Desperately Seeking Permission: A Novel Based on True Events

By Erin Moug

In Desperately Seeking Permission, author Erin Moug writes a vulnerably honest first novel. Based on a real life experience, she shares her story of a life that spirals out of control. It begins at the age of twenty-six; an adventurous six-month solo backpacking trip through Australia, New Zealand, and Fiji results in Erin falling head over heels in love with an Australian man.

Fast forward four years. Circumstances surrounding the relationship lead Erin to a darkness she has never known. At a deep soul level, she knows the path back to happiness but desperately seeks permission from outside sources, willing to suffer mentally and physically until it is granted.

Ultimately, this painful experience serves as her greatest gift, teaching her an invaluable lesson: the only permission you need to be true to yourself comes from you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jul 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504336918

Erin Moug

Erin Moug was born and raised in Detroit, Michigan. She has lived in Denver, Colorado, for ten years. Her passions include working with children with autism, playing with her Bernese mountain dog, Gunther, practicing yoga, spending time with friends and family, and living a healthy lifestyle.

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Copyright © 2015 Erin Moug.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3690-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3691-8 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 7/30/2015

Contents

Dedication

Introduction

Author’s Note

Prologue

PART - Permission to Be Free

Backpacking Fiji, Australia, and New Zealand

Fiji

Australia

New Zealand

Melbourne

PART - Permission to Fall in Love

Elephant at the Kitchen Table

Wilson’s Promontory National Park

The Mornington Peninsula

Restaurants, Movies, and Lots of Gelato!

Have Turkey Will Travel

December - A Taste Of Passion

Steel Doors on My Heart

PART - Permission to Fall Apart

A Chicago Style Welcome

Culture Shock

International Telephone Calls

Love Has No Boundaries

Something’s Gotta’ Give

Surprise

The Proposal

The Engagement

Fiancé Visa Fiasco

Visa Approved-Just Kidding

Late April - Gavin finally got the call!

A Lawyer, a Senator, and Bangkok

A Sign

Medical Leave of Absence

930 Days Later

I do. I do. We did? YOU ARE! Huh?

A Wedding to Remember

PART IV - The Effects Of Seeking Permission

Back To Reality

Thoughts That Haunted Me

Resentment and Lack of Compassion

Desperation and Suicidal Thoughts

Defensiveness

Chronic Insomnia

Weight Gain

Acting Out

Herniated Disc

PART - Seeking Permission from Anyone

Seeking Answers

Books

Story Resembling My Own

Psychics

Signs I Ignored

The Wedding Dress

Wedding Songs

The Two Straws That Broke Me

PART VI - Permission to Be Me

Letting Go

Aunt Dupe

Return to Michigan

The 911 Home

The Straw That Broke Me- Her Gift

A Constant Reminder

PART VII - Permission To Heal

Learning to Sleep Again

Mysore Ashtanga Yoga

One Year Later

Molly

Epilogue

Six Years Later

Resources

Your Permission Story

In Gratitude

Dedication

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This book is dedicated to whom I lovingly refer to as my A team! They are my deceased grandparents, Robert and Marion Moug, along with Audrey and Gary Culver. When they were alive they sat front row in all of my sporting events. They were my biggest cheerleaders. Regularly, twenty-dollar bills were slipped into my pocket with a whisper, Don’t tell your parents. There were many weekends where I preferred spending time with them to being with my friends.

Now that they have passed, I believe they are my spiritual cheerleaders. The only difference is their ability to guide me exceeds what they were capable of when they were alive. Throughout my writing process, I would meditate daily on my soft turquoise pillow in my bedroom, picturing my bald grandpas and gray haired grandmas in perfect detail. As in a speech bubble, I would see them floating above me with joyful radiating smiles. If there was anyone who wanted the best for me in this world, it was these four people. I would quiet my mind listening for their whispers of guidance for my relationships, my work, and the words to write a story that I was dying to tell. Sometimes their guidance would come in meditation, other times it came while walking my dog, or attending a spiritual conference, or listening to a sermon at church.

For instance, while attending a service at a church in Lakewood, Colorado I got to experience a very obvious sign that my grandparents were listening. The Mile Hi Church is a spiritual non-denominational community that I’m blessed to have in my backyard. World-renowned spiritual leaders frequent as guest speakers, such as Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, and Neale Donald Walsh. The message of this particular service was about being a successful failure by talking about all the excuses people give for why they cannot do something:

• I can’t go after my dreams - I don’t have the money

• I can’t get a divorce from a toxic marriage - I have kids and finances

• I can’t change my miserable career - I am too old

• I can’t write a book—I may say something that will upset someone

And the list went on!

The Reverend’s delivery was extremely sarcastic, and the audience was in stitches laughing because it was true! We could all relate to the excuses we gave for not taking a risk to achieve happiness. The Reverend mentioned how we use our images and roles as excuses not to reach for a dream. He went on to refer to his images, and the roles attached to him—one as a former architect and the other as he is currently known, Reverend Ras. Then as he continued to boom his message throughout the auditorium he announced:

But to my family, I’m simply known as Robert Allen!

My hair follicles sprung to life as tingles coursed through my body. This was my grandpa’s name, Robert Allan Moug, Sr. The one who I had been meditating my thoughts and feelings to on a nightly basis. I looked up and immediately thought.

All right, I get it. I get it. I’ll put my fears aside. I’ll write this book!

I like to imagine my grandparents in superhero costumes with capes, tights, and underoos—the whole get-up. I see their hands on their waists deflecting the fears that would attack me, like:

• Who do you think you are writing a book? You’re nobody special.

• People aren’t going to relate to your story.

• People will read your book and think you were a selfish asshole.

My grandparent’s words would quietly object, You have a story to tell. Tell it. We are here to protect you.

Grandparents, I know you are listening. This book is for you.

To my superheroes… My A-team!

With the Deepest of Love,

Your Granddaughter

Introduction

Seeking permission from others had always been a theme throughout my life. I was trapped in a struggle of doing what I thought I should do verses what my authentic self deeply desired. This theme stretched over many facets of my life – what sports should I play, what clubs should I join, who should I fall in love with, and even as simple as what opinion should I express. I cared deeply about what others thought, especially my parents. Pleasing them was always top on my list of must dos.

Time and time again, I resisted doing what I truly wanted and did what I believed was best for everyone else. I’d drag my resistant soul along until it couldn’t take it any longer. It was only a matter of time (after enough pain, struggle, and heartache) before I’d revert to what I originally yearned for. Unfortunately, many times the damage had already been done. For example, tens of thousands of dollars had already been spent on a pre-medical degree before I admitted that teaching had always been my passion.

Deep down, I believed that human beings must honor their truth and express it freely and honestly. But, I was not truly embracing this notion as I kept experiencing harder and harder lessons until it was like a loud freight train hollering in my ears.

The personal story I share with you in this book brought me to my knees. I found myself ruthlessly hiding my truth, trapped in a marriage of consequential proportions, with debilitating health problems, chronic insomnia, and thoughts of suicide. I wore a mask of everything is just fine. But in reality, I felt like I was in a pitch-dark room refusing to ask anyone to turn on a light. I didn’t want to reveal my secret. I had never felt more alone in my life. My motivation to take off my mask came from a sense of urgency. The path I was on was leading me straight into the ground.

This book is my gift to me, giving myself permission to accept that my journey unfolded perfectly, forcing me to learn the importance of being true to myself. My gift to the reader is that they find the strength to do the same.

In humble gratitude,

Erin

Author’s Note

To write this book, I relied upon personal memories from ten years ago. My perspective comes from my own lens. Individuals involved may have different interpretations. I portray my story in what I believe to be my truth of how I experienced it. Of course in typical Erin Moug style, I added a bit of colorful flare to enhance the lighter more joyful events throughout the book. I have changed the names of most individuals to protect their privacy.

Prologue

One hot July afternoon in 2009 at the age of thirty-two, I found myself sitting behind the wheel of my Jeep frantically driving back and forth across the Colorado Nebraska state line. In a frenzy of hysterics, I called my sister sobbing. Crocodile tears cascaded down my lap.

Four years prior, I never could have predicted that my romantic story of falling in love in Australia would turn into a nightmare, ultimately leading to this crisis I was having in my car. Finally, it was time to give the voices that haunted me night after night permission to be heard. Regardless of my terror of the consequences, the time had come to speak my soul’s truth out loud.

PART I

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Permission to Be Free

Backpacking Fiji, Australia, and New Zealand

On my parents’ bed in Farmington Hills, Michigan, I lay spread-eagle on my back, comfortably sunk into the pink paisley bedspread, looking up at the ceiling. I had just placed my flight itinerary to the Southern Hemisphere beside me, and the reality was beginning to set in.

Am I crazy to have booked this trip? Who do I think I am backpacking alone through Fiji, Australia, and New Zealand for six months by myself? What if something bad happens to me or people are rude to me? What if I get myself into an unsafe situation? I questioned nervously. My stomach turned with anxiety. It was definitely too late to turn back now.

The idea for this grandiose adventure came after a break up with a guy I had been dating when I lived in Vail, Colorado. I was working for a gardening company, planting flowers for the rich and famous. He worked for the U.S. Forest Service Department organizing hiking and horseback riding trails in the Rocky Mountains. He was very handsome and buff indeed. One night, he was supposed to come over for dinner, but instead got rip-roaring drunk while playing cards with his buddies. I did not hear from him for hours, while his dinner sat cold on the table.

When I eventually spoke to him, I didn’t hold back with what I thought. Not liking what he heard, he disappeared into the mountains, never to be heard from again. Back then at twenty-three years old I cared a lot. I cried and cried, then cried some more, not appreciating at the time that I had probably dodged a bullet. In the back of mind, his subtle comments stirred suspicion that he probably had a few other girls on the side. Ultimately, he was not a nice guy.

While we dated, I learned that he was a big traveler and had seen a lot of the world. We used to talk romantically about the idea of traveling together and this notion sucked me in. Due to his disappearance, I was very upset that this would never come to fruition for me. As with a lot of unpleasant situations in my life, being mad was a great motivator for me to do something great. I vowed that even though he had left me, I would still do some international travel—with or without him!

Until then, I quickly threw in my gardening trowel and decided it was time to stop playing around in Vail and make my contribution to the world. I moved back home to Michigan to get my teaching certificate. I attended night school full-time and worked for my dad for forty-hours a week as his secretary. Being in my early twenties, I had no social life and went from 360 days of sunshine to 360 days of overcast skies. On top of that, I was sleeping in my childhood bedroom again. Needless to say, I was depressed. What kept me going was looking forward to this amazing trip I had planned.

Now, after a long two and a half years of hard work and saving lots of money, plus putting myself through school, I was finally leaving tomorrow. Regardless of the slight anxiety for the unknown, I was very excited about the adventures that lay before me. While the main purpose for the trip was to complete my student teaching requirements, this really was a mere excuse to travel across three different countries, while soaking up as much cultural and natural wonders as possible. Excited to get my adventure in motion, I rolled off my parents’ bed, zipped up my suitcase, slid my backpack over my shoulders, and clunked my rolling suitcase down the steps.

Mom and dad! I’m ready to be taken to the airport! I yelled jumping into the backseat of their car.

Driving to the Detroit Airport, we didn’t say too much. I stared out the window thinking about how far away I was traveling. I was about to be flipped upside down on the globe, going from a United States summer to an Australian winter. Melbourne, Australia is fourteen hours ahead of Michigan. I would be leaving on June 22nd 2004, and even though I was traveling for one day, I would arrive on June 24th. I would be a time traveler!

My parents dropped me off at the airport and gave me a big hug. Their hug told me they were nervous to send me off, but it was large enough to say that they loved me. They knew this was something I had to do. We waved goodbye and the last words I heard were - Be Safe!

I turned my back on them for a journey that was about to change my life forever.

Instead of:

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