Scars of Destiny

By Antoinette McDuffy

Here I sit, with pen in hand, writing for the 9 year-old girl who endured overwhelming heartache and pain many years ago. I write for myself, and every young child who has suffered at the hands of the ones they trusted to care for them, to raise them, to nurture them and most importantly to help them to dream. To dream of what their future could be.

I write for the 9 year-old girl who remained captive in my body, captive in my mind, and captive in my heart and soul. She had no idea on how to start her story or how it would end; she just wanted to be free. All she could see and feel was childhood pain that shackled her feet and cuffed her hands and kept her bound to the open wounds of the past. Pain is all she knew and she has longed forever to be released from it. The battle that she fought was one riddled with questions: Why did this happen to me? Why did God choose me to go through this? Why did my mom fail to protect me? Did I do something to deserve this? Questions that remain unanswered to this day. But it’s not the answers to these questions that set one on a journey of healing. It is the power to give voice to one’s reality. The voice that gives instruction on how to free yourself from constant hurt and self-inflicted pain. In this book, I give you the voice that was lost or silenced. I invite you, my readers, to go with me on this journey from hurt to healing and forgiveness.

When I began writing this book, my thoughts were that my experiences would provide healing to others. As my words started to flow and I began to relive my past, I realized that this was for me, for my own healing. I know there are many who can relate to my journey and that’s unfortunate, but it’s real. Is there anyone out there who can relate to trauma in his or her life? Your trauma is anything that has happened in your life that has created a disturbance. Maybe you lost a loved one, or were raped by someone you knew or a stranger. Perhaps you experienced a bad breakup with someone, or your parents divorced, or you personally went through a divorce or (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Whatever caused you to become deeply wounded and separated from yourself, just know that you are not alone and help is just a whisper away. I had to make some serious decisions in my life that would make me or break me. Was I prepared to deal with my deep-rooted issues that stopped me from living life to the fullest through forgiveness? Or would I allow my past of being molested as a child, abused physically, mentally and psychologically as an adult and my own self-inflicted abusive behaviors continue to hinder me? I had experienced enough negativity in my life, so I decided to try something different - Believing in me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664185326

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Copyright © 2021 by Antoinette McDuffy.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Edited by Rose Williams

Front cover photography illustration courtesy of istockphoto.com;

Grafissimo and PeoplesImages

Layout and cover design by Borel Graphics; www.borelgraphics.net

Author photograph by Studio 50 Photography

Rev. date: 07/19/2021

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

806672

CONTENTS

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1     Childhood Hurts

Chapter 2     Thorn In My Side

Chapter 3     Turning Points & Misfortunes

Chapter 4     Missing In Action

Chapter 5     Part 1 Purging Through Temporary Detour

Chapter 5     Part 2 Purging Through Temporary Detour

Chapter 6     Open Wounds

Chapter 7     Healing

Chapter 8     Scars

Chapter 9     Searched Soul

Chapter 10   Shut Down Experience

Chapter 11   Final Destiny

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to my mother, Cathy McDuffy, who has freely allowed me to write this pain filled book. Over the years we have learned how to love each other again. I know that I was a pain as a child, but you stuck with me and helped me the only way you knew how. I have forgiven you for your missteps in my life and I accept you for who you are. God doesn’t make mistakes and He chose you to birth me into this world. I thank you for life. We have come a long way and forgiveness has been our resolve. I have written this book for the both of us. This is our season together of letting go and allowing our love for each other to nourish us. I give you Scars of Destiny... I love you Momma.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my Godmother, Virginia, thank you for your faith in me and your encouraging words that kept me going at times when I wanted to give up. You kept me in a straight line. I cannot repay you for all you have done for me since I was 10 years old. My promise I made to finish this book is completed. I did it Momma!

To my wonderful readers and amazing women and men who never gave up on themselves and those who battled through the dark days. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you. Continue to be free and courageous.

Special Note: Your team makes the dream work and brings your vision into manifestation. Without a team there is no unity, without unity there is no strength and without strength there is no power. Many thanks to my editorial and production team.

Writing this book has been an exercise of endured suffering of finding myself, my voice. I blame it all on my editor, Rose Williams, for pushing me to the limits and drawing out of me one of my finest projects. I cannot help but to mention all of the sleepless nights and the ceaseless thoughts that were looming in my head that I needed to share with her, texting and calling her different hours throughout a day. I cannot forget all the tears that I shed as I indulged in writing and completing this book. I thank you for believing in me, and encouraging me, and pushing me out of my comfort zone. I also appreciate your silence, as I would try to force you to say the things I wanted to hear, as well as talk incessantly. You are a great editor and a phenomenal woman who speaks volumes when you do speak. I paid attention; you have brought life substance and existence to my book. Now that it’s a reality, I pray that this book will be everything God has destined it to be. Thank you Ms. Rose, my book editor.

A special thanks to Denise Billups, my creative book designer. You creatively mastered my vision. I remember the first call I ever made to you and told you the image I had in my head. You embraced my vision and took it to another level. I was impressed. You are a true perfectionist and always professional, no matter how many times I bugged you in a day. You took time to make sure that I was satisfied with the design. You understood my vision and my reader demographic. Denise you are such a beautiful soul. Thank you for my lovely book design.

Most importantly, thank you God, for being the one I can put all my trust in.

INTRODUCTION

Here I sit, with pen in hand, writing for the 9 year-old girl who endured overwhelming heartache and pain many years ago. I write for myself, and every young child who has suffered at the hands of the ones they trusted to care for them, to raise them, to nurture them and most importantly to help them to dream. To dream of what their future could be.

I write for the 9 year-old girl who remained captive in my body, captive in my mind, and captive in my heart and soul. She had no idea on how to start her story or how it would end; she just wanted to be free. All she could see and feel was childhood pain that shackled her feet and cuffed her hands and kept her bound to the open wounds of the past. Pain is all she knew and she has longed forever to be released from it. The battle that she fought was one riddled with questions: Why did this happen to me? Why did God choose me to go through this? Why did my mom fail to protect me? Did I do something to deserve this? Questions that remain unanswered to this day. But it’s not the answers to these questions that set one on a journey of healing. It is the power to give voice to one’s reality. The voice that gives instruction on how to free yourself from constant hurt and self-inflicted pain. In this book, I give you the voice that was lost or silenced. I invite you, my readers, to go with me on this journey from hurt to healing and forgiveness.

When I began writing this book, my thoughts were that my experiences would provide healing to others. As my words started to flow and I began to relive my past, I realized that this was for me, for my own healing. I know there are many who can relate to my journey and that’s unfortunate, but it’s real. Is there anyone out there who can relate to trauma in his or her life? Your trauma is anything that has happened in your life that has created a disturbance. Maybe you lost a loved one, or were raped by someone you knew or a stranger. Perhaps you experienced a bad breakup with someone, or your parents divorced, or you personally went through a divorce or (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Whatever caused you to become deeply wounded and separated from yourself, just know that you are not alone and help is