Angels Among Us: Living Dream Series

By Erwin Lazaro

A genuine love story for family and life, Angels Among Us is a philosophical narrative. Memoirs of one mans journey of finding answers to questions revealed along the way. Multidimensional in its telling, music intertwines and connects personal values, popular culture, and a time frame that spans twenty-three years. An appreciation of the built and natural landscape color the canvas of discovery. Angels Among Us is an introspective and physical journey that evokes a wide range of emotions through self-confrontation, revelations, and choices. From the first word to the conclusion of this first installment of the Living Dream series, a desire to learn more will be in order.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Sep 28, 2017
• ISBN: 9781546204039

Erwin Lazaro

Erwin Lazaro is a 49-year-old dreamer and entertainer. After twenty years in architectural design, the dreamer has become an author, the CEO, and President of Lazaro Living Dream, Ltd. He will publish at least two more books in the non-fiction Living Dream series, a non-fiction book of short stories, and a realistic fiction series. When hes not entertaining on YouTube, Erwin is making sure his family is doing everything to live life to the fullest. Visit him at www.lazarolivingdream.com.

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© 2017 Erwin Lazaro. All rights reserved.

Editing by: Katy Rubinkowski

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  09/22/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5462-0405-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-0404-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-0403-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017912514

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The following memoirs are the expression of my passion. These are my truths revealed. Nobody can dictate otherwise. I do not offer any professional advice or service. I am laying my life out as an open book, an offering for any who empathize, sympathize, or are interested. My intention is to accurately convey my experiences with sincerity. I acknowledge all who shaped the soul I am. My living dream is my lifelong prayer, full of hope, pleas, and thanksgiving. Finally, I am not expressing or implying any of my actions or accounts as guarantees, viable solutions, or warranties. Each person is without equal, living special circumstances, and responsible for their own choices, actions, and results. Please use wisdom as a guide in understanding and acting upon personal truths.

The author shall not be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages, including, but not limited to, special, incidental, consequential or other damages.

Please feel welcome to visit the author, Erwin Lazaro, at www.lazarolivingdream.com or contact by email at [e-mail] or [e-mail] for an open dialogue inspired by the expressions within these pages. Erwin will sincerely respond in a considerate manner.

Contents

Prologue

I          The Second And The First

II         The Third

III       Frozen

IV       Comfort Food

V         Departure

VI       The First Day Of Tomorrow

VII      This Is Not Depression

VIII    Arrogance

IX       Westport Motel

X         Questions Or Answers

XI       Lily

XII      Ravings Of A Madman

XIII    What Other People Say

XIV    The Mind Is A Powerful Enemy

XV      Martyr And Her Cross

XVI    My Greatest Supporter

XVII   Cleansing Breath

To my heart …

no longer tied to the rhythm of this world …

set free to guide, only if you are willing and if God will allow …

You are an angel for all, though you dedicated all to me and family. If my selfishness continues to bind you, I proclaim and release you, my heart, so you can do as you please …

or disperse entirely to share all that you are with as many as possible, born into the rhythm of this world, who innately know what you offer.

Mom, I never deserved you and thank you …

Prologue

Living Dream

A MBER WAVES OF SPLENDOR FLOWING. Teeming with life, its brilliance stretched to and fro, here and there, rhythmic by nature. This dynamic ipseity whispered a golden calling. An ethereal trail cascaded from its motion, allowing a lasting impression to temporarily play, thousands of sparkling elements fluttering outward before rejoining its massive core. Movement without pattern, alive and vibrant, this presence thrived within a space otherwise devoid, discernible splendor indeed.

The presence appeared two dimensional, limited to one plane, distant and separate from my being. I quietly observed. Yet, playfully, its brilliance beckoned. It was an invitation akin to a ceremony of sorts. It took a formal approach and then launched into a mirthful gait. Radiant and projecting, directing its energy towards me, its presence grew. Or rather, I was getting closer. It drew me in. My surroundings bore no reference. I could not tell. I felt its gentle embrace pulling me closer. I could sense the ripples of movement back and forth, swaying easily and constantly, following the rhythm of a tune that was not heard. The melodic waves ebbed and flowed. That rhythm charmed me, leading me by a meandering path. In a sense, its motion mimicked living, slow, purposeful breaths; visible as my own on a cold, brisk morn. A bit amused, I looked for a giant that could possibly be the source.

I felt its presence more boldly, surrounded by a warm embrace. Protective arms cradled me. It permeated my entirety, making me comfortable. I could get used to this feeling. Closing my eyes, I enjoyed the serenity. I sighed and soaked it all in just as I would the warm rays of the sun. The presence projected golden tendrils and when we touched, the exhilaration charged me with waves of harmony, in the sense that we were becoming one or I was becoming a part of this presence. With a warm smile and peace within, I drifted. This was marvelous.

But, as quickly as calm soothed me it was taken away. Tranquility was repelled. I was in motion again, no longer supported; drifting away from the auric brilliance. My mind began playing tricks with me. I was a little dazed and my thoughts began sliding in and out of awareness. My mind was not clear nor was my vision. I seemed to be blinking, but I was not sure.

That beautiful radiance invited me to focus and pay attention, but my senses continued being distorted. Another was interfering. I could feel it. I did not recognize what I saw nor could I determine if I was seeing at all. Suddenly, I was injected with a nagging feeling. I was supposed to seek a special place, a hallowed place that I may never find again.

I sensed the golden tendrils retracting. The warmth was being driven away. Urgency took the place of comfort as my attention further waned and I drifted farther and farther. No longer within the ethereal embrace, I felt a great distance from the pleasure that had invited me. At least, radiating warmth kept me facing in the general direction I wanted to move. I relied on this feeling for guidance. My eyes betrayed me and focusing bred frustration beneath the veil obscuring my vision. I kept trying to identify what I was experiencing before it was lost. I certainly felt treasure yearning to be found.

An abrupt separation is already heartrending, but the presence imparted more. It’s nurturing embrace was tainted with a perception of loss. Not prevalent, but hints of sorrow drifted within the movement that had impassioned me. I did not sense regret. The encounter left the impression of a bittersweet sensation from something palatable that was cherished for its time and the inevitability of moving onward. In other words, it was a reaction in the way a memory cannot be relived, recollection that provides small comfort, and the touch of loss in tow.

My desperation grew, battling against the compulsion to succumb. I tried shaking it off, but the more I tried to focus, the less aware I became. The warmth was all but gone now. I continued struggling but I was slipping away, anesthetized under a growing shroud of darkness. The tender caress that cradled me earlier was replaced by oppressive claws closing in. Vaporous, clawed wires slithered straight towards me, distinctly visible through a hazy vision. I had earlier considered the void in which I drifted as darkness, but that was a mistake. The void was more an absence of light compared to this opaque shadow confronting me now, an existence that suppressed my senses. These converging coiled claws wanted me to fully realize my pending capture. They were not touching me yet, but I felt their gloom closing in. I continued wrestling that which threatened my potential discovery, but I was caught and restrained. Cold and uninviting, the shadows slowly twisted around my body. It wound around my hands and feet, darting in and out of me as stitches for a seam, binding me in place. My limbs were frozen, my chest was heavy, but I fought. I thrashed my head left and right as if I could still escape. I refused to relinquish. Worming, wriggling, and writhing; I swore to break free. My mouth was wide open, emitting a voiceless scream. I yelled, but I could not hear a sound or I was screaming so loud it was deafening. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I kept screaming without taking any breaths. I felt tears, but I was not scared. I was angry. I was losing. I was losing this precious chance.

I started feeling lightheaded. I was near the edge of hope, during the last moment of a last breath. I could no longer function, drifting even farther from the allure that had appeared. It had teased me with hopeful yearning in the beginning. My senses dulled to the point of the urgency vanishing. I was almost unaware of what I sought … almost unaware.

An impression of hands grabbed and pulled me … somewhere.

In my weakness, in those final moments of complete loss, I no longer felt any kind of sensation, except for endless drifting towards obscurity; neither suppressed nor free. The shadows almost enveloped everything. Yet, a hint of the presence persisted to shine, though so distant now. Even the warmth was gone.

But then … I felt it.

A familiar approached me. A gentle presence moved around me and then, through me. I reacted. It urged me to calm myself. It teased my curiosity. It lured me back, drawing me back, leading me back. The warmth returned. The comfort returned. This aid restored my sensibilities. The exhilaration led me back to self-awareness. Washing aside the troublesome insecurities that plagued my manifestation here, an overwhelming sense of peace swept over me and with peace, I let go. My mind, my body, my soul … I let go and found what I sought. It was in this moment, when I let go, that everything in front of me started to make sense. I did not lose hope.

This was the cue for me to revive. My sight was returning and I could feel once again. In regaining my senses, I quickly realized that I had never lost them to begin with. The shadows had manipulated me and as the shadows receded, the absence of light started filtering into place. The further the shadows, the clearer my senses became. The veil that had clouded my vision and suppressed my senses lifted away with what felt like a calm breeze. It was this breeze that brought my senses under control and calmed my frantic reflex in order to understand I was about to lose a precious connection. And, as the soothing breeze continued to lure me back into a state of awareness, the calm strengthened my resolve. I was supposed to be here. I was getting help. This wonderful breeze set me free and gently guided me in the direction I was supposed to go when I was about to be consumed by oblivion.

Thankfully, that was behind me now. Before me, a portal took shape. I started feeling anticipation. I felt the grogginess from a long, deep slumber burning away, even though I was certain that only a few moments had passed. My sense of time was skewed, but I did not care. I wanted what lay ahead. I let go. I let it take me and finally …

Golden light adorned the rustling leaves of the trees, shimmering as the wind danced. Back and forth, I could almost see its form as it traveled in a random path. My eyes followed the wind that looked like the coat tails of a child whisking playfully through the air. The path of the wind was clearly marked by gleeful leaves reacting to the frolicsome force of nature. The air was light and a sense of tranquility permeated everything. It was breathtaking to be in this place. My smile could not be any greater as my eyes were drawn towards the blinding azure of the summer sky. The sky was so bright. No clouds, not even a wisp. This scene was perfect. The sun’s golden light was everywhere and yet I was not aware of the sun. As bright as it was, I was not squinting. I was not sweating from any overbearing heat.

Whatever tried to pull me away was completely gone now. I became fully aware of this place. My eyes came back to the flying leaves. The playful breeze continued darting about, but I could no longer feel nor hear it. I was not being physically affected in any way, but I could see its effect on other objects. I should have considered all that to be peculiar, but I did not.

I did not realize I was moving until I noticed the environment changing. That is also when I became aware that I was not moving by my own power. For the span of an eager breath, it felt odd to be sitting. I was sitting in an open vehicle that had seats. It appeared to be a small, open boxcar travelling by rail. I could see one set of tracks laid before the car’s path as I glanced ahead. I touched the car, once for security, and twice to make sure I was really in this car. It had a rustic feel to it, made from wood; aged and worn. It was warm to the touch from soaking in the sun’s rays that I could not feel nor see for myself. Again, this sensation should have been out of place, but I accepted it for what it was. I defined the warmth for myself, maybe so I would not be afraid. The warmth felt as that of the touch of a person’s living skin.

I sat quietly, using only sight to guide my thoughts. I had this feeling that I was present and that I was also not present. I could observe myself as a spectator. I could also look at my own hands and confirm I was witnessing this from my own perspective. I thought this felt like a movie and the cut scenes between cameras. Instead of dwelling on these matters, I smiled and noticed a situation which had escaped me.

I was not alone. How did I not realize that my sister was sitting by my side? I did not notice my sister until I turned my head and looked at eye level. I was looking up. I was looking down. I was looking ahead, but not to my side. I guess that made sense. We were sitting in this open car together. I was glad my sister was with me. Her presence was comforting.

We moved in the direction of a familiar area. No words were exchanged between us, but we communicated our awe of this experience as our eyes met. Attracted to the evolving scenery, we basked in the visual story unfolding. My gaze turned to the path ahead.

My sister and I found ourselves moving amongst mundane items. Without transition, we were inside a place that evoked a reassuring intimacy. We still traveled by open car as observers not allowed to touch the objects appearing around us. Everything here was covered by a golden hue. I could not tell if it was light playing with my perception or the objects themselves that were golden. Everything sparkled with a nostalgic sense of being. A natural affinity emanated from this place. Together, we advanced amid clothing, furniture, toys, and tables loaded with books and delicate items such as dishes, glasses, photo frames, and vases. These items were memories from our home. Identifying items that belonged to my family, the mundane had transformed into personal effects, but the more I focused on each piece, the nostalgic glow further transformed into a preservative golden coating that blended everything together into a single mass.

It did not matter though. I did not care to identify anymore because my heart started racing. A feeling of anticipation welled within me. My eyes darted everywhere. I turned to my side to confirm this anticipation with my sister but, I could not identify her any longer. My sister became part of the environment and blended with the golden hue of everything too.

I was shocked and reached for the area where my sister sat, but it was indeed empty. My shock turned into concern and I became worried by her disappearance, or maybe it was better to describe a transformation of my sister related to the objects within this place. Her presence next to me was comforting and now she was gone. My eyes darted faster and my heart raced faster. I did not care earlier about things, but my sister leaving my side disturbed me. She was my security in this familiar yet foreign place. Now she was gone.

I gripped the warm car and it slowed by my pressure, reacting to my fear. I braced myself as if preparing for an impact, but the car gently came to a halt. I kept a firm grip because I was clearly uncomfortable and holding fast for what might happen next. Trying to calm myself, I wondered why I became so scared without my sister by my side. I am her older brother, after all. Why am I scared? Or, was it my concern for her wellbeing? Or, was it because I shared this experience with her and her displacement was unnatural?

Sitting in a stationary position, I was lost in thought, distracted by my own questions. Then I turned to my side and my sister was looking at me with concern. I should have thought her re-emergence to be out of place and yet again, I did not. This little hiccup was a strange ripple because the car was moving as if it had never stopped. What just happened anyway? What was wrong in the first place? I could not remember, but I was excited by what lay ahead.

Sluggish action almost compelled me to jump out. I hardly contained myself, but I was convinced of fulfillment once we reached our destination, whenever and wherever that might be. A child waiting in anticipation, I was wide-eyed. My instincts warned that if I acted poorly, the opportunity to find out what lay at the end of these tracks might disappear, so I patiently anticipated and imagined the expression on my face. My smile must be as wide as a platter. I could hardly stand this confinement. I wanted to run ahead.

I noticed the sky outside through golden window panes and shimmering glass. The view was almost blinding and I was forced to focus on everything that lay within this nostalgic scene. Apparently, I was being encouraged to engage the activity here and not have my attention wander any further than this space we were moving through. I was not sure if my sister felt the same way. We could not speak to one another or we simply did not speak to one another. I could not determine exactly which situation was the truth. It might have been because we were both in shock for being here and sharing this experience together. But, how could this be? Was any of this real? It felt real.

My thoughts kept straying. I was regressing. This distraction of pondering my situation was enough to change my perspective. I witnessed the two of us riding in the open boxcar, moving along the singular set of tracks from a point of view that would seem to place me above and outside of this enclosure. I watched the two of us glance at everything with wonder. I noticed that my sister and I in the car were the only entities in focus from this position. The sum of the objects that were once familiar to us merged into one another, slowly at first, and then accelerating into a massive blur … amber waves of splendor flowing.

It made sense now. We were inside the presence that had beckoned me. It was irresistible. I was enjoying this. I saw that mirthful gait and that rhythmic flowing. The brilliance charmed me. The radiance soothed me. I was so happy. The movement was so playful.

But then, I sensed a change about to take place. I could see an opening ahead of the tracks. We continued moving at the same meager velocity as I looked ahead from our approach within the open boxcar. My heart raced. My pulse became more prominent. I tried to ignore the throbbing in my head. My heart was pumping hard and the strain forcibly created the sensation of sound within my ears. My pulse became audible. I was going to burst from the building pressure, but I refused to let up. I also strained to keep my eyes fixed ahead of the car. I did not want to blink. I did not want to miss what lay ahead. I centered myself in breathing. I fixated on breathing steadily and calmly. The last thing I wanted was to lose control.

As much as I tried to contain the tension, I became more and more excited. Despite my best efforts, my breathing hastened, fixated with hope. All this provocation ignited an epiphany come to light. I had an idea of what lay ahead being led to believe a miracle was about to come true. This had to be the answer to deeply rooted prayers I had protected and held so dear. The time had finally come. The realization propelled me further into a frenzy of emotions. My mind, heart, and soul charged forward. I moved forward.

Is this really it? Is this the time I had planned for over the years, not rushing for it to come to pass, but knowing that the opportunity may arrive and I must be prepared at any time? But, it still seems too soon. Is this really the right time? My wife … My children … Regardless of what lay ahead, I cannot look back. There is no backwards. Time knows no mercy. Time moves onward regardless of circumstances, regardless of anything, though it is not really time.

The opening was clear now. It was strange to become aware of the size and shape of it. What appeared to be so far away and seemingly large was merely the size and shape of a normal doorway. The scale of the opening seemed unnatural over the distance we had just travelled. It was not ominous or overbearing. It was a simple doorway just large enough for our open boxcar to pass through. And, to make the anticipation grow further, we slowed down as we drew near. This waiting was excruciating and worse, I could not see anything beyond. Whatever lay ahead was guarded by a pale illumination on the other side.

I wanted to scream, and do anything but sit in place, to set this pent-up energy free. I was about to burst into tears, scarcely containing myself. We were so close and the boxcar slowing down made me quiver. I grasped the car even tighter, but this time, not out of fear. Again, the car reacted to my tightening grip and slowed even more. I could not remember anything more consuming. As our movement slowed, my impression of time slowed down with it. This agonizing transition heightened my anticipation beyond anything I could normally tolerate. Barely breathing, I was frozen in place. My unblinking gaze was fixated on the doorway. I was about to crush the car with my hand. Every muscle in my body was taut, not sure if I was breathing any longer. I could not sense anything beyond the pounding of my own heartbeat, praying that my heart would endure this immense pressure.

Nearly at the opening, I could finally see the tracks extending beyond the doorway. I automatically thought about how much further we would have to travel before finally arriving at our coveted destination. The doorway was so close now. I could almost step through on my own. This was so cruel and comprehending the purpose for this journey was beyond me. This entire odyssey was forever etched into my psyche. As strong as my grip was on this car, I burned every image into my mind’s eye so that I would not forget any detail. Almost from the beginning I knew this was a hallowed place that I may never find again. I continued to believe that this was my one and only occasion to be here. I reaffirmed my resolve.

In that singular recollection, by reclaiming the allure which brought me here in the first place, my anxious yearning evolved into a calming prescience. I finally knew WHY we were here. I was not breathing and by releasing the tension, I inhaled everything, drawing in the environment surrounding me. And, as I drew in life itself with that great breath, time sped up and flowed freely once again. The momentum of our vehicle traversed the threshold of that doorway and we were on the other side.

I was in awe. Only the single set of tracks extended beyond. Nothing else existed. It was natural to fixate on those tracks and for the first time, a bend in the path appeared. It was a ninety-degree turn. I could not take my gaze away from the path. The car accelerated and then the car turned.

My chest was still. I kept my mouth shut, desperately trying not to move a muscle. I threw all the determination I could muster into holding everything inside. I willed myself not to let go. I clawed at myself to keep everything together. I am so close. Please, no. I am so very close. I just need a little more time, just a little longer. But, I could no longer hold everything in. I was suffocating. I choked. It was gone. Everything was gone. Desperate to live, I exhaled everything. My body reacted instinctively. A short breath and I jolted in place. Convulsive and violent, my entire body shook. I opened my eyes.

A series of abrupt inhales marked my return. One long, stuttering exhale confirmed my reality. Gasping for air turned into sobbing. That was all I could do for the moment. My eyes welled with tears as streams of mucus, water, and oil flowed freely down my cheeks, passing across my lips, making me taste the full magnitude of loss washing over me. Short, abbreviated, abrupt breaths were all I could manage from weeping out loud. The noise in my mind was an unbearable wailing, but as far as my home was concerned, I laid virtually motionless, the silence broken only by my halted breathing, the soft breaths of my wife beside me, and our children sleeping well beneath their protective comforters within their respective rooms.

I rallied my thoughts and steadied my breathing. I settled myself so I could return as quickly as possible. It was my only chance to return, if there was any chance at all. I concentrated on every detail of my experience so that I could be projected