Loving to Heal: Easing the Way to Wellness

By David Montgomery

Loving to heal is better than fighting to fix.David Montgomery

Reading David Montgomery's Loving to Heal is like floating down a cool, gently flowing stream on a warm day: I felt buoyant, supported, exhilarated, and refreshed. His blend of medical science and spiritual wisdom leads to altered perspectives, enrichment, and contentment.

Effortlessly and gratefully, I got out of the stream at a different place than I went in.

Susan Rau Stocker, author of Many Faces of PTSD: Does Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Have a Grip on Your Life?

The clarity and purpose of this masterful work stands as both testimony and guide to our individual quest to be all we can be in this one precious life. Loving to Heal serves as an essential how-to manual for care givers of all genres, personal and professional, and its message carries immeasurable benefit to the caregiver and cared-for alike.

Jane Lehr Eckert, PhD, counseling psychologist, life coach, energy medicine practitioner

I highly recommend this book to all caregivers. As a matter of fact, I cant think of a single individual that would not benefit from this valuable resource!

Jamie Phillips, DC, certified Heal Your Life coach

Dr. Dave administers the cure of healing thoughts and wise words with the carefulness and skill of a master healer and soul guide, which he is. This book is pure love, and the prognosis is lasting joy.

Amy Katz, MA, author, vision-quest guide

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 15, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504332842

David Montgomery

General David Montgomery lead the 8th Army to victory at El Alamein in 1942, and as Chief of Land Forces in the Allied invasion of Normandy in 1944 he received Germany's surrender in 1945. Concentrating on the momentous events of Operation Overlord from June 1944, his book co-written with Alistair Horne and titled The Lonely Leader follows Monty's leadership of the Allied offensive to Luneburg Heath the following May.

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Copyright © 2015 David Montgomery.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Photo of David Montgomery courtesy of Nannette Bedway

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3283-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3285-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3284-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015907629

Balboa Press rev. date: 06/12/2015

Contents

Preface Loving to Heal

Introduction

Part 1 Loving Perspectives on Care Giving

1 Heart Wisdom

2 Care Giving Stress

3 Limiting Beliefs: A Loving Perspective

4 Fear-Focused Care

5 Love-Focused Care

Part 2 Love-Focused Care in No Time

6 Awaken to Awareness

7 Allow Feelings: Accept the Experience of Yourself

8 Accept the Situation

9 Appreciate Your Experience

10 Ask and Receive

11 Align with Divine Spirit

12 Act with Loving-Kindness

Part 3 Loving to Heal: Continuing Your Journey

13 Loving to Heal the Bodymindspirit

14 Loving to Heal Relationships

15 Loving to Heal in Communities

16 Loving to Heal in Nature

Not The End The Journey Continues

Acknowledgements

Appendix A Limiting Beliefs

Appendix B Resources to Explore

Notes

About the Author

This book is dedicated to the loving spirit of Maryn.

It comes

from Love

for Love

with Love

In the beginning a voice whispered, I love you ... pass it on.

—Haven Trevino, The Tao of Healing

Preface

Loving to Heal

I was waiting in the airport for a flight home when my wife called me with shocking news. My niece, Maryn, had been diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer. I immediately called Marilyn, Maryn’s mom, to find out the details. I could feel Marilyn’s pain as she grappled with her daughter’s dreadful diagnosis. Marilyn asked for my advice. As a gynecologist, I hadn’t had any direct experience with patients with pancreatic cancer. I was aware that the prognosis was not good. I wondered, What advice could I possibly give her?

I couldn’t sit still. As I paced around the waiting area, I found myself speaking unfamiliar words to Marilyn. I felt that I was talking in a dream.

The first thing that came to mind was that it was best for everyone to ignore anything they heard regarding the prognosis. Prognoses only apply to groups, not individuals. No one can predict the future, so why waste the opportunity to learn from, appreciate, and love the one certain present moment?

My next advice was for Maryn. I told her to focus on loving—loving everything. The body heals best in a loving environment. Be a love sponge, soaking up every prayer, every hug, and every loving memory. Find something to love wherever you are. Focus on the love of God to know you are not alone and never will be. You will never be given more that you can handle.

People with cancer and those who are caring for them usually take it on as a battle to be fought: a battle that will be won or lost. Yet when faced with the potential of treatments over an extended period of time, fighting decreases the healing capabilities of the body and resists feelings of well-being.

The insightful words loving to heal came to me. I realized that loving to heal feels better than fighting to cure, and the results will better support wellness. Fighting expends energy, and its resources are limited. Loving creates energy from infinite resources.

Giving up the fight doesn’t mean giving up the desire for health. My niece could follow whatever medical advice and treatments she felt were right for her moment by moment. If she focused on loving during her treatments, her fear would decrease, the therapies would be more effective, and her well-being would be enhanced as she appreciated the preciousness of each moment. The words of advice kept flowing:

When you are in pain, focus on increasing comfort instead of decreasing pain. Pain doesn’t have the same power when it is not connected to fear.

Your focus will either lift you up or push you down. Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. If you want your path to be peace, comfort, joy, love, and purpose, look for these where you are.

Appreciate what is working and expand your wellness. Be aware of giving power to any perspective that isn’t life affirming or aligned with love.

In my thirty-plus years of medical practice I had never given such advice before. But my perspective on the value of love and healing had changed about two months before Maryn was diagnosed.

It began with an experience I had in the pre-surgical holding area while I was waiting to get coronary artery bypass grafts. I was surrounded by family and friends, and a sudden and profound sense of peace come over me, along with a wonderful joyful energy. I had been trying to take away my protective shields and open my heart for the previous fifteen years through spiritual practices. Now I was on the threshold of having my chest cut and my heart opened surgically.

The word that kept running through my mind was perfection. Everything I was experiencing was perfect, and everything that would happen was perfect. I was being held in the arms of God and I had no fear. Even if I were to die during the surgery, that too would be perfect. What better time to die than when in the presence of Love. (Just in case you think I might have been drugged up, I wasn’t on any medication during that time.)

I had the surgery and everything did go perfectly.

More than a year later and after multiple rounds of chemotherapy, Maryn wrote me this note.

I tell people all the time that I don’t waste my precious energy on fighting cancer. I direct my energy towards the positive things in my life—my kids, family, and friends. I try to focus on eating right, not stressing over the petty stuff, and dreaming of things to be in my future.

Much Love, Maryn

I had the honor to be in attendance during the last days of Maryn’s life. It had been more than two years since she was diagnosed. She had lived longer than 95 percent of those with stage-4 pancreatic cancer.

The whole family gathered in the hospice unit at St. Peter’s Hospital. To get there, my wife and I walked down a long, cluttered, brightly lit hallway filled with normal hospital activity. I looked into the rooms with open doors to see patients sitting up and talking with visitors. At the end was a set of double doors with the label Hospice Inn. We opened the doors and immediately felt a change in energy. The lights were dim, the hallway was clear, and the walls were covered with inspirational artwork. Visitors talked softly, and some were crying, but there was a quiet stillness in the air. Other than the presence of beds, it seemed more like a funeral home than a hospital.

Maryn was sleeping when we walked in, but when she was told we were present she opened her eyes. She squeezed my hand and looked directly into my soul. That moment alone was worth my being there, although many more loving moments were to follow. She had made a spiritual decision that her life not be prolonged with food or water. Her pain and seizures were managed with medications. Although she seemed to be sleeping or unconscious at times, she revealed that she was listening; once when family members were taking orders for a Starbucks run, she suddenly opened her eyes and said, I’ll take a mocha latte. Then she closed her eyes again.

Maryn’s room was just inside the door of the hospice unit. I was standing in the hall outside her room when the large double entrance doors automatically opened. Coming toward the unit was a nurse pushing a hospital bed holding a patient who was to be admitted to the unit. This chronically ill patient, appearing sad, was propped up in bed. Four family members with their heads bowed followed the nurse as they slowly moved toward the entrance. A hospice nurse met them at the door, introduced herself, and took control of the bed. As she was transporting the patient to her room, she talked softly to the patient’s family about the unit and its amenities.

I started to laugh, stifled it—and immediately felt ashamed. It was one of those stressful times when misplaced humor arises. When the nurse had started listing the amenities, I’d had a sudden vision of the TV show The Love Boat, the one where love-seeking travelers board a cruise ship and are greeted by the purser and activities director. The show’s theme song played in my head.

I realized that those double doors represented a threshold. The patients outside the doors expect to live and those just inside the doors expect to die—two different types of journeys for patients and families.

A while later, Maryn’s breathing pattern changed, and it seemed like each breath might be her last. Family and friends circled around her. We held hands. I had a sense we were all connected by an invisible matrix of heartstrings. There was a powerful presence of Love. Then Maryn unexpectedly opened her eyes and reached out to each of her children for a last hug. There is no greater love than what was present in that moment. It was then that I realized why The Love Boat image had come to me. Maryn was casting away on an Unconditional Love Boat. I had chuckled before but now I smiled, knowing my vision had been right on target.

Even though she died, Maryn healed herself and those that she touched with Love. It was in Maryn’s final days that I was inspired to retire from my gynecologic practice and repurpose my life to share love-focused caring perspectives and promote wellness. It was in Maryn’s final days that the seeds of this book were planted.

Introduction

I come from a family of care givers. My mom raised four sons and took care of my grandmother in the final years of her life, and she volunteered her talents to many community organizations. My dad took care of three wives when each was dying of cancer. My brothers and their families are all care givers. My wife, Jane, has been a schoolteacher and raised two sons, and she has developed a yoga teaching practice to care for the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of others.

Me, I was in ob-gyn specialty training and private practice for thirty-seven years, wrapping up my practice in 2014. I cared for more than a hundred fifty thousand women in that span of time—most of them care givers themselves.

So it’s fair to say I am no stranger to care giving. I understand the pressures and stresses involved—the fears and the struggles that people who care for others endure. But in my journey as a care giver, by traveling my own spiritually based path to wellness, I have also learned ways to overcome the fear and ease the struggle, and I wrote this book to share those ways with you. Fundamentally, I discovered that the key to easing your way to wellness as a care giver is to make a shift from fear-focused to love-focused care. You will learn the distinction between the two, and a variety of ways to effectively make that shift, as you read on.

We Are All Care Givers!

Care giving takes place in all walks of life. Fundamentally, we are all care givers. At a minimum, we care for ourselves, something we do twenty-four hours a day. Sometimes we care for ourselves in ways that serve our well-being, and sometimes in ways that don’t, but every day we make decisions that influence our state of wellness. We are care givers if we are parents, or if we are grandparents whose children can’t care for their own children for one reason or another. We are care givers if we are in helping professions: if we are doctors, preschool teachers, counselors, or home health care workers. We are care givers when we help a friend out of a jam by offering the couch for a week. We are care givers when we sit quietly beside someone who is dying. Throughout our lives, we may be called upon to care for others, and always we are called to care for ourselves. This is why it’s so essential to learn the difference between fear-focused and love-focused care, so we can be as effective in our care giving as possible, and kind to ourselves as well.

I have written this book for all care givers, but it may be especially helpful for the overburdened care giver who feels worn down by the struggle. He or she—often she—is a sensitive person who sometimes absorbs the suffering of others. Her energy is low, and so is her self-esteem. She feels like she can never do enough to feel like she’s good enough. She finds herself dwelling on all the shoulds and shouldn’ts of care giving that keep her in a state of chronic stress. Resentment and anger may be affecting the quality of care she gives. She feels guilty about those feelings, especially when they spill over into her actions. She feels responsible for the feelings of those she cares for. Sometimes her whole life just feels impossibly heavy, and she is very, very tired. Yet every morning she gets out of bed and tackles another day of care giving.

Do you see yourself in this picture? If so, you probably find it all too easy to neglect the very person who bears the weight of all this care: you. You believe you have no time for self-care, and anyway, you probably don’t deserve it—you haven’t done quite enough yet. Besides, you’re strong: you should be able to handle