Learning to Love in the Wilderness: A Forty-Day Journey of Discovery in Learning to Love Myself by Accepting the Love of Jesus

By Christian Israel

Christian Israel transformed from a life full of bitterness, driven by selfishness and greed, to a life driven by love and his quest to get closer to Jesus. Through Israel’s self-discovery, he shows how important it is to accept the love Jesus offers. In Learning to Love in the Wilderness, he shares his story.

He spent forty straight days writing about his path of self-discovery. Raw and emotional, it contains his thoughts, his doubts, his struggles, and his faults. Israel confronts his past, his lies, and why he harbored so much anger and bitterness inside. By the end, he learned the true meaning of love. He accepted the love of Jesus and not only forgave himself but was able to forgive others as well. He found inner peace, the peace only God can give.

Learning to Love in the Wilderness chronicles Israel’s faith journey, discussing the process of learning to love himself by accepting the love of Jesus, becoming the man God created him to be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781663206596

Christian Israel

Christian Israel spent most of his life as a world-renowned choreographer, creative director, and speaker. However, his life came crashing down in 2016, and he served two years in prison and was released in 2019. Now, as a born-again Christian, Israel shares his passion of Christ with everyone. He is the father of two young children.

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Copyright © 2020 Christian Israel.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®). Copyright ©2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-0801-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-0659-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020916190

iUniverse rev. date: 09/04/2020

May the Lord bless you and keep you; May the Lord make his

face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;

May the Lord lift up his countenance

upon you and give you peace.

—Numbers 6:24–26

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Day 11

Day 12

Day 13

Day 14

Day 15

Day 16

Day 17

Day 18

Day 19

Day 20

Day 21

Day 22

Day 23

Day 24

Day 25

Day 26

Day 27

Day 28

Day 29

Day 30

Day 31

Day 32

Day 33

Day 34

Day 35

Day 36

Day 37

Day 38

Day 39

Day 40

Day 41

Afterword

About The Author

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to thank my mother and stepfather for all their love and support over the last season of my life. Without them, I would not be here today—and this book would not have been published. It has been their prayers for me that turned my life around.

I would also like to thank iUniverse and Susan Tolley for helping me with the edits of this book and for giving me feedback during all aspects of the publishing process. Last, and most importantly, I would like to give all praise, thanks, and glory to the one who created me, God, and the one who saved me, Jesus, for allowing me to write this book and for saving my life. I also want to thank you, the reader, for taking time to pick up this book and for reading it with an open and honest heart. May God bless this book.

wil·der·ness | \ ˈwil-dər-nəs \

Definition of wilderness (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

1 a (1): a tract or region uncultivated and uninhabited by human beings

(2): an area essentially undisturbed by human activity together with its naturally developed life community

b: an empty or pathless area or region

c: a part of a garden devoted to wild growth

2 (obsolete): wild or uncultivated state

3 a: a confusing multitude or mass

b: a bewildering situation

INTRODUCTION

I had a conversation with a friend of mine at a pivotal point in my life. During one of our last conversations, she told me that there was no way I could ever love her or anyone else because I hated myself. Well, that statement hit me hard in the heart because I knew how I truly felt about her. At that point, I had already ruined the relationship I wanted with her, and her statement put me on a road to learn how to love myself instead of hating myself. That road would improve me and eventually turn me into a real man. That road would teach me what love truly meant, and I would learn about our God and his love.

I realized that, as much as I wanted to follow God, I wasn’t really hearing his true message of love. So, I went in search of that love and what love is according to God. I spent forty-one straight days writing about my journey in this self-discovery manuscript. It gets raw. It contains my thoughts, my doubts, my struggles, and my faults. I had to confront my past, my lies, and my self-doubt. I had to confront why I had so much anger and bitterness inside and why all that surrounded my heart.

By the end of my journey, I was able to release all the things that kept me from loving myself and achieve an understanding of what it takes to love myself. More importantly, I learned what it takes to love Jesus. By accepting the love of Jesus and forgiving myself—and forgiving others as well—I learned the true meaning of love.

After forty-one days, I had written a 105-page manuscript, on long yellow legal paper, as I sat there in a cold, concrete jail cell. I sent it home and had my mom, as well as a few others, read it. After some tough discussions, I decided to move forward with sharing this manuscript, my story, with the world. If one person can learn from my experience, then it will all be worth it. God only knows what the future holds.

Learning to love myself has allowed me to love others. I have found inner peace, the peace only God can give. This road I took taught me how to love myself by accepting the love of Jesus. I am finally the man God created me to be, but it wasn’t easy getting to this point. I hope you are able to take advantage of my road map to love, which I discovered through my search of the scriptures, and run with it.

I have tried to recreate events, locales, and conversations from my memories of them. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. May the God who so loved the world that he gave his only Son bless you as you read about my journey.

DAY 1

December 20, 2017

10:30 p.m.

T oday is the first day I feel alone. Today is the first day I truly realize people will not stand with me the whole time I am in jail and then prison. It has been twenty days since I was convicted of criminal sexual assault, a class 1 felony, in Small-Town, Illinois. It was a crime I did not commit, but now that is neither here nor there. I have done a lot of things in my life, but this crime I didn’t do. I have tried to convince myself to lie and say I did it so on sentencing day, I have the chance to receive a lighter sentence on behalf of the judge. At this time, I cannot bring myself to do it.

I wrestle every day with the idea that I should have pled guilty two years ago; this would all be over by now. The original charge was aggravated criminal sexual abuse, a class 2 felony. I would have gotten probation and would have never spent another day in jail. Instead, I now find myself sitting here in this county jail, awaiting my sentencing hearing. It will be held on February 12, 2018. I am facing anywhere between four and fifteen years in prison. There are a lot of thoughts on my mind. So instead of writing others, I thought it was time to write out my own thoughts and story. I don’t know where I should begin. Should I start with what brought me to begin writing? Maybe I should go back to the beginning. It seems best if I start with the present.

Today was a bad phone call day. My mom is stressing. And I haven’t spoken to the woman I love, and who I thought loved me, in at least six days. I’m pretty sure she spent the past couple of days with her ex-boyfriend, albeit because a friend of hers passed away, and they went to Northern Illinois together. She never told me that she was with him, but my gut feeling tells me so. I’m trying to decide if I even truly want to know. I feel like I might be better off without her—the worrying about her anyway. She told me I have nothing to worry about, but I can’t seem to believe her. I won’t allow myself to believe her. My trust in women has been completely broken. There are a lot of reasons why, and I’ll eventually get to those, but for now, there are three women in my life: my girlfriend, my daughter, and my mother.

As I sit here writing this, my cellmate, Mike, a forty-seven-year-old black man from Chicago, is watching TV. My first observations of him are that he has good intentions and seems like a nice guy. There are four of us in this fifteen-by-fifteen space. I know this will sound strange, but all four men in this cell are innocent of the charges that have been brought against them. Jarrod has been here for seven months, waiting to hear something back from the court. The victim he is accused of assaulting has recanted her statement to the police and told the state’s attorney that she lied, but Jarrod is still sitting here. Mike is here for BWB (breathing while black). I don’t know if I am able to write about this, but Small-Town County has a very corrupt court system, which I will get to in more detail when I talk about my case. For now, I am just sharing the mood, not the how, why, when, and whatever else will be talked about.

My writings will be a mixture of the past, the present, and the future possibilities of my life: raw thoughts, details, emotions, and my daily encounters mixed with what led me here. Some days, I’ll be happy, and some days, I’ll be sad. Some days, I’m sure I’ll be mad, but one thing you can be sure of is I believe this all had to happen. I believe in the Lord Almighty, and I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I am not a perfect human, and I will never claim to be one. I don’t even know if anyone will ever read this, but I am going to share my story in writing anyway. If it speaks to you, maybe you can share it too. I am not a writer, but I will do my best to communicate with you through my words. I don’t know how my story will turn out, but I will keep on documenting it until the end. For now, I am going to lay my head down. If this were a movie, the screen would fade to black as I close my eyes and go to sleep, followed by a cut to a scene of the birth of my child. But this isn’t a movie, and I don’t get to choose the scenes.

DAY 2

December 22, 2017

12:00 a.m.

T he TV went off about ten minutes ago, and I had just finished doing my nightly Bible reading. Today was different; yesterday was tough. I woke up today as a desperate and lost man, looking to hear from God. I asked him if he was going to speak to me or just let me be.

As I was working out, Jarrod looked at me and said, You need to get realigned with God. You don’t quite look like yourself this morning. I prayed this morning that you will be able to get ahold of Alex.

My initial thought was that there was no way I was going to call her. Why should I? I prayed a lot of things last night, but one specific thing was for God to please speak to me directly or indirectly if he wanted me to keep myself alive. And if Alex was truly put in my life by God, I asked him to show me and confirm to me that it was his will.

I was destined, in my own mind at least, to end my life. I felt useless and unlovable. I needed God to tell me if he even wanted me to be alive. It seemed like everything he had done for me over the past two years had been wasted.

I took a shower and tried to shake off the funk I had fallen into, but I couldn’t. I made myself call Alex. I convinced myself to call her one more time, but I didn’t expect her to pick up. I was certain that she was going to leave me—if she hadn’t already. I honestly think I made the call to prove to myself that she was done with me.

The clock struck ten, and I made the move to call her. I picked up the phone, dialed, and entered my inmate ID and then my pass code.

You have three hundred and seventy-one minutes remaining, said the automated system.

I exhaled as the phone rang, and then I heard a click.

Your call has been accepted.

She had picked up.

Hi, I said.

Hello, she responded.

I was very hesitant to speak. I felt tongue-tied. She immediately went into why we hadn’t spoken in the past few days. The phone kept disconnecting, even though I have been accepting your calls, she said.

(Side note: When I make a call to anyone, the operator says one of the following: the person I called didn’t answer, accepted the call, or refused the call.) For the past few days, when I attempted to call her, I would get the your call has not been accepted response. Hearing this from the operator over the past few days was part of the reason I had begun my mental backslide. More accurately, it felt like a mental breakdown.

Alex and I talked for about fifteen minutes, mainly about what she had been up to. She had a friend’s funeral in Springfield. However, the reason she went up to Northern Illinois with one of her roommates (who happens to be her ex-boyfriend’s sister) and her dad was to help them pack up their house. Obviously, based on my entry yesterday, I thought something different.

I said, I really don’t want to tell you what has been on my mind the past few days since you and I haven’t talked.

You really need to learn to stay away from the major emotional swings, she replied.

She was completely right. I can try to do my best, but my best hasn’t been good enough. Staying away from emotional swings over the past two years has been very difficult for me.

As we were conversing, she received a called from her boss. Can you call me back in thirty minutes? she asked.

The conversation was over for now. Next, I tried to call my lawyer. No answer. Then I attempted to call one of my mentors, who also happens to be a lawyer. No answer. Finally, I tried one of the pastors from my church who I had gotten close with over the past year. After trying to connect with him for the past few weeks, this attempt was successful.

How are you doing? he asked.

We spoke about a few things and about how I was feeling in general.

I asked if he could give my parents some love for me. Our conversation covered several topics: the prison I might be going to, how long I thought I would be in prison, and what people and the media were saying about me and my conviction. All in all, we had a pretty good conversation. Really, I just appreciated someone taking the time to speak with me. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I picked up the black receiver again and called Alex back. She answered and that’s when it all began.

Alex might not be the most upfront person, but she is a very direct person. So, when she began speaking to me, it felt more like God was speaking directly to me. Well, God was using her to speak his words to me: Your mom is stressing and hurting because she believes you are innocent.

Now, before I continue, as I said in the beginning, I am innocent of the crime I was found guilty of at trial: criminal sexual assault. I have never used my position of power to sleep with anyone, let alone an underage girl. I have done a lot of things that I shouldn’t have, but using my influence and power to take advantage of women or girls is not one of them. I have never made any woman do anything against her will. This doesn’t mean I haven’t mistreated them because I have used and taken for granted almost every woman I have ever known.

Alex continued, I know you, Charles. I am your soul mate, so I know when you are lying and when you are telling the truth. I know you were stupid. A stupid man in your twenties. I know you have made many mistakes that you are ashamed of, that you are guilty of … that you continue to beat yourself up for.

My