s about true-life adventures and fantasy stories from my imagination and I hope it’s a fair sampling of the highlights of this incredible life I’ve been allowed to live.

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’If I have touched or helped just one person during my life

then it has been a success and it’s all been worth it!’

Ruby Randall 1995

Acceptance

How long must I search

To find exactly who I am

Thoughtful silence pierces

The absence of motion

And I am yearning for peace

Knowing that will only come

When I find me

The maze is dangerous to pursue

The load lightened only by hope

Constant changes plague

The deepest channels of my mind

And I am restless

As the end grows near

Not the end

And success of accomplishments

But the end of life

Without solution

For in body

I am old and very tired

If when the end arrives

I find the answer

And know exactly who I am

For once and forever

My muted lips will keep

The secret safe

As I pass to the other side in death

But then in life once more

To try again, I’m sure

To find the one true me

Fly

Carry me on an angel’s wing

Let me feel the rush of air

My heart soars like the highest cloud

Billowing against the ceiling

Freedom from gravity, my soul bursts forth

Powered by the throttle held within my heart

Look eye to eye with a hawk of gold

And fly

Friendship

Friendship is more than just a word.

It’s a special feeling

that sometimes happens between two people

like you and me.

It’s a magic between understanding

hearts.

You know someone very special

has entered your life and you don’t ever want

her to go away.

I value your friendship.

When your world is turned upside down.

I feel your pain

because I care and because you are

my friend.,

You are a beautiful lady,

a lovely person with a caring heart

and I think you deserve

the very best life has to offer you.

No matter what happens

please remember that I am here.

I would never intentionaly

hurt you.

Nor would I sit back

comfortably

and let someone else hurt you

if there was

anything I could do to help.

Somehow I just know you would

do the same for me

if I needed help from you.

That understanding between us deepens

the friendship we share

and makes it

even more of a treasure.

One thought I can share with you

that might help

you get through whatever lies ahead.

Remember,

no matter what you’re going

through today

it will get better

and

life is full of good people.

People who deserve

to know someone as valuable as you are.

Know in your heart

that you are beautiful and special

and that someday, somehow

your life will be as wonderful

as you deserve.

You have given my life more meaning

just by knowing you

and sharing our times together

I hope the sun shines again

in your life,

very soon.

Until it does, I hope it brightens

your day a bit

to know that I care.

Fools Gold