Tequila & Salt: I’m Every Woman

By Cassie Date

A painful, yet lively and even funny testimony of female persistence through the hardships of self-discovery and recognition.

A story of desire, and not just sexual, of a woman who placed all her bets on a marriage that ended up in failure, and then embarks on a process to reclaim her identity, her uniqueness.

A search for connection, acknowledgement, and sexual validation that every reader will easily relate to.

Rich anecdotes about online exchanges and encounters with potential lovers.

Mysteries uncovered, emotional upheavals, confusion, chaos, uncertainty, disappointments, inner motivations, sexual discovery, commitment, loyalty, morality, exposed emotions, self-doubt.

An unclear affair that raises many questions and leaves many doubts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fresh Ink Group
• Release date: Mar 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9781936442423

Book preview

2018

Friday, January 12th 2018

THANK YOU

When I started posting online in 2016, this whole new crowd began gathering around me. From all corners of the world. Some came and went. Others came and stayed. Loads of them, actually. Faithfully reading and commenting on my ramblings regularly. Writing me private messages. Some even on a daily basis. Patiently awaiting Tequila & Salt to be delivered.

And to those people - too many to name here, but you all know who you are -, I would like to offer my eternal gratitude. It was Hot Date #1 who made me aware again of my everlasting femininity. But you guys, man . . . you made me learn and grow! You made me further develop into what I am today. Feelings included.

My 3 kids . . . What would I do without them? So patient and helpful when ‘Bad Mom’ was again stuck to her screen writing or chatting . . . The number of times they brought me coffee and cigarettes. The teasing once I told them about the book and its contents. And how excited they are to now have a ‘writer Mom’ . . . And one that is happy at that! Stay the way you are, my babes! And thank you for bearing with me! Love you to bits!

Also, a huge thank-you for G-man, Stephen Geez, full of humor and patiently suffering for almost 12 months – on and off – my rambling questions, requests, and changes; and co-ordinating this whole book project, including a huge contribution for the cover design. To the late Ann Stewart for helping out with the administration and the final book design. And to Beem Weeks for guiding me on the social media launch.

I would like to give credit to Artist (yes, with a capital A) Anik for the artwork of the Tequila & Salt cover.

Fresh Ink Group, definitely a most wonderful guide in indie publishing.

All through most of my adult life, I was lucky enough to have a friend that proved to be so much more than just a friend. My soul sister. Always inspiring, listening, and advising. And laughing. Definitely always adding fun to just anything. That one person you may call in the middle of the night if need be. She’ll always be there, putting up with me and my ramblings.

Finally, my editor. Rodolfo Mazzuchi MacSwain. What did I know about editing ? Gee! He sat down with me to work – at times around the clock - to make sure that every paragraph (!) was consistent with what I have gone through. I believe I should call him psychologist instead of editor, for that is what it felt like: therapy. I am eternally grateful, for his input was exactly what I needed to reassure that this part of my life had been essential in my becoming the woman I am today, and that my book had to be published.

Facts do not cease to exist

because they are ignored …

-Aldous Huxley

Sunday, April 23rd 2017

AFTER THE FACTS

I have read and re-read this diary so many times. And every time I finish, I just can’t believe how I managed to become so insecure about myself, so loveless about who I thought was there: the Mom. I already was fucking awesome before meeting Hot Date #1. Always have been. I finished my studies at age 48, ran marathons, was there for my kids, exercised my creativity. And had been a business bitch before that. I was already beautiful. Why could I not see that all was good?

Many times I have been tempted to change my ramblings. The naivety at times. The stupidity at others. But I have decided against it time and again. It was my diary, my feelings at the time, and so be it! But this truly shows me as I was, and I do hope you enjoy it.

How could I have let myself be led by my Cuban lover for just over 4 months, when I should have cut myself loose after 2.5 weeks? I mean, casual is casual, right? Fuck, was I searching for a new rock? Another stability, even if only for one or two nights per week? Was I that deprived of physical contact? I stated all along that I was not in love. And I wasn’t. Never been and never will be. Not with Hot Date #1, that is. Why did I stay in this casual dating scene if I knew from the start it was not my thing?

But I did find my secret exciting. The sex as well, of course (always remain honest!) I truly had fun for a while. And I look back with a smile and a sigh . . .

I have also come to understand that where two fight, two are at fault. No question about it.

Of course, my almost-ex has not always been courteous to me, and he still is unhappy with what he does in his life. I learned, now that I’ve grown so much mentally, that neither have I helped him a lot in changing his situation over the past couple of years. All I tried to do was make him happy and keep the family together. And I did for a while. But trying is of no use if you are not motivated on the same level. The team was gone, and in my heart I guess I had known a long long time ago that we would never ride the same wave again.

So today, I live for myself. Not for my family. Not for other people. Just for myself. Trying to be the best example that I can be for my babes and for the people I love. I have a life again. A life filled with joy and laughter; and I am absolutely passionate about my projects.

And I keep at it now. Remaining myself. Because I need it. Because I am. I want to explore this recovered independence, and be the free spirit I have become.

I am my rock !

Don’t just stand outside your story

and hustle for your worthiness.

Walk in it, live it, own it!

-Bréne Brown & Cassie Date

Thursday, September 1st 2016

INTRODUCTION

At what point do my own needs have priority over anyone else’s, including my kids’?

This is my life I am talking about, and I have the right to be happy. No, I owe it to myself to be happy, because life is beautiful. This gift of life may have been given to me more than once. Yes, I do believe I have lived other lives before. But what is the use of being alive today, if you cannot enjoy today?

In my case, the first affair was not entirely driven by sexual desire. More out of emotional neglect and an extremely long-term lack of intimacy. To me, it was craving to feel desired, needed, wanted, accepted for who I had become … alive. No prejudice. And yes, of course, sexy (read: having sex), as well.

I believe those are basic and very healthy needs, which my marriage did no longer provide. I will not bother you with the reasons why my relationship did no longer ‘work’, as everyone has different reasons and my past is not of essence to this diary. Let’s leave it at that. I believe I have tried everything for the last 12 years to make things work. I guess we have both changed in our approaches to life and have different values now than we had when we started. No hard feelings. No regrets from my side.

The point is, I have tears in my eyes while writing all this, because having been so unhappy for so long, having been thrown lemons at so many times, it makes me wonder why I didn’t ask for Tequila & Salt before.

So be it ! Everything happens for a reason, and there is a time for everything. These are also things I strongly believe in.

In that spirit, I started an online diary. Maybe to help out someone else who needed to know she’s not alone out there, or maybe to put myself in perspective. I simply don’t know. I just wanted some trace of this extraordinary experience, for this feeling to go from ‘feel’ to ‘real’. Which, by the way, is how I came up with the pseudonym Cassie Date. Facebook didn’t find ‘Casual Date’ an acceptable name.

Further down the road, however, I started thinking, ‘Who can I identify with today, at age 49?’. . . So many great women alive, but no stories about their deepest feelings, their secrets, their fears, and their lust. A lot of fiction. And so many women my age who are unhappy and feel ‘locked-up’ in their lives . . .

Then one day, a friend read over my shoulder and almost peed her pants laughing. And that is how the book idea was born. Well, here you have it . . . something to think about, something that is real. Something that is happening right now. To open your eyes. Wide. After all, this parallel life I will be talking about later is out there, and not to be ignored. To enjoy it if you want it. And if you can. I couldn’t.

I am not saying I am pro-affair. I definitely am not! I have been a monogamous woman ever since I said ‘I do’ (until Hot Date #1, that is). But . . . if you have tried to make things work for as long as I have, and the only end is a dead end, then what have you got to lose, right?

I chose to take matters into my own hands instead of crying on a Freudian couch. I became happy with myself in the process. Very quickly so. I have also been disappointed. And felt used. At some point, I wanted to go back to my old life, as it was much safer. Because I am definitely not cut out for the casual online dating stuff. Too many feelings and not a ‘straight-fuck’ type of girl. I need to feel for the person. And this is dangerous. But I went on and beyond. Bit masochistic? Maybe, but Imasochistic? Maybe, but Imasochistic? Maybe, but Imasochistic? Maybe, but Imasochistic? Maybe, but Imasochistic? Maybe, but Imasochistic? Maybe, but Imasochistic? Maybe, but I

People definitely do not change at my age. They learn from all their different experiences and become better actors for it. I am a bad actor. This is the most important thing I learned about myself. I can pretend to be a good actor, but that does not make me one. Somehow, my feelings always get in the way.

I guess a psychologist would have a field day analyzing this part of my life!

Today, I am happy with myself, my kids, and all the life projects I am working on. No potential long-term relation on sight. But I am still wondering about nights in white satin (or rather black, as white is way too innocent for me) . . .

I’M IN LOVE WITH LIFE. I LIVE, I FEEL, I DO!

I guess I am a lucky woman after all . . .

I am Cassie.

You can close your eyes and pretend it is not there …

Or you can close them and ‘see’ your way out.

Friday, December 25th 2015 (Yay, I’m 49!)

I REALIZE . . .

And then, you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is finally over.

At exactly 49 years of age, I realize that after years of trying, struggling, wanting to believe it would all get better one day, it definitely could not become any worse.

It’s time to take back the only thing which was mine to start with . . . MY LIFE.

I am proud of my story, but more so of the fact that

I am the one who wrote it.

And all I did was try to survive …

Saturday, December 26th 2015

HERE I AM

Of course, my real name is not Cassie Date, and, of course, I do not live in New Orleans as my Facebook page indicates. (I wish!)

All the rest is real, though.

After being ‘locked-up’ in a loveless marriage for so long, it’s not easy to open up and ‘really’ talk with anyone—except for my soul sister, of course, but she must be so tired of hearing the same story over and over again.

You know that feeling? You wanna say something and in your head it’s all worked out, and it actually sounds like the right thing to say . . . but then, when you open your mouth, it just comes out all wrong (hahaha). Well, that’s me!

She told me once I could sometimes be a real ‘ball-breaker’ (if only she knew half of it).

And the following poem comes to mind . . .

You will always be too much of something for someone:

Too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy.

If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.

Apologise for mistakes.

Apologise for unintentionally hurting someone—profusely!

But never ever apologise for being who you are.

Well, I believe this poem (by Danielle LaPorte) was probably written for me.

Don’t get me wrong, though—people find me extremely funny and do enjoy going out with me as it will always be an evening full of fun, mojitos and laughter (no Cuba Libre nor tequila though . . . these come later).

But to start your life over with new people (and don’t forget the three kids you carry with you into this new life) . . . Man, do I need to loosen up a bit! I am so fucking scared and nervous about it. And at the same time, oh, so excited!

I am not one to sit down and feel sorry for myself. Well, sometimes I do, but only in extreme cases. I am 49 years and one day old, and I have a life to live. Whatever it may be that makes me happy, I will do my utmost to find it.

For whatever reason: HERE I AM!

To realize all of a sudden that the ocean exists,

and with it, endless possibility …

Sunday, December 27th 2015

FEELING DETERMINED

Desperately Seeking Susan, or rather Bridget Jones, comes briefly to mind—but that’s just plain wrong!

I am so determined to start over at last. For me. For my kids. Hell yeah, for the whole wide world!

. . .

Realization is awareness.

Action is survival.

Friday, January 1st 2016

PARTLY SEPARATED . . .

Yep, after almost 20 years of marriage, over a decade of struggling, and more than a year without sex—I have moved into the spare room.

Somehow, the 1st of January 2016 seems to mark the moment. It feels right.

And I sleep like a baby . . .

I was let fade away into the background, disappear.

No one crawled into my space.

No one grabbed my hand.

No one pulled me out …

Saturday, March 26th 2016

FEELING BLUE . . .

I feel so alone . . . Despite having a soul sister who listens, comments, and doesn’t judge.

I worked hard on my projects the last couple of months, and everything starts taking shape. However, the space I need for my project has not materialized as of yet. Patience.

My home situation is deteriorating in ‘free-fall’ style.

How do you continue living with a person who is drawing back more and more, who doesn’t want to share / do anything, who comes and goes without letting us know, replies with a simple yes or no? That is, if he makes the effort of answering. And clearly doesn’t care about anything to do with you any longer—including his own kids, it seems. That hurts.

But to date, he still is my husband by law, and he is the father of my 3 children. (Deal with it!)

Stonecold by Demi Lovato is