The Blue Lotus

By Antoinette Martins

In Something Happens, the main character shared her life of heartache and suffering through her tragic loss. Through Listen to the Beat of My Drum, the depiction of the mind, body, and soul are expressed through poetic lens. In this creation, we take a step into the Blue Lotus to view a strong womans viewpoint of being open, honest, and powerful in sharing her wisdom and knowledge. The spirit of love and devotion help her with pain and suffering.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503578340

Antoinette Martins

Born and raised in Boston, MA, I have experienced a wonderful life—thus far, the city life. I have seen beautiful views of the urban life, and I have gained valuable knowledge that has contributed to the person that I am today—unique. I have a gift to share, and that is my experience—my experience with people, places, and things. I have so much to give, and through my thoughts, the journey of the imagination is vast. The journey is worth taking, and the creativity of the mind continues to expand. My Capeverdean roots continue to guide my strength and dedication.

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Copyright © 2015 by Antoinette Martins.

ISBN:      Softcover   978-1-5035-7835-7

               eBook        978-1-5035-7834-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 06/15/2015

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Contents

January 29, 1994

February 07, 1994

February 28, 1994

March 26, 1994

June 27, 1995

November 23, 1995

November 28-30, 1995

December 1, 1995

December 03, 1995

December 04, 1995

December 05, 1995

December 07, 1995

December 08, 1995

December 09, 1995

Saturday, December 13, 1995

Tuesday, December 23, 1995

Friday, December 26, 1995

Sunday, December 28, 1995

Monday, December 29, 1995

Tuesday, December 30, 1995

Wednesday. December 31, 1995

Thursday, January 01, 1996

January 03, 1996

January 5, 1996

January 6, 1996

January 8, 1996

January 9, 1996

January 10, 1996

January 11, 1996

January 12, 1996

January 13, 1996

January 14, 1996

January 15, 1996

January 16, 1996

January 16-17, 1996

January 19, 1996

January 20, 1996

January 21, 1996

January 22, 1996

January 23, 1996

January 24, 1996

January 26, 1996

January 27, 1996

January 28, 1996

January 29, 1996

January 30, 1996

January 31, 1996

February 01, 1996

February 02, 1996

February 3, 1996

February 4, 1996

February 5, 1996

February 10, 1996

February 11, 1996

February 12, 1996

February 15, 1996

February 16, 1996

February 17, 1996

February 18, 1996

February 22, 1996

February 23, 1996

February 24, 1996

February 25, 1996

February 26, 1996

February 27, 1996

March 1, 1996

March 2, 1996

March 03, 1996

March 04, 1996

March 05, 1996

March 06, 1996

March 07, 1996

March 11, 1996

March 16, 1996

March 17, 1996

March 19, 1996

March 20, 1996

March 22, 1996

March 23, 1996

March 24, 1996

March 26, 1996

March 27-29, 1996

March 30-31, 1996

April 1, 1996

April 2, 1996

April 3, 1996

April 4, 1996

April 5, 1996

April 6, 1996

April 7, 1996

April 8, 1996

April 9, 1996

April 10, 1996

April 11, 1996

April 12, 1996

April 12, 1996

April 14, 1996

April 15, 1996

April 16, 1996

April 17, 1996

April 18, 1996

April 19, 1996

April 20, 1996

April 24, 1996

April 25, 1996

April 26, 1996

April 27, 1996

April 28, 1996

April 29, 1996

April 30, 1996

May 1, 1996

May 3, 1996

May 4, 1996

May 7, 1996

May 8, 1996

May 10, 1996

May 12, 1996

May 13, 1996

May 14, 1996

May 26, 1996

May 27, 1996

May 28, 1996

May 29, 1996

May 30, 1996

May 31, 1996

June 1, 1996

June 3, 1996

June 4, 1996

June 06-07, 1996

June 09, 1996

June 14, 1996

June 16, 1996

June 19, 1996

June 21, 1996

June 22, 1996

June 23, 1996

June 24, 1996

June 25, 1996

June 26, 1996

June 27, 1996

June 30, 1996

July 1, 1996

July 2, 1996

July 3, 1996

July 4, 1996

July 5, 1996

July 6, 1996

July 7, 1996

July 8, 1996

July 9, 1996

July 15, 1996

July 16, 1996

July 18, 1996

July 20, 1996

July 21, 1996

July 22, 1996

July 27, 1996

July 28, 1996

July 30, 1996

July 31, 1996

August 2, 1996

August 3, 1996

August 4, 1996

August 5, 1996

August 6, 1996

August 7, 1996

August 8, 1996

August 10, 1996

August 11, 1996

August 12, 1996

August 13, 1996

August 16, 1996

August 17, 1996

August 19, 1996

August 25, 1996

August 26, 1996

August 27, 1996

August 30, 1996

September 1, 1996

September 2, 1996

September 3, 1996

September 4, 1996

September 5, 1996

September 7, 1996

September 8, 1996

September 9, 1996

September 10, 1996

September 11, 1996

September 12, 1996

September 13, 1996

September 14, 1996

September 15, 1996

September 16, 1996

September 17, 1996

September 18, 1996

September 19, 1996

September 24, 1996

September 26, 1996

September 29, 1996

October 1, 1996

October 4, 1996

October 5, 1996

October 6, 1996

October 8, 1996

October 9-12, 1996

October 09, 1996

October 14, 1996

October 15, 1996

October 16, 1996

October 17, 1996

October 18, 1996

October 19, 1996

October 20, 1996

October 21, 1996

October 22, 1996

October 23, 1996

October 25, 1996

October 25, 1996

October 27, 1996

November 2, 1996

November 4, 1996

November 6, 1996

November 10, 1996

November 14, 1996

November 15, 1996

November 17, 1996

November 20, 1996

November 22, 1996

November 27, 1996

November 30, 1996

December 7, 1996

December 8, 1996

December 9, 1996

December 11, 1996

December 12, 1996

December 13, 1996

December 15, 1996

December 16, 1996

December 17, 1996

December 19, 1996

December 24, 1996

December 25, 1996

December 26, 1996

December 28, 1996

December 30, 1996

December 31, 1996

Many

dedications have been given to my grandfather, my father, my mother and my sister in providing dedication and perseverance in being independent, driven, hardworking and humble. I have learned to be self-sufficient, passionate, spiritual, serene and tranquil. For this I am grateful for the power of the body, mind and spirit.

January 29, 1994

It’s funny sometimes how I doubt myself about my abilities and my self-confidence and what’s even more funny is how everyone sees my potential for success except for me. How does this happen? I can be fully caught up on my tasks and readings for class, but I just get freaked out. I panic and get weird about my ability to succeed and forget the one part about someone very special watching over me and guiding me. He watches every move I make both good and bad and He helps me correct my mistakes or seek goodness in another path, but why do I doubt myself? See I doubt myself right now. For example, with chemistry I am struggling because I let myself struggle. I need a better technique for studying and I am working on it with taking notes, attending class, reading, doing homework and getting a tutor. I hope in the end it all pays off.

February 07, 1994

Well, I think I have finally understood the meaning of life being hard. I have been under stress in my life, but not as much as I have exhibited this semester. Things are very hectic. I’m overwhelmed, tired, emotional, depressed, withdrawn, and anxious and I feel beat up. I can barely keep up with my assignments for class let alone keep up with homework, appointments and such.

Not only are my feelings crappy, but my aunt is in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit. I keep thinking about her, the hospital, how she kept telling everyone that she was sick and nobody believed her half of the time.

I sometimes think if my career choice is the right one. Do I really want to get involved in nursing? Why not just apply to the MS program? I’m just so frustrated.

February 28, 1994

Today I noticed I gave myself a full day of relaxation but most of all I had an inner urge to hear from this beautiful man in my life. Although I don’t feel I am strong enough to build up a conversation with him yet due to our past, we messaged each other and it was sweet. All day though I felt that something was wrong. I couldn’t make out what it was, but when I spoke to him, he told me that he had a stressful day at work. I felt bad for him. I wanted to be close to him to hug him and hold him to relieve some of the tension and stress he was feeling. I just wanted to be so close to him. I just want to be close to him every day all day. I wish he would let me show him how much I love him and I wish that he would show me how much he loves me.

March 26, 1994

Interestingly, I find that today I need to make an entry. I had a bad dream, it was raining today. I also have noticed that in between trying to put my life into perspective, working and having a social life, a lot is missing in my life that is making me depressed, avoidant, isolated, alone, sad, fearful and withdrawn. I miss my ex but in a sense it is about closure. I miss him because he did not let me into his life and because if I hadn’t let him into my heart, I would not have fallen in love with him. Most importantly, I feel down the line somewhere and somehow, I have lost my identity and I am not sure who I am and what my goals are. I’m afraid to succeed. I’m afraid to move forward. I need happiness and control in my life.

A few important details that I am taking into consideration are that I want to be an individual that continues to add to my current status of being. I also want to be happy and I need support, love, and care to regain my strength to do what it is that I need to do. The last time that I felt this way was in 1985 before I started Portugal College. As I continue to think about many things, I definitely feel that I should pay attention to not labeling myself and by this I mean that I should not give myself credentials or change the way that I dress because it will send a different message to different people. Also I have to take into consideration my self-concept. I need to understand the view that I have of myself and give myself credit for how good looking I am and how intelligent I am. I also need to give myself a sense of what I need to work on. I need to work on showing off the real me by learning how to talk about something funny to break the ice, for example. I also have to learn to not criticize by seeing things that I can improve for myself and one way I can think of doing this is to clean out my closet. I have to learn to clean out the old stuff in my closet and make room for new stuff because if I can’t take care of myself then I can’t take care of others. By doing this I have to find out who I really am and what my true needs are. I also need to find out what is important to me, when was the last time that I felt like this, what do I want, and what it is that I need. I also need to take time to reflect on the past then go out there and find the right relationship for me. However, I need to acknowledge and accept responsibility in my life and learn to choose better so I have better. I have to check in emotionally before boarding in on a relationship because these emotions can mess up my mental and physical state. I also have to learn to forgive, to get rid of anger, fear and resentment as well as start listening and start learning. By doing this, I can begin to start listening to myself and listen in a new relationship.

June 27, 1995

As I look back at the previous entry I made in this diary I had a lot of anger. I still have a lot of anger built up inside of me and it has to do with the past. I definitely know I need to let go of it, but every time I try some little reminder tells me that I shouldn’t because of X,Y or Z. I hate people that criticize me, laugh at me, intimidate me, challenge me and are ignorant to who I am. It makes me upset and I crawl up into a ball internally and it shows externally.

I have been used so many times by people that I have become numb to responding either positively or negatively to people around me. I care what people say, but I don’t care to respond. I hate certain people around me and I don’t wish them bad I just want them to leave me alone.

November 23, 1995

So I have all of these thoughts in my mind and I am not sure how to begin thinking about everything. My plans for graduate school have not turned out the way that I wanted. Graduate studies are no joke and the professors, some, don’t budge. I originally had classes in mind that I wanted to take and get out of the way, but it doesn’t seem to be going well. 1st year and 1st semester was told to me by my friends that it is going to be hard. I didn’t believe it at first but it’s true. Each morning I wake up I have an agenda. Mondays it is field placement. Tuesdays it’s the same. Wednesdays classes all day. Thursdays it’s more field placement and Fridays? TGIF! Weekends technically are supposed to be getting my errands done and working. Today, as I am writing in this journal, I am thinking about all the books I have to read, all the papers I have to write, all the process recordings, case notes, presentation outlines and classes that I have to complete.

Today is Sunday, right? Thou shall rest is a concept that has become foreign to me. As I sit on this couch facing the sliding door and looking at the clear blue sky and strong winds blow the remaining leaves off the trees, I am thinking about what has happened to my life. I am thinking about how my life has changed. How overwhelmed, tired, anxious and depressed I feel. I think about my actions and consequences that have brought me to this state in my life and why I am not happy.

I had the opportunity to share an evening with a good friend. For the 1st time, in a long time, I went out with a friend and had fun. Previously when I had gone out, I was hesitant about myself. How do I look? What should I say? What are we gonna do? At 1st I hesitated, but I asked. I took a risk and I am glad. I guess I hesitated because I didn’t know what our comfort level was with each other. We’ve had good talks and bad talks and we’ve given each other advice. I consider him a best friend. I thought about losing contact with him in the past, but I am glad that I didn’t. Sometimes when I need a reality check, I get it from him. I’m glad that he is still around.

So off on a tangent I go about my best friend, kinda corny, right? I don’t care. Anywayz, we went out for a movie and coffee and it was nice. We talked about the movie and I talked about my problems (as always) and of course I am waiting for the advice. I got it. Not expecting it, but I got it. I’m either really happy or really depressed. I didn’t think that he would bring this up, but then he mentioned that I had no middle. I was in shock and I was really offended by this comment, but it’s true to a point. I got really teary-eyed and I still think about this. Why though? Exactly what he said which is why do I care what people think? What does it matter? Why sweat the small things in life when there are big problems in life? I don’t know.

These questions kill me though. I don’t know why I get frustrated, angry, annoyed, irritated, upset and aggravated with people who criticize my being. As I think about this as I am writing, I think it is because I feel these things about myself. I listen to India Arie, Jill Scott, Kelly Price and Yolanda Adams, to name a few artists, to provide me with inspiration and motivation. I don’t love myself unconditionally and it hurts me. I hurt my soul. I don’t think I do well enough in my academics and my finances and that depresses me. I criticize my body image because others don’t approve and that belittles me.

Who am I and what do I want out of life? What should I search for? How do I heal my soul? How can I strengthen who I am? I am a twenty year old graduate student with dreams to help others, but how can I help others when I need help myself? Where do I begin to advocate for myself and actively participate in life? What signs should I be looking for? Who should I be looking towards? When will I begin to unconditionally love myself so I can learn to love others again?

As the countdown for the year begins to close down my New Year’s Resolutions are to learn about self-care techniques. I do have goals and dreams of becoming successful. Within this journal, I begin a self-reflection of who I am and what I need to do to take care of me. Any suggestions?

November 28-30, 1995

As I worked this weekend I observed a lot of different stages in people’s lives that I know I have no control to change. A middle age woman with a fifteen year old son who has cerebral palsy told me her story and I was in amazement as to how I was to contribute to what she was saying. I had feelings, but how could I relate this to her? What exactly am I feeling? Sympathy? Understanding? Pity? I am not sure. I wanted to say I am sorry for her, but I am not sure that was appropriate to say because she is strong and independent. She is fighting to go home so others will stop treating her differently. I can understand this feeling in many ways. I am different too.

As I worked with the elderly individuals, I observed how strong they are willing to live. I admire how much energy they have and how they are able to relate to others. I am not able to do this and I hate the fact that this is a characteristic I have to learn to change.

December 1, 1995

As I came back to work today I acknowledged that I initially became closed to the environment. I hate this feeling each week that I walk into this agency. It is not my passion to work with the staff and I hate the tasks that I have to do. I fall behind on assignments and case notes. Above all, I hate that I cannot relate to the feelings of clients; I have always shut down this side of me because I’m not ready to deal with it, but I hate the fact that I have a weakness when I feel overwhelmed or trapped. I hate it when people criticize me, but I ask God to bless them. I hate it when people don’t accept me for who I am, but I have asked God to forgive them. I hate those who envy me, despise me, ignore me, talk over me, stare at me, roll their eyes at me, judge me and treat me like I’m shit. To you I ask God to forgive you.

December 03, 1995

Honestly I can’t remember this day too clearly, but if I can’t remember all the details it wasn’t that important.

December 04, 1995

It’s funny that this proverb ("Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding- Proverb 3:5) resonates with feelings that I am having now. Today was classes and I had all of these thoughts about what I needed to discuss with my professors. What I wanted to do today I did. I talked to my professors and I am upset because my advisor stated to me that my professors stated that I was doing poorly. When I talked to them they told me the opposite. Based on what my advisor told me, I made a decision to take a leave of absence in addition to feeling overwhelmed and depressed.

It’s funny to me that people were nice to me as well. Those that made fun of me and insulted me talked to me today. I guess you are looking out for me and seeing how life for me shouldn’t be this hard on top of everything else that is going on. At least this gives me a sign that you are listening to me. I guess I will continue to strengthen my walk in faith.

December 05, 1995

God really does work in mysterious ways doesn’t he? I was completely unclear about my decision for taking a leave of absence. I have expressed to myself that if I had a mentor, I might have been more content in understanding what I was getting myself into.

December 07, 1995

As I woke up this morning, I sensed that today would be different. I got a good night’s sleep and I spent time with my family even though I wanted to get my papers done. I guess this is what we need in this new home-happiness, people, prosperity and love. Although this Christmas will be difficult for us b/c we are new to the neighborhood, I hope that everything will work out well for us.

My parents deserve peace, happiness, love, people and prosperity and each day I wish them this together. We will figure out what is best for each of us. I know that I have a lot to develop internally with emotions, spirituality, well-being, intellect and advocacy and I ask the Lord to help me each day. I hope and know that my strengths will outweigh my weaknesses- they always do.

December 08, 1995

As I continue writing in this book, I can continue to express my feelings of emptiness. As cold as the day was I felt cold inside myself. Not of being hostile but of being lonely, ridiculed, abandoned and depressed. How awful to feel such pain! Not one person was in agreement with talking to me all day, but this is not unusual. I have experienced this treatment before and it is hurtful and one begins to wilt because of not being accepted for who I am. As one individual stated, ‘I walked around with a blunt affect all day’. Not true. I am trying to keep myself focused. Another problem I have? I have no rear-end! My response? Stop looking. And still another comment says ‘I am triste all the time’. Is it any wonder? Look at the type of people I deal with on a daily basis!

December 09, 1995

Today I realized that I am probably practicing in the wrong field! I expressed my feelings of working with the homeless population and how sick I am of working with arrogant and ignorant people. I hate that they treat me as a second class citizen and ridicule me about my differences. I hate that I am always seen as the outsider and I have a lot of negativity towards others that label me as being passive, having a blunt affect or even being hateful. Within a three months span I am surprised that others know me more than I know myself! I understand that I have to give myself a bit of space to learn more about group management, anger management, self-control, self-reflection and time management, but I need time to learn about this. If I could only get over the fact of what people think about me I would have a better life in loving myself unconditionally.

Saturday, December 13, 1995

As I sit here at home I am considering what has happened today. As I started the day being focused with getting things done, during the later part of the day, I have noticed that I am in