To Blag a Safe Forever

By Ostravious

A compendium of poetry, stories and philosophy written between 1050 B.C. and 27909 A.D. which has a semi-autobiographical feel. A feeling of paranoia surges through the veins of this literary effort. From juxtaposed perspectives we interpret life on our sexy planet and others, judging it if only because it is in our nature to judge, appraise and therefore obtain opinion if not knowledge itself. In addition to which there is a rude joke about a pig, sci-fi from 1,000 millennia ago, morphine-laden ruminations on the nature of animals, a comedy sketch where the entire gag is based upon a simple yet versatile pun, and a tender, hearty section on adolescent lust. And then some.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Dec 26, 2019
• ISBN: 9781728397139

Ostravious

Ostravious resembles a gigantic, legendary, malnourished, massively mutated sea beast, both sexless and prone Ostravious lives in Winchester the old capital of England Spends his time painting, writing, playing guitar, and travelling through time and space in alternate dimensions, often irking demigods. Or just watching tv. He’s got cable, and rather enjoys watching his beloved Liverpool fc. Physically ostravious is 42, but as time is absolutely relative he is actually 186,000 years old. Has a degree in sociology from UEA Has psychic powers that he believes were obtained when bitten by a spider while on acid. Doesn’t actually do much, mostly just sits around Believes he could well hold the record for saying the word ‘High’ the most amount of times during one song.

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© 2020 Ostravious. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  12/23/2019

ISBN: 978-1-7283-9712-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-9711-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-9713-9 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

A Short Love Letter

Alphabet Snuff – ‘E’

Alphabet Snuff pt 2

Alphabet Snuff Part 3 – The ‘R’

A Tale of a Horse and a Bee

At All

I Beat

Broken-Hearted Dog/Happy Dog

Lonely Horse

Spider

Pretty Bee

Fishes (Interlude)

Fishes

Cat

Pig

Elephant

Smell

Bitches

C7 95p

Cold

Goodbye

Negative Abstraction

Not About Her

Horse Song

Quotes o’Mine

Secret Quotes

Alehouse Rant

O God, How beautiful thou art

Like ass tampons

Wait

Possessed by God

Ms Ogeny

Sad Sun

Self Diagnostic

You’ve Got To, Singh

Singh Part Two

Sunday Night Sessionz

Sword Sorcery

You Be Gettin’ The Fear Part One

YBGF part Two – You Be Talkin…you be talkin at all let alone talkin’ shit

Three Weeks?!? Trois?

Where?

Within My Melon

Witness

Iller Than Illness* Lyrics**

Freestyle Champion

Easy As Radio 2-3-4

Rhyme Hell

Cypher of Seven Teabags

Brief Earth Report

The Paranoia Song Part One

The Paranoia Song Part 2

The Paranoia Song Part Three

Liverflinch - The Plastic Red

Football Pt. 3

Football Pt 3

Liverpool F.C. Part Four

Football Pt. 5

Fucking Pigs

Counting Love

Part Two Counting Love Too

Counting Love Three…3…Three

Part Four Inside Norris’s Apartment

Part Six (6)

Cardboard Sofa Filla Pt 1 – Stars and Space

The Snooks Song

Boxing Pt 1

Boxing Pt 2 - Repartee

Boxing Pt 3

I Must Kill Things

When Telepathic Experience Stop

This, What Was A False Confession

The Red Folder

My Foot Pain!

Why Am I in Hospital…At All?

Maybe I Was Listening To Too Much Beatles And Tempting Fate.

Not Like Epsilon Gamma Regis Eight

Cross Words

Damaged Leg Blues

Naked

Oh, My Hero

At All

I Should Have Known

It’s not like I invented Death, man

All Alone

I’m Such A Fucking Loser

Yo’ Momma be a Hoe

Waiting for One A.M. The Oromorph Anthem

I Wanted You

See It’s not that Easy

Hotel Hospital

Just Keep It Coming

Horsebox – The Story So Far

A tale of a Horse, Pig, and a Bee

The Day Before Valentines

Take Two

Star Trek Stuff

The Smell of Anti-Time Project AKA Spinal Tap 2 – Smell The Love

Sex, AKA Girls I Want To Fuck

Porno Sluts

Sorry For Existing at All a Message To an Uncaring Universe

Letter to Andromeda

Letter to the Milky Way

For The Doctor/s of Thomas Johnson by Thomas Johnson

My Capital by Thomas M Johnson 27/02/77

Part Two Counting Love Too

A Short Love Letter

Ight man?

Don’t wanna be rude but

I love you more than I love Mark Hendrix

chased to bed by Islamic Fundamentalists

borderline fatwa

and chill out completely

the only supposed obsession thats genuine

but I wouldn’t trust me

would love to put my arms around a memory

the number of weird connections we got together numbers eight hundred and three

Alphabet Snuff – ‘E’

MCXP

So what where u come from

Halifax to F off to Mc D

I be three older than thirty three

Sky took £88.88 out of five p

what /chav m/f I got a degree

Like i’m doing anything other than fiending

For the Antique Legal Amphetamine

Later i’m’a get a q of green,

Bein’ happy 4 me, I don’t expect 2 Cn

As N pull up u question which district with some speed, southside, I believe

Like it’s a who’s poorer convention, I see

You Younger, nowhere else to be

This ain’t a if-u-dont-behave-u-be-like-Me

My shit sorted, homey, relatively

Recently got out of internal Hell, Hell times three

Bein happy 4 me, I don’t expect 2 C

Kid, what happenin’ in the Winchester scene?

All there is is u lot and dodgy OAP

Nero like want some coffee in your sugar honey?

Back 2 basics, this shit all sounds like ‘E’

After Last evenin’ I was talkin’ to he

Seems he get problems with infinity

Nothing to do with Whisky Death Disease

We’re all dyin, man, feel sorry 4 Me

Certain Gonner experience less than fifty percent

Either it just lyric or u personal 2 me

If it’s both u significantly shifty

If it wasn’t announced wouldn’t give a S-H-I-T

All I really want is your Peace

Fuck that, in Death that’s what we achieve

Lifeless Nothing Void Afterlife, that nasty

Careful who u pray to, homey

Imagine praying to Me

And after the hilarity

Imagine Life without me, that easy

Imagine Death without me, that queasy

feelin u get be worry,

and that car be Police, next a Taxi, next its you lookin at me, age years 20

Another Rozzer then an Audi TT

Punks scared ’cos the Lawman got they frequency,

Lemmy blames me

First its the Hippy

Then Ravers all High off E

Yo look at the year, it 2-0-1-3

Since what, since one J, Winchy

Anno Domini, thats Roman, oh the sacred irony

Yeah ’cos Romans killed him, you see?

Latin still in Italy, and shit, and muchos legally,

and also Doctor Who’s Perfect Army

Thanks for saying it’s Deep

This is a lot of same-sounding-shit 2 put on 3 Sheet’

Legion links with Satanism, then the Nazi?

We are many, thats what the grams say 2 me

Weeke and Harestock, thats Bus number three!

Yo Rome got Sacked by a disorganised entity

Venta Belgarum was our Capital, previously

When I was GCSE, 2,000 A.D. Unimaginable 2 Me

Party forever i’m not gonna be, you obviously on 3 E

So Kid, into College then University, hopefully

U Dumb like the chosen one u need a trade, see?

Can’t you interpret this as Modern Christianity?

Multi-Faith Behemoth, evidently this a Deity

PEEEEEEECE for 2-0-1-3 MCXP

4 4 Winch Side, u jokin’ me

I already said Peace

Is there Peace in necessary Loyalty?

Shit be straight Treason Recently

Endangering the country, ain’t that the MP?

Our stupidity, heathen beliefs and sodomy

Smell that chemical smell, that comin’ from me

I do this to Exist, I don’t do this 4 free

That chick across the road, she lookin’ at me

My Being in Maccy D afta 10-30

Implies absolute loyalty and dedication at least

Not at all sorta, only here cos of unavailability of speed

Written on a computer, People think I use a PC to rhyme, probably

This not possible, MCXP

Testing self to extremity, for the Love of God, can’t you acknowledge the knowledge publicly

Judge me now, schooly, I get injected I stil angry

Fuck this shit who follow me?

Alphabet Snuff pt 2

Ahhhh

An o’Lo’

The R

The Sacred Letter

Autistic better than modern computers

The Prophet Allah

Who is this brother?

Beg for Mercy, tell me, and Have Mercy, fella

Witnessed fairly, Worldwide i’d get a Medal, Silver

Colour of Rakim Allah’s be something that, somehow

Got made into a medallion, good look in the bath

lol except you actually are

Alex Ferguson on Earth Management, now

Said he was going inside for a while

Well so’s Harry, mate, that’s how they know each other

Tax Evasion and taking Southampton down

I made him Manager cos he’s a funny Geezer, mathematically sound

The R, Baby, the letter after that is Round

Extra Terrestrials worship me, they call me Og, for my Cause They’re Down

Sun Worshipped, it can justify my Ego and make me invulnerable to Man

When threatening just to survive, self protection and Morals carry synonymity

And it could only happen under a Conservative Government, thats what they say, wanna

My Global opinion melded unwisely with genuine x-files reports be

Joe says it’s imagination, it already Happen

Why is this better than your best simulation

Adolescent it may be, think you’re better, that be Your imagination

I proved it time and time again

I recently performed the Black album and got a thousand Yen

S looks back at times we would happily go Stunting

I’m the type to do your time for you, i’ll be suffering in the Mental Pen

I been punished for the murder of people who still live in the Physical Realm

Your life is pretty funny, and it’s all on film

You should own the image rights, what about Almighty God’s?

God didn’t believe in Himself, proved he didn’t exist, and exits Universe 12,834

A Cry and a ham sarnie with Mustard that’s looked upon in Alpha Centauri sentimentally

Leave you weeping with grief

Grateful for the time you spend with me

Pretty soon it’ll be Priorities and Cleaning Ya Teef

Im Keen, Commander of Stuff, like 4e

Its like mass hypnosis, maybe Godzilla become the local MP

I have your vote

Its nothing to worry about cos its already happened in the Higher Dimensional

When I walk in to the room people take Vows

a legend in most Hoods, for the record i’m C___, similar to 316 or 7, never been around

When I make contact there be an audible Ow

Known for Pugilistic skills, I knocked more than three out

Yes I can sort you some white out

Why should I get into trouble

A concept be getting Out Of Jail time for doing Good things and Kind, if you get done its taken directly against your sentence, if it’s less than the /State owes you as a Reward as well as Punishment ie Prison, then u stay out of prison. What are rewardable acts, what can get you Free Time? Man this is cool cos its the opposite of prison, thats a threat for being punished for bad behaviour etc, this is reward being Religiously ‘Good’ tho good and bad to me are both Absolute Moral terms and also things you’d say to enforce a Dog’s behaviour

Jesus was Right and Left, if you wanna slogan

Better than Heaven, Faster than God, Less Masculine than Jesus

When you say ‘I’ you mean Me

Free Drugs, that’s an inevitability

Legalising and Taxing leaf

be Morally and Financially prudent, man give it to the Elderly for free

A Miracle, sayin’ that type of thing they’ll be

Big screen TV

Look at how generously I help the OAP

Still a good indicator of how our society be

Government Quangos conclude as much when they meet

But no one sayin it, not one MP

Under Ashdown it was voted as Policy, you don’t remember ’cos you were unborn, or smokin Weed

Its the most obvious move, Legalise and Tax

Appointee the most trusted, legal dealing

Make it available to the Elderly, at least

You don’t own it, it grows naturally

Look at the pain relief

Vera and Edna be crying with laughter, someone sparked a Blunt with nearly a ‘teenth

Yeah and making it legal gonna help your pension

Don’t patronise me, Sonny, they’ll say

I know its obvious like it is to me but that ain’t Reality

It’s not debated as policy

Declassifying a word I associate with CIA

I could get snuffed from fourty miles away

But you don’t wanna be the one who takes my life, homey

Like in Now You Be Getting Fear scenario, I know this is inconsistent, baby

It surely be an adept MC who makes R’s sound like all of these

Neymar signed for Barca recently, if u don’t enjoy him with Messi u don’t like footy

its the best game on Earth, I had to apologise for it embarrassingly

Indicating Games be better in the Outer Space Scene, better than football, better than chess

Better than Us, apart from me obviously

i’m not arrogant i’m naïve

Native to this Planet, that’s how we’ll all Deify

I compose my brain intelligently

But Autistics spend weeks between thoughts, oh my minds so detailed etc

Gimme a min i’m gonna roll up some green

for real

Alphabet Snuff Part 3 – The ‘R’

As I Laugh

Like Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha

Singin’ Sha La La La La

Well, Sir, As if i’m Schooling Salah

Saying Salah is Praising Allah

U may as well buy a Holy Qur’an

Man, I can only yawn

For their efforts to impress Crown

Came up short

By Far

I’m The Greatest Ever

Maybe you think i’m a Rapper

Also, other things also.

Like Football Manager

As Advertised by Watford Athletic

Didn’t Lex Luther / Luther Blisset

Not freestyle on his Computer

Yo, in my head be Dizzee Rascal

Yo, in our negroes head be an HUD

Dat stallion can defy gravity, applaud

A Tale of a Horse and a Bee

Once upon a time there was a Horse and there was a Bee. They had been the best of friends for as long as either of them could remember. Every day the Horse would say I Love You, Beetroot the Bee, for that was her name. And little Beetroot would say I Love You, Wendy the Horse, for that was the horses name. They both enjoyed the words very much. Indeed, the first thing the Bee did, when he woke up, was to look for the Horse. Beetroot did not have to look far, for the beautiful Horse was in the stables with him, for the Bee had made a little Bee house out of straw and other things he found. He would make a buzzing sound until Wendy woke up, which was always very soon. Wendy the Horse would smile at her Bee friend, and after that it was often a race to tell the other I Love You, for they loved each other very much. And, one day, on a whim, the Bee, Beetroot, asked Wendy the Horse if she would marry him. She said Yes and they both wept tears of joy, and they loved each other Forever.

At All

dedicated to to fine body of doctors and nurses in RHCH,

Winchester, and, really, ICU and Shawford Wing

for saving my life

and dealing with some really shady shit.

Nobody said that enemas were pretty, but...man…

and the mighty, proud, godly, clean, humble, beautiful, resilient, holy, hard galaxy of Andromeda! R

Try and get it together…then, maybe, keep it together, Prince Purple…Kid Purple? The Purple Poet?

Let’s try your little song about wife beating. I believe it was in a Country style? Man, you don’t have a wife to beat, let alone…oh! You gonna type it out, dude? Awww c’mon. Just f’n do it. Action…do we have to sing to you? OK here’s your cue. In…three…two….one...and…

I Beat

I beat my wife

I beat my wife

I beat my wife

My wife left

So I beat my Dog

I beat my wife

I beat my wife

I beat my wife

’Til there’s none left

Then I beat my dog

That lucky Dog

Got fed every day

Yup

I took Lionel for walkies every morn

I threw a stick

Lionel returned it

And now he’s maybe regretting that he did

I beat my wife

And I beat my dog

And now that they both gone away

I need something to beat so what the hey

I need something to beat

So now I beat my fish

yeah that’s nice, man. You got a bit more? We know. There’s a bit of money around that says you can extend it at the end, a freestyle if you like. If you can get back in that headspace. That’s cool. We understand. And we’re not running out of patience, you are. With them. The others. We need you to write about them. Anyway, on with your poem. Andromeda Style, Baby. Yeah!

I beat my wife

I beat my dog

I beat my wife and dog and now I beat my fish

Well if I owned an ant

I’d get my magnifying glass

And burn that mo

Rog we don’t think you should write ‘Motherfucker’ there. You swore a lot in the last collection. The last thing we want to do is censor or alter your sacred texts. Just this once can you not put ‘And Burn That Motherfucker’? OK? OK!

Andromedan Style is complete. Faith in you is redeemed. C’mon man, no’ones getting any younger, not like on Epsilon sha la la. E-8 to us. Yes, and 9. Take a swim sometime. Yes skinnydipping is allowed! Yes it can get like that bit in futurama, if we don’t like you. But we do like you :) So Carry On. That poor