Ms and Relationships: My Healing Spiritual Journey

By Karen Lawrence

Karen initially believed that her interest and curiosity in the new age realm would lead her to a full recovery or cure from Multiple Sclerosis. What she discovered was how her relationships played a key role in her mental, physical, and spiritual health. It began by ending friendships that were or never were healthy in the first place. She then discovered that it was not only the unhealthy friendships but it carried over to intimate relationships and professional relationships with her clients as well as other collegues. When she wanted to know why she had attracted so many people in her life that did not reflect her integrity her Homeopathic team placed Karen on a journey of self discovery. She began to realize that this pattern of relationships stemmed from the first relationships she made with her parents particularly her mother.

She started to notice the significance of her relationship with her mother when she began the writing process of this book. Having all the intention of filling the pages with Alternative Health care Professionals, instead, she found herself writing about her mother. Prior to writing her book she read another book which was a guide for beginner writers and she knew she had to finish writing her thoughts on paper before she could continue as she thought, to write about Practitioners. However, Karen couldnt stop writing about her mother but continued to write and found that the writing process became very healing for her. This new journey became the source of what healing from Multiple Sclerosis was all about for Karen. What she gained from the result of her relationship with her mother was to learn to love herself. Once she did that she was able to break through her chrysalis and transform into a beautiful, spiritually-healed woman.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jan 30, 2017
• ISBN: 9781504373326

Karen Lawrence

Karen Lawrence was born in Orlando, Florida, USA. She attended Winter Park High School graduating in 1976. She graduated from the University of Central Florida in 1981 with a Batchlor of Arts degree in Elementary Education. She has worked in the education field in Orlando, Florida for over 30 years as a Teacher and Substitute Teacher. Karen is a member of the New World Celts in Orlando, Florida, which is a non-profit organization that is worldwide. New World Celts supports the Celtic traditions and beliefs of the past and gives scholarships to individuals keeping these traditions alive; from bagpipers to Irish dancers, etc. She hopes her book will introduce her readers to the mystical, magical Celtic folklore of Ireland, Scotland, and Wales passed down from generation to generation. She is of Irish descent. About the Illustrator: Zoey was born at same point in the summer, at some location within the USA. I find inspiration in Dungeons & Dragons, stories from friends, antics of pets, and the wilderness that consumes my heart. I don’t really know what I’m doing as a whole other than finding myself & what brings me joy. I choose to not speak on my own work, but to let the viewers make their own meanings based on their own experiences & emotions.

Book preview

MS AND

Relationships:

My Healing Spiritual Journey

KAREN LAWRENCE

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Copyright © 2017 Karen Lawrence.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-7331-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-7332-6 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 02/15/2017

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

Part One

Initial Diagnosis

London University Hospital

Social Worker at University Hospital

Social Worker/Booklets

Physiotherapist and Occupational Therapist

Stages of Grief before Going Home

Home at Last

Carol

Bible

Catholic Upbringing

Oprah/Next Phase of Healing

Return to Work

Moving into an Apartment

Priest

Childhood

My Relationship with Sally and Dance Class

Kid Summer Holidays

Elementary School

Child Insights through the Journey Practitioner

Teenage Years

High School

Best Friend Joan

Devouring Bear and Joan

UMD

Part Two

Moving To Canmore Affecting My Relationships With Mom And Joan

Drugs and MS

Drug Treatment and My Friendships

My True Friendship with Lori

My Relationship with Donald

Similarities between Donald and Joan

Donald’s I Love You Program

My Relationship with Donald Turns Abusive

Similarities between Donald and Mom

Mom, 2010

I Can Do It Vancouver 2011

Mom, 2011

Certified Angel Practitioner

Three Days of Christmas 2011

Summer Vacation, 2012

Falling, 2012

Past Lives and Karma

Shaman

Psychic Development

Mom Depression

Parallel Marriages of my brother and parents

Lori Card Reading

Second Past Life Regression With the Shaman

Psychic Readings with Rose

Second Reading with the Shaman

Rose relationship turns abusive

Stephanie at Christmas

Christmas CDs

The Relationship with Rose parallels mom; Things Come to Light

Anita/Dying to Be Me

Is This My Conclusion?

Parents’ Visits

Iyanla provides some insights

Homeopath and his wife

Dreams

Reverend

John Gray, Jane Fonda, and Goldie Hawn

Jane Fonda

Goldie Hawn

The Power of Intuition

Afterword

Bibliography

About the Author

Dedicated to my family.

Thank you for all your support

And faith.

I love you all so very much.

This is also dedicated to my grandmother,

Who has also played a significant role

In my journey and who will always

Be present in spirit.

With the exception of Carol and Hannelore, and the doctors at University Hospital, names have been changed to protect the ones I love.

Acknowledgments

I WOULD LIKE TO thank my family, who have watched in disbelief the initial stages of my illness but who were also privileged to watch me transform back to health and wellness. I have met a great many health care practitioners, whom I am unable to name, but I acknowledge them for all their efforts, advice, and healing. I have met many chiropractors, but by far the most influencial is the one I met here in Calgary and who became a part of my healing journey. I will be forever grateful.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my homeopathic doctor and his wife (who’s also a registered nurse). They have not only been my professional advisors but have really taken me under their wings and have guided me and continue to provide guidance as I spread my wings. When I was unable to share some of the aches, pains, and joys of my transformation, I could count on them. In this process I feel as though they have become my surrogate parents. With their efforts, they have helped me to make this transformation. They have helped me to realize that true physical well-being can only happen through spiritual well-being.

I would also like to thank my dear friend Lori, who has supported me throughout this process and has watched me transform into a physically healthier human being as well as a spiritually healthy person. To be able to share all my spiritual progress with Lori has impacted my life a great deal.

Preface

I KNEW FROM THE initial diagnosis of multiple sclerosis (MS) I was on a spiritual journey to health. This journey included receiving many messages to make changes to my life. On every follow-up visit I made to the MS clinic, I had this inner knowing that I was different. I knew there had to be others with the same attitude and positive outlook I was carrying with me, yet I was not being attracted to those circles of people. I obviously needed to go within for the answers I was seeking. Through spirit I was guided to people and professionals to help me make the changes I needed to make in my life.

I was guided to see many alternative health care professionals along the way from the onset of my initial diagnosis in 1993. As my spirituality blossomed I was drawn to see a renowned psychic medium who presented valuable insights. I saw her in Calgary, Alberta, on February 5, 2010. In my reading she expressed that I would write a book, maybe two, and at that time I had no inclination whatsoever to write a book, so this information was quite interesting to me. It was some time after that reading when I received a package in the mail from the MS clinic in Calgary. I was filling out the information they were requesting to help them create a program to help those diagnosed with MS. On one of those forms, I was given one line to explain what I thought would help the clinic be more supportive to those with MS. I found myself trying to fit my entire history, or more specifically my journey, on one line.

In that line I put down a lot of alternative health practices and doctors that have helped me along my way to health. I truly thought it was solely why I have made all the gains in my health. I was not crediting myself at all and the personal changes I made in my life. I was crediting the health professionals. But it was in writing that one line that I was hit with the revelation that my journey required not just one line but an entire book.

I found that the actual writing process brought me back to memories of significant events and relationships I had with family and friends. The book is divided into two sections. The first section is the events and relationships prior to my diagnosis and the second part is how I changed the relationships I had after the diagnosis.

One of the many books that have found me included Personality Self-Portrait by John M. Oldham, M.D., and Lois B. Morris. In this book they included a self-portrait graph that was determined by answering a number of questions about your personality. The highest scores I received were in Conscientious, sensitive, and vigilant. Hyper-vigilance, a post-traumatic symptom, is produced by excessive histamine (a stress hormone) as well. ¹The lowest scores would be in aggressive and mercurial. I read this book so long ago I cannot give you a time frame. What I found interesting is that I just watched a video with Doreen virtue. Doreen is an author and a folk psychology motivational speaker. I would be drawn to many books that Doreen authored that helped me on my journey to healing. On this video that I watched on July 18, 2016, Doreen was promoting one of her latest books. The book was titled Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle. She discussed the term hypervigilance, which is described as being in a state where you are continually looking for the next dangerous or hurtful situation and you find yourself frequently feeling anxious, nervous, and afraid. This state does not necessarily mean that you are waiting for a natural disaster to occur or a terrorist attack to happen in your city, but in fact includes drama in your life; specifically drama in your relationships. What kind of crisis is happening in your family, with your friends, or with your collegues at work? Do you find yourself in the middle of all this drama? Doreen goes on to explain that if in fact you are dealing with drama on a continual basis you will find yourself in a state of hyperarousal. This is when your body releases stress hormones which can lead toward debilitating diseases. The story of my relationships became the story of my healing and ultimately the healing of the relationship starting with myself.

Part One

Initial Diagnosis

After the sun had set, they began bringing to Him all who were ill … And He healed many who were ill with various diseases.

(Mark 1:30–34)

M Y INITIAL DIAGNOSIS was quite dramatic. It wasn’t one of those things they couldn’t figure out or something that showed up in my blood work. One of my high school friends was diagnosed with MS, and her story was similar to this. They would test for other conditions and the results would come back and the doctors could not identify what was causing her symptoms until years later.

Just prior to my diagnosis, I remember complaining about low energy and asking my family physician if I needed iron. He confirmed my iron levels were fine and there was nothing to worry about. I think it was soon after that when I experienced pain in one of my eyes that would not subside. I was referred to an eye surgeon who ran tests and diagnosed optic neuritis. This was extremely painful and would eventually affect both of my eyes. If you have MS or know someone who does, you may also know that they discovered that if you were given a diagnosis of optic neuritis, there was a high probability that it was a precursor to MS, and if treated with one of the drug treatments, specifically Copaxone, the likelihood that you would receive the diagnosis of MS was greatly diminished.

I, on the other hand, was not privileged to this information at the time of my diagnosis. This is due to the fact that they did not make this discovery until after I was diagnosed with MS. So yes, you can guess that’s what exactly happened to me. Soon after recovering from optic neuritis, I experienced my first attack. I just remember waking up in the middle of the night, and I felt quite odd. It was like someone took chalk and from the top center of my head and drew a line down past my naval. The entire right side of my body felt like it fell asleep—you know that feeling when your foot falls asleep and you have that pins and needles feeling all over your skin. I felt a little off balance and a little weak but just thought it was because half my body fell asleep and it would all be better the next day. At that time I was still living at home. I remember I wanted to move out, but my instincts told me I had to stay a while longer. I would soon find out that I would need the support of my family.

The pins and needles did not go away when I woke the next day. I proceeded to go to work, thinking this was a temporary thing that was to soon pass. My mom said it was two weeks to the day that I woke up in the middle of the night again only to have the left side of my body feeling like pins and needles again. This time I was incredibly weak. I remember trying to get out of bed, but the entire room felt like it was spinning. I had to grab on to the sides of the mattress, and like a one-year-old taking her first steps, I would look for the furniture to get me to the door without falling. Since the bathroom was directly beside my bedroom door, I was able to grab onto the door frames for support. Again I went back to bed, hoping this would all go away in the morning, but I was quite nervous and a little frightened thinking that this was all a bad dream and I would wake up feeling better and balanced.

Unfortunately that did not happen, and this time Mom decided to take me to the emergency room because she thought I had a stroke. I wished she had just kept that to herself, but she didn’t. I was too busy convincing myself that it was a dream or virus. Mom seemed to have a knack for thinking of the worst-case scenario when something like this happened, or maybe it was a mother’s instinct. Regardless, I wished she kept that thought to herself. At the time I thought it was ridiculous to think that it was a stroke, but at the same time, they weren’t words of comfort. My parents can be like the Simpsons at times. Whatever they think comes out of their mouths without thinking how it would be interpreted or if it is appropriate. I wanted to hear something more hopeful and positive.

I don’t remember getting into the car, but Dad must have helped me because both of my parents were with me in the emergency ward at the hospital. Some of the events of my ordeal are blurry, and they all happened in a very short period of time. Really, when I think about it, I woke up and struggled to walk, only to discover that it would become worse as time passed, to the point that I required a wheelchair quite soon after the attacks.

I think part of me just wanted to delete the entire events from my life. I was thinking, How could it possibly be a stroke? I’m too young. Now when I think of it, anything is possible. We can subject ourselves to any disease. It’s how our bodies decide to react to the stress we have subjected ourselves to and are struggling to cope or are no longer able to cope.

Well, all those minutes waiting to see a specialist were some of the longest minutes of my life. We finally saw someone. The attending physician in the emergency ward referred me to a neurologist. I can’t remember when I saw him or what tests he administered, but I do remember him referring me for an MRI that was to take place in Duluth, Minnesota. All I can remember is sitting in his office and all three of us with that deer in the headlights look about us. I was living in Thunder Bay, and the hospital was not privileged to have an MRI at the time. When he referred me for an MRI, I thought this must be something serious. I remember thinking, What is happening to me?

When I left Thunder Bay, I think for London or maybe Duluth, the neurologist left me with two possibilities for my symptoms. It was either MS or a virus. Well, of course, I immediately thought it had to be a virus. How could I get diagnosed with something as serious

as MS? I was too young—twenty-five years too young.

I remember making that trip to Duluth. My brother Dean came with us. I think he was elected to carry me from the car to the hotel and medical clinic. My legs were no longer able to hold my weight, but Dean did not have a problem carrying me. My brother was teased for resembling Arnold Schwarzenegger. He weight- trained five days a week, and his body certainly looked like it. I guess this was my chance to test his strength.

I honestly do not remember a lot in Duluth. I just remember thinking how the MRI machine looked like Michael Jackson’s oxygen chamber. Once inside, however, it felt more like a coffin to me. The nurses and technicians would advise me to close my eyes during the procedure. This was helpful as I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself somewhere else. Once we had the results, they were to send them back to Thunder Bay. This part is a little fuzzy again but as soon as I returned home I would then be transferred via air ambulance to London University Hospital. They didn’t confirm or diagnose anything; I think they repeated that it could be MS or a virus. I think since my symptoms were so dramatic, they couldn’t get me there fast enough, and in London they had a multiple sclerosis clinic with specialized physicians.

When I left in the EMS to transport me to the airport, they told us that at the clinic they would be able to determine if it was multiple sclerosis or a virus. I went on the plane thinking it had to be a virus. I was too healthy to get anything as serious as MS. They transported me to the plane in a stretcher. You know the kind you see at the NHL or NFL games and they need to remove a player off the ice or field due to an injury that prevents them from walking off on their own. The stretcher was made out of two wooden poles attached to a piece of canvas. They proceeded to mount me in the plane. I couldn’t have been more uncomfortable flying to London.

Mom was still with me, but because space was limited on the plane, Dad had to get a separate flight to London. The inside of the plane was big enough for the pilot, nurse, Mom, and me. I think Mom said she had to sit on a shelf. I don’t remember seats in there. I don’t remember how long that flight was, but from Thunder Bay to London, Ontario, it was too long.

I guess they transferred me again from London airport to the hospital, but I don’t remember that trip. As we approached the hospital, I think I can remember being in the ambulance. I can vaguely remember the siren. Again, some memories of these events are blurry yet others are clear as a bell. I do remember being terrified. That whole deer in the headlights expression really does fit. One day you wake up unable to walk and you find yourself in an air ambulance on its way to London Ontario University Hospital. You start thinking, What on earth could this possibly be that they are making the effort of flying me to London? What on earth is going on?

London University Hospital

Drugs are not always necessary, belief in recovery is.

—Norman Cousins

O NCE I WAS at the hospital, they ran more tests and started the IV of prednisone. This drug I do remember. At first I was impressed with the nurse who was responsible for administering IVs. When I was in high school, I had my impacted wisdom teeth surgically removed, and they administered the anesthetic intravenously. However, the nurse administering the needle did not have a whole lot of experience. Prior to falling asleep, I remember being in a lot of pain. So when I knew I was getting another drug through an IV, I was not thrilled. I was preparing myself for an extremely painful needle, but the nurse was so skilled at this that I didn’t feel a thing. Mind you, it could also be due to the fact that adrenaline was also coursing through my veins. I was on this drip for nearly the entire time I was there. The needle may not have been painful, but I would soon find out the side effects of the drug. After a couple of days, I started to break out in pimples all over my body. They seemed to be everywhere but on my face. They were mostly all over my back and chest.

Once I arrived at the hospital in London, my symptoms progressed to the point that I was completely immobile. Dad was pushing me around in a wheelchair. I couldn’t bring a fork or utensil to my mouth, and Mom had to feed me, dress me, and bathe me. I remember the doctors telling me it gets worse before it gets better. I guessed when I was to the point where I was relying on my mother to feed me and clothe me like she did when I was a year old then it would all be uphill from there. At least I was hoping it would be.

I don’t really remember a lot of tests being done. I remember a lot of questions being asked, which is ironic because they knew very little about the disease even though they were the specialists in Canada. So on June 3, 1993, they diagnosed me with multiple sclerosis. I think I remember three doctors who came in my hospital room. I’m not sure on the number of doctors in the room, but I do know for sure it was more than one. Dr. Jones spoke first by saying, Well, the good news is it’s not Lou Gehrig’s disease. I had no idea what that was and asked. He then informed me that it was ALS (arterial lateral sclerosis), which at the time was referred to as the terminal form of the disease. That’s when he thought he would present the good news that I only had MS. They could not tell me how my health would change for the better, but they did say it would get better. That is the word I focused on, and it probably proved to be the only positive or encouraging word I would receive.

I was still focused on ALS and asked Dr. Ebers what the odds were that I could have been diagnosed with ALS. At that time in 1993 the odds were fifty/fifty, like a coin toss. Now those odds were crazy. I remember one of the interviews Oprah gave with Lance Armstrong who was at the time being stripped of his medals in racing due to doping. In the interview he spoke of his battle with cancer and how they gave him the same numbers I received. They told him that the chance of his survival was fifty/fifty. I think it is more the patient rather than the disease that decides whether to live or die. I think the numbers that are given to us are just a gauge to tell us how determined to survive we will be.

I know my first concern was if I could still have children. I was not married at the time, but I assumed I would be before I turned thirty. That was the first question I asked; unfortunately one of the doctors was quick to advise me not to have a baby as it would be taxing on my body and perhaps worsen my symptoms. I think this information was more difficult to swallow than the fact I was just diagnosed with MS. Then I found myself asking them more questions than they initially asked me, most of which they could not answer. I found them to only be able to give a list of things I should not do, such as have a baby, weight train, or exercise past 60 percent of my heart rate (what does that mean?), don’t stay in hot environments for extended periods, and don’t stay in extreme temperatures for extended periods. Everyone is familiar with a list of dos and don’ts, only they did not give me the list of dos. They honestly knew very little about the disease.

When the doctors left my room, I remember Mom breaking down and crying. I knew it was shocking news to be given a diagnosis of MS, so I was anticipating that she would say something along the lines of, This can’t be true, or Let’s get a second opinion, even though we were with the experts. Instead Mom said something along the lines of, I should never have shared so much about my issues with you. And she kept crying. Dad was confused about her statement. I don’t think he remembers it. I was confused at the time too. I knew she was blaming herself but did not understand why at the time. I was also confused as to why she blamed herself.

I knew from watching Oprah and maybe movies that it was common for a loved one to blame themselves in the event of someone taking their own life. They wish they could have done something different to change things so that they would still be alive. It is difficult to change the past, but changing what you do in the here and now is a lot easier.

Health was always important to me, and at the time my philosophy was that we are all responsible for our own health, lack of health, or diseases we are diagnosed with. I knew we created our health and illnesses. At the hospital I needed to know why I ended up with MS. I was careful about what I ate, with a few exceptions like coffee, chocolate, and potato chips. I felt I was a spiritual person and a good person in nature. I thought I was now a living example of when bad things happen to good people. At the time I really couldn’t contribute anything else to be the cause of contracting MS. The doctors didn’t know what caused MS either, so how was I supposed to know?

When Mom broke down and admitted that she shared too much with me, I knew Mom meant that whenever we went out for lunch on the weekends, went on bike rides, went shopping, traveled to Duluth, or played Scrabble together, she would indulge in all the drama in her life, particularly her marriage and how Dad never treated her the way she wanted him to. I would also hear about all the details of her friendships or maybe more so about the toxic friendships. I heard about every bad relationship and how it harmed her life.

In my own journey, I would discover that I was repeating the same pattern as my mother. I was developing friendships, intimate relationships, and professional relationships that were harming my well being. I came to a point in my life where I started to see the pattern I