Living in My Private Hell

By Michael Coulter

Co-occuring disorder or dual diagnosis is the condition of an individual suffering from some form of mental illness in addition to comorbid substance abuse problems. This book demonstrates the trials and tribulations experienced by unrecognized co-occuring disorder and the use of alcohol to self-medicate the issue. Another component of this story deals with the discomfort of paralyzing anxiety and suicidal depression and the ability of our mental health to control our lives. Co-occuring disorders are very misunderstood conditions that when undiagnosed can lead to a lifetime of frustration, trauma, and hell.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Dec 10, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984567963

Book preview

Copyright © 2019 by Michael Coulter.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2018913880

ISBN:                Hardcover                978-1-9845-6798-7

                          Softcover                  978-1-9845-6797-0

                          eBook                       978-1-9845-6796-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 01/11/2019

Xlibris

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I dedicate this book to my mother whose commitment

and dedication to her own health and wellbeing is a

constant source of inspiration to her family.

Contents

In the Beginning

Fear and Anxiety

Life is Good

Good Life Gone Bad

Family Court Tragedy

Professional Horror

Dancing with the Devil

Me v Alcohol

Fight On!

Excuses for Bad Behavior

Co-ocurring Nightmare Revisited

In the Beginning

Some people who read this book might think it is just another story about some inebriant drowning himself and his miserable life in lethal amounts of alcohol. Other individuals might simply suggest that this written work is the deranged and demented diary of a madman. A sincere, truthful story must be told for the justification and respect of the millions of people constantly struggling to manage their mental health issues. This book is in fact an illustration of the agony and distress produced by debilitating anxiety and depression, and the overwhelming, adverse effect it has on a life. Our story introduces the oppressive darkness that accompanies the mental and emotional turmoil experienced by those afflicted with these disorders. This book describes how an individual’s fears, anxieties and depression can generate considerable panic and unrest for the afflicted and for the family, potentially subsisting over the course of a lifetime. Anxiety and depression are neither auditory nor observable, yet they can be devastating and conceivably fatal to the individual it burdens. Our story presents a world where success is frequently turned to failure and quality of life for the unfortunate ceases to exist.

For those unfamiliar with the term, anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness and unease. Anxiety disorders are characterized as significant by a feeling of extreme anxiety and fear that may ultimately take control of the tormented individual’s life. In extreme cases, general anxiety disorders are characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and irrational worry that interferes with daily functioning, which include a variety of problematic physical symptoms. These distressed persons will typically anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about everyday matters including such things as health, money or death. Undiagnosed anxiety can affect extreme chaos into a person’s life without them even suspecting it.

Depression, often referred to as major depressive disorder, is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness, emptiness, hopelessness and a complete loss of interest in normal activities. Major depressive disorder affects how an individual-thinks, feels and behaves and can lead to a variety of physical and emotional problems including the feeling that life is not worth living. The internal chaos generated by these overwhelming mental challenges can lead an individual into a life complete with substance abuse, isolation and unending turmoil. The contents of this book summarize the anguish, adversity and despair I endured for generations as I struggled to survive with undiagnosed anxiety and depression, which instigated years of suffering in my own private hell.

Recent research indicates that a human’s first exposure to stress is in utero. I’m not really sure if that is when I was first exposed to stress, but I am absolutely certain it happened soon thereafter. Don’t get me wrong, my mother and father were both wonderful, delightful people, they both just came from a long, long line of dysfunction. Neither of my parents were big drinkers but if you think you can’t fuck up your kid because you don’t drink consider the damage your parents did to you. The stress and anxiety produced by learned alcoholic behavior can and will initiate a lifetime of fear and torment without the victim ever even knowing it. A bio-psychosocial assessment is a scientific evaluation used to determine the evolution of a person’s mental and emotional development. The biology component assesses an individual’s genetics and organic elements that make up one piece of the human puzzle. The psychological component is defined by mood, personality and behavior. Social factors include such attributes as cultural, familial, socio economic, and medical characteristics. So scientifically there are many factors involved in developing the elements of a human. Considering all the features involved in this process there is yet one more detail that may be the most influential factor of all – our environment. Person-in-environment is a compelling social work perspective suggesting that a person is heavily influenced by their surroundings therefore establishing that problems and issues can largely be attributed to environmental interactions, experiences and influences. Simply put, the people, places and things associated with a person’s life significantly impact’s their development. These components a person experiences can and often will have a detrimental affect on who they become any subsequent mental and emotional issues they might retain.

Now back to the wonderful and amazing parents. My dad was born into a piss poor Nebraska family way back in 1931. In addition to having little money, his family was compelled to endure the actions and behavior of an alcoholic father. He held a job and was able to provide for his family as much as he could but the stories my dad told me about his drinking and the things he did while intoxicated were humiliating and mind blowing. At one particular doctor’s appointment my grandfather was told that if he continued to drink he could die.