Bringing in Beauty

By Malcolm Pullen

When I heard of her Beauty had been a stray dog for almost two years. Many rescues had tried to bring her in and failed, unable to get close to her. Through requests of a friend I was reluctantly drawn onto the dance floor, into a dance with Beauty. A commitment to feed her for four weeks became a six month journey. A commitment to foster her became a choice to be together. Bringing in Beauty required I earn her trust. Earning her trust required I learn from her, required I to open to beauty.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Sep 2, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504365550

Malcolm Pullen

For many years I have been involved with dog and cat rescue ranging from fostering dogs to helping bring in strays. Bringing in Beauty was one such challenge, a challenge and opportunity to learn and grow. My thirteen years of study with a mystic opened my awareness in ways key to Beauty and I learning together. Beauty now lives with me in my dome shaped home in Portland, Oregon.

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Copyright © 2016 Malcolm Pullen.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5043-6554-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-6556-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-6555-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016914362

Balboa Press rev. date: 09/02/2016

Contents

A Bit of Background

The Dance Begins

First Meeting

The Deal is Cast

A Bit of Groundwork

The First Feeding

Calls & Coordination

The Routine

The Naming

The Dance Continues

A Long, Cold February

The Drive Home – Times of Reflection

Cold & Wet Concerns

The Connection is Made

Some Things Don’t Work

Offerings of Friends

A Week of Eternal Waiting

A Pause, Then More

Enjoy & Share

Hostile Elements

What Next?

First Treats

An Offering Accepted

Building Trust

Coming Closer

Towards Touch

A Leap in Closeness

Mind & Measuring

Yet Closer

Closer By a Bit

A Bit of Intimacy

There will be a Book

Always a Surprise

Connections with a Neighbor

Bravely Building Trust

Offers and Acceptance

Settling In

Bring out Fawn

Moving Towards Touch

Two in a Row

Allowing Protection

Doggy Intimacy

Towards a Pack

Bringing Beauty Closer

Cruelty Pushing Beauty Away

Getting Closer

Working on Trust

Lessons of Worry

Sweetness of Surrender

Becoming Family

A Step Backwards

Hiding, Then Returns

Her Approach

Work to do with Fawn

Three in a Row

Hiding from Young Hunters

Startled into Flight

Roller Coaster of Feelings

Others Want Her

A Bold New Move

From the Car

Brief and Meaningful

Empty Absence

Trusting Again

Toy Time

She Offers Herself

Enjoying Attention

Handling My Dog

Showing Me Her Space

Taking my Hand

Intimacy and Play

So Much Grooming Needed

Our Field

A Ritual of Connection

A Bit Surreal

Towards Being on Leash

Effort Rewarded

Where Is The Balance

More Relaxed and Organic

Just Being Us

From One Step to the Next

Settling More into Us

Sudden Terror

A Bit of Car Exposure

Setting Boundaries

A Boundary Accepted

Rainy Days and Boundaries

A Step Barely Noticed

A Quick Visit

Getting Fawn to Accept Beauty

Introducing Ute

Maybe My Sister

Family

Trust and the Car

Declaring ‘Us’ to Others

Time for Focus

Little Progress

A Step in the Right Direction

Crossing Over

Day of Chase

Help from the Neighbors

With Me Inside

Beauty and the Cat

More Socializing

Unleashing Fear

What Pains Her

Inner Weavings

Transition to Leash

Sorrow and Separation

Speaking with the Police

Announcing ‘Us’

Quick Visit

Jumping In

Thanks and Goodbyes

Subtle Changes

Quiet Day Getting Ready

Time to Plan

More Willingness to Trust

Easy Day

The Future Arrives

Four Years Later

About the Author

A Bit of Background

Ute has been a friend for many years. Our shared interest in dogs holds the friendship together. Well, that is a guy description, quite true but lacking the intricate details and interplay involved. You see I am a guy, an older guy, raised in the 50s and 60s in a logging community, living on the grounds of a mental hospital. Now at 63 I have been given a challenge, given a task to step beyond my masculine patterns, to share more than simple statements. Please realize the guy part of me is protesting, Too much energy for what payback? What? No, we keep that part within so it won’t interfere with what we must do? And just how will this serve others? Hey, that exposes too much. Look, we made it work. Why talk about what has already happened? It will, indeed, be a challenge. Even now the guy part of me is eager to begin describing, letting you know what the pieces are and how they fit together. My mind is arguing that letting you know what my writings will include is important. From within I receive guidance, what my rational mind translates as Be open, be organic, let the energies bring it forth.

I expect many of you are now ready to stop reading. Nut case! Airy Fairy Total loss of reality. and other judgments. Some will be uncomfortable. Some will hide behind a Why bother? It is your choice. If the play between the rational and the mysteries of life amuse you I invite you to join me. My plan is to interweave the rational, the descriptive, feelings (the body’s experiences), and phrases pointing to quiet knowings from within. For those of you who enjoy a challenge keep the title in your awareness. Notice the many subtle inferences connecting to the title. If you wish, share with me at [e-mail]. I can just hear some of you, You can’t share your email in a book! Well, it is my book and I just did.

Ute and I’s relationship goes deeper than an interest in dogs. It goes deeper than that and is more complex than that. I was the person who validated, agreed with, her assessment that a withdrawn dog, long in the pound, could be drawn out, drawn into a dog-person relationship. Shiva was Ute’s first dog, a creature found tied out in a field with signs of being used as a bait dog. He yearned to connect with his person yet held back afraid of what that might bring. Yes, there are similarities between Shiva and I. Perhaps you can find traces of the same fears within you. I won’t speak for Ute, that would be folly. (grin)

There have been other rescues Ute and I shared in various way. The fate of some dog or cat needing rescue is common discussion between us. Even more common are discussions of what is happening in rescued animal’s lives. Ah, perhaps this will help you get a feeling for Ute and I’s connections. Ute was involved in my finding, taking on, adopting, all four of my current animals, two dogs and two cats. Now the guy part of me is clearly stating, That is enough information! There is more to tell! I am grateful for and occasionally annoyed by the diet, behavior, and logistical help Ute is providing me, helping me provide a richer life for the animals that share my home. The guy part of me is afraid I will expose myself by sharing what I provide for Ute. I was directly involved in her bringing home two of her three dogs. I also support her in providing for them. I am their backup people, caring for them when Ute is busy.

Oh, this page is almost ended, I better get on with it on the next page.

The Dance Begins

On a December day before Christmas Ute tells me that a mutual friend, one who already has three dogs, has spotted a stray dog and hopes somehow she (the friend) can find the resources to have the dog rescued. As I listen my mind put together reasons I should not be involved. My heart sympathizes with our friend and the dog but remains quietly tucked behind my mind’s rational presentations. Deep within, deep in my lower belly I feel stirrings, a familiar alert, an unformed call to action, a whisper of "The choice is already made."

A complex, intricate, shifting, ever changing dance begins. The people and music shift and change, some stepping in, some stepping out, partners changing, some dancing by themselves. The music is often slow and soft only to shift into strident tones and quick step beats.

Chery, the mutual friend, has found a rescue organization that will help. The rescue has found a sponsor to help cover costs while the dog is being fostered. Each day I hear from Ute, sometimes from Chery, what is happening. Everything is lining up, they just need someone to foster the dog. With a knowing that I am getting involved I ask about the dog, what kind, how big, how close has Chery been to the dog, and other questions. I have the feeling of being pulled out onto the dance floor. The stirrings in my lower belly shift from an alert to a "pay attention to your choices". My mind continues to provide reasons I should insistently remain in watch mode. My ego is surprisingly quiet.

As the reader you may be wondering why my mind would be in insist mode. What I haven’t shared is that I have fostered several dogs for a local rescue. Of greater concern to my mind is that both Ute and Chery know I have fostered dogs. My mind is also acutely aware that both Ute and Chery hope I will step onto the dance floor by agreeing to foster the stray. I admit that Chery’s description of the dog suffering through a cold, wet winter pulls at me.

Through the days I inch my way closer to the dance floor. Then one day the stirrings in my belly trigger my mind to ask, What is needed for this to work? What step should we take? My mind happily begins to examine, measure, contrast, and structure a plan. The people from rescues have tried several times to capture the stray. They have seen him but have not been close to him. Chery has made several trips and has left food with similar results. As Ute describes the events to me one evening on the phone from my belly I receive a sense, "It is time to visit the stray, to step onto the dance floor. I hear myself saying to Ute, I will go out and visit him. as my mind is busy placing the information into the framework it has created for the stray dog problem". Processing Ute’s pleasurable response keeps my mind and ego busy for almost a minute. Busy with planning my mind does not start raising objections until half an hour later as it plans the trip. My ego is uncertain as it reviews possible exposures vs rewards.

The next day with a description of the dog and where it has been seen I drive. Deep within there is a sense of contentment. My body sensations and emotions tell me I am calm and worried, afraid of what I am creating and yet pleased with the possibilities. My mind repeats, There is no real commitment yet, no need for more plans right now. Its cool. Just gathering information we will process later. Paying attention in the way I have been taught I sense a warmth in my lower belly, gentle energies circling, some flowing up to my heart to ease my worries. I know this is more than a simple visit, the currents of change are being stirred, new possibilities being shaped. With all of this my mind keeps busy being annoyed by the poor timing of the traffic lights. Quietly under it all I am worried, knowing I might be called upon to bear my essence to the stray, to experience it’s sorrow.

First Meeting

I turn off the main road, see the hedge along the bar parking lot and choose to turn in and park my car close to the hedge. My ego and mind worry about parking at a business I am not going to visit. I get out of the car and head to the right, planning to circle around the hedge and then turn left to slip between the hedge and the battery shop. As I make the second turn my body comes alive and time shifts into a slow, fluid state. My mind and ego quiet. One step, two steps, three steps, as I make the fourth step I slow, glancing along the hedge. A very slow fifth, then sixth step, then seventh, I notice him, the red of his fur, his head’s movement, his energy. He is laying down looking in my direction. Time slows again, my awareness slips into a place where physical, energetic, and deeper knowings play together.

In the long moments before my next step I know I will continue forward, my steps taking me in his direction but not directly towards him. A step, he watches, another step, he watches. The distance closes to 15 feet and he sits up, his uncertainty flowing to me. A moment and yet an eternity pass as I sense myself kneeling and then experience my body kneeling. As my knees meet the wet ground and the cold moisture of the grass soaking through my pants registers, my full attention shifts to the stray. I look in its direction, not at it. The dog seems puzzled. As I sense it’s wondering I lower a hip to the ground, greeted by the cold, wetness of the ground. The dog relaxes a bit, pauses, looks away from me, looks back, and lays back down.

As the stray’s elbows meet the ground I feel myself relax and take a breath. As the breath moves out of my body a warmth spreads in my lower belly and flows to my heart. The stray lays there looking in my direction while I only glance at it out of the corners of my eyes. I notice the cold wetness of the December ground. Each breath marks a little progress. Its head goes down, resting on its paws. I shift my body so I am facing it less directly. Time moves very slowly, a breath at a time, small movements marking times passage. Perhaps 20 seconds later I notice I am smiling, pleased that the stray has chosen to remain close. The dance of our energies begins, connecting, checking, noticing, disconnecting, withdrawing then floating back. I am holding my awareness gently, quietly within, allowing it to float out and drawing it back in when I sense his uncertainty growing.

Five, maybe six minutes later he raises his head, looks at me. As he gets up I sense "Too much, get away from him. The stray stands, then turns away, and slowly walks along the hedge, away from me. I watch and somehow know the best I can do is to remain quiet, to remain seated, accepting the stray’s decision to leave. Several times as he walks away he looks over his shoulder, checking to see if I am following, if he needs to move faster. As the distance increases I experience pleasure at having been so close and sorrow that he is leaving. My mind inserts, Well, that was a bust." and my ego worries that others from the rescue will find my efforts lacking. It all blends together.

As the stray moves out of sight, 100 feet away, I get up and walk out into the field, away from the hedge. Within two minutes I know it is time to leave. It is not my mind but a deeper sense that I can best translate as "Your done for now. Drive away but don’t let go." I do just that. As I walk to the car and then drive home a myriad of thoughts and feeling move within me. My mind busily crafts what I will share with Ute when I talk with her. In true masculine fashion my mind’s plan carefully expresses facts and only the vaguest hints of emotions. My ego frets that I will be judged as not having done enough. My emotions are a blend of satisfaction, sorrow, regret, and worry. Deep within there is calm and stirrings that extends into the future.

The Deal is Cast

I talk with Ute that evening. I describe what happened including very little about my feelings. She offers occasional encouragement as she listens. I also tell her what I am considering offering the rescue to help, what I will do and what I will require of them. Ute offers, "I understand why you want that but I don’t think they will go for it." Once my tale is finished Ute tells me I have to talk with Chery and the conversation moves on to how she and her dogs are doing.

I call Chery and share with her my visit. I am surprised when I hear an excited, "You got that close to him? He stayed close to you laying down for that long? He has never let me close to him." My ego does a little happy dance knowing that our efforts have brought positive responses.

I image you are wondering what my plan includes. I tell Chery that in addition to fostering the stray I am willing to feed the stray for a few weeks and to see if I can get the stray to come to me. Her expression of relief stops when I tell her there is a condition that needs to be agreed upon. I tell her, "I can’t have people spooking him. People in the rescue have to agree that they will not try to catch him unless I okay it. I don’t want any progress I make walked on. I will be the one going out every day." With reservation in her voice Chery agrees to talk with the others and let me know what is decided.

During my conversation with Chery I experience an almost constant pushing back and forth of my inner awareness, mind, ego, and my masculine instincts to make Chery happy. After hanging up the phone I take some time to sit quietly, to remember, to feel, to sense, what has just happened. Part of me hopes that Chery will call back with a doesn’t work for us. My mind is busy figuring out what the daily feedings will look like. From within a quiet inner space comes a knowing that my plan is already in effect.

When Chery calls back she says that the people from the rescue, Bobby and Fran, have agreed to my plan. She also let me know Bobby and Fran are planning on visiting the site that evening. She has given them my phone number so they can call me if they have a chance to catch the stray. As I hang up the phone I feel a familiar slightly sick feeling, my fears are not happy, I have just stepped into a several week process that is vague and that offers possibilities of conflict. Take a breath, feel my feet, relax my belly, another breath, open space in my body, ah, better.

That evening Bobby calls. The stray is in an enclosure. He is sure that he can sneak in undetected and catch the stray. I ask few questions about the setup. Feeling Bobby’s confidence and hearing how well he has it planned I say okay. As I hang up the phone I quiet, letting myself sense whether the stray might be in my home that evening. I sense a faint "maybe. That is enough for my mind to begin figuring, back bedroom, may be some damage, only a maybe on tonight, don’t waste effort planning yet." With that I settle into a nervous waiting, busying myself with reading.

The call comes about an hour and a half later. While Fran stayed at the enclosure entrance Bobby snuck in using training the military had provided during the Vietnam era. Bobby was undetected by the stray until the last moment when he made his move. The stray bolted keeping Bobby from getting a strong hold. The stray surprises both Fran and Bobby by heading to the locked chain link double gates. He charges it with full force, forcing the gates apart, forcing his way out. Bobby is calling while he and Fran wait to see if the stray returns. They have tied the bottom of the chain link gates and hope to have a second chance yet that night. They will call if they have any luck. The stray does not return.

Not long after Chery calls. We talk about the results and what is next. Chery has been feeding the stray when she could and offers to give me the box containing the supplies. I am pleased by her offer and happily arrange to pick up the box. As I sit quietly before going to bed I allow myself to notice the many, many energies and ideas busy trying to prepare me for what lays ahead. Things are stirring, things my mind and ego seem unable to know. Calm, worry, excitement all quietly dance within me.

A Bit of Groundwork

End of December

After picking up the box with feeding supplies I drive out to feed the stray. As I drive my attention moves to everyone referring to the stray with the masculine pronoun, he. The stray has been cautious, quiet, observing intently yet carefully, and withdrew when uncomfortable. As I quiet myself and sense the energies of different dogs I know and have known I wonder if the stray isn’t female. Beyond the reserved energies is an inner strength, an inner knowing. On our encounter the stray had not challenged me in any way. Rather than test me the stray seemed to carefully sense my intent by creating a gentle connection. My mind and ego will only accept that the stray might be female. My fears of being wrong caution me not to share my suspicions yet. Deep within I know she and I are destine to learn together.

Several days earlier Chery had placed a water bowl inside the enclosure where the stray sometimes sleeps. In addition to the gates there is a break in the chain link. My mind quickly let me know that I will be using the break in the fence to enter and replenish water in the water bowl. My mind, fears, and ego also decide that the best place to put the food bowl I have with me is next to the water bowl. As I walk to the break in the fence my fears and my desire to honor other people’s property stop me. I stand at the unofficial entrance, others have used it but… In the moments of indecision a delivery truck arrives and parks close to the gates. As the driver gets out he looks at me with questioning attention. I feel myself relax, an easy solution is presenting itself. I greet the driver and quickly tell him I am working with a rescue and plan to begin feeding the stray. "Good luck with that is coupled with a relaxing of his shoulders. My telling the driver I want to let the owner know what I plan is rewarded with a smile and He’ll be fine with it. He just wants to know what is going on." With that the driver heads into the spa shop.

As I stand watching the driver walk away my protocol sensitive father’s words play in my head, First things first. Okay, the owner or manager would be busy for a while. It seems a good time for me to walk the field, to see if the stray is anywhere around. When the delivery truck leaves I will talk with whoever is in the shop.

As I walk the large field I whistle an occasional single whistle, one note beginning low and raising in pitch and volume until I run out of breath. As I walk the field I see people in the apartment building across the field watching me. My mind, ego, and fears raise protests, I am in unfamiliar territory with no invitation, without permission. My masculine need to provide the service I have committed to overrides the protests of exposure which my mind prods me with at least once a minute. When I notice the delivery truck leaving, I gratefully head to the business.

As I enter the business I am pleased to notice no customers. The man there returns my greeting and looks at me expectantly. When I tell him I am with a rescue group and would like his okay to put a food bowl next to the water bowl in his enclosure and to feed the stray every day he responds with, "That will be fine. Whatever you can do to help him will be good. I manage the shop and just need to know what you are doing. Great! I will keep you informed. I then spend a couple minutes letting him know that I plan to feed the stray each day hoping to win the stray’s trust. The manager’s posture and tone when he says, He runs away every time I go out the back door into the enclosure. gives me the sense that he will watch my attempts with amusement and no expectation of success. I find myself responding easily with, I will feed the stray for at least four or five weeks. As long as I see progress I will keep feeding him."

The First Feeding

As I round the corner to the back of the business I scan the field for the stray and whistle, a single, long note starting low and raising in pitch. The whistle will become my signal to the stray that I am in the area, a distinctive sound that a dog can be easily hear blocks away.

The area behind the business includes the enclosure, pavement circling the building, and an old Quonset hut. A grass field of perhaps six acres extends beyond the pavement. Across the field, about 180 feet away, is a chain link fence that separates the field from several two story apartment buildings. The field extends to the left, behind the business next door. A tall hedge separate the field from a parking lot further left. On the right the field extends about two blocks, circling behind old apartments that look as though they had once been an inexpensive single story motel. Their appearance remind me of trips my family took in the mid 50s.

I have parked at the far left corner of the pavement, next to the field. I go to the passenger side of my car, open the rear door, and begin preparing the stray’s food, half a can of wet food and a couple of scoops of dry food. With the food mixed I walk the 60 feet back of the enclosure, as I walk my mind and ego worriedly chatter about encroaching on other people’s property. At the enclosure my masculine sense of honor remind me ‘You have a commitment to fulfill.’ and I step up through the break in the chain link fence. Worried and determined I circle to the right of the pool and deck, placing the food bowl just under the deck about half way back towards the business. As I step back from the deck and look out to scan the field I whistle and then hear myself saying, "Your food is here, girl." As I step out of the enclosure I smile with the pleasure of having allowed my inner awareness and masculine honor to shape my choices.

As I walk back to my car my mind and intuition play an all too familiar yeah, but game, my intuition giving my mind a sense of it’s knowing and my mind countering with it’s thoughts. Being limited to words here I have translated my intuition’s knowing into words that carry a sense of the understanding. "Yes, girl. Yeah, but Chery and the manager referred to him as he. Yes and, my sense in that she is female. Yeah but you can’t know that, you have only seen him once. Yes and ‘him’ does not match my sense of her. Yeah but he has too much fur to see whether he is male or female. Yes and sight will only verify my knowing. Yeah but others are referring to him as he and we don’t want to be wrong. Yes and that is group think, a projection. Yeah but we will look silly if we are wrong. Yes and we don’t have to say anything yet. Oh, quiet and safe is good."

Thankfully the act of getting into the car and starting it interrupt the ‘discussion’. As I turn the car on to leave within I sense stirrings, questions of what I have started. Happy to have the opening my mind chimes in with, What makes you think this will go anywhere? In a few weeks we will stop this silliness and waste of resources. "Yes and we have made a commitment. So help us make the best of it. The best of it would be to stop now and conserve resources. Yes and we are going to do it for at least four weeks. Okay, I will plan how to use the fewest resources and keep the looking silly to a minimum. Great! I know we are doing what we should, looking silly or not."

I imagine that about now some of you are wondering how I have avoided becoming a resident in a mental hospital. Others are wondering, Hey! You do it too? Others are simply uncomfortable. A few have all three going on in a hodgepodge of thoughts and feelings. As a side note I did grow up on the grounds of a mental hospital. (grin)

Calls & Coordination

That evening I talk with Ute reporting that there was little to report other than the manager at the shop being good with my feeding the stray within the enclosure. My comment of not seeing the stray and not being sure when I would see him brings a "You will just have to keep feeding him. from her. I countered with, I will feed him for four to six weeks and see. If I see progress I will consider continuing." I won’t bore you (or expose myself) with the additional back and forth.

During the conversation with Ute I consider saying something about the stray’s gender. My mind is quick to insert, "You said we would wait. We need more evidence." " Okay, we will wait to see what else shows up." "Good, we do need to maintain credibility." "Strange, credibility vs integrity" Part of Ute and I’s discussion involve my reiterating that my commitment is to bring the stray in and foster him until the rescue finds him a home. During the conversation I experience stirrings within my lower belly, intuition letting me know I am denying something I already know.

After talking with Ute I call Chery and update her. She expresses concern about the cold, rainy December weather the stray is living with. I offer that I hope things will progress quickly. We talk about my role as the one who would bring the stray in and then foster him until the rescue finds a home for him. The stirrings in my lower belly become stronger.

Next comes a call to Bobby from the rescue to let him know the feeding has begun. He shares how he usually just grabs dogs and that somehow they understand that he is giving them no choice. I say I plan a slower approach to winning trust, one that will probably take several weeks but that feels right to me. His response is that he hopes it will work leaves me hoping his trust will prove merited. Bobby tells me that he has already found a sponsor who will pay for food while I am feeding the stray and fostering him. The inner stirrings shift and become a sense of "foster and more. I am careful to not open and explore the and more".

After the calls my ego and mind team up to make sure I know my ego is feeling very exposed. People are trusting me in ways my ego cannot. My mind points out that there is no logical reason to think my method will work. To make things worse it points out the plan is incredibly vague. Feed the dog and see what happens. We need more details. Being alone in my home with few distractions I become quiet, open my awareness, ask What haven’t I seen? Is there something I should be aware of? Is the path I am on where I should be? What comes to me is a sense of peace flowing from deep within. Slowly my ego’s worry quiets and my mind accepts that it is time to plan and guide other parts of my life. There is a quiet knowing that I am being given a chance to open beyond limitations I have been accepting as necessary.

It is worth noting that at the time I begin feeding the stray I plan to be without dogs. I have a list of several countries I plan to visit, being gone a month at a time. Those plans and living alone make having a dog or dogs problematic. The simplest situation will be to remain dog free until my travels are completed.

The Routine

And so it begins. For the most part I drive the eleven miles to the Rockwood area in the early afternoon. I try to keep feeding time between 1 PM and 2 PM hoping the stray will begin showing up for feedings.

In the first two months seeing the stray seems to be a matter of whether the stray happens to be in the area or not. Either she is there when I arrive or she is not. From watching her I know that she has several other areas that she frequents. There are times when I have the sense she has been spooked by someone and left the area of the field for two or three days.

At first I call Bobby with regular reports. After a couple weeks the reports begin to be spaced out more and more. There simply is not much to report. At first the stray leaves the immediate area of the enclosure when I show up. She will move to the far left corner of the field, to a mound of dirt 150 feet away and disappear over the mound.

The second week of feeding against my ego’s wishes I nervously tell Ute that I feel the stray is female. Ute points out that everyone else seems to think the stray is male. An "I know. But my sense is that it is a she, not a he. brings a question of why I think that. My ego is not happy, See she thinks we are wrong. My mind with exasperation kicks in, Now I will have to give reasons I haven’t formulated yet. I offer to Ute, I am not sure. The way she moves. The way she connects with me. What else? I can’t really say. Saying he does not feel right, feels dishonest. Saying she is easy; feels right. Thankfully Ute pauses allowing herself to sense what I offer. Okay, have you told Chery. Not yet, when it is time I will. Chery will want to know. And she will. I will tell her when it feels right."

A couple of days later with more confidence I tell Chery. Chery excitedly asks if I have actually seen, had I been that close? My ego tells me Chery is disappointed when I say, "No, I haven’t been closer than the 15 feet when I first saw her. She just feels like a she. With Chery’s Oh, okay. my ego offers, See. She questions our sensing. and my mind offers, Now we have lost credibility. From deep within comes, We spoke truth. We experience her."

A few days later I head into the shop attached to the enclosure. I have a sense that it is time to update the store manager on what is going on. I tell the store manager what I am noticing, that little has changed but that I am hopeful. After his quiet thanks for keeping him updated I feel a push from inside and hear myself saying, "My sense is the stray is female. I haven’t seen one way or the other. I just feels like it is a she. Oh, everyone has been saying he. And you expect it is she? Yeah, movement, the way she responds. Just feels like the stray is female. It will be interesting if we ever find out for sure. Yes, it will. As I leave the store and walk back to my car my ego and mind keep offering comments questioning my choice. After a couple of We will see"s from within they quiet.

The Naming

The first two weeks of feeding the stray span New Years. The weather is often rainy and cold. As I drive out to the site I often hear an inner voice asking, Why are we doing this?. My mind and ego repeat that we have made a commitment with my mind often adding, It is just for four to six weeks. From deeper within comes an unstated knowing of, "or until with a sense of until what is planned occurs".

In those first few weeks I have a sense that my presence is unwelcome. People from the apartment complex across the field seem suspicious and uncertain. They will hear me whistling and see me wandering through the field. Even more suspicious is my driving up behind the business and parking my car where I have a full view of the apartments. More than once I notice curtains pulled back and then quickly closed. More than once my mind and ego urge me to simply driving away.

Almost every evening I talk with Ute. If I have anything of significance I will also call Chery. Major events merit a call to Bobby from the rescue. By the end of the third week the phone calls to report progress dwindle to very few. On a few days the stray is laying across the field about 120 feet away. At first she will simply get up and walk out of sight. Some days I will see the stray, some days I will not.

About the end of the third week there is a new behavior. When I arrive and the stray sees me she gets up and begins walking away. She goes go up the small incline 140 feet away glancing back just before disappearing.

Somewhere during the third week when I drive between the two shops and the field comes into view I see the stray’s red color out in the green field. The color contrast is striking, bringing a smile to me. She appears to be walking towards the enclosure. As my foot moves to the brake pedal she stops, raises her head, and seems to send her energy to scan ‘the intruder’. I am pleased that she does not immediately turn and run and at the same time disappoint that a moment after I stop the car she turns and heads towards the raise off to the left. She is heading towards her exit.

By the time I park and get out of the car her slow pace has taken her half way to the raise. As I get out I whistle and watch as she turns to look at me and then increases her speed. Her movements and her energy tell me she is determined to leave, to escape to freedom. As she walks further and further from me I hear myself saying, "Hey Beauty. You are certainly a beauty. Will you be my Beauty? Her glance back at me fills my body with warmth. As I stand there watching her leave my mind and ego seem to be tucked away, and seem to have not heard what I had just given voice. Finally my mind chimes in, She is beautiful." blocking out the noticing of deeper possibilities of meaning in what I have said.

In the next couple weeks when I catch a glance of the stray leaving I find myself repeating what I had first said. Unnoticed by my mind and ego inner whispers are being given voice. "You certainly are a beauty." My mind and ego are kept unaware that beauty is becoming part of my life, part of my growth. A long haired, reddish, chow chow mix, Beauty is beginning to allow her inner presence to show and to tease my inner knowing forth. At the time I do not understand.