The Caregiver Within

By Amy McLeary

A Caregiver Within was written with the intention of helping people tasked with caring for their loved ones. This book will detail my journey, my struggles, my hopes, and my victories while caring for my daughter with the help of Spirit, Angels, and my family. You will read about how I wanted to give up; how I felt blessed, and what enlightenment in my spiritual journey this struggle proved to be. Although this journey has brought me to my knees, it has also given me fulfillment. Medical books I have read about caring for a stroke patient leave out the emotional struggle, hopelessness, and loving bond that develops and evolves from the immense pain of the daily struggle and tears, spiritual and angelic intervention, and the need for positivity one needs to summon to be able to continue the journey of healing. I felt like the medical books labeled all the facts medically, but they ignored the nitty-gritty that goes on every day, as well as the uncertainty of how to deal with it. How was I going to handle my daughter crying and screaming every day and dealing with her bodily excretions? How was I going to give her medications daily and pick her up? This book explains my journey through the effort of caring for my daughter who was too young to be paralyzed and helpless.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jul 29, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504337120

Amy McLeary

Amy McLeary was born and raised in Bermuda. She is living in Pennsylvania with her husband and two of her three children working for a care and cleaning company. She has been doing Angel Card Readings and been A Reiki Master for many years, along with creating Healing Crystal Jewelry.

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Copyright © 2015 Amy McLeary.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3710-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3711-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3712-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015911349

Balboa Press rev. date: 07/27/2015

CONTENTS

Prologue

Chapter 1 - Spiritual Acknowledgement

Chapter 2 - My Flight to Marie

Chapter 3 - My Family

Chapter 4 - Moving to Pittsburgh

Chapter 5 - Talking to Angels

Chapter 6 - My Early Encounters with Angels and Spirit

Chapter 7 - Alan

Chapter 8 - Allison

Chapter 9 - Marie

Chapter 10 - Marie’s Stroke

Chapter 11 - Marie’s Godmother and Friends

Chapter 12 - Marie’s Stay in the island Hospital and the hospital in Philadelphia

Chapter 13 - Marie’s Rehab Experience

Chapter 14 - Outfitting the House for Marie’s Safety

Chapter 15 - Daily Struggles

Chapter 16 - Marie’s Day

Chapter 17 - Helping Marie

Chapter 18 - Ernie and Katie

Chapter 19 - I Have a Dream

Chapter 20 - Visiting Allison, My Crystal Jewelry, Marie and Alan’s Dad and Stepmother

Chapter 21 - Marie and Daisy

Chapter 22 - Our Marriage

Chapter 23 - Marie’s Journey

Chapter 24 - Marie’s Friends and her Eating

Chapter 25 - Marie & Alan, and my Dear Friend

Chapter 26 - Alan in his New Home

Chapter 27 - Christmas 2013 with Family

Chapter 28 - Amy is Working

Chapter 29 - Selling our Home and Loving our New Home

Chapter 30 - Letter to Self

Conclusion

My dear, sweet daughter, this book is for you. You have allowed me to grow through your illness and taught me lessons that I otherwise would have never had the opportunity to learn. You have had patience with me even though I was frustrated so many times. You are forever in my heart and soul, and I would like to thank you for agreeing to help me in this lifetime with my journey.

Secondly, this book is for my family—my husband, my sister, my brother, my younger daughter, my mom and dad. You all have listened to me cry and complain through the difficult times while I was learning and coping with the new experience of being a caregiver for our loved one. Thank you for the encouragement, the help, and the understanding you all extended whenever I needed it. You are all forever engraved in my heart.

PROLOGUE

W hile I wrote this book, I doubted myself many times for several reasons. The first thing I questioned was my ability to actually write a book, and secondly whether to completely expose myself in the hope that it would assist others on their journeys while caring for loved ones that have been compromised by a stroke or some other debilitating illness. I discovered while writing this book that my journey with Marie has helped me to understand myself. Loving unconditionally has allowed tremendous spiritual growth, and I have developed the ability to allow someone to lean on me completely. Opening up has helped me to see my shortcomings and has helped me to grow and move forward in a way that I never thought I could do. I found that by opening my library of knowledge—heart, soul, and being—I became vulnerable in many ways. This vulnerability increased fear, which led to uncertainty but taught me truth. It ultimately opened my heart in ways I had never experienced before. It has helped me to really get to know Spirit and have closeness with Him that I am sure I would never have otherwise had. Sometimes I have even felt Spirit was posing as Marie, and that is how she has been able to allow me this growth. I questioned myself many times. Am I able to care for my daughter the way she needs? Am I qualified? The qualification I have is simple; I am her mother. I had no idea that being her mom would mean physically caring for her in her adult years. I am now her caregiver and mom every single day.

I’ll be honest and tell you that I was scared to death. There are so many things I had to learn to do—things I had never done before—and of course, I resisted. The resistance made it very difficult and made my struggle even longer. When you read this book, you will see it is far better for everyone if you just go with the flow, so to speak. We as humans tend to make our lives more difficult instead of listening with our hearts to what the angels are telling us.

As Marie became more and more dependent on me, I realized she would not be okay if I left her. She needed me, and I was not sure I really wanted that to happen. Although it has been a struggle, it has also been fulfilling in many ways.

I leaned on my family day after day. I asked for advice, and sometimes all I needed was a listening ear. I felt sorry for myself, and I cried every day for months and months. It took a couple of years for me to realize that I could do this. It was going to be okay. I want you all to know that you can do it too. If I can, so can you! My husband, Ernie, actually struggled watching me cry and become frustrated. I am not sure how he still resides with us. He has been my rock along with my sister, Jane. Jane has literally held me up when I was collapsing and felt I was done and could not go on another day. Although, she says that she could not do what I do. Now, I feel what I do is not difficult anymore, just time consuming.

Marie has lost her life as she knew it. She has been unable to socialize with her friends, have a boyfriend, work, use the computer, walk on her own, take care of herself, and all the things we love to do. She misses out on so much daily living that we don’t even think about but do every single day. I often wonder what she really thinks. Does she miss it? I don’t know. She never complains. And I mean that. Marie never to this day has ever complained about the new way of life she has been limited to since her stroke. Quite phenomenal.

Our life together has changed from month to month. This is because her needs change, and the way she needs them done changes. We lived on a small island in the Atlantic Ocean all our lives and I have thought about taking her back and putting her in a home, but I always stop in my tracks and think about what will happen to her if I do that. I would hardly see her because we would be living in different countries. I would worry and feel guilty that I just gave up on her. I love my girl, Marie. I continue to pray for her every day—for her to be the best she can be—because although she may have this struggle in her spiritual journey, she may need to go through this. It is not up to me to try to alter her journey through prayers for something I want. Yes, I want her to be well. I want her healed. Any mother would want that for their child. But it is not about what I want; it is about what she wants.

Lord, this journey I have been on has brought me to my knees at times, has made me want to give up, has made me so sad, has made me grateful for things I forgot I had, has made me appreciate love in all its glory. And you know it has made me understand love and the extending of the helping hand. Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to learn this from my own home. Please continue to guide Marie on her path and to help her be the best she is meant to be.

What a blessing for me to have realized and understood that I am on a spiritual journey in this life. It has taught me to appreciate every flower, every smile, being healthy, being loved, the sun, and many other things—far too many to mention. I learned that being wealthy comes from within and does not contain dollar signs.

For all of you that are reading this today, I wish you a life filled with all the blessings Spirit can give you and more.

Namaste

CHAPTER 1

"I didn’t realize who I was,

until I stopped being who I wasn’t."

M y spiritual journey has awakened many sensations, understandings, and an all-encompassing knowing in me. How is it that I, at fifty-nine years old, have been given the test, gift, lesson, or maybe job of being the caregiver of my daughter, Marie, who is thirty-nine years old and severely compromised by a stroke? Is this my karma? Am I being punished? Is she being punished? Did she do this for me in a previous life? Did I promise to do this for her before she and I were born and in the forming of an intertwined life together as spirits? How do I understand this huge change that completely transformed my husband’s and my retirement? I once read that we promise to do things for souls when we are still in spirit form. I strongly feel I must have promised Marie I would care for her while she was sick and I was physically able to. Or maybe she promised to help me through a specific lesson that is involved in becoming a caregiver. One thing I know for sure is that we have had many lifetimes together, and we have assisted each other in these lifetimes. But all in all, I did not realize what this experience was going to do for me several years later.

I decided to write this book in hopes that it will help the many who become caregivers for loved ones without notice, experience, or even wanting to, and to let you see what happens when you open your heart unselfishly and lovingly without resisting.

We get to a point in our lives when we think, Okay, I have raised my children, worked fourteen hours a day for years, and now I can sit back and have a few vacations, read, enjoy my garden, have a glass of wine with my husband as we prepare dinner, enjoy my grandchildren, and just be. Then something drastic happens to one of your children, and your life is forever changed and stunted. You are suddenly taking care of one of your daughters as if she were a little child in an adult body. This type of care is very taxing on everyone in the household and especially on you because your body, which has aged, starts to rebel against the requests being made of it.

You suddenly realize how old you are. Your physical body does not move as it did when you were thirty years old. Your balance is not as coordinated either. Your mind thinks there is no difference until you actually try to change this grown-up child’s clothes and try to pick her up from the bed or the wheelchair. Then your muscles ache from yesterday’s tasks, and you wonder how long you will have to do this. Every day becomes harder and harder as you are introduced to all the different things you will now have to do every single day. Then your mind starts to hurt too, not to mention your heart, which aches at the sight of her constant crying. How do people do this every day? Imagine the inner strength you develop as you do these tasks every day.

Spirit, our dear God, continually makes Himself known, and you can feel He is always there with you. You are certain that without His help you could not continue in this manner and still feel good and contented. Lessons are placed in our path, and we cannot walk by them because they are for us to work at and accomplish. Then we are free to continue down that spiritual road to the all-knowing avenue. But as you walk and stumble because of yet another lesson, smile and turn to God; acknowledge that you know it is for your growth that these lessons appear. Once you have started that spiritual journey, you will continue to grow and get closer to Spirit, our dear God. It really does get easier, because you know that all of this learning is for the greater good. It will help you become a better person, filled with love, light, compassion, empathy, understanding, and the all-knowing that we strive for every day. What I have learned through all this is that if you look at things through a negative lens, you will get nothing but negative results. However, if you choose to look at things through a positive lens,