The Secrets Behind Closed Doors: Truth Wins in the End

By Melissa Hammerling

Do you see a closed door and wonder what is going on behind it? Do you hear muffled cries, shouts, or screams and try to pry to door open only to discover layers of filth and more secrets?

Secrets trapped me behind multiple doors held shut by hundreds of men in my life. Secrets, broken trust, and lies were the chains and locks

• Language: English
• Publisher: Melissa Hammerling
• Release date: Oct 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9781087998961

Book preview

Introduction

I’m writing this book to inform, empower, and let it be heard to the world that women 

are not pieces of property that can be thrown away at anyone’s discretion. Also, my memories are meant to help give women the encouragement and strength that comes within themselves. 

I always imagined as a little girl that "I would someday meet my Prince Charming and 

he would come and save me on his giant white horse." Now, I know that only really happens in movies, tv shows, magazines, or books. It's a bit of a fantasy. 

What people are and what society says is not exactly what lies beneath. Some people have hidden agendas. Most of those agendas are created behind closed doors or in webs of lies and secrets. In my life experiences, that was what I discovered. When lies and agendas control your life, pain and fear are the results, and many of you already know that.

I think you came here to read about how I overcame my pain and fear. Well, I wish I could tell you that I learned my lesson before it was too late. I wish I could tell you that I learned how to save my children from the pain I caused them and that they are on a healing journey and headed towards wellness. I also wish I could tell you I’ve been fully healed, and all is well. 

No. If there is one thing I can tell you is the truth. I’m tired of the bullshit. I’m tired of lies. So, it’s time to take this challenging read to an honest level. That usually means going through some sort of pain and discomfort for you as the reader. I want you to know that if you are in pain, aching for love, for light, for grace, others will take advantage of that, but again, you probably know that. 

I found myself swimming through a ferocious ocean of lies, secrets, and hate created by others, and at other times, I created the lies to protect me from the terrifying reality of addiction and abuse. At other times, I felt stranded in the middle of nowhere with zero wind to push me along the deep ocean of life. I was trapped, enslaved, and it impacted my family.

Some people hunger for control, for power, for money, and fame. Being addicted to drugs, sex, and alcohol, will drive that hunger into a ferocious machine. Those people gain power and control another person’s life with an all-consuming drive to never let them go. I have been enslaved by those who only want control and power. I know people who have gone to great lengths to do that. That is what abuse is based on: a need for control and power. 

People who hunger after power and control are abusers. They are consumed with power and control, and they abuse others verbally, mentally, spiritually, financially, physically, and sexually.  Many who are in control use drugs and alcohol to numb the pain they have. The victim can also fall into the addictive cycle of drugs and alcohol to numb and control the pain inflicted upon them hoping to just get through another day. However, addiction can happen as a result of that numbing. What a shit cycle! 

Those who hold onto power and control have one thing they all have in common. They ALL lie and live with deep secrets. Lies and secrets that are done in the dark. Lies and secrets are done behind closed doors. They are done to hide their deep shame and to gain power and control. But what is the result of all of that? Victims suffer abuse, pain, fear, and shame in a sick cycle that never seems to end until you hit rock bottom, find something greater than yourself, and learn to forgive yourself and others. That is the healing journey, and let me tell you, it sucks. But it’s worth it. I just wish I had more time on this earth to keep healing before I leave.

 If you have pain, fear, or shame in your life, that is normal. We have had it to varying degrees. I can’t bullshit you about life. You know that life has fair and unfair things that happen to everyone. Sometimes traumatic events of life can happen, and other times, lives can be filled with trauma nearly every day.  What we decide to do with the traumatic events that happen to us makes the difference. I found this quote on Facebook. It seemed to explain my life perfectly:

Cannabis isn't the gateway drug. 

Alcohol isn't a gateway drug. 

Nicotine isn't a gateway drug. 

Caffeine isn't a gateway drug. 

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Trauma is the gateway. 

Childhood abuse is the gateway. 

Molestation is the gateway. 

Neglect is the gateway. 

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Drug Abuse, violent behavior, hypersexuality, and self-harm are after symptoms (not the cause) of much bigger issues. And it almost always stems from a childhood filled with trauma, absent parents, and an abusive family.

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But most people are too busy laughing at the homeless and drug addicts to realize your children could be in their shoes in 15 years. 

Communicate. 

Empathize. 

Rehabilitate.

—Alyxandria Fandel

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When you struggle with trauma in whatever form it comes (abuse, victimhood, or addiction of any form), I encourage you to find help. Please seek help quicker than I did. Please find places to heal faster than I did. Please, find support, and know that you are not alone. Please know that you can stop hiding, lying and that you can stop living in secrets. You don’t have to be the victim your whole life. You can stand up for yourself, but damn, it is hard. 

You will see the pain and feel the struggle as you change your life from abuse, addiction, lies, shame, and secrets. To be honest, I would love to say that I could do that and that my prince on a white horse came and whisked me away, but that would be a lie. And as I shared before, I am done with lying because it is always done from behind closed doors.

I have given you all my stories so that you can see what I went through. And even with all the things I went through, I want you to know that I am still worthy of freedom. I am still worthy of the light. I am worthy of love no matter what you think of me or how far I have come on my healing journey. We are all in different places in the race of life, so let’s love and not judge. Ready? Here we go.

1

Behind Closed Doors

Why do we hide behind closed doors? Why have a wooden barrier and a silver chain? All the pain that is behind there will eventually open and spill out. I kept the shame, pain, lies, and secrets away from the neighbors? Because airing dirty laundry can put your job, relationships, and even your very life at risk. What do we do to protect ourselves? We lie, hide, and never share the truth. I mean, who wants to know all about the filth and shame that we have? No one, right?

However, I wasn’t raised that way. I was raised to tell the truth even if it means a consequence or punishment because the consequences and punishments would most likely be less harsh than lying; then, you must remember and then keep the secret. I was trying to cover up all of that with more lies and more secrets—more doors, more locks, more control. Here is the funny thing, no matter what is behind those closed doors, the truth wills out in the end. Eventually, the lock slides open with a click and the doorknob is turn spilling out all the truth that was stuck behind it. Truth always wins. 

Showing you the truth of my childhood is essential for seeing the foundation of where I came from and how it impacted my life. I don’t blame my experiences like I used to do. I don’t have time to blame anyone. Having secrets and telling lies takes more time than sharing the truth, and I don’t have time for bullshit anymore. Here we go.

Mom. We all have one. Whether they were there for us or not, we all got here on earth somehow. My mom has been my rock and my example. My mom was the one who connected me with reality but with love as well. No one could ever replace her. Mom: when we were sick, my mom was there. When we fell off our bike, my mom was there. She was the good cop. She was watching, helping, teaching, and loving my brother and me. 

To share the truth, since that is what I’m focused on, my parents were married for sixteen years. I believed my parents did a decent job raising us. But when we didn’t come home from our friend’s house that we played at, or when the streetlights came on, my dad was there. 

We considered my mom to be the good cop, while my dad played the bad cop. My mom was the loving and nurturing type, while my dad was the discipline and rules type. But somehow, they always made us feel loved and appreciated and that we were a blessing in their lives rather than a nuisance until the tide began to change.

You see, Mom’s smile seemed to light up a room. I remember the smell of her shampoo as she would nuzzle me close. It was a mixture of floral and freshness. That was just mom.  She would pull me back and whisper, you’re my princess. I felt loved in her arms. 

My mom was a typical stay-at-home housewife and took care of my brother and me while my dad worked all day. My dad worked at the same landscaping company for at least fifteen years. He eventually moved up positions within the company every few years until he was the purchasing manager of that landscape company. It wasn’t his dream job, but it was a job that guaranteed my mom didn’t have to work.

My mom’s job was to make sure we got to school on time, had our lunches packed, picked us up from school, worked with us on our homework, took us to our after-school activities. She made sure we were well-rounded kids that tried different things after school: like Girl Scouts, dance, baseball, and soccer. I thought when I grew up that I wanted to continue dancing and eventually teach children various forms of dance. Mom was there at each recital. She helped all the other moms and kids with hair and costumes. My brother liked baseball, he played for at least six years, and my mom went to every practice and every game to support him. That’s what moms do. They show up, and they love. 

But I’m painting something of a perfect picture here. I know my mom had her struggles and pain. I know she hid things from us kids so that we would not get hurt. She did her best to protect us. If there was any pain that she suffered from, she always kept it behind closed doors. I guess we all have our secrets.

Let’s share a bit about dad. For daughters, dads should be their heroes. They are the ones that set the foundation for their future husbands and who their lovers will be. Loving fathers who provide praise, support, and unconditional love give their daughters a gift. A gift that helps them to stand firm. It is the gift of confidence and high self-esteem. 

Wow. Really? Yeah, I learned this decades later. And I want to share upfront with my own daughters; I’m sorry I could not give you a more stable father figure and function within the parameters of the family in a healthier way. But I hope you keep reading and know that you are not the mistakes that I made. You can find health and strength from supporters and counselors, and I hope you will find your self-worth.

Anyway, let’s get back to the topic. Daughters who have confidence and self-worth have the potential to grow into happy and successful adults. Damn. It’s that simple, and yet it is that complicated. If your parents are suffering from their pain and shame, this can be hard to find, BUT there is a little hope. Dads don't have to go to extraordinary lengths to make this happen. If Dads just notice their daughters, love them, show up to recitals, but mostly love their mom, then the daughters will be happy and well-adjusted adults.

Well, my dad started on the right track. My dad worked at the same landscaping company for at least fifteen years that I can remember, moving up within the company every few years. It was hard, labor-intensive work. Exhaustion was just a part