Tina

By Isabella Bright

Tina lived in a time when there was no name or diagnosis for mental illnesses nor an understanding of the various types of mental ailments and treatment for them. As the years passed, the medical science of mind matters, psychiatry, and help for dysfunctional personalities came into its own. Today, in our modern world, there is help and medical professionals trained to work in the field of the human mind. So many trigger points and causes lead to these behavior patterns—from trauma to the simple struggle of living day by day with all that this brings to us.

Some of us are more resilient, more able to deal with stress and strain. Many are not for a variety of reasons and causes. Please consider her story, and if you identify with her or you see that your loved one or a family member does, please be brave and reach out for help. Make the choice deliberately and on purpose to get the help you need. Don’t waste time waiting for later and, while you do, destroy those around you and your own chance to be happy and to heal.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Aug 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9781728383637

Isabella Bright

ISABELLA is firstly a mother, a wife and a grandmother. She has many years of experience working with people in the field of business skills and life skills . she retired at age 70, but still does public speaking and inpacts in the lives of people. Her motto is. “To touch as many people positively as I can, in my lifetime.” She is a woman of faith and trusts in God.

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PROLOGUE

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A s I stand beside her coffin, looking down on her face, a thousand thoughts and memories race for first place in my mind. I am aware of her close to me in a different state than in this state of death. It is as if she is here beside me. She had always filled my life, every day, with her presence. Now in death, she still seemed so near to me and I was glad. In my mind I was talking to her, trying to tell her so many things and to ask questions of her, for which there were no answers now. Questions that would forever, remain unanswered. Yes, it was too late now and would always be. I was strangely aware that she understood and that no words were needed right then, she knew the things I wanted to say to her. I felt comforted, sad and sorry all at the same time.

This woman, lying here in her coffin, was my mother, in death more peaceful than I had ever seen her in life. For a moment, sadness so deep cut through my heart. My mom had not really been happy, never free of the demons that tortured her mind and crippled her life. Yes, there were times when she was so amazing, so full of love and laughter, her eyes ablaze with passion for us, her children and for life. Then the dark would come, she used to say and cover her up, so that everything seemed sad and robbed of light. Her bittersweet life had come to an end and I felt so bereft, my heart was breaking and guilt was overwhelming me, because I should have been able to make her happy. Somewhere in the growing years, I seem to have made myself responsible for her happiness. It was up to me to protect her against the hard times of life, dad’s drinking, her own bad moods and the darkness that came over her so often. I can remember being very small and thinking, I can make it better! So I tried every day to please her, to forgive her when she lashed out at me, to hug her, to fetch and carry for her, to always be available to her. I spent the years of my life, until her death, trying to keep her happy. I was too young to know that I had in fact become her mother, that I had made her my child. I also did not know then, that I could not be happy for her, nor choose for her to be happy. It would be many years later that I stumbled across the understanding that happiness is a choice we each must make to be, regardless of our situations.

As the years passed, her dark times became worse and lasted longer. She became bitter and angry and had huge health issues that further robbed her of a good life. It would be many years later that I would discover that she suffered from deep depression, and that we, her and I would journey into a time of utter frustration and the search for healing.

This is her story, I tell it with as much honesty as I can. I know that if she were here today, she would say, Tell them my girl, and if just one person can be free to live a better and fuller life than I did, then my life was worth living after all.

I take the liberty of changing names and places, to protect those living who may be offended or who wish not to be identified.

CHAPTER ONE

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S he was the daughter of an Irish mother and a Syrian/Cypriot father. He was known as George. She was thought to be Mary, by last living relatives. They met on board a ship that was bound for Southern Africa. She was travelling with her parents who were coming to find their fortune in the gold rush of that time. George travelled alone. He too was coming to Africa with great dreams of a future as a doctor of medicine. He wanted to work in dark Africa and be a pioneer, bringing healing to the people on this continent.

He was instantly smitten with her red hair, her big green eyes, and her skin so fair it looked like sunshine. He felt he could almost see through her. She was a thing of beauty to his eyes. He was accustomed to seeing women with dark hair and tanned skins. This pale beauty must be his! As the journey progressed, so did the love between these two young people. At last her father gave his blessing to their marriage aboard ship. They were also married in a court of law, when they arrived in Cape Town, South Africa.

After landing in Cape Town, her parents soon set off in wagons pulled by oxen for the gold fields. I have very few details of them, not even a name. New gold fields had been discovered in the Low-Veld area and as the news reached far off counties, the influx of people to Southern Africa increased. Tina’s family were among the earliest to come.

The young lovers also started on their journey inland to promising future. They travelled by rail and then by wagon to Pretoria, in the then know Provence of Transvaal. George bought a farm with the money he had and started a medical practice. Mary was happy to have the little house on the farm and set about making it a home. Many years later this area, along with other farms would be renamed ‘Mountain View’. He would in his later years sell off the farm as small- holdings that later became residential stands.

The house faced the mountain and each day Mary would sit on the veranda and watch the sunset over it, how she loved this place, her home. She had borne George three sons and two daughters by the time that she became aware that George was not happy. He often had bad moods that would last awhile then pass, but of late, these black moods seemed to last longer and she often felt afraid when he got like this. His temper was becoming more violent and she had no way of knowing how to help him or calm him. Everything she did or said made his temper worse. She was very afraid of these times, and he had lately taken to slapping her when she tried to calm him, so she just kept busy and tried not to make matters worse in anyway.

By the time that Tina, her youngest daughter was three years old, she was a nervous wreck. She was beginning to suffer severe headaches and her heart would race so badly that she could barely stand up straight. George now beat Mary at the slightest provocation. He was impossible to live with and she was terrified he would one day, in a rage, kill her or hurt the children.

When he started to practice what she called ‘black magic’ an art he had learnt from the local ‘Singoma,’ an African lady who practiced her craft of African medicine, she finally knew she had to leave him. Some of the things he did were so shocking and distressed her terribly. She just knew that her God was not happy for her to stay with this man. In her desperation she asked some friends to help her get away from him. She packed up a few belongings, in secret, as she was afraid of what George may do if he found out she was leaving. She made the heart-breaking decision to leave the boys with their father and her first born daughter, Mary, refused to leave with her. On a cold winter’s day in July, while George was away; her friends fetched her and the two girls, and took them off to a secret place in Johannesburg.

Mary started her life over again in a two-roomed shack, in the back yard of house in a small town named Brakpan. She was always in fear that George would find her and the children, and take them back to the farm. Thankfully, he never came, and so slowly she began to settle into a new life. She became the charlady for the rich family on whose property she lived with her girls. She schooled Tina and Lilly at home, the best she could. She was afraid to put them into school as that would make it easy for George to trace her.

In time, she met and fell in love with a man named Harry. She became pregnant to him and another little girl was born, she named her Susan. Tina was now five years old. Susan was very fair, and had a mop of auburn curls. She would grow into a beautiful Irish rose like her mother.

The year Susan turned two and Tina seven, the three young girls’ lives were set to change forever. Lilly, the older child, was now fifteen years old. She was a tight-lipped girl, who spoke only when spoken to. She seemed to be sulking all the time and was given to bad moods that would last for days. She did not get on with her mother at all, and it seemed that they were always watching each other. Tina, with her bouncy personality did not notice this and Susan was too small to care about these things. To add to Lilly’s deep anger and hidden pain, it was so obvious to her that Tina was her mothers’ favourite child.

Soon it was the Christmas season once again but there was no real Christmas for the girls. There was very little money and times were hard for them. On Christmas day, they shared what they had for Christmas lunch and later Mary said she was tired and went to lie down for a while. Tina climbed onto the bed behind her mom’s back and cuddled close to her, they both fell asleep leaving Lilly looking after Susan. Sometime later Tina came to fetch Lilly and said, Lilly mom is so cold please bring her a blanket. Lilly thought that her mother had sent Tina to her with this request, so she fetched a rug and went to put it over her. As she bent over her mother she sensed that something was wrong. |Her face did not look right. Lilly shook her on her arm, there was no response, she called, Mom Still no response. Lilly stepped back and drew Tina out of the room. You stay here with Susan, she said. She went to the main house and asked them to please come and help her, as she could not wake her mom.

Mr and Mrs du Plessis came at once. They were shocked to find that Mary had died. They called the doctor who said it was her heart; it just seemed to have stopped beating. Tina was inconsolable: Susan was bewildered by all the people and the crying and just clung to Lilly. The first thought that went through Lilly’s mind was, What will I do? How will I manage to look after the girls? Will father take us back? And Susan, what will he say about her? She never had the chance to find out. The adults took care of everything. They called in the welfare workers, as they did not know how to contact any remaining family. Even when Lilly told them they came from a farm in Pretoria, no one seemed to be able to contact her father. The welfare placed an advertisement in the local newspapers and waited for someone to come forward. No one did.

Harry came forward and asked if he could take the three girls and give them a home. He was willing to take the girls and asked his mother to help raise them, but the welfare would not hear of that. His mom was an old lady and she did not want the girls. It was decided that Lilly would stay on in the little house and work as the house keeper for the family, this way she could be independent and earn some money as well as have a roof over her head. Tina and Susan would have to go to the ‘Children’s Home’ in an outlying town just outside of Johannesburg. They would become boarders and Harry would pay the monthly portion needed for their keep.

The anger and resentment that Lilly had been harbouring all this time, seemed to explode inside her. She had no say, no control. The authorities said her father had disowned them and they could not go home. The pain she felt inside was almost unbearable. She would carry this hurt and anger for the rest of her life. The bitterness that settled in stayed for the rest of her life. She closed in on herself more and more. Outwardly she was a beautiful young woman but deep within her the bitterness and hurt was taking a grip on her. She too would be a victim, an injured and hurting child of a dysfunctional parental home. She would never learn the skill of freeing herself from the past by forgiving those who hurt her and deserted her. She would remain an angry woman, who struggled with relationships, unless they were on her terms, for the rest of her life.

CHAPTER TWO

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I t was a cold and wet morning and there was no sunshine to brighten the day. The grey clouds, weeping big wet tears onto the Earth were like the tears she shed on the inside, where no one could see. The past few weeks had taught her to hide her emotions and not to show her weakness. There was little comfort for her from those around her. Lilly just told herself to get over it, you’ll live in her usual angry inner voice. She felt unwanted, unnoticed and so very alone. In the time before the younger girls were taken to the home, she had taken to caring for little Susan, playing with her and hugging her when she called for her mother who would now never come to her again.

Tina missed her mother so much, the warm arms that would hold her and make her feel safe were not there now and the emptiness left by her passing was so terrible. All she understood was that she and Susan would go and live far away from Lilly and their little house, away from all she knew and understood as being her life. She was so afraid and she did not know who to speak to or how to ask the questions that flooded her mind, and made her tummy ache. She seldom smiled now and was tense all the time. She stayed near to Susan and became quite territorial about her. Her little sister was where Tina could feel safe. The fact that she reminded her of her mother was an added comfort. They needed each other and belonged together. She would never let little Susan be taken from her she decided that cold, sad morning.

They were waiting for the people who would take them to ‘that place’. A small, battered suitcase at the door, held all their possessions. Tina struggled with the fear that was building up in her thin little body and as she looked at Susan, she felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for her sister. It was all too much for her and she started to tremble all over. Her legs so weak, that she had to sit down on a chair, to keep from falling. Oh mommy, I need you so much. I am so scared she was screaming deep inside herself.

There was a knock at the door and in walked Harry. She was so glad to see him, she ran to him and threw her arms around his hips and just clung to him. He bent down and lifted her up into his arms, she snuggled against his neck and the smell of him was so comforting. Pipe Tabaco, she would never forget that smell! He had always been kind to her and she thought of him as her dad. She knew he was not her dad but it felt good to pretend he was. She had started calling him ‘Papa Harry’ shortly after he started visiting her mother. She loved him because he had made her mother happy and when mother was happy, everything seemed so much easier. Of course, Lilly never liked him and she left the room every time he came to visit. This had always made her mom sad, and confused Tina. After all, he was a nice man who made her mommy happy. There were many things Tina did not understand, but being a child, she just accepted life as it was. And to her, Papa Harry was a daddy who made mommy happy, that was enough for her.

Harry sat down with Tina in his lap and tried to explain to her what was about to happen to her, I can see you are scared my girl, he said, in his gentle way, his blue eyes shining with unshed tears. I will come and visit you on Sundays as I promised you. You will soon settle down and make new friends. The people there will be kind to you and you will be happy there. His words sounded empty and she did not believe him. How could she be happy away from her home and her mommy gone away from her? All she knew was the gnawing fear eating at her insides and making her tummy ache again. She lifted her tear-stained face up to him and his heart jerked with shock at what he saw. This young child had an old Soul, and she understood more than she could put into words. The fear he saw etched round her eyes and mouth nearly broke his heart. He silently promised himself to never let her down, never to add to her sorrow but instead to try and bring her some happiness in small meaningful ways. He so badly wanted to keep these two girls close to him, but times being what they were, it was impossible for a man to care for children, or so the authorities said, and he had to see them go into a home, a safe place, for children without parents or from broken homes.

She got off his lap and walked to the window, Must be the weather is sad like me she said, the clouds are still crying. A knock at the door caught her attention, every nerve in her little body bracing itself for this moment. She heard the voice of ‘the lady’ from the welfare and knew the time had come to go to that place. She felt cold and her tummy hurt so much.

Lilly came into the room and suddenly, in an unusual action, she put her arms around Tina, and hugged her hard and said goodbye, be good now, we will see each other soon she turned and left the room as suddenly as she had come in. Her own heart was aching; all she knew and loved was being taken from her. Tina was her sister and she had come to love little Sue, as she called her. They were leaving, and again she felt that old friend, fear, come to stand next to her. She felt alone, deserted, left behind and forgotten.

The lady gathered the two girls and their suitcase, and walked them to her car. There was a man behind the wheel and he did not even look at them as they got into the back of the car. Harry and Mrs du Plessis waved them goodbye as the car moved off, and silent tears rolled down Tina’s cheeks as she held Susan close to her. There was a pain deep in the place where she thought her heart was that hurt so much, she could scarcely breathe. She would feel that pain always, when she was sad or when she longed for places and people she could not go to or be with. She would speak of this pain to me, her daughter in the years to come. I would learn to see that pain in her eyes and in the way she held her head. There would be times I swear I could feel her pain. That pain.

It seemed like the ride to ‘that place’ would never end. They were going so far away, no one would ever find them, Tina thought. She sat back and let Susan put her head on her lap. She was soon asleep and it felt good to Tina to be needed in this way by her little sister. I will always look after you, she whispered in Susan’s little ear.

Well, we’re here! the lady said, breaking the long silence in the car. Tina looked out of the window at the grey stone walls of the children’s home and felt fear well up in her. Everything looked so sad and grey and cold. Wake your sister up, let’s get out of the car, said the lady, as she opened her door and climbed out into the cold. The man who, had been driving, opened the door on Tina’s side of the car and with a kind smile said, Here, let me help you with your little sister and reached in to take Susan off her lap. She scrambled out of the car as quick as she could and stood next to the man holding her sister. She is waking up now, I can hold her, thank you, she said as the man put the little girl on her feet. Tina looked up, and above the huge door, the name of the home stood out in big black letters, PEACE HAVEN, A PLACE OF SAFETY. They were led up to the big wooden door that creaked as it was opened. The smell of polish and smoke filled her nose. She was so afraid that if she went through those doors, they would never open up to let her out again. Little did she know at that time, that this was to be her home for the next eleven years, and even longer for little Sue.

Tina never forgot that first day, and she would speak of it often to me in later years. The two girls were taken to the headmasters’ office to wait for the man who would now be in control of them. Tina looked at him as he entered his office, and wondered if he would look better if he smiled. He seemed so grumpy and this just added to her mounting fear. He told them that if they were good, they would be ‘ok,’ whatever that meant. ‘There food and a warm bed to sleep in," he said, as if to the wall behind her. Tina barley understood all this and of course his speech was wasted on Susan, who looked on in her childlike manner, gripping Tina’s legs with all her strength. The man went on to say that the family and friends could visit them on Sundays, between 2pm and 4pm. He then became silent and just sat there in his big chair.

After a while a lady came in, she looked at the girls and smiled at them and said, Welcome to your new home, come with me and I will show you your rooms and get someone to help you and they were marched off in the direction of the dormitories. These were long rooms with many beds. She learnt later that the lady was called ‘matron’ and that she was ‘the boss of them all’.

It would have been so much better if the people receiving them were warm and welcoming, reassuring the girls that although they were away from their home, they would be safe here. Tina felt so tense her shoulders were pulled up and her face had a look of pure terror on it. Little Susan held her sisters’ hand tightly and she made soft whimpering sounds. Tina was aware of her tight grip and she felt helpless, her sense of loss and desertion getting deeper all the time.

The matron walked to a bed on the far side of the room and put the case on the bed, turning to Tina she said this is where you will sleep and this is your cupboard, put your things in here and I will get your sister’s things later, I will send one of the girls to fetch you in a few minutes. I will take your sister to the nursery now. You can see her later. She promptly picked Susan up and turned to leave, suddenly all hell broke loose. Tina screamed, leave her, leave her, she must stay with me as she clutched at the matrons’ arm to pull Susan away. Susan in turn started crying, loud sobs that had been suppressed for so long, burst from her little throat. She was terrified at being taken away from her only security, Tina. The girls, reaching to each other, and the matron twisting to keep them from making that vital contact, made a sad and at the same time, funny picture. Finally she was able to silence Tina’s screaming by smacking her on her back, and she shook Susan so hard that the child instantly became still. Now, she said, You will do as you are told, enough of this fussing! She stormed out of the dormitory with Susan on her arm; the little girls’ eyes large with fright and silent tears spilling down her pale cheeks.

Tina sank down on the bed and wept bitterly, her anger and frustration all coming to a head in a storm that seemed to have no end. There she was, this little girl of seven years old, traumatised, and no one to comfort her.

This was the start to her new life, a life without her mother, and Lilly so far away from her. Again, she understood that she was alone and must take care of Susan. How was she supposed to do that if they took her away to where she did not know? Her heart was racing and her breathing was spasmodic and she was feeling very strange, like a feather, floating in the air with everything feeling far away from her. Who could say? Was this the first of a lifetime of panic attacks that would go undiagnosed and misunderstood? Was this where it all began? The loss of joy in her life and the arrival of a terror that would be with her, just under the surface, ready to swallow her and crush he, all the days of her life, right to the very end? This broken and deserted child would be with her always.

We are told that we all have the parent, adult and child nature born in us and we can be one or the other at any given time, depending on the situation we find ourselves in. Thinking back on her life I know that she, Tina my mother, would more often than not behave in the child nature to either get her way or fly into a tantrum and become inconsolable until she got her way. Either way, there was always tension and pain in her. She would learn to show a strong front to the world and even a stubborn nature that got her what she required out of life, but always the insecure child lurked just below the surface.

It seemed like forever before she heard footsteps and a voice saying, Hi. My name is Helen. I am the dormitory monitor. Matron sent me to fetch you for supper. She looked up and into a face covered in freckles and a huge smile. The girl was older than her, possibly about twelve years old. Her warm brown eyes were kind and Tina felt a little less afraid. I will teach you all you need to know and show you around. It’s not so bad once you get used to things around here. Do you have any questions? Yes Tina said and was amazed at the voice that did not sound like hers, What is a monitor? And I want to go to my sister; she must be so scared, could you take me to her? I do not know where she is. She is in the nursery, come I will show you. And oh! A monitor is someone who takes charge when the teachers or the housemothers go off duty, so I will look after you, but you must listen to me. Ok? Taking Tina’s hand she led her out of the long dark dormitory. They walked to the other side of the building and up some stairs to the next floor. Entering the door to the nursery, Tina could hear Susan crying and she rushed to the place the sound was coming from. There she sat in a cot, with tears streaming down her cheeks, her little face red from crying. Tina scooped her up and kissed her and spoke gentle words to her, all the while struggling not to cry herself. Slowly Susan settled down and her sobbing became little whimpering sounds. Her eyes darted from one place to another, as if she was trying to establish where she was and understanding why, because this was not home!

A tall thin lady came in and stood looking at a picture she had seen