Pillars of Joy in Marriage: Looking at Marriage in Heaven’s Eyes

By Dr. Nozipho N. Nxumalo

Dr. Nxumalo has since operationalized her passion by penning a how-to-do manual: “Pillars of Joy in Marriage” to revitalize marital relationships in the physical, emotional and spiritual domains. Her book contributes to an army of authors who endeavor to win the silent “battle of the mind” against the marriage institution by:
Sharing her story how God’s GPS has guided her own marriage journey through the years.
Dispelling the illusion of euphoric happiness in marriage.
Assuring readers of an attainable joy in marriage despite turbulences the enemy throws at us.
Urging couples to look forward to the coming of the “Bride-groom”- Jesus Christ, the true Prince Charming, who will take His Bride - the Church, to the never-ending honeymoon in a death-free world made new and where pre-sin condition is restored.
There is a lot to like in Dr. Nxumalo’s manuscript. There are 1) her wholesome and practical approach to marital success 2) her very incisive overview of the significant differences between happiness and joy 3) her insistence on the reader’s attention to the “how-tos” of success 4) her use of both Scriptural and personal illustrations 5) language richly flavored with the royalty elements of her native South Africa and 6) a writing style that reflects her cheerful and progressive personality. It’s a good read impressively done!
—Calvin B. Rock, Ph.D.

Dr. Nxumalo writes about marriage as ministry, drawing from a wellspring of poignant, riveting, but everyday examples cumulating a 50-year marriage. The book’s voice, humorous and humbling, is that of a girlfriend, a mature Christian, a cosmopolitan world citizen well-schooled in the vicissitudes of this life but with a focus on life eternal. Dr. Nxumalo gives advice that is memorable and assessments that are measurable--a must read for marital success.
—Attorney James C. & Dr. Valerie B. Lee

I have been in ministry for over 30 years and read a lot of material on marital relationships, but Dr. Nxumalo’s approach really held my interest and came from a totally new perspective of investing in your marriage capital was new and refreshing. Well done!
—Pastor Sam & Rowena Davis

Thank you for the opportunity to edit Pillars of Joy in Marriage, a guide that promises to help readers examine themselves and their marriages to determine what behavioral and spiritual adjustments to make to create a fulfilling, God-centered relationship. With a great deal of advice, numerous personal testimonies, and plentiful relevant Bible verses, your how-to instruction is grounded in spiritual principles and has authority.
—Editor for WestBow Press

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Apr 17, 2018
• ISBN: 9781973625476

Dr. Nozipho N. Nxumalo

Nozipho N. Nxumalo, is a retired consultant of the Ohio Department of Education and a graduate of Ohio State University, Columbus, OH. She holds a doctoral degree in Educational Administration, Policy & Leadership and a cognate area in quantitative research methodology; M.Sc., in Counseling Psychology, Alabama A & M University; B.A., (double-major) Psychology & Social Work, Oakwood University, Huntsville, AL; and a post-graduate Certificate in Marriage & Family Life (CMFL) from the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary, Andrews University, Berrien Springs, MI. She is a 50-year veteran in the marriage journey and has invested her experience enriching others, through symposia in family dynamics, marriage retreats, key note speaker at weddings, and mentoring young couples.

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Copyright © 2018 Dr. Nozipho N. Nxumalo.

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Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

KJV: Taken from the King James Bible.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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ISBN: 978-1-9736-2548-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-2549-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-2547-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018904302

WestBow Press rev. date: 09/28/2018

To my husband, Godwin L. S. Nxumalo, the love of my life.

Your patience, support, calm, and peaceful demeanor are unprecedented! We have experienced immense joy in our marriage of over four decades.

I would not have written this book without your unconditional love, understanding, and encouragement. In your quiet way, and through it all, you have always been a pillar of joy and a tower of strength.

I am blessed to have a God-fearing man such as you by my side as a spouse and as my running mate in this marriage marathon.

Without a doubt, I could not have married a better man.

I am truly honored to be your wife.

Happiness is circumstantial, euphoric, externally driven, and short lived; but joy is an attitude, a state of mind and is internally motivated regardless of prevailing circumstances.

—Dr. Frank W. Hale Jr.

Contents

Special Acknowledgments

Acknowledgments

Introduction: Marriage Disposition (Pre-Sin vs. Post-Sin

Condition and Eternal Condition)

Pillar #1     Perspective on the Marriage Union

Pillar #2     In-His-Time Virtue

Pillar #3     Loving Unconditionally

Pillar #4     Laughs and Laughter

Pillar #5     Altar of the Sacred Vow

Pillar #6     Remembering the Old Times

Pillar #7     Spiritual Intimacy

Pillar #8     Obeying God’s Ordained Will

Pillar #9     Friendship of a Lifetime

Pillar #10   Jesus-Centered Marriage

Pillar #11   Objective Ordinal Selection

Pillar #12   Yielding to and Yearning for the Way of the Lord

Pillar #13   Investing in the Marriage Partnership

Pillar #14   A Nice Disposition Is a Plus

Pillar #15   Ministry of Marriage

Pillar #16   Achieving Growth amid Setbacks

Pillar #17   Revitalizing the Marriage Dream

Pillar #18   Respecting the Marriage Boundaries

Pillar #19   Inspiring Optimum Potential

Pillar #20   Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude

Pillar #21   God-Driven Marriage

Pillar #22   Evaluating Your Marriage Performance

Summary

Appendix A: Marriage Self-Assessment

Appendix B: Corrective Action Plan Framework for Married Couples

Appendix C: Revitalizing Marriage Intimacy Self-Assessment

Appendix D: Health Quotient

Appendix E: New Start toward Healthful Living

References

Songs Referenced

Special Acknowledgments

To preliminary reader Kimberley Upchurch and editor Dr. Donald Vanterpool, a special thank-you for your professionalism and expertise in ensuring this piece is biblically and scholarly presentable.

To Keith Manungo, who was responsible for the graphic design of most of the illustrative diagrams in this book. Thank you, Keith. I am highly indebted to you.

To Rebeca Legarde for designing an attention-catching cover for this book. I am grateful for your artistry.

To Raka and Sesethu Pilane, Johannesburg, South Africa, and Ben and Dr. Michele Oyortey, Columbus, Ohio, USA, for providing me with a comfortable and serene environment in which to complete this book. I could not have done it without you. Thank you! May God bless your homes.

And to my South African homeboy Trevor Noah of Comedy Central. Your humor kept me sane through it all. Thank you for unleashing my sense of humor and inspiring me to use it when I communicate truth with power!

Acknowledgments

To God be the glory! It is He who gave me knowledge and wisdom to write this book; the God of peace who sheltered me in perfect storms; my one and only Ranger who guided my marriage through the maze and intricacies of life; my secret code and password to access blessings, peace, and joy in my marriage of fifty years.

In memory of my beloved parents, Killion and Mildred Tenyane, who were my number one role model of a joyous couple, and who instilled in me unconditional love, imparted their moral values rooted in the fear of God, and exposed me to Christian values of education and parenthood.

To my son, Sekie Nxumalo Sr., who kept me real and firmly grounded on my knees!

In memory of my dear friend and mentor Dr. Frank W. Hale Jr., former vice provost, Ohio State University.

A special thank-you to my colleague and friend Dr. Valerie B. Lee, interim chair, Department of African American and African Studies, College of Arts and Sciences, Ohio State University, for her honest critique and peer review of the manuscript.

Last but not least, I take the liberty to express my heartfelt gratitude particularly to the following scholars, speakers, and writers whose wisdom has in part, directly or indirectly influenced the undergirding themes shaping the pillars of joy expressed in this book, with permission where applicable.

Dr. Barry Black, sixty-second chaplain of the United States Senate, and author of The Blessings of Adversity: Finding Your God-Given Purpose in Life’s Troubles.

Dr. Calvin B. Rock, former president of Oakwood University, vice president of the General Conference of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and author of Something Better: God’s Gracious Provisions for Our Daily Decisions.

Dr. Jim Sharps, ND, HD, NSC, PhD, International Institute of Original Medicine, author of Course Study Guide: Fundamentals of Nutrition and Hierarchy of Nutrients and Basic Principles of Total Health.

Dr. Ravi C. Zacharias, renowned public speaker and author of Why Jesus? Discovering His Truth in an Age of Mass Market Spirituality.

Introduction

Marriage Disposition

(Pre-Sin vs. Post-Sin Condition and Eternal Condition)

To put the marriage outlook or disposition into proper perspective before embarking on the journey of Pillars of Joy in Marriage, it is necessary that the reader review in brief the condition of humanity before humans sinned and compare it to what the human condition is now. In so doing, the reader will appreciate why it is necessary for a couple to build a healthy and mutually fulfilling marriage that looks forward to the coming of the true Prince Charming, Jesus Christ, when the pre-sin experience will be renewed.

Pre-Sin Condition

Let us roll back the imaginary clock to the time of the garden of Eden to conceptualize what marriage was like before our first parents on earth, Adam and Eve, sinned or broke the law of God. The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25). God made man perfectly holy and happy; and the fair earth, as it came from the Creator’s hand, bore no blight of decay or shadow of the curse. It was transgression of God’s law, the law of love, that brought woe and death (E. G. White, Steps to Christ, p. 10). Therefore, the marriage union was perfectly holy, a relationship in perfect unity. The first couple were perfectly happy and carefree, with no shame or guilt whatsoever. If the first couple had remained connected and obedient to the divine injunctions, then they, and all subsequent couples on earth, would have experienced a completely carefree and sinless environment without strife, guilt, or shame for eternity.

God made humans to be perfectly holy and happy moral beings in all respects. God saw that it was not good for man to be alone. He said, I will make him a helper who is just right for him (Genesis 2:18 NLT). The zebras and elephants could not appeal to Adam’s emotional and physical intimacy. Hence, God established the institution of marriage as a mutually fulfilling relationship for both the husband and wife. He Himself performed the very first holy marriage. God joined Adam and Eve in a perfectly happy union and sealed the marriage with a sacred covenant predicated on the vow of permanence. He then blessed the couple to be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it (Genesis 1:28 NKJV). God invented sex for the couple to cleave together and consummate the sacred bond with each other for the purpose of deriving immense pleasure as well as procreation.

For the perfect dowry, God gave the newlyweds everything and fullness thereof in the garden of Eden. For physical development and exercise, He instructed the couple to tend the garden and eat of every fruit therein, including that of the tree of life, to perpetuate their longevity for eternity. For moral discipline and character, God forbade the couple from eating the fruit of just one tree in the garden, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, which God deemed in His divine wisdom would be detrimental to the couple’s existence and usher in the propensity to sin, the preponderance of evil, and death. God said to the first couple: You may freely eat of every three in the garden except the tree of knowledge and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die (Genesis 2:17 NLT), thereby testing the couple’s allegiance to Him as their God, Creator, and eternal Father. For supreme mental capacity, the couple enjoyed face-to-face class sessions under God’s tutorage in the cool of the morning every single day. For spiritual development, God instituted the Sabbath for the couple to set aside time, come together, and experience an intense true fellowship that glorified their Maker and heavenly Father, as well as provided true rest from their daily activities. For their heavenly inheritance, God unveiled His contingency plan of salvation, just in case humankind were to lose their allegiance to God. Thus, God made a sacred and eternal commitment to save, reconcile, and restore humankind to its original holy image and perfectly happy disposition by incorporating a plan to reclaim the earth and restore it to the garden of Eden’s sinless environment.

What needs to be emphasized here is that during the pre-sin era, marriage was far different from what it is today. The first married couple, Adam and Eve, completely enjoyed the following benefits.

• immense happiness in an environment devoid of evil society,

• complete presence of the company of God, their divine heavenly Father,

• perfect holiness and a perfectly happy relationship,

• organic allegiance to God and total submission to the divine order and moral injunction, and

• true connection to God and to each other.

Post-Sin Condition

It is important to note that before Adam and Eve sinned, God clothed them with His own robe of righteousness. Their physical stature was flawless. Their ability and intelligence were unlimited. Satan, the fallen angel and archenemy of humankind, disguised himself as a snake and deceived the first couple into eating of the forbidden fruit, which God had commanded them not to eat. Satan, the devil, promised the first couple a better spiritual life, transcendence to the level of gods, and immortality, contrary to the divine instruction they had received from God Himself. In their quest for meaning and their search for a better life, the couple fell into the snake’s trap, not realizing that the devil had used the same technique that put him at loggerheads with God in heaven in the first place, when Satan wanted to put his throne above that of the Most High God (Genesis 3:1,4; Isaiah 14:12–14), and thus had distorted the truth and broken their allegiance to the Creator. The first couple was deceived in the presence of a prewarning, the abundance of knowledge and divine instruction they had received from God Himself. It is important to emphasize that Satan deceived the first couple in exchange for the following things:

• empty promises and

• loss of covering of God’s own righteousness (Shekinah glory), in exchange for

o physical nakedness,

o spiritual emptiness,

o experience of guilt and shame,

o devastating sickness, pain, and death, and

o potential loss of eternal life.

Once the venomous poison of the devil, the old serpent, took effect, the couple instantaneously changed for the worse. For the first time, the cover of righteousness, the Shekinah glory, and perfect holiness left them. Thus, they felt naked, guilty, miserable, and pathetic, engaging in blame assignment to the extent of blaming God for their existence. Eve blamed the snake, while Adam, who had been thrilled when God gave him the woman, did not hesitate to blame God for marrying them, saying, It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit (Genesis 3:12 NLT).

Thus, sin altered the gene pool of human beings for all future generations, hardwiring and destining their offspring to a death sentence. Sin has a moral right to kill all sinners. As Dr. Calvin Rock puts it, We are experiencing dying on arrival (DOA). Before Adam and Eve sinned, they did not know that they were naked, because the Shekinah glory covered them. After they sinned, the cover of righteousness and perfect holiness left them for the first time. How ironic that contemporary society still struggles with issues of accountability for actions and still grapples with the virtue of obedience to the divine moral injunction and allegiance to God. People have become spiritually schizophrenic, choosing God’s divine moral imperatives to govern their existence and simultaneously choosing to follow the dictates of their own moral prerogative, part of which is the autonomy to worship other gods or be self-worshipping.

Simply put, when the first couple, Adam and Eve, disobeyed God’s divine injunction, they sinned. Disobedience opened the gateway for Satan, the fallen angel, to distort their allegiance to God; and God was not pleased. God cursed the ground for Adam’s sake, proclaiming that future generations would now engage in hard labor, struggling, sweating, and scrambling for sustenance. Eve’s disobedience changed the fate and sexual pleasure of women, as now they were doomed to bear their offspring in pain and suffering. Hence, havoc broke loose, and the gene pool of human beings for all future generations was forever altered. Pain, evil, and death became part of human existence (Genesis 3:16–19). It is obvious that the devil’s notion that humans are gods and are getting better is a fallacy! This quest of human beings to discover their own divinity is what Dr. Ravi Zacharias has coined in his book Why Jesus? the mass-marketed spirituality of the new age. Hence, modern society has allowed itself to continue believing the same old lie Satan told the first couple in the garden of Eden.

The fact is that nowadays the human lifespan is shorter than that of the first couple. For instance, Adam lived for 930 years (Genesis 5:5); Seth, 912 years (Genesis 5:8); Enosh, 905 years (Genesis 5:11); Methuselah, 969 years (Genesis 5:27); Lamech, 777 years (Genesis 5:31); and Noah, 950 years (Genesis 9:29). Now check out what God promised the present generation, you and me: a mere seventy years of life. The days of our lives are seventy years; and if because of strength, they are eighty years, yet their boast is only labor and sorrow (Psalm 90:10 NKJV). So, if the truth be told, the human condition is no better now in any aspect of our existence, although the devil promised it would be. Instead, since humankind sinned, men and women have been at war within themselves on issues of allegiance to God and in defining the locus of morality.

It is important to note that the devil’s ultimate delusion lies in promising human beings what the devil himself could not attain. Do you remember why he was kicked out of heaven? He had tried to put himself as equal to or above the Almighty God through disobedience to the divine order. It should be noted that the devil’s tactics are constant in that the old serpent succeeded in tainting and distorting people’s views of eternal life. Satan is still promising to give humanity what we already have (namely, the image of God) and promising to give us what he himself has no power over and cannot give us (namely, eternal life). It’s a no-brainer that this pattern of deceit and chasing the mirage has been evidently replicated and is reflective of any sin we commit or adverse behaviors we engage in now and through time immemorial.

God designed human beings to reflect His image and character. However, He made humans free moral agents, not robots, who may choose to serve Him or not. Without connection with God, a vacuum or void is created, a space to worship someone or something else (gods) other than the Supreme God, the Creator of all things. Since humans are free moral agents, they can choose their own destiny, and they have the prerogative to make choices about whom they will worship, how they will conduct themselves, and how they will view the marriage relationship. Thus, it is important to emphasize that it is not only the distortion of who is worshipped, God or gods, and how and when, facing the post-sin era but also the choice of how today’s society views marriage relationships and how it conceptualizes, approaches, and builds the holy marriage institution.

Eternal Condition

The explanation of how the general mood or disposition toward marriage in the pre-sin and post-sin condition is not complete without touching on the hope of the second advent of our true Prince Charming, Jesus Christ. He promised He would come back again to take His bride, the church, to be with Him in the land of glory, where we will enjoy perfect holiness and happiness within a sinless world order for eternity (John 14:1–3; Revelation 21:2–4; 1 Corinthians 2:9). Can you imagine a carefree society without sin, greed, guilt, shame, pain, sickness, or graveyards? This biblical narrative of eternal life is not a gimmick or bluff by any means. However, we have the prerogative to choose eternal life or not. Where the first couple, Adam and Eve, failed, the eternal condition (what will be) now provides today’s families a second chance or hope to experience the pre-sin condition (what was before) and escape the potential condemnation presented by the post-sin condition (reality of what is now). God did not make us robots but made us intelligent moral beings with the ability to choose what we consider important and what we value. Once the first couple was kicked out of Eden, innocence, holiness, perfect happiness, and a carefree life was no longer possible. From that point, humans had to be deliberate in searching for the pre-sin nature, consciously desire to attain an intimate connection with God, and be intentional about cultivating an organic intimate spiritual relationship with each other. Without inviting and embracing God into the marriage relationship, all these things are unattainable.

Given the discourse above, about the interaction among (a) imagining the pre-sin condition, (b) the reality of coexisting with others given the current condition of humankind, and (c) anticipating the promise of a sinless world order, any human attempts to build, shape, or govern marriage relationships without God are futile and predicated on choosing one of the three following options to guide one’s existence and destiny:

1. Building the marriage relationship under the divine moral imperative guided by God’s principles to reflect His character through eternity; or

2. Taking the prerogative to model the marriage union after the moral directive of someone other than God; or

3. Leveraging one’s individual moral autonomy to build the marriage relationship for the purpose of self-worship, which is propelled by the disposition to please me, myself, and I.

Looking at divorce statistics of the twenty-first century, we find that one out of every two first marriages ends in divorce. For second and third marriages, the divorce rate is even higher, 60–64 percent and 70–74 percent, respectively. It is alarming that such an old institution as marriage, which predates the church institution, is so mishandled and misunderstood. Maybe some people marry for the wrong reason or expect more than what marriage can offer. Dr. Gary Thomas, in his book The Sacred Marriage, has noted that marriage makes us achieve holiness more than happiness. When marriage does not make us happy, how then do married couples derive happiness in matrimonial union? There seems to be a distinct difference between happiness and joy. The late Dr. Frank W. Hale expressed the notion that happiness is circumstantial and euphoric, but ‘joy’ is as an attitude or state of mind. Thus, there is a need to find ways for married couples to generate joyous and mutually fulfilling marriage relationships, even in the absence of happiness and amid imperfection, while still striving to attain holiness. Pillars of Joy in Marriage, therefore, will explore ways that God-fearing couples may experience the joy of a mutually fulfilling marriage relationship in the absence of true happiness; in the presence of imperfection, which we inherited from our first parents; and amid the escalating presence of evil. Particularly the question is, since humankind lost the perfect happiness in marriage that prevailed in the pre-sin condition, how do couples achieve joy in the context of living in the post-sin era? Pillars of Joy in Marriage seeks to examine pillars that can generate joy in a marriage even in the face of imperfection and elusive real happiness, while striving for holiness and gearing up for the coming of Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord. The emphasis here is experiencing joy in marriage, not happiness or a euphoric feeling.

Organization

Pillars of Joy in Marriage explores twenty-two pillars of joy. Each subsequent chapter is an analysis of a specific pillar of joy organized into four sections, as follows:

(a) Foundation—Each section starts by establishing a biblical and philosophical foundation for the pillar, based on the psalmist’s declaration, Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain (Psalm 127:1 NIV).

(b) Song—A song appearing within each section expresses how humming hymns along the way of the marriage marathon can help an individual derive internal joy in all seasons of marriage and throughout life’s experiences. The apostle James inquires: Is any among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms (James 5:13 NKJV).

(c) My Story—I share some of my personal experiences, and some experiences of others, to make each pillar real and relevant.

(d) Last Word—This is a reflective summation of each pillar, including final thoughts and general impressions.

Questionnaire and Action Plan

Please note that at the end of Pillars of Joy in Marriage, I have provided a self-assessment exercise to enable the reader to evaluate and take the temperature of his or her own marriage relationship. Following the questionnaire, a framework is provided to give the married couple an opportunity to develop an individualized corrective action plan for revitalizing the marriage, if the reader so desires.

Pillar #1

Perspective on the Marriage Union

Foundation

We walk on the same marital path, but we do not step on the same stones!

—Anonymous

Perspective in Heaven’s Eyes

This pillar examines the joy of having a healthy perspective in times of trial in marriage by asking the reader to look at his or her own marriage through