Relentless: Pressing through the Storms of Life

By Nathaniel Sanderson

Relentless is a collection of the poems chronicling my 2020. They start rather optimistic as I attempt to start the new year well, and push to achieve some rather large overarching goals for the year. Then the pandemic hit and things in my life changed. I could no longer easily rely on the support network that had seen me through many years of my life and I was floundering. It was quite the tough transition and I began to spend a lot of time alone, a thing I had previously avoided at all costs. In those quiet hours I could no longer deny that there were things about me I was still running from. Namely a decade of sexual abuse. So, I started to process that. In the processing and growth that came out of it I lost my best friend of twenty years, as he and his wife could not abide the man I was becoming. Through it all though, I kept at my goals and achieved the bulk of them despite it all, and perhaps more impressively, I managed to not lose myself in it all.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Resource Publications
• Release date: Sep 3, 2021
• ISBN: 9781666712063

Nathaniel Sanderson

Nathaniel Sanderson is a life coach specializing in the trauma therapy, ADHD, and ASD/Asperger’s at the Centre for ADHD and ASD/Asperger’s. He has quite the résumé, from work in the trades to a few years of university, and is ever expanding his horizons.

Book preview

Preface

2020 was a tough year, I don’t think anyone will ague that. I had such high hopes for it, though. I figured I couldn’t let the pandemic stop me from achieving at least some of my goals. So I kept at it: I got my book, Resilient, published; I got full-time hours at my job as a therapist; and I finally built a healthy lifestyle after years of failed attempts.

I found that, through all the storms of 2020, the best thing to do was to keep on keeping on. Easier said than done, trust me. I have ADHD, which means things like filling in forms or formatting manuscripts is prohibitively difficult. Add a pandemic to the mix and you have a perfect storm for someone to justifiably take a step back. I didn’t walk away though; I kept my head up and leaned on that new, healthy lifestyle.

There were days I wanted to give in, and there were more that I did just give in and do nothing. The trick was getting back up at the end of it all and not holding it against myself that I couldn’t get going the day before. I learned to show such kindness to myself. So much so that even looking back on my old poetry and seeing how much self-hate I still fostered now hurts. I was pretty hard on my past self, despite him not being equipped for the cruel world that we live in.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: you are worth it. Easily said, hard to believe. 2020 taught me that lesson in so many ruthless ways, and through it I learned to be Relentless. I became this inevitable force in 2020, and it carried me through such a difficult season. In these pages, I chronicle my journey through the pandemic as I discovered how to finally remove the shackles of self-hate from my life. To do so, I had to face what is possibly the hardest truth about me. I had to face my deepest shame.

I considered not including this in here, and even in writing it I am not convinced I am ready to have it out in the world. It is important though, to this story, to give context to who I am at my core. For a decade, I was sexually abused. From the ages of six to sixteen, before it suddenly stopped. The memories haunted me for years, until this past summer when I finally started to talk about it. With the help of what can only be described as a legendary tier therapist, I was able to come to terms with it. No easy task.

Since embracing the scars on my soul and the pain in my heart, my life has improved significantly. Going to the source of most of my shame, self-hatred, and sorrow, and giving it space to heal has been a difficult but healing journey. I have come a long way in the short months since that process began. I understand my anxiety and my fear so much better now that I have discovered this place of love and understanding of my scars.