Crossing My Jordan: With the Strength of a Woman, Not the Grief of a Child!

By P.J. Taylor

My life begun hard, and it seemed to just become more and more difficult throughout the years. I once lived a life like J.C. Dougard and Elizabeth Smart, but instead of one sexual predator, I had many. They had families to go home to, where I had none, I was forgotten about years, and years ago and pretty much raised myself with only God's guidance since the age of thirteen.

I've been exploited, trafficked, raped, held hostage, kidnapped and more! Then God stepped in, when death was almost beating at my door, He stepped in. Sometimes I feel as if my life wasn't planned by me, but by God. Once you read my story I'm sure you'll understand. You see all of my hopes, dreams, and plans for my life became sidetracked long ago, due to many factors, that took away so many of my plans, my dreams for the future.

Through it all I've become an amazing woman. Able to stand tall and strong, finding my inspirations along the way, and praising God for all of His Angels, Saints, and Prophets who've come along and saved me, rescued me, carried me, and blessed my life so profoundly with their kind, gentle, caring ways. Do you view human beings as just people, or are you able to experience such a close relationship with God that you can view people as the little Gods they are? Aren't we all supposed to be reflections of Our Lord and Savior? Then why aren't you able to view those people for the Gifts they are? Or are you able to see yourself and others how God sees you?

I hope you enjoy the journey of my life, my story, my testimony as much as I enjoyed writing it. My story is a story of tragedy, but yet it is also one full of inspiration, hope, strength, courage, family, and love. But mainly my story is about Life's Lesson's Learned. Enjoy!

P.J. Taylor

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 28, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465337764

P.J. Taylor

My life begun hard, and it seemed to just become more and more difficult throughout the years. I once lived a life like J.C. Dougard and Elizabeth Smart, but instead of one sexual predator, I had many. They had families to go home to, where I had none, I was forgotten about years, and years ago and pretty much raised myself with only God's guidance since the age of thirteen. I've been exploited, trafficked, raped, held hostage, kidnapped and more! Then God stepped in, when death was almost beating at my door, He stepped in. Sometimes I feel as if my life wasn't planned by me, but by God. Once you read my story I'm sure you'll understand. You see all of my hopes, dreams, and plans for my life became sidetracked long ago, due to many factors, that took away so many of my plans, my dreams for the future. Through it all I've become an amazing woman. Able to stand tall and strong, finding my inspirations along the way, and praising God for all of His Angels, Saints, and Prophets who've come along and saved me, rescued me, carried me, and blessed my life so profoundly with their kind, gentle, caring ways. Do you view human beings as just people, or are you able to experience such a close relationship with God that you can view people as the little Gods they are? Aren't we all supposed to be reflections of Our Lord and Savior? Then why aren't you able to view those people for the Gifts they are? Or are you able to see yourself and others how God sees you? I hope you enjoy the journey of my life, my story, my testimony as much as I enjoyed writing it. My story is a story of tragedy, but yet it is also one full of inspiration, hope, strength, courage, family, and love. But mainly my story is about Life's Lesson's Learned. Enjoy! P.J. Taylor

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Copyright © 2011 by P.J. Taylor.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2011912268

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4653-3775-7

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4653-3774-0

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4653-3776-4

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

Forward

Chapter One Troubled Childhood

Chapter Two Strength Of A Woman

Chapter Three Standing Alone

Chapter Four Lost And Confused

Chapter Five Hell On Earth

Chapter Six Comes The Dawn

Chapter Seven Gifts From God

Chapter Eight Live And Learn

Chapter Nine Fresh Pain

Chapter Ten Friend’s Of Mine

Chapter Eleven F.I.N.E. Point

Chapter Twelve Those That Matter

Chapter Thirteen Restoring My Faith

Chapter Fourteen Crossing My Jordan

Chapter Fifteen Love Denied

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my One true friend!! He is my best friend, no I will not let you know his name. He cares unconditionally for me!! He has no expectations of me. He is a kind, humble man. He lives his life quietly and he doesn’t let too many people in. He shies away from others. He tells me people get in their own way of finding happiness and fulfillment. He brings me joy and makes me smile every day!! He is constantly on my mind!! I am so grateful for him!! He is one of the most well put together, well-rounded individuals you will ever want to meet!! He is smart, funny, intelligent, he is logical, and he is there for me each and every time I call, for the most part. He does keep me at arms length some times. You see I know he knows I have feelings for him. When I get completely honest with myself about him, and why he means so much to me, I know why that is. As I said earlier; I have suffered at the hands of others just about every type of abuse there is to suffer through. I told all of you that no, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, just as I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. You see I am not broken, nor do I need to be fixed!! I have not lost the battle, nor have I been destroyed by any of this!! He knows that. There is still great joy that resides in this heart. I have a sense of strength, will, courage and strong determination!! I am smart, funny, and very intelligent as well!

You see my best friend has never judged me!! When I first sat down and told him my story, he looked at me and told me that wasn’t your fault; you know that right? When he told me that, I knew he looked at me in a different light than most people I have come to know. I remember leaving his home after sharing a meal with him and crying tears of relief. For the first time in my life . . . I felt like I had met someone that understood!! From that point on I knew this was someone I could trust, someone I could confide in. Our friendship is based on honesty and truth. I have no secrets from him. He knows everything there is to know about me. Best of all my best friend accepts me just the way I am. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, I know I can confide in him fully and totally. He’ll listen without bias or judgment.

If he has advice for me, he offers it. If he can’t help me to solve something, he’s always there to listen. Sometimes it may take him a couple of days to make logic of it all, but if he has insight to help, he gladly gives it!! This is why he’s my best friend!! All I can say is thank you my friend. I thank God for you each and every day. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, and more so, you always will be!!

On top of all of that, he let’s me know he’s proud of me. That means so much!! I get judged, looked at funny, and talked about all the time. So to know that at least one person sees me for all that I am, it makes all the difference. That’s all I need, all I’ve ever needed!! I will always celebrate my best friend for the meaning he brings to my life!!

This book is also dedicated to My Lord, My Father, My Abba, My King that gave me a reason to wake up every day, a reason to look forward to tomorrow, a reason to smile, a reason to laugh, and to love, and to be grateful, for the way He’s worked in my life.

I love You Lord. You have been a true blessing to this woman who has traveled so far and spent many years of her life having to depend upon the system, and the kindness of strangers to get by and to make it through. Thank you Lord, for those Angels, those Saints, those Prophets that you’ve sent my way over the years that have helped me make it, to succeed, to live, to survive, and to thrive.

I also thank You Lord for fathering me. I thank You for leading me and guiding me all along the way as I took this journey through life pretty much alone from the ages of 13 to 23 . . . and as I walk alone now Lord; other than the few close friends I have. Thank You so much Lord for stepping in and rescuing me each and every time You did Lord. It seemed like You just kept saying It’s not your time yet P.J., your journey’s not over, you still have a lot more living, growing, and loving to do!

This book is also dedicated to the three young men that I’ve spent raising and trying to make a difference in their lives by being a power of example in the way I live mine! You are Blessings from above and it has been truly my pleasure to love you, to mother you, to care for you, and to watch you grow! I’m so thankful to God for you young men, because when I needed a reason, you were my reason, and so was God! Your laughter, your hugs, your surprise, your smiles, your joy was what mattered most to me . . . . to this mother. I tried my best to fulfill your needs, your wants, your desires as I cared for your spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical well being. I’ve taken the time to get to know each one of you individually, I hope to be there to support your hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. I’ve so loved watching you grow, I hope for many more years of being here to see each one of you become young men! I love you sons, I hope you know that, thank God for little boys!

Forward

How many of us live by judge not lest ye be judged? How many of us truly believe in but for the Grace of God there go I? How many of us look at that stranger at the bus stop or on the street and wonder about their story or their struggle? How many of us are dealing with or going through enough of our own struggles not to care? Are you so cold hearted or too self absorbed to even care? Do you condemn those who aren’t as blessed as you? Do you look down on that young woman standing on the corner or aggravated by the bum standing in front of the store begging again today for a dollar, or how about the single mom that comes asking once again; wanting to borrow some sugar or milk? Or a few eggs to feed herself or her children with? Aren’t you more blessed than they, that you can do that for them? Then why are you so heartless and cold to deny her, that young girl, that bum, or single mother?

Sure he may use the money to go and buy another bottle of wine and not choose to feed himself, or the prostitute may take that money to buy drugs, instead of using it to find a safe place to lay her head. Guess what though, WE ALL have our vices, things we can’t seem to let go of, things that are holding us back from truly learning how to be free and live our lives freely!! We all have things we turn to for comfort in times of trials or pain. It could be food, women, men, drugs, sex, alcohol, sucking your fingers, money, shopping, or chewing gum and popping it loudly as you sit there seething in the pain and anger of the way things are going or the way your life has turned out!! So STOP judging!! You have your vices, just as I have mine, just as everyone else has, or has had theirs in the past!! They may have Crossed their Jordan, just as I am now crossing mine, and let go of that need, they may pick it up again or a new vice when things seem uncertain again for them. These are things we do as people, so stop judging, and start helping someone who may just be looking for some comfort, some understanding and some support, from a stranger, a family member or a friend!! Won’t you or can’t you be that support system for them. Won’t you or can’t you be that one person who helps them out without criticizing or condemning them for going through the trial or tribluation they are going through? Can’t you put yourself in their shoes? Can’t you show them a little bit of compassion and understanding? Like I heard Dr. Phil say one time it takes very, very little effort to show someone some compassion or some concern, or to listen!!

Do you really understand what your purpose is? Do you constantly question it? Do you wonder whether there is a God? Do you sometimes ask why am I even here? What is my purpose? Have you turned cold and bitter behind the pain someone else has caused you? Or do you lend a hand to hold, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on? Do you know what it means to do God’s works? Do you know how many people are out there and have not been as blessed as you? Do you care enough to reach out to them or do you just do nothing or even worse walk away?

Do you leave them standing alone? Do you care from a distance? Too afraid to get close to them, too afraid that whatever’s wrong with them might rub off on you? Do you just donate money to some organization thinking that’s enough, do you help out only at arms length? When is the last time you as a person, your care, your concern, compassion, you reaching out and lending a hand had a profound effect on one person? When is the last time you allowed yourself to care about someone else’s struggle? How many of us has truly taken the time to care enough, reach out a hand to that one child, that one abused woman, that one single mother, that one lonely man, that one homeless guy, that one lost soul? Are you still able to care unconditionally, love unconditionally, and appreciate those around you for WHO they are and the meaning or purpose they bring to your life? Because even if you can’t see it right now, WE ALL HAVE A PURPOSE.

Well then I think it’s time you’ve heard my story. I was once someone who felt like they were left standing alone. I had been turned away from, not wanted, not cared about, and truly did not feel loved. I have endured more pain, more heartache, more abuse, more ridiculing than one person should have ever had to endure in this lifetime or any lifetime!! When you read my story YOU will SEE and UNDERSTAND how simple tragedies have just happened in my life. Not because I asked them to. Not because I wanted them to, and definitely not because I did ANYTHING wrong, because I DID NOT. My life has been full of unfortunate events that have occurred one right after the other!! So please, please don’t judge me!! I ALREADY do that enough myself!! I am far, far from being perfect, but I AM HIS child, and so ARE YOU.

I have people that THINK they know me do that every single day of my life!! You see I live in a very small community. It’s a town filled with all walks of life, because I live and had worked at a very large naval base for years. No, I will not let you know where I live, because of the life I have escaped. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or come looking for me now!! My family chose to stop loving me long ago. There are still men out there looking for me. Like the sick, twisted man that I escaped from twenty years ago!! He once sent a message to me through one of my children’s family members years after I left Washington D.C. He had me living in fear even then. I would be scared to walk out to my car alone at night time and go to work for a long, long time!!

But through it all I have still been able to love without condition; because I believed, because I walked by faith and not by sight. Because I listened to my OWN voice, because I CHOSE to believe!! For if I walked by sight I would have turned out being like my abusers, accusers, my rapists, my stalkers, and my attackers. I would have been hard hearted, cold, and bitter. Not caring who I hurt or how I hurt them. Enjoying inflicting pain on others like pain had been inflicted on me.

Sometimes I think to myself it’s a wonder I didn’t give up a long, long time ago. Sometimes I don’t know where I found the inner strength to keep fighting, to endure, to overcome, to escape the hell that I endured. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t give up still. Because although life is a lot better today than it was back then, it is still a struggle.

But in my heart I sing and rejoice. Because I know it is only through my belief and my faith that I am able to smile, to laugh, to love, to be a friend, a true friend, and to be able to care for others unconditionally, because I place expectation on NO one!! I am just someone out here looking for a friend, a support system, someone to love and accept me for who I am!! I try always to be the best friend I can be!! It’s only because of my faith that I know life will get better and it can get better, I’ve come so far already and I know he has more wonderful miracles ahead for me . . . . if I just believe, and I would like to believe. If I have faith, do the footwork, hold steadfast and endure . . . . His blessings will reign down on me and my life!! GOD surrounds me with His angels, His love, His Grace, and His Mercy, they help see me through each and every storm that I have weathered. THEY help carry me, they help me feel safe and secure no matter where I lay my head at now, or where I’ve had to lay my head at in the past. I know I am surrounded by HIS angels!! Yes I do believe that GOD’S angels do walk among us. Once you hear my story maybe you will believe too. Once you understand who they are!! Maybe you’ll be able to see me for the Angel I am, for the way I bless other people every day!! Maybe you’ll be able to see me for what I AM worth, for my value!! Regardless of my past or the struggles I’m still facing today!!

You see I have learned to live my life by just a few simple principles that I learned from the Bible. One is Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged. The other is But For The Grace of GOD There Go I!! You never know who you may be worshipping with on a Sunday morning, who your standing in line behind in the grocery store, or who your neighbor is, unless your willing to take the time to listen and to care about their story or their journey. They may be just the one to teach you something. THEY may be the one that helps you learn how to make it through, to care, to be more compassionate and understanding.

I used to love those specials like where in the world is Matt Lauer, or the newscaster Steve Hartman that throws a dart behind his head, it lands somewhere and away he goes. He is in a phone booth searching for a page and a name to call. You see we all have a story!!

I remember their used to be this man that used to say to me, I sure would like to hear your story. I didn’t even entertain him enough to let him hear any parts of it. In his drunk induced state he would have not understood ME at ALL. Besides I knew he was just looking for one thing in the end. A piece of me that I wasn’t willing to part with!!

Some people tell me that I’m one of the strongest women they know, some people praise me for the mother I am, some people love me because of the type of friend I am. I love without condition. I care and show concern and appreciation for others on a constant basis!! It’s because there were conditions that were always placed on me. I care and I take the time to listen. I lend a hand whether it’s to a neighbor down the street, my friend that is running short on clothes, the little boy with no school shoes, the addict that’s suffering once again, the single mother that needs a night out, any way I can be a friend and help out I DO IT!! I donate clothes, shoes, books, household goods, money, anything I don’t use or can’t wear anymore, I pass it on to someone who is less fortunate than I.

I don’t come to you writing this book as someone well to do, because I am not. I actually live smack dab in the middle of this town I no longer want to live in, in a beautiful pre-manufactured home, custom made, and hand picked by me!! Nate Burgeus of the Oprah show was my inspiration for that one!! Thanks Nate!! It’s beautiful inside, because it is my creation!! Where people look at me and judge me every single day. I can’t have company or a male friend stop by to visit without them whispering or talking about me. I live in a neighborhood I don’t want my sons to be in. I love my home but I can’t stand where it is located!! I just endure it because I know it’s not my final destination and GOD does have something else in store for me!! Many things have taken place and happened to not just me but also to my precious little boys over the past four years that we’ve lived here. That’s one of the reasons I chose to get my sons away from here. It breaks my heart every day that I can’t look into their eyes or their little beautiful faces. It breaks my heart every day that I can’t hug my sons, hear their voice or kiss them goodnight. But I had to do it for me and for them!!

Some of you mothers or women out there who read this may read it and think that I am the worst mother in the world for what I did recently. Actually it will be a year ago July 21, 2010. But I want you to understand that no woman deserves to be disrespected by anyone, by any family member, or by any man!! Whether it be your son, your daughter, your pastor, your husband, your nephew, or whomever else may be treating you like your less than. You are not!! You are God’s child and His creation!! You are precious in His sight, if nobody else’s. Remember that and believe that!! I know this book is MY calling! GOD placed this on my heart some time ago. He made me continue to go out there even when I didn’t want to. HE has me at a point right now where I feel so broken, so tired and so worn down. I have days that all I do is sit in front of my computer plucking away. I sometimes forget to eat, and at times I have absolutely no desire for food. I know once this book is written and released I will take better care of myself than I am right now. You see I do want to be around for a lot more years celebrating, enjoying, and living MY life!!

I can’t lie to you though and say I am in perfect health, because I am not. Far from it. I have lots and lots of medical issues that need to be fixed, and I hope and pray that it’s not my final calling. I’m not ready to go home yet, to My Father, and I hope HE doesn’t call me home when I finish this book. I hope and pray He helps me find the happiness, the completeness I’ve been looking and searching for!! You see I already know what it’s going to take to make me feel fulfilled. I may still after I write this book never find that, and that’s okay, I will just accept it and MOVE ON, like my best friend says!! I want to truly live a little, with no worries, and no regrets!! You see I already know my faults, my flaws, and my defects of character!! Do you know yours? Have you figured out what sets you apart from everyone else? I hope and pray that after I write this book HE does send HIS angels, right here on earth, my way. I have many, many medical issues that need to be tended to. I have some things I’d like to do, not to enhance my beauty, but to fix the things that are damaged, and maybe take a few years off of this tired, but lovely face!! But you wouldn’t ever know it by looking at me.

The following is my story and my journey. I’m sure once you read it there will probably be self doubt that I went through all of this . . . . but I did. I lived it and I survived it!! Through His Grace, His Mercy, and my own self-will and determination. My strength that has NEVER ALLOWED me to give up!! When I tell my children that there is nothing they can tell me that would shock or surprise me. It’s because of my story. When I tell my children that no matter what they go through in life I’m always here and I’ll always be understanding and not judge them, well it’s because of my story, my life, my journey.

Please as you read don’t think to yourself how could this young woman let her self get caught up in these things, but realize I raised myself practically and was very young, very vulnerable and naïve. I was without guidance for most of my life. What I learned was mostly taught to me indirectly. Not from a caring meaningful relationship with my family. Not by a family that provided me support, understanding, care, and compassion. Realize that I didn’t have parents who wanted me; I didn’t have parents that truly loved me, or even cared about raising me or how I was raised.

I hope you realize when you read my story, that these things that happened to me were not things I asked to happen to me, they just did!! I’ve pretty much lived a life full of Murphy’s Law, because if it CAN happen to ANYONE it HAS happened to ME!! You see there are mean and evil doers everywhere you look, just as there are good, kind, well-meaning people to help you out and guide you properly through this journey called LIFE!!

I don’t know why God chose to keep me sane, safe, and secure, but I’d like to believe it’s because I have a greater purpose and a Higher calling, I’d like to believe that it’s because I do have a story to tell that might save some single mother, some young woman out there running, chasing a dream, or holding on to the past, someone who may have experienced or is experiencing some of the same pain and tragedies I’ve lived through. Just as I’d like to believe the songs and poems I write are His words speaking through me. I’d also like to believe that God wants me to reveal my pain, my tragedies, my suffering to the world to hopefully, change a heart, save a lost soul, or make a woman or a man look at themselves or those around them much, much differently than before. I’d like to think that after you read this that maybe you too will be someone’s Angel. I’d like to think that God is using me because HE does need people of today to help change the world. God is seeking His REAL disciples to step forward, to have their voices be heard or show their faces. Our world, the world God created and blessed US with is becoming more and more violent, more young people being led astray, their becoming followers instead of leaders, sex and drugs are everywhere these days! He needs people of today to step out of their comfort zone to help others to understand, see things more clearly, or learn to treat others differently.

To EVERY woman, single mother, sister, daughter, grandmother to those who have been abused, raped, exploited, made to feel like they’re not worthy. To those women struggling every single day to provide for their family, to those working long, long hours, to those women out here who are giving life their ALL, please, please don’t give up!! Don’t let anyone tell you what you aren’t worthy of or capable of, because YES you are!! I want to tell you don’t listen to those judging you, looking down on you, those trying to diagnose you, those trying to hold you back from your FULL potential!! I hope and pray you receive my message that GOD has placed on my heart. I hope you can see how truly capable and worthy we all are. EVERY single woman out there!!

Find your inner voice and follow it!! Listen to it!! Don’t listen to your critics, your judges, those condemning you or belittling you. They do not matter and they are unimportant. Don’t give them fuel for the fire, as a matter of fact draw from the good things others have to say to you, accept the kindness of a stranger, or a friend and leave the rest alone! Because you see there is always going to be someone out there who doesn’t like the way you dress, carry yourself, or the things you do. These people are trying to break you, make you feel unworthy, unloved, and they will make your heart cold and bitter to the point you may never be able to love again!! They may end up leaving you feeling as if what’s the use, why do I even try so hard? You do it for YOU, your children and your family, if for no one else . . . . DO IT FOR YOU!! You don’t have to be perfect in their sight, but ALWAYS know that YOU ARE perfect in GOD’S sight!! Trust and believe there is someone high above that’s looking down on you. I know because HE has carried ME all along the way!! He loves you and He’s there protecting, guiding, and leading you all along the way!! He DOES provide for us, our families, and our children every single day!! Trust me I know!! All GOD wants us to do is trust and believe!!

I ALLOW myself TIME!! I allow myself time to listen to that inner voice. I allow myself a chance to get to know WHO I AM, what my interests are, what my talents are, and what my make up of character is. I allow myself the ability to see what everyone else sees in me by taking the good things from people who truly know me, and listening and believing in what they have to say about me, I choose to allow myself to see me as they that truly care about me and know me see me!! I allow myself time to discover new possibilities. I allow myself time to heal, time to get away, but most of all I ALLOW myself time to listen. I listen to my heart and my conscious. I LET them be MY guide!! I believe GOD speaks to all of us through our hearts and our conscious, then HE reaches in and frees our spirit and saves our soul, IF WE ALLOW HIM TO!! ALL YOU have to do is LISTEN, TRUST, AND BELIEVE, in HIM and your inner voice!! LET it be HEARD!!

I’ve had to because I have basically raised myself since the age of ten when my own mother began being hospitalized in a mental institution. You see nobody ever truly raised me. I raised me and I am PROUD of the WOMAN I’ve turned out to be!! Although I am NOT perfect and my life still has lots and lots of issues still remaining today, I know that if I remain focused on HIS will, HIS voice that speaks through me, if I stop trying to do it ALL myself, and tap into my resources, mainly the resource of Prayer, everything will be just fine!! I have no choice but to believe that. Ladies learn to tap into YOUR resources as well. Take and accept the help of a well meaning friend, not one that wants to rob you of your most precious gift. But a friend that’s willing to give to you without any expectations in return. I have a friend like that, he is MY best friend!!

Learn what local agencies can do to help you make it. Turn to your church, friend or neighbor. I had to call up a friend today and ask her to bring me some food because right now God has me too busy to be worrying about cooking!! You may get ten no’s, but you may also get that one yes!! That one yes that’s going to help you to provide for your family one more day, I know it’s hard humbling yourself and asking for help. I don’t like the way that feels either!! I can’t stand it actually. It’s the worst feeling in the world to me to have to walk into my local Social Services and turn to them for help. I know there is someone probably a lot less fortunate out there that I may be taking funds from, but guess what I was a taxpaying citizen once myself, for MANY years. I actually used to work for our local agency. Since I lost my children’s father to mental illness I’ve had to turn to them from time-to-time. Do you know how much I hate when they question me, or when they judge me, or when they tell me they can’t help me anymore. These folks I once worked side-by-side with!! It’s an awful, awful, feeling!!

Another thing I do is find my inspirations. I look at Oprah and say wow!! What an amazingly, blessed life she leads!! I look at Mary J. Blige and I’m stunned and amazed at her strength and beauty. I listen to the soulful words of Alicia Keyes. Her Just As I Am album is my favorite. I listen to it over and over again. Something about the words to those songs that just inspires me!! They inspire me to keep going, to keep fighting the fight, to be that superwoman, and I AM!! I love you ladies tremendously!! I have been an admirer and a fan from afar for a very long time. You inspire me to keep going and moving ahead on this journey. I know if you came out of your pain and misery, then so can I!! You inspire me to carry myself with poise, self respect, and an heir about myself!! People look at me and think that I’m a fine, well put together woman. People look at me and know not of my financial struggles, because I look upon myself and I take care of me, for the most part!! I keep my hair done, my makeup done, I dress well, not expensively, but well. Sometimes when I can afford it, I treat myself to a pedicure, a manicure, or a massage. It’s not something I can afford all the time. I shop clearance racks and buy name brand stuff!! I wear Rock-a-wear, Baby Phat, South Pole, and Apple Bottom. I do it on a budget and you can too!! I search for deals, and find them!!

You see my close girlfriends have been begging me to write my book for a very, very long, long time. They tell me all the time that I have something to teach them and other women. I accomplish things and I get things done!! It may not be the way someone else does it, and it may not suit you, and some of the things I have to do to take care of myself and my family I’m not always proud of. But I do know that one day GOD will forgive me for them, because I AM HIS CHILD. Although I may walk among you I am not of this earth and neither are ANY ONE of you!! YOU are HIS CHILD as well. So remember that when people criticize, condemn, judged or belittle you. It matters not what they say or they think. It matters what GOD says and how HE sees YOU!! It matters how YOU view yourself. We are ALL here but for a very short time, our destiny is not of this world, but our destiny is to work toward the goal of one day to become befitting enough to sit at the right hand of OUR Father!! You can still do that in this somewhat out of control, chaotic, hectic, troubled world we live, work, and play in!!

I’m not telling you this as a Christian woman that sits on a church pew every Sunday morning. Because I DON’T!! Once you read my story and the tremendous amounts abuse I’ve suffered, the different types of abuse I’ve suffered ALL of MY life YOU will understand why!! I go through this type of abuse each and every single day still. There is constantly someone still trying to exploit me, lie to me, steal from me, break my spirit. There are still people trying to rob me of my very essence, the innermost part of me!! I don’t want to sacrifice that to anyone that isn’t of importance to me and my life any longer!! Neither should you ladies!! This goes out to EACH and every woman out there. From all walks of life!! Young and old alike. I don’t ask for the things that have happened to me at all. They happen. They have been continuing to happen as I do HIS work and fulfill my destiny.

You see you don’t have to sit in church every single Sunday to let GOD know you are serving HIM. You don’t have to sit there with a bunch of hypocritical people staring back at you, because some churches are filled with them!! No YOU can serve GOD and HIS purpose right there where you stand at today. You can be at home and have conversations with HIM. You can sit on your couch and read and study your Bible, by yourself, or if you have a close friend that believes as you believe . . . . invite THEM in!! They may have a better understanding of something written that you are trying so hard to grasp but just can’t seem to understand alone!!

Throughout my book I will make a few references to the Bible, words that inspire me and have touched my life. Throughout my book I will touch on a few authors as well whose books helped me to change my way of thinking and viewing things. Please, please as you read my story, do so without judgment and just learn from my story and receive the messages I’m trying to relay to you through my writing. There will also be poems and songs I’ve written. These are words GOD places upon my heart. These are words HE tells me to write. Sometimes HE awakes me at 1:00 a.m. to do so!! But HE gave me a gift, a talent, and if I don’t use it, HE will not bless me with anymore. I believe this talent was inherited to me from my mother. She was a writer as well and she wrote beautifully!!

As you read my story, as you walk my journey with me, I hope you will see how broken I had to become to get to this point, I hope you can feel the tremendous amounts of pain I’ve been through!! Most of all I hope when your reading you see me as a message of hope. My friends who truly know me, tell me all the time that I am a message of hope!! I will write under an assumed name and I won’t be using the names of those that are closest to me in my life as well, I have to protect their privacy and preserve their dignity!! I respect and cherish these people with every fiber of my being!! I will use the names of past family members. I have to so you my audience isn’t left feeling confused or left doubting that angels and disciples walk, live, reside, and work beside each and every one of us on a daily basis. You may be one, maybe it’s your neighbor, or your best friend!! Will you take the time now and take a deeper closer look at one another? Will you each and every citizen of our country learn from my story? My journey? Sometimes my story will be lighthearted and make you laugh!! I am sure many, many people will have a lot of mixed emotions when they’re done reading, but please do!!

I will share one of my mother’s poems with you now in her memory. I miss her tremendously but I learned a lot from what she had to go through. I learned to not let it happen to me!! I learned to find a way out, to escape!! Eventually I learned to Stand Up for Me and My Life. This is in my mother’s memory and honor. My mother’s poem that she wrote and I have never forgotten!!

Unforgotten

I took each golden memory,

That you and I have shared,

I locked them in a treasure chest,

As if I never cared.

And as if we never met,

But in the stillness of the night I seem to see you yet.

It’s when the rain is falling,

Or when the moon is low,

Or when I walk down Memory Lane,

It’s then I seem to know.

How much you really cared,

And how much our love could grow.

You’re Unforgotten.

Chapter One

 TROUBLED CHILDHOOD

As far back as I can remember which I believe was about the age of three. I was a bright-eyed, whitish blonde, curly haired little tomboy. Everything my big brother did I wanted to do. Everywhere he went I wanted to go. He took me under his wing and helped me escape what I seen and experienced in my own home. There was one more child she was my sister. We were stair steps. There was 13 months and 1 day between my brother and my sister, my brother being the oldest. There were 13 months and 5 days between me and my sister with me being the youngest. We all looked alike. We were all these little curly haired toe heads with big bright bluish gray eyes. My grandmother showed me a picture once of all three of us sitting in front of a big birthday cake with red shirts on and blue shorts and you couldn’t tell which child was which.

Little did I know until later in life that there was a fourth child. My mother had been raped by her father and she had given birth to his child. It was a girl also. I can’t remember what my mother said her name was. She died of double pneumonia before she ever really had a chance at life. She was taken away. God had called his little angel back home.

I took to my brother more than anyone else in my family. He was fun!! What he did was exciting!! Even if most of it did lead us, mainly him into trouble. But he took me away from all that I had to endure at home. I remember times when he would creep into my room at 5 or 6 in the morning and shake me and say come on time to get up little girl, you’re coming with me!

And oh the adventures he would take me on! They were wonderful, exciting, and sometimes scary all at the same time. For instance the Ohio Historical Center was one of our favorite places. We loved looking at the dinosaur bones and fossils and such. It would be nothing for him to take me and my sister in tow and cross a four lane highway early in the morning just to get us there. We were very young at the time. I think we were 5,6,and 7 years of age. There were times he would take me fishing, sneak in our neighbors pool, explore a burnt down building, our adventures were our escape.

You see when I was very, very young I remember probably since the age of three my father drinking constantly and flaunting women in front of my mother and abusing her. In turn she abused us and took her anger out on us. I remember him bringing this fiery red-haired woman into our home on numerous occasions with his hand in hers. He didn’t care what we thought or our mother either for that fact.

My father worked at an auto parts store for most of his life. He eventually worked his way up to manager. Although I will never know how he got that position considering the way he drank. It didn’t matter to my father Robert when or where he drank. For many years he carried a flask full of Seagram’s Seven right in his jacket pocket and used to mix it with his coffee first thing in the morning when he woke up or when he got to work. He was a cruel man, an evil man, a relentless man. He never even wanted me to be born.

My mother told me when I was about ten or eleven how he beat her and punched her and threw her down the stairs when she was pregnant with me. Because he said he already had his boy and his girl and he didn’t want anymore children. So he tried to kill me while my mother was trying to carry me in her womb.

I don’t really recall the abuse he put us through until like I said around the age of three. I’m sure there was much more that my mother, brother, and sister went through that I don’t even know about. How he grew up to be such a mean, cruel, evil man I will never know. If you were to meet his mother, his father, his brother and his family, you would question it yourself.

These people were the salt of the earth. They were a wonderful family, with good morals, good values, and a strong family bond. As a matter-of-fact they were the only ones in my life that ever offered any type of normalcy to mine. My grandmother loved to cook. Everything she did she did from scratch. I used to spend countless hours in the kitchen with my grandma. People would call and order food from her. When I went for a visit I would eat so much I would be sick on the ride back home. Her name was Stella Josephine. But you better never call her Stella!! I loved her so much. She was a tough, strong woman. She loved life, her husband, her sons, her grandchildren, but most of all she loved God. His spirit shined through her like a light. She played the organ at church, she played on the woman’s soft ball team and she sang his praises every day. I truly loved that woman.

My heart though, my heart was with my grandfather. His name was Paul. My grand daddy was my knight in shining armor. He was a man with a heart of gold. He would do anything for anybody. Everywhere my grandfather went you could best believe that this bright-eyed little toe head wasn’t too far behind. I would be walking in his footsteps lingering a little behind. My grandfather meant everything to me. He was exactly what I wanted in a father, but couldn’t have. I was named after both of my grandparents.

I spent hours upon hours with my grandfather when I could, whether it would be at the nearest fishing hole, going to the dump together, or going square dancing at the senior’s center with people four or five times my age!! It didn’t matter to me what we were doing that day, what mattered was spending time with my granddad.

My favorite times with my grandparents though was in the garden they had out back, hanging clothes on the line, or snapping green beans on the front porch in their double-seater swing. These were the times I felt peace, these were the times I felt my families love, these were the times I listened while they talked, these were the times when I experienced and admired the bond of love between two people. These are the times I cherished most during my childhood. These are the times I connected with God and His spirit, they were the only ones that brought that out in me, the only ones that truly nurtured that in me.

Let me not leave my Uncle Dan out or my Aunt Donna Jean. They also were a wonderful couple. They had a huge dairy farm somewhere in Ohio. My uncle had eighty-eight cattle back then and owned probably half of the county. They had six wonderful children!!

The last time I spent time there with my uncle and aunt each one of my cousins had their own vehicles and most of them had their own homes. My uncle was the type of man who rewarded my cousins for all of their hard work. It wasn’t an easy task getting up at 4 or 4:30 every morning feeding the cattle and hooking them up to the milking machines. That doesn’t count the horses, the pigs, the chickens and such. On top of that I remember my uncle having acre upon acre of corn and hay, which was more responsibility. But my cousins did everything they were asked to do. Yes there were times when they didn’t want to or they may have put up a fuss, but each one of them knew they had to do what they had to do to maintain the farm; it was their livelihood, their bread and butter.

They were raised and came up to be beautiful human beings three boys and three girls. My oldest cousin was Don. He had a wife named Mary and they had two sons. The there was Bonnie and her husband Ebert. Next came my cousin Faith and her husband Terry and they had two little girls. Then there was my cousin Tim he was always the quiet shy one. The last two are my cousins Ted and Tammy. I was closest to them probably because of the distance in age between me and my other cousins.

I loved being on the farm and working side-by-side with all of them. Being with them, all of them, showed me how a real family should function. Like I said before these people offered me the only normalcy I’d ever experienced in my young life.

You see in my home it was nothing but turmoil, hatred, and resentments. I believe my father resented the fact that he married my mother. I believe he resented having the responsibility of us children I think he was one of those men that either just married my mom because she was pregnant with his child, or thought he wanted a family but we slowed him down. We hindered his life; we were nuisances, stumbling blocks for this man whose only real concern was when his next drink was going to be.

I remember so many times my father coming home from work drunk when he walked in the door. He would curse my mom out or beat her, grab the newspaper and fall asleep on the couch, never having time for his children. Barely acknowledging we were even there.

I mean sure he might come in and kiss me on my forehead or say How are my girls doing? But other than that there was no real physical or emotional love displayed by my father.

There were times I wish he would have never came home. There were times I cringed when he walked through that door. Not knowing what type of mood he was in, or which one of us was going to suffer abuse that evening because he had a bad day.

I’ve seen my dad pick my brother up and throw him up against a wall and knock him unconscious at the age of seven or eight, just because my brother took a little money to entertain his sisters, to keep us busy and out of trouble. I’m not condoning my brother taking the money, but to have to suffer such abuse from this man was a huge price to pay.

There were times I’d be afraid to come home from school, not knowing what I’d find when I came home. Not knowing whether my father had taken lunch that day and had come home and beaten my mother. I was always afraid of that. There had been times I’d seen my father beat my mother as high as three times in one day. This was continuous. It never ended. The slightest thing would trigger this man’s temper, such as waking him up off the couch and telling him it was time for dinner. He would come up swinging, cursing, and hollering at us.

My brother and my mother suffered most of the abuse by the hands of my father. My brother would step in to defend our mother and he would beat him and my mom, all at the same time. These are images that used to be hard to shake!! These are memories that used to bring burning tears to my eyes or wake me from a sound sleep.

Another time I remember significantly is the time my mother was across the street at her best friend’s house, sharing a drink with them. It was fine for my father to drink and gallivant with women, but it was not fine for my mother to do the same in turn. Her responsibility was in the home; taking care of the house, us children, and making sure his food was prepared when he finally decided to come home.

I remember this beating so clearly, like it was yesterday. My mother came home bloody that night, severely bloody. He had split her head open!! He had went to her best friend’s house beat her, and split her head open on their bar. I believe it was over close to a hundred stitches my mother had received that night to close up her head. I remember her driving, all three of us kids in the car, and her crying and screaming in excruciating pain. How it use to break my heart to see my mother go through all that she went through with my father.

I’ve seen him break her nose, black her eyes, leave bruises all up and down this beautiful woman’s body. My mother was so beautiful. I remember seeing this picture of my father and mother together not too long after they first met. They looked like they should have been in Hollywood!! He was in his black suit with his arms around her slim waist. She with her striped pleated skirt and starched white shirt!! They were so striking together, but my mother’s beauty was extraordinary in that picture. She was a tall lady, she stood about 5'10" in height. She had a wonderful smile, hazel green eyes, and a figure to die for! She was gorgeous. She weighed about 150 pounds most of her life. To think that he scarred her, beat her, abused her, and ruined that beauty makes my stomach wretch.

Her name was Anita. I will reveal first names of family members throughout this book, but I will not reveal my own, my children’s, or anyone’s name that is close to me in my life now unless they’ve agreed for me to use their names. She came from a large family in California. I have three uncles and two aunts that I’ve never met. I have never had that opportunity. You see my father was a marine. That’s how he and my mother met. But immediately after marrying her in San Francisco, he took her back to Ohio. We settled in the state capital.

There were many, many more of these days that the abuse continued in our home before my parents were divorced. I remember my dad not just taking things out on us, but he had hurt a family pet of ours on occasion as well. One time I remember so clearly now. We had a dog named Spiffy. She was like Lassie, she was Collie and German Shepard mixed. She was a wonderful dog. She was with our family for quite a long time. She’d been struck by a car on two different occasions. One of the times affected her sight. The other time she had a splint in her leg. I remember when her leg healed, rather than taking her to the vet to remove the splint; my father decided he was going to extract it himself!! She cried, she yelped, and she hollered!! I remember all three of us children standing at the top of the steps crying, begging, and pleading for him to stop.

I guess the abuse bothered me so much, because after my father would hurt my mother; in turn she took it out on me. You see I was the baby of the family, which meant I was around my mother a lot more than my siblings. Not only that but I believe my mother sort of faulted me for the down fall of their marriage. My father never wanted me to be born, he’d thrown my mother down the steps, beat, and punched her trying to make her miscarry with me. He had his boy and girl and didn’t want anymore children. There were two occasions which I won’t forget.

The first time I remember clearly occurred when I was five years old. I had been at school that day and needed to go to the bathroom. I raised my hand and informed the teacher. She told me I’d have to wait for five or ten minutes because we’d be lining up for the bathroom shortly anyways. Well my body couldn’t wait that long!! It had to go now!! Well by the time the lined formed . . . . it was too late. I was so embarrassed!! The school principal called my mother and told her she needed to come and pick me up, I’d had an accident in my clothing.

When we returned home, she took me in the bathroom and began to wash me up. Then she began washing my undergarment. The whole time she was she continued to get louder and louder with me. Next thing I know she turned around and shoved me. When she did I fell backwards and split my head open on the windowsill. I can’t recall how many stitches I received.

The other time I recall occurred when I was eight years old. It was pretty much along the same lines, only this time I had an accident during the night. She was so mad when she went to make my bed that day. When I walked in from school she started yelling. The next thing I know she reared her foot back and kicked me. She had a pair of these thin, hard fronts, flat sandals on. It hurt!! Blood started pouring out from under my chin!!

She never took me to get stitches this time. Instead she took some butterfly bandages and used them to close up the wound. She lied to my father when he got home that night and told him that I fell on a saw he’d left in the yard. Really though I was afraid to get up in the middle of the night at that age. This was the period right before my parents divorced.

There were a lot of things taking place when we children were supposed to be sleeping!! Like drinking, partner swaps in the living room and the use of drugs as well. I remember sitting with my dad counting pink hearts and white crosses. I remember my brother having me pocket a few for him. I didn’t know then what they were or what they were for. I thought they were candy; it wasn’t too much longer after that when I discovered the truth.

My father didn’t ever care what he exposed his children to. It never seemed to matter to him. He wouldn’t know what the word protective meant if it hit him in the forehead!! On top of everything else there were the