Breaking The Mirror

By Alba Raphaela

"Breaking the Mirror" by Alba Raphaela Ph.D.. is the ultimate guide to identify, and deal with a possible narcissist. This guide consists of the psychological factors on how one can observe the behavioral pattern of a narcissist and prevent themselves from the mental distress and toxicity caused by them. The guide runs alongside the experiences, opinions, and observations of the author.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alba Raphaela PHD
• Release date: Sep 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201690168

Book preview

COPYRIGHT © 2021 BY Alba Raphaela,Ph.D.

The author’s opinions expressed herein are based on both her personal observations and experiences and her research and readings on the subject matter. The author’s opinions may not be universally applicable to all people in all circumstances. The information presented in this book is in no way intended as medical advice or as a substitute for medical advice or mental health counseling. The information should be used in conjunction with the guidance and care of your physician and/or mental health professional. The publisher and author disclaim liability for any negative or other medical or other outcomes that may occur as a result of acting on or not acting on anything set forth in this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities in this book/work does not imply endorsement by the author or publisher, nor does mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities imply that they endorse this book. All trademarks are owned by their respective owners.

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my son whom I hope will grow up to read my story, and in time will see my point of view. I dream that you will turn out to be a happy man and learn to love and be loved in a healthy relationship just as I finally have. I also dedicate this book to those who are in a relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and suffering from narcissistic abuse. I hope that my story can inspire you to know that it is not your fault and that you are not trapped in an abusive relationship with this person. You have choices even if they are difficult ones, we always have a choice.

A Note from the Author

One night when I was journaling, I chose to write this book so that I could tell my story, give my opinions, and help others learn not only from my clinical knowledge as a psychologist but from my personal memoir. It does not matter if you have a Ph. D in psychology, narcissists can still find you and you can still fall for them. Fortunately, I was able to get away from the web and create a life that I truly want for myself. I hope that my story can inspire you to do the same for your life.

Table of Contents

Breaking the Mirror

Introduction

Chapter One.

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

About the Author

Acknowledgements

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1.

Introduction

To feel is both a blessing and a curse. Love is uncanny, it blinds you to the truth, and you begin to see reality quite cloudy. You expect change, but uncertainty and hope never sail the same boat. Hence, you suffer. You suffer enough to destroy your health, and you struggle for a breath of peace. Sigh, if only it worked that way.

What was supposed to be home was a hellhole for her as she lived with a toxic man and didn’t even know it.  I saw this countless times on my couch and instantly analyzed she was married to a narcissist. They did not fathom the pathology that comes with this diagnosis, the word used ad nauseam in our society, but it typically is only us in the field who truly know the depths of this disorder. The harsh reality is, they do not change, they are impervious to treatment, and no, it is not bipolar disorder.

She made excuses for the behavior and vacillated between loving and hating him. I sat on my chair, assessing the situation, and tried my best to assist her with realizing the extent of the diagnosis while helping her cope and discussed what choices she had before her. I felt sorry for her and annoyed at her at the same time for always defending him. I could see she was in denial, or maybe it was hope influencing her. Her insight was fair at best despite her anger running deep. It was an endless cycle of despair on a merry-go-round of her life. I had seen her many times in my twenty-three-year career... so it was familiar to me, but on this day, I knew her.  I knew her quite closely, as this time when I looked at her from the couch, I saw me.

Sometimes, what you see in front of you, is a reflection of what you’ve been through.

I always wanted to write a book, but what it should be on was always the question. Professional topics and areas of expertise always made sense and came to mind, but they were never anything that I was keenly passionate about. I wanted a topic that I could begin writing on and continue writing with the same ambition. The question arising was: What was I an expert on as a psychologist? My perspective in my clinical practice with various diagnoses, working with children and families, the ins and outs on coping or incorporating mindfulness and meditation. The list goes on. Little did I know until this very moment what I wanted to write about.

My idea is twofold, it tells my story, and it combines my professional clinical expertise; it is the story of my relationship for twenty-seven years with a narcissist and how I survived through it.

Chapter One.

Little did I know that I had a front-row seat to what it was like being in a relationship and eventually in a seventeen-year marriage to a narcissist. I was collecting data for twenty-seven years and didn’t even realize it. In fact, I was entrenched in the dysfunction that I did not realize how bad it was until I started developing an interest in personality disorders. As I usually do in my life and my career, I became interested in one topic, read every book, and took every continuing education class that I could find on that area of interest. I was interested in schema therapy, an evidence-based treatment for personality disorders. I distinctly remember reading excerpts from this particular book, which contrast to other clinical books that I read, describing marriages to a narcissist, more like a day in life than a mere clinical picture of this disorder. I was sitting at home on my couch as I had a shudder come over me when the realization finally came to light in my mind. I looked up at him and thought, Oh my God, he is one of THEM.

This was an indescribable moment for me; I had always known these individuals clinically and set boundaries to treat them as a matter of practice. I always kept a clinical distance and watched over my shoulder as to what they would do next; one false move could have them angry at me for something. I just stared at him with disbelief as if my eyes were finally open to who he really was and who I had married. I did not know what to feel: fear, relief, sadness, helplessness, or pain. My feelings were at a point where I could not recognize them, and I was undoubtedly lost for a moment.  I knew what this meant for him and us; I knew the pathology and the poor prognosis for change.  

I sat with this information in silence for many months before sharing it with anyone. I tried to talk to his father, who incidentally is a psychiatrist, about it and his stepmother, a psychiatric nurse, but it did not really help much. I told my sisters and some friends of my discovery, and of course, they empathized with me, but they didn’t truly understand, and I didn’t expect them to either, as they weren’t familiar with the field. I didn’t blame them, but I felt alone. It was as if my voice was confined within walls from a different realm, as what I was saying wasn’t being heard.

Words may be a powerful tool for communication. However, they cannot help you be heard.

I even tried to tell him, but just as the book predicted, he answered as a true narcissist would...

1) Well, if I am, so are you.

2) No, I’m not. You are.

3) You don’t know what you are talking about. You are biased.

I considered this for a minute... am I a narcissist? Well, one clue that I was not was that anyone who is one is certainly not questioning that they might be. The number one defense mechanism of a narcissist is denial, projection, and gaslighting. Projection is when someone puts their own feelings onto you and says that you feel the way that they feel. The term comes from how a movie projector works, kind of like the old no, I’m not you are five-year-old sandbox jabber.

Gaslighting is a powerful manipulative tactic to make someone feel that they are the crazy one. This usually worked well on me and certainly made me doubt myself. The best way that he did this to me was when he would constantly badger me, argue with me, question me, or criticize me for hours and when I finally could not take his provoking and instigation, I would yell and scream at him to leave me alone as he would follow me around the house and intimidate me verbally and physically. When I would finally cave and yell back to defend myself, he would calmly respond, Why are you yelling and overreacting? You are the crazed one; I did not do anything to you.

I felt like I was going mad; I definitely did have a