My Husband Chose the Homewrecker Over Me! Now What?!: A Guide to Discovering, Rebuilding, and Moving Forward after Infidelity and Divorce

By Yolanda Randolph and Roshonda N Blackmon

Girl, Brighter Days Are Ahead. Let Us Tell You Why!

Heyyyyy, Lady! You picked up this book, meaning you need guidance regarding a divorce, relationship, or both! Please consider us your down-to-earth therapists without the jargon and the hourly fees.

Although this book is about divorce, it goes beyond that. If you're

• Language: English
• Publisher: RettieBooks
• Release date: Feb 14, 2023
• ISBN: 9781734385311

Yolanda Randolph

Yolanda Randolph is a Women's Fiction author and the creator of the #HerIntuition Movement, a movement dedicated to empowering and motivating women to be at their best and reminding them of their worth. She is also the creator and the host of the "Her Intuition Movement Podcast."

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My Husband Chose the Homewrecker Over Me, Now What?!

A Guide to Discovering, Rebuilding, and Moving Forward after Infidelity and Divorce

Yolanda Randolph & Roshonda N. Blackmon

Copyright © 2023 by Yolanda Randolph

Publications, RettieBooks, & Roshonda N. Blackmon

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188.

Cover Design by SheerGenius

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any written, electronic, recording, or photocopying without written permission of the publisher or author. The exception would be in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews and pages where permission is specifically granted by the publisher or author.

Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to women who have been in or are currently in the throes of heartache and pain. We hope you find true peace and happiness and remember that you are much stronger than you think.

What Women Are Saying About This Book...

A divorce can happen for various reasons. I really loved the authors’ approach to being unapologetically transparent. I highly recommend this book as it shows a very real way as to how you can triumph after any life-altering event. This easily gets five stars! Me Time Book Club

For every woman who has experienced the pain of divorce, this book is for you! If you are ready to do some work and remove the barriers that have been holding you back from healing, this is a must read. Yolanda and Roshonda provide you with the necessary tools to do some serious soul-searching. You can feel the transparency from both ladies; they keep it real, relatable, and authentic.Brandie Robinson , author of Dear Daughter of God.

Five shining stars for My Husband Chose the Homewrecker Over Me, Now What?! A Sista Girl’s Guide to Discovering, Rebuilding, And Moving Forward After Infidelity and Divorce." 

The honesty, transparency and guidance found in the pages of this book will leave its readers feeling seen, heard and empowered to face any relational challenge. The tips provided are applicable and beneficial to not only people experiencing divorce, but also singles, engaged, and those happily married. The tips given to heal mother and father wounds are so important and necessary for anyone looking or in love. I absolutely love and appreciate the Relationship Detox. I believe it will really help people heal from a breakup in emotional, spiritual, and practical ways. Whether single, married, or divorced, this book is a must-read!" - Shanae M. Artis 

Author of This is NOT My Life; 10 Steps to Overcoming Fear and Adversity Health and Wellness Influencer of The Keto Konnection

"It’s not easy to move beyond the challenges brought on by heartbreak by divorce. This book not only gets to the bare bones of the process, but it validates and normalizes the feelings shared by many who have or are going through a divorce. In My Husband Chose the Homewrecker Over Me, Now What?! illuminate that while on the journey there is an opportunity to gain strength, knowledge, and value. But above all, a time of redefining the self and love."Victoria Sewell Rose, author of Bella’s Blues

Wow! What a read? Vulnerable! In your face, up from the ashes, let me hold your hand Sis and walk you out of it" guide. These ladies put their heart and soul into this book. This is not just a story of strength and survival; it’s a tangible tool to help women who are experiencing the loss of her marriage. My Husband Chose the Homewrecker Over Me, Now What?!... is a practical resource for every divorce coach, therapist, and counselor." Karen Williams, BCPCLC Marriage and Relationship Coach Founder Coach4Life, LLC

Contents

What Women Are Saying About This Book...

INTRODUCTION

The burn begins… Yolanda’s Burn

ROSHONDA’S INTRODUCTION

After The Burn

PART 1

Chapter 1

The Grieving Process

Chapter 2

The Switch Up

Chapter 3

Why not me? Why her?

Chapter 4

Say what now? Who got a baby on the way?!

Chapter 5

How about them in-laws?! Betrayal and betrayal some more…

Chapter 6

Duckin’ & Dodgin’

Chapter 7

My Kids, My Business

PART 2

Chapter 8

Sit in Your Pain

Chapter 9

The Essential Six

Chapter 10

Insomniac Power Play

Chapter 11

The Confrontation…What Confrontation?!

Dear Deadbeat,

PART 3

Chapter 12

Dysfunctional Childhood, Going Once, Going Twice – Let The Burn Begin With Daddy Issues

Chapter 13

Why Does The Right Thing, Feel Like The Wrong Thing?

Chapter 14

Sometimes They Come Back, Again and Again

Chapter 15

Sex And The Ex, The Ex And The Sex

Chapter 16

The Family’s Thoughts of You vs. Your Truth About You

Chapter 17

Did Someone Say the D Word? The Hardships of Divorce

Chapter 18

GIRL, You Betta Leave That Stuff Behind!!

Chapter 19

SELF, Is NOT Selfish!

Chapter 20

Your Finances, Girl, Let’s Talk About It!

Summing it All up!

Yolanda’s Note

Roshonda’s Take

Sources

INTRODUCTION

The burn begins… Yolanda’s Burn

On a rainy September afternoon, in a small church before my family, friends, and most importantly, God, I devoted myself to the man I’ve loved since I was a teenager. He promised me that he would love, honor, and cherish me till death do us part, and I promised him the same. Yes , I whispered to myself when the pastor announced that we were man and wife. We were bonded together, and no man would tear us apart, I told myself. Little did I know, just two short years later, that the same man who promised me that he would love, honor, and cherish me till death would be the one to betray me. A betrayal that I had no experience in.

Sure, I’ve had breakups before, but it was something different about this one. You see, my husband didn’t just have affairs or dabble with other outside interests from time to time; he completely blindsided me—left me with no explanation, no warning, no nothing. There were no noticeable problems in our marriage (My intuition was roaring. We’ll chat about that later), and he would always tell me just how special I was to him, how important I was to him, and we would be together forever. In fact, the marriage was so great, that we were in the process of trying to conceive a baby. We were talking and laughing together one moment while he was supposedly on his lunch break talking about baby names and the colors that we would choose for the baby’s nursery and a few hours later, his girlfriend texted me, from his phone, to inform me that my husband was spending his days with her. Every day that he was supposed to be working all day, he was spending time with another woman. Okay, I spoke softly, we can work this out. That was my plan, but my husband had a totally different plan on what was to become of our marriage. He called me to tell me, his wife, to stop calling his phone. That was the moment when I felt a pain like I’ve never felt before—I had no idea that type of pain existed. Feeling as if I had no life left; my soul was aching. There I was, sitting in a dark room, on the floor, waiting on a new set of fresh tears to fall from my eyes. I was confused and had a gnawing burn within the pit of my stomach. I felt as if I would never feel better, this feeling will last forever, I thought to myself. WRONG! Oh no, that was just the trick of the enemy, lying to me and trying hard to convince me that the battle was lost; that my life didn’t matter, and how easy it was for someone else to decide my fate. Oh no, I am a woman! And the one thing we most certainly can and will do is bounce back.

Keep reading Ms. Lady Strength, we got some rebuilding to do.

You may be saying to yourself, who is this chick, and how is she able to help me to move past this and on with my life after this mess I’m in?! Yep, I can understand that, as I felt the exact same way after one of my many bouts of crying. I rolled my eyes, threw my phone on the floor—dismissing what was said to be from an expert’s website about pain—and turned around to somehow force sleep. Sleep, ha. Yeah right. Sleep almost never came, but again, more on that later. I feel you, so let me explain more about myself and why I just had to jump in to help.

I am by no means an expert in the psychology of heartache. I’m just a woman who’s felt the burn, the ache, and the devastation of heartache. I write this book to help as many women as possible to pull past their pain, maneuver through the healing process, and rebuild the fire after it’s all said and done. I spent countless hours fighting to stay afloat, consoling the argument between my mind and that mean ole sour-hearted reflection in the mirror and working hard not to allow myself to become the bitter, angry black woman whose husband dumped her. Let’s face it, heartache sucks! It’s that one thing that drags us by the hair and knocks us down—locks a tight grip on us as strong as gorilla glue.

When we’re in it, we feel as if nothing or nobody will and/or can ease the pain. In the moment, we feel as if everyone around us is happy, with no issues or no problems. We are the only ones going through hell. Yes, I know all too well. I felt as if I was in a box—suffocating—all by myself. But, after sitting in dark rooms for countless hours, wiping my tearstained face until I felt like I had no facial nerves left, I began to realize that I couldn’t be the only one dealing with such agony. If that were the case, then the late great Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, wouldn’t have sung the song It Hurts Like Hell with such fire and passion. Oh yes, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to that song! I told myself, well, if she’s singing the words that I’m feeling, then I am certainly not the only one who is or will feel this way. I then began to think of other women who’s felt the same agony. I couldn’t think of women who I was in immediate company with as they all seemed to have everything in place with their marriages and relationships. So, I ventured off into the land of celebrities. Some women had their entire breakup, and all of its miserable gloom broadcasted for all the world to see. For instance, let’s talk about Rihanna and Adele. Most of us remember the infamous assault that the beautiful Rihanna suffered at the hands of her then-boyfriend, singer, and songwriter, Chris Brown. It was all over the news and everybody and their mama had an opinion about it.

I was very lost. I have to say that I was very confused. Rihanna said in an interview with Marie Claire UK. She went on to express her feelings saying I felt so out of touch with myself and when that happens…It’s scary because nothing you say or do feels like it’s you. It’s just this one empty vase. I felt like an empty vessel.

Yep, uh-huh, I know I can definitely relate to that feeling.

Years later, after she’d been through the difficult time and hard breakup with Chris Brown, she began dating billionaire, Hassan Jameel and after their breakup, Rihanna’s whole attitude changed. See, she’d been there and done that with all the relationship stuff, telling an interviewer at British Vogue, Since I turned 32, life is really short. You don’t have a lot of time to tolerate s***, you know?

Like most all of us women—at some point in our lives—being famous or a sista girl named Kathy Sue who lives down the street from you, Rihanna had reached a point in her life where she wanted better. She was tired of the rift raft—the ridiculous. I can find so many other scenarios, using some of our favorite people as examples but when I sit back and think about this, the one other person who strongly comes to mind is the Queen of emotion, Adele! So, let’s switch gears to the fabulous songstress. Now, we all know Adele makes fire music, singing about self-reflection and having us work to dig deeper within ourselves while we’re listening and yep, crying too! Oh my Gosh, I am all the way in my feelings when Adele is playing full blast on my speakers. While serenading us, she’s also reflecting on her life—the good, the bad, and the misfortunate. Going through a divorce, she told herself she wanted better. Just like Rihanna, she was done doing what made everybody else happy and finally began focusing on herself. She let go of the marriage that she was in and, soon after, began dating Rich Paul. Yep, she moved on. Now, I don’t know the ins and outs of when and how she began dating him, but when I see her, she looks happy and at peace.

We as women go through a bunch of woes in life, especially when we’re dealing with heartache, pain, and all the ish that comes with it. But you know what? Something happens after we’ve been through hell and back. We regain a power—a strength—that we didn’t know we had. Just like Rihanna and Adele, we watched them go through break ups and heartache. Bullish and crazy. And then, we watched the negative news reports transform into mostly positive. When we see them now, we mainly see them all booed up, heading out to dinner, ball games, concerts, etc.…with their boos. Do you see where I’m going with this? With time, having had enough of the garbage, and working on yourself, you too, will be back in the game. And when I say back in the game, I mean back in the graces of better. Whether that’s in a new relationship or just remembering that you are that chick and flyin’ solo, you’re back in the game of loving YOU. You’ll eventually be back to better. I won’t lie, it’s not easy to come back from heartache, but it’s not impossible! With each chapter, I’ll take you through my own personal burn, sharing stories of my process of maneuvering past my heartache and divorce in hopes that my story will be a motivation for you to push past your pain and to focus on your healing. In part 1, In the Thick of it, we’ll go over:

The Grieving Process: The Sista Girl stages of Grief

The Switch up: How men use this tactic to their advantage

Why not me? Why her? The pitting of the Queens!

The Homewrecker and your man’s baby!

Facing betrayal from in-laws

Duckin’ & Dodgin’ the scene of the crime

Taking care of the kids through all the mess

Next, we’ll transition over to the Rebuilding Process! In part 2, The Fight (Rebuilding the Queen), we’ll jump into:

The importance of Sitting in Your Pain

Building the Essential Six (Prayer, Meditation, Laughter, Distraction, Forgiveness, & Falling in Love all over again… with yourself)

Using Insomnia to your advantage

The Confrontation with your ex

The Handling of the Deadbeat (Dear Deadbeat)

While taking an emotional ride through the peaks and the valleys of heartache, I also share tips and strategies that I found helpful in maneuvering past each obstacle. Again, while getting through the nastiness of heartache and pain stemming from infidelity and divorce is difficult, it is certainly not impossible. I learned first-hand that if you do the work, want better, and remember who you were before the craziness happened, you will come out of this stronger than ever.

ROSHONDA’S INTRODUCTION

After The Burn

The Healing AFTER the BURN – Wake Up Sis!

Hve you ever been in a place in life where you said, Man, I WISH I knew then what I KNOW NOW Of course, you have. We all have! It’s true; hindsight is definitely 20/20, and ignorance is bliss, sister, but here we are. Truth be told, we can’t go back and make changes or doovers. Do you know when true healing begins? When you tell yourself this...

IT HAPPENED; I MADE A MISTAKE & NOW I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

And that something is making sure that you DON’T repeat those mistakes again. Let’s face it; we’re all bound to make mistakes. However, the goal is to not keep making the SAME ones over and over again. I know you may be thinking, but you said I – Girl! Do you have any idea what they did and said to me? While I may not know your specific circumstance, and I can only imagine the details; however, we’re not going to shift blame because time has a way of telling the true story. Seriously Sis, in order to heal, we gotta be real with ourselves first. And that begins with HEALING YOU! Now that’s putting healing into motion.

My name is Roshonda, and I can’t tell you how many mistakes I’ve made regarding divorce and relationships. I used to be the type who loved