How Me and the Mrs Destroyed Capitalism

By R. J. White

A silly story about a man and his wife and how they go about handling their new found abilities along their journey to helping out with the second coming of Christ.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 30, 2019
• ISBN: 9781546215141

R. J. White

The author is 53 and has been married for 24 years now. Together they raised his wife’s sister’s 3 kids from the ages of 1.5, 5, and 7. He normally describes this event as” add water have kids.” Because of his positive experience with this he is a big believer in the “rent to own” process of raising kids.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

It was pretty much like any other day, the sun was shining the birds were singing, except for the fact that it was A) my 50th birthday B) my wife had given me brain melting sex that morning and C) after lunch with my wife, Lil, I started to hear a voice in my head. My wife and I normally have lunch together every afternoon. Afterwards, we normally share a cab back to her office and from there I normally take it back to the house or back to the shop. But it wasn’t a normal day.

It’s been almost nine years since this all happened and of course I can remember it like it was yesterday. After I dropped her off and she kissed me goodbye, a voice came inside my head and said, Happy birthday Jake! I knew it wasn’t the cabbie but that didn’t stop me from asking. When he answered, he had a broken English accent from someplace Mediterranean, I think. No Jacob, the cabbie isn’t talking to you. I am, the voice said. And no, you’re not going insane. I would recommend that you get out of the car as soon as possible, so that the cabbie doesn’t think you’re a nutjob. As disturbing as this all was to me, that seemed like a good idea. As I got out of the cab on the corner of Wacker and Michigan, the voice instructed me to cross over Michigan and walk south down the street until I hit a restaurant named The Chosen Few. I couldn’t help but think there might be something in the name of the restaurant that had me going there. As I walked in, the place reminded me of an upscale Friday’s. There was a bar in front and walkways to both the left and right that allowed you to go back to the dining area. I started to walk over to the right side when the voice in my head said that I was getting colder. As I continued through the door the voice said, You’re getting, colder, colder. As I started to look down the right-hand side of the dining area the voice said, Colder means you’re going the wrong way. You really suck at this. In a loud voice I said, PISS OFF! With that everyone in the dining area turned and looked at me. Sorry, I said in an apologetic manner as I waved a little. Everyone in the restaurant still stared at me. Carry-on, I said in a stern voice. They all then went back to their own business. As I looked around the restaurant, I saw a man in the booth on the other side of the room, holding his hand up, waving me over. I’m right here, the voice said. As I walked over, I could see he was about ten or so years older than me. He had a beard and mustache that was in the process of graying, but he was still in very good shape. He stood up to greet me and held his hand out to shake mine and while doing so in my head I heard him say, My name is Jess Christiansen. It is a pleasure to finally and formally meet you. He then let go of my hand and gestured that I should be seated and, in my head said, Please. The expression on his face was as though he were talking to me out loud. With a big smile on his face he thought to me, I would love to tell you that this is what happens when you turn fifty and nobody’s allowed to say anything about it, but that’s not what’s happening here. What in God’s name is happening here? I said out loud. In God’s name indeed, he returned with a smile. I can assure you this is all happening with God’s blessing. And what exactly is, this all? I thought back. He thought to me, Are you familiar with the 144,000? I’ve heard of it, I thought, but I really don’t know what the deal is. Only 144,000 are supposed to go back to heaven? Sort of, he thought back. The Bible got that part wrong. 144,000 of us will visit the heavens, claim our gifts, and then will come back and help mankind find their way to God upon Christ’s return. Really, I thought in a sarcastic manner. And I’m one of those 144,000? Yes, you are, he thought back. Really? I thought again. Are you sure you have the right guy? I have a fairly checkered past that doesn’t really keep up with the standards that are offered up, or maybe put forth, in the Bible? First off, he thought, God doesn’t make mistakes. And second, even though you strike me as a brilliant, lucky goof ball who hasn’t come close to living up to his creative potential, God chose you anyway. You sound like my father-in-law, I thought. Or at least you think like he sounds, I thought with a grin. As he chuckled, he thought, There is a good reason God has chosen you, no matter what your past is. What seems to be most important is the person you’ve become after all these years. So, I thought, this has something to do with all my untapped creativity, huh?

The waitress then came over and asked Jess if everything was alright and then looked at me and asked if there was anything she could get me. What was interesting, is that I could tell she found me attractive. When she looked at me, she pulled her shoulders back, threw her chest out, her pulse quickened and her pupils dilated. It was all so subtle, I was surprised I had noticed any of it. I have no idea how I figured out her pulse had quickened. I stammered a bit and said, I’ll have an iced tea. Ok, she said with a big smile and walked off. As I looked over to Jess with a look of complete dismay, he thought to me while he started to laugh, If only we could have done this in the days of our youth. We could have gotten laid every night, right! I started laughing too. I guess so, I said out loud.

While still being taken aback by all this, it dawned on me that laughing, and all our emotions seemed to need to be physically expressed. That’s right, he thought. Feeling is the language of God, so it affects us the most. You could see what was happening with the waitress because that veil, you’ve heard of all your life, is being pulled away and the universe is opening to you. I’m guessing that one of the reasons you were chosen is because of your ability to take on very complex topics. You know how to dumb them down and explain them by creating pictures that anyone could understand. To you it seems like a very logical process, but I can assure you not everyone can do it. Really? I thought. That’s right. It’s how Einstein processed his theories. Really? I said out loud. I always knew I was smart but the only thing I thought I had in common with Einstein were bad hair days. Jess laughed.

It started to dawn on me that this was really happening. Somehow, I absolutely knew that everything Jess was telling me was the truth. As if having a telepathic conversation wasn’t proof enough. Jess raised his eye brows and thought to me, It’s starting to sink in isn’t it? I’m thinking it is. So, I’m supposed to go to heaven to receive my gifts? Is that right? How does that all work? And isn’t my family going to freak out about this? Lil, my wife, is definitely going to freak out. When I tell her, No really honey, I was chosen by God. She’s going to think I’m lost in a Blues Brothers movie. As I started to picture myself in a dark Blues Brothers suit with sunglasses and a hat, I heard Jess laughing in my head, No, no Jake, this is an honest to God blessing, get it. You and Lil will be able to share many of the gifts but not all of them. Some are for you and you alone. But just so you know, everybody who is a part of this, we’re all happily married. I don’t want to get in too deep on this part right now but you need her because she makes you the man you are. Without her you’d be a criminal. Probably a world class criminal but a criminal nonetheless. I always thought I’d be a spy if I hadn’t met Lil. You would have started off as a spy, he thought back, but we’re getting off the point which is, you need her. You’re a team. So, let’s talk about what’s going to happen. For the next one or two days you’re not going to sleep a wink. Don’t worry, you won’t be tired in the least. Luckily, the boys are at school and once Lil falls asleep or goes to work, you’ll be able to start meditating. I know you do this already, but now it’s going to be different. Now, the universe is going to fill and expand your mind. Remember when you did mushrooms in college those few times? You know about that? Yes, I do, he answered with a laugh. That was nothing compared to the sensations and information you’re about to experience. At the same time, it’s completely controllable. Just close your eyes, slow you breathing and the world is going to break away from you. You’ll see. Most of it will come to you in the form of a feeling. Now as far as Lil goes, I would try not to tell her for the first day or so. And try to stay away from her after the first meditation because you’re going to be goofy. It’s quite an overload, and she may think something is really wrong with you. On the other hand, once you have gotten a grip on things it will be easy to convince her of what is happening to you both. Her too? I thought. Oh yeah Jake, you’ll need to tell her once you feel the time is right. How will I know that? I thought. Jess thought back, You will absolutely know. Really, I thought again. And what gifts am I supposed to wind up with? I started thinking of Superman and Spiderman. Jess thought back, I don’t think you’ll be spinning any webs or flying anytime soon. Actually, I have no idea what they will be, but I can tell you that you have a close relationship with the angel, Uriel. Do you know who he is? Jess seemed very happy about this. Not really, I thought, he’s an archangel, right? One of the big ones always mentioned? He sure is! He’s all about wisdom and service! Jess explained grinning from ear to ear. Wisdom and service? I thought, What kind of gifts am I supposed to get with that combination? So far, Jess thought, there’s only a handful of others who have any association with any angels, much less an archangel.

As I was pondering my angelic good fortune the waitress came back with my tea. As she set it down, she asked if there would be anything else with a semi seductive grin. No thanks, I thought. As she walked off, out of the corner of my eye I had noticed she turned back and looked at us. Jess thought, You need to be careful about that. About what? I thought. Her? I would never…. No, no, no, he cut me off. You spoke to her telepathically. I did? I blurted out loud. You did, he said with a nod. You need to be careful about it. After a while you’ll have a grip on it but until you do, it can make for some crazy situations.

So, listen up, I’m going to visit you both in a few days to see how things are going and to answer some better questions. Better questions? I thought. You’ll see, he thought back. For now, try not to talk with the cabby on the way home in case you slip. You may read him and answer a question he hasn’t even asked. Also, I wouldn’t take any of those late-night rides for at least a week or so. Listen, I know it’s overwhelming, but I promise it’ll start getting fun before you know it. Hey, I said, you said there were others, so what number am I? Congratulations Jake you’re the 100th 144,000.

CHAPTER 2

As I got into the cab, I could tell the driver was preoccupied with thoughts of his pregnant wife who was to give birth soon. He was all over the board thinking of current bills, future bills, time to spend with the baby. The ride home is normally a fifteen to twenty-dollar fare, but for some reason I just gave him the three hundred and twenty-two bucks in my wallet and told him to go home to be with his wife. He thanked me profusely and from what I could tell that’s just what he had in mind when he drove off. It made me think back to when Lil and I first had Jake Jr, then back to college when we first met. That’s when it hit me, I killed a guy. Three guys actually but two of them I always considered self-defense. This didn’t seem like something God would just forget about or just pass over. Perhaps some background info would help out here.

By the time I was seven I was a ranked ninth in Missouri for chess. School was a breeze and in the early days I often went to the library to find something interesting to pass my time. I enjoyed Ralph Waldo Emerson and Popular Mechanics mostly, but I read everything. Math was easy to remember because it was so logical. So, for about two months one summer I studied as much as I could and then never gave it a serious second thought. At least not until college. What I loved most, was working on cars, soccer and electronics. My father had died by the time I turned nine. My mother had to work but we weren’t exactly hurting. Evidently, dad had left a fair amount of life insurance. I didn’t watch too much TV except for Saturday afternoons. I would only veg out in front of the TV if there were any Abbott and Costello, Bowery Boys, Martin and Lewis or James Bond movies on, and there almost always were. The only time I could stay up for the late show was if there was an Elvis Presley movie showing. My mother loved Elvis. If there was something else on, I didn’t care about it. I played one sport: Soccer. To this day I love playing or just watching the Chicago Fire play.

When I turned ten years old, a guy down the street where I lived, asked me if I wanted to go in with him on building Willy’s Jeeps. He found an outlet where if you bought in bulk, you could get a Willy’s jeep for fifty bucks, but you had to assemble it yourself. You also had to pay five hundred dollars for ten at a time and have someplace to keep all the parts. My parents had put money aside for me and after pleading with my mom she finally let me do it. I was never short on money again.

I have a sister who is three years older named Nancy, but all my life I called her Nan. She’s basically got that whole first born alpha super success thing going on. She got her first job when she was thirteen doing the books for a company in town. She talked her way into the position. I frequently recall being told that, with the exception of my schoolwork, I should try to be more like her. As we got older, we became closer but when we were young, she did give me one of my most valued gifts. Nan was cute and popular and so were all her friends. Learning how to talk to pretty girls at an early age was a wonderful gift. My only problem then was finding one I could stand to listen to. Every now and again I wound up talking to a woman in her twenties, but oddly enough they never wanted to have sex with an eleven-year-old.

By the time I was fourteen I was running with some wild crowds. I’ve never been much of a drinker, but I smoked a lot of pot, stole cars, and sometimes even sent a few to the bottom of the Meramec River. There were lots of parties in the city as well so that’s where I wound up. Sometimes there were bikers, gangsters, certainly drug dealers. I just loved the action and I always thought far enough out not to get caught. I blame my cavalier attitude in all this on the example that was predominant in all those Elvis movies.

I recall the day when a friend / acquaintance asked me to help out on a drug deal and stuck a gun in my hand. I remember thinking, finally some real action. That night we were waiting for the other guys to show up in the alley. It was just north of the central west end in downtown St. Louis. Rick, my friend, hid the money behind the dumpster. When the other guys showed up, I was surprised because they were older and much bigger than I expected. There were three of them and I knew one of them. His name was Simmy. He was a jerk. He gave me a nod when he recognized me. The guy opened up his suitcase and it was filled with pot and cocaine. Ok big guy I’ve shown you mine, he said while he motioned to his goods. I watched Rick as he went to get his briefcase with the money and when he popped out from behind the dumpster the third guy on the other side pulled out a gun while moving behind the bigger guy. He stepped out and shot Rick twice in the chest. I jumped behind the dumpster and pulled out my gun. I heard Simmy say, Kill that little bitch and let’s get out of here. I heard them start to walk toward me so I stuck the gun over the dumpster and started shooting. When I stopped, I looked up and they were all on the ground. I came out from behind the dumpster and walked over and found the first two dead. Simmy on the other hand only appeared to have a bullet in his shoulder. As I stood over him, he said, I always thought you were a pussy. When I get out of here, I’m gonna kill you and your whole damn family. I know who your sister is. I’m gonna get her and… He stopped as I raised the gun towards his face. He laughed out and said, you don’t have the… I then squeezed the trigger. But the gun was empty. I had no idea how many times I fired at them. He had stopped laughing for a brief moment but then started up again. I looked over and saw the gun the other guy had and got it. When I turned back, he stopped laughing and started to say that he was only kidding. But I shot him in the face anyway. I was surprised when the top of his head popped off like it did. The whole time I only remember thinking that there’s no way you’re coming after my family. When I turned around, I saw the briefcase full of money and grabbed it and started to leave but then I turned around and saw the suitcase full of drugs, so I went back and got it. I looked the place over and saw there was nothing there to link me to it. I grabbed Rick’s car keys and the guns and jumped in his car. As I started it up, I could begin to hear sirens in the distance as I put the window down. I remembered wondering if they were for me. I then drove off and took the car and guns out to the Meramec and dumped it. I took the both cases and hid them under some brush up in the hills. I jumped in the river to wash off everything. I remember how great the water felt at that moment. It was almost ten thirty when I got done walking home. My mom was still up. She asked why I was still damp. I told her I had gone pool hopping with some friends.

The next day I went over to my friend Dan’s house. Dan and I had been friends forever. He was the only person who could keep up with me when it came to math. He was pretty smart in other subjects but not like math. Anyway, after I was done explaining everything, he reacted exactly like I knew he would. He first asked if I was ok and if I was freaking out about it. Oddly enough, I was fine with all of it. Good man, he said. I knew I could count on you not to freak out over a piece of shit like Simmy. So, here’s what we’re gonna do next. His plan was an exact copy of what I had thought out. Dan was about a year older than me so he was still only fifteen but his mom would leave the extra car at home which we, discreetly, borrowed on numerous occasions. We went back and grabbed both cases and once we made it to his place, we counted out twenty-five thousand bucks. That was an above average yearly income for most back then and of course it was a fortune for us. We both agreed not to go wild with it. We would share it as well as the earnings from the drugs. I was now Dan’s silent partner in his dealings. I was never even questioned about what happened and to this day Dan is my oldest friend.

I decided it was time for a change in my life. I was having a lot of fun but I wondered how long I could keep getting away with all of it. I decided I would like to give college a try. New people to meet and all that. I would actually have to try in my classes. I took an SAT prep course and reviewed everything I could think of. I got a 760 verbal and 800 math. My mom flipped when I showed her the scores. My uncle was Vice Chancellor at Washington University in St. Louis. It was basically where you went in St. Louis if you were really good at being smart. It was a family school for us. Everybody in the family went there: Mom, Dad, aunts, uncles, cousins and because of that, and my young age and high scores, my uncle got me a full ride. He enjoyed showing me off at school events and fundraisers, and that’s where I met most of the faculty. This made it infinitely easier to test out of their classes. Plus, I found it much more informative to speak with them one on one and pick their brains than to sit through class. Especially the lower level classes. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted for a major. But with the scholarship over my head I was compelled to choose. I was most interested in electrical engineering but I also liked economics, psychology and sociology so I took them all. My first year I studied and attended classes nonstop. I felt as though I had something to prove. To my surprise I found that I could stay up for forty-eight to seventy-two hours working. That first year I tested out of every class possible and received highest marks in the ones I didn’t. By the end of the summer semester I was ready for many of my junior year classes.

It was almost summer when I met Lil. I was quite pleased with my progress so far and decided to go to the end of the year carnival. I went alone. It was a spur of the moment decision and the best one I ever made because that’s when I met Lillian Marie Gonzales. She was very tall. I would later find out she’s six foot three. I’m only five seven. She was a track and field star at the school. I had heard of her of course. She was known as Speedy Gonzales and she always seemed to be breaking one record or another but I had never seen her. She had big brown eyes and a great smile. She was built like one of today’s women’s fitness champions, muscular and lean. I could see how most guys would find her intimidating, especially back in those days. Back then you needed to be built like twig to be thought of as attractive. Their loss, my gain. I couldn’t take my eyes from her. Once I finally decided to approach her, she was just leaving a concession stand. I had just walked up when she turned around and looked me straight in the eye. I froze. She was even more beautiful up close. The only thing that came out was the word, wow. Her friends all started laughing at me, as did she. Is there anything you’d like to add to that? she said with a big smile. Thankfully I snapped out of it. I said, Stick around for a while and let me tell you what I really think. After about fifteen minutes she had ditched her friends and we talked all night and part of the next morning.

She was incredibly funny and smart. Definitely big and bossy. It was going to be her way unless I made her see it my way which was fine, because I seemed to look forward to everything she had to say. She’s always had a clean yet simplistic elegance about her. The only ring she ever wore was a large silver signet ring and some small silver ball earrings. She likes silver because it offsets her dark skin so well. Her father was a special forces Marine who had married a tall blonde California girl. Lil was the first of three kids and had two younger brothers. They traveled around a lot. She had been all over the world it seemed, and knew a host of languages: Spanish, French, Italian, German, Russian, Japanese, Chinese, Hebrew, Greek and Latin. I, on the other hand, had a hard time with Pig Latin.

We got breakfast and went back to her place and fell asleep almost immediately on the sofa. When we woke up it was almost four pm on Saturday. As we said good morning to each other she sat up and while looking down at me she said with a smile, You know I had a great time last night, probably one of the best I can remember. I know you’re young but, how old are you anyway? I was about to turn fifteen in June but I lied and said I was about to turn seventeen. She said her birthday was in June also and was about to turn twenty. Three years difference isn’t so bad, but tell me the truth, she said as she stood up, you’re a virgin, aren’t you? She towered over me as I laid there. As I looked up, I found myself wildly excited. Without thinking I said, Yes. I’m glad you didn’t try to lie to me, she said. She started to untie her shirt. She was wearing just blue jean cut offs and a blue halter top with a white button-down shirt over it with only a few buttons undone. It was tied off at the waist with only a glimpse of her stomach showing. She said, I’m happy you didn’t try any moves on me last night. Well it would have ruined it, I answered. Yeah, she agreed with a smile. She then took her shirt off and tossed it to the floor, put her hands on her hips and said, Do you like what you see? With that my penis shot straight up, hard as a rock. She laughed when she noticed the disturbance in my pants and said, I guess so. She was so big and beautiful. So completely confident. She had a six pack, which I had never seen on a girl before. I was in the process of losing it. She said, You know with your birthday coming up maybe there’s something we can do about this whole virginity thing. She stared down at me with a crooked, somewhat sinister grin and that was all I could take. I lost it in my pants. I was beyond embarrassed. This certainly never happened in any of the Elvis movies. Lil couldn’t have been happier though. She laughed out when it happened. She wasn’t so much laughing at me so much, as she was just happy for herself. As she started to bend down over me, she said, Don’t worry, I like knowing I can make you cum anytime I want. Her giant grin was part of a confirmation that I had certainly been conquered. As she straightened up, she said, I have to go to the gym to work out. You should probably shower up before you go. She then said sarcastically, You don’t want to have to walk back to the dorm with that all sloshing around in there. While she was having fun with me because of her handiwork, I was still in a state of semi embarrassment as well as incredible euphoric bliss. It was the most incredible sexual experience I’d ever had, and she never laid a hand on me. She wasn’t even naked. She continued on to say, I’d like to see you again later tonight, so if you have a girlfriend, you need to break it off with her before you get here to pick me up. She grabbed a tee shirt from somewhere and after she put it on, she looked back down at me and said, Come on, snap out of it. She came over and pulled me up off the sofa. I wanted to say something but couldn’t figure out what to say. I just started to stammer when she started to pull me in close and gave me a light little slap and said quietly, Shhh…just kiss me now. I absolutely fell into her and kissed her with more feeling and passion than I knew I had. She seemed pleased with the kiss and said, See you around nine, ok. She grabbed her gym bag and was out the door before I could answer. We’ve been with each other ever since. There hasn’t been anybody, except for our boys, who has come close to making me want to give up my time that could be spent with her.

We’ve had one major argument since that day. Nothing has come remotely close to pissing Lil off more than when she found out my real age. Unfortunately, that’s also when I told her about the time, I killed those guys. I had told her about the drug deal and how I got the money and the drugs, but I told her that everyone had shot each other, and I was the last man standing so to speak and just made off with it all. What happened was Lil, Dan and I were coming back from somewhere, it was mid fall and Lil was back for the weekend. She had graduated the previous June and worked at an advertising agency in Chicago. I was of course nervous that she would find someone else up there. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. But things were going smoothly. I was going to graduate at the end of that semester. Yes, that’s right, under three years and I would be done with it. I would graduate with a B.S. in electrical engineering and minors in physics, economics, sociology and psychology. I added physics to