Black Out

By M.T. Shumaker

While helping a woman who has overcome many obstacles in life, I learned a lot about myself. I met a lifelong friend, discovered the true meaning of life, and discovered that everyone has a purpose. This woman, who spent years battling addiction and abuse and grieving the loss of loved ones, called me for help. Then she spent time in psychiatric hospitals only to be told she had a mental illness.

She wanted to share with me that with faith, anything is possible. I have worked very closely with her over the past few years. She has shared her private journals with me, as well as conversations she had with her therapist, and we learned a lot about one another.

Today she has realized that alcohol, poor choices, and not being true to herself prevented her from having a so-called normal life. She has developed true relationships with people she considers lifelong friends and would like them to know she loves and respects them deeply. To the people she has harmed in her drunkenness and addiction, she asks their forgiveness. We would both like the reader to know that this book was not written to cause harm or offend anyone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Apr 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9781524687762

M.T. Shumaker

Feeling like a stranger walking alone in an unkind world, M. T. Shumaker found comfort in grade school by writing in a diary. By age 14 she was receiving above 100 percent scores for Shakespearean essays. Soon classmates became aware of her skill and subsequently she was asked to write for them. The monetary offers were appreciated once she accepted. Greater than the payment was the joy felt by helping someone else. She admits to feeling a bit dismayed that their scores were always a few points higher. She got over it quickly knowing they were pleased. Writing became a habit and always produced a calming effect. Soon it became therapeutic. It was her escape from loneliness; she lived vicariously through her characters . Later in life she experienced an unexplainable force driving her to write a book. In spite of the lack of support in the beginning, she followed her heart. She never lost sight; always believing she had been gifted. Practicing daily, M.T. grew as a writer and, eventually accepted her talent. “Black Out” is the first of five in the series “What’s it all About? Or the first of the trilogy “You, Me &, Her”. Perhaps she will tell all in one little black book. (This will have to be written by someone else. Rusk just may have a bed waiting for me. Only God knows where this is going; I Just want peace, love and, happiness. God Bless!)

Book preview

© 2017 M.T. Shumaker. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 04/25/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5246-8777-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-8776-2 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Thank You

Foreword

Chapter 1 Our First meeting

Chapter 2 Our 2nd Meeting

Chapter 3 Relapsing

Chapter 4 Our 4th Meeting

Chapter 5 Our 5th Meeting:

Chapter 6 Our 6th meeting

Chapter 7 Our 7th Meeting

Chapter 8 A phone call and fax: Learning

Chapter 9 A phone call

Chapter 10 A Visit

Chapter 11 A Month of Transition

Chapter 12 Discoveries

Zeus’s Story

A Whisper Away

Chapter 13 A Knock at The Door…Enlightenment

NIV

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. [Biblica]

NKJV

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

NAS,

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

KJV

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

NLT

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Website

TLB

Scripture quotations marked TLB are taken from The Living Bible copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

In loving memory of my parents Jean & Fredrick

THANK YOU

Lucious Pearson I could not have gotten this far without you. I admire your strength and wisdom. Thank you for always pushing me to do better. I love you! Tricia, Adriana and Tyrique Whitney thank you for loving me and believing in me. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. I enjoy being a part of your family. Brenda Sample, Chanti and Ms. Pat thank you for allowing me to talk about this project and my dreams. Fort Bend Women’s Center staff and all of the beautiful women and children I met while editing and working on the cover thank you so much for your support. Zachary Shumaker, my nephew, who gave me encouragement to finish this book. Clerenda McGrady your book and seminar helped me to Push Thru. Gloria Benevides, thank you for taking care of me, my sister and, our children during our formative years. Sarah Ellis, Kyle Baker, Susan Goeble, Perla Lovos and Ernest Shepherd you all are great friends! Thank you for allowing me to talk about my dreams and supporting me through difficult times. Carie Anne Miller and Marcie Turrin thank you for showing me that a woman can be strong. I admire you both.

Those of you who worked with me and my crazy ways throughout the years I consider you all friends. Each day in Apartment Management can be an adventure. I loved the people; you all made it a joy to go to work. As for the politics, just like our government, I found it lacking moral values.

Finally I would like to thank everyone in group D. Greg Bullitt, Jim Quinn, Albert Medina, Wilson Brooks, Jo Ann Doty, Dale Parsons, and Jeremy Carnes we all had some pretty good times in spite of our circumstances. God bless you all.

For:

Anyone who has suffered due to addiction, abuse, grief, mental illness and my family

FOREWORD

While helping a woman who has overcome many obstacles in life I learned a lot about myself. I met a lifelong friend, discovered the true meaning of life and, everyone has a purpose. This woman who spent years battling addiction, abuse and, grieving the loss of loved ones called me for help. Then she spent time in psychiatric hospitals only to be told she had a mental illness.

She wanted to share with me that with Faith anything is possible. I have worked very closely with her over the past few years. She has shared her private journals with me, conversations she had with her therapist, and we learned a lot about one another.

Today she realizes that alcohol, poor choices and, not being true to herself prevented her from having a so called normal life. She has developed true relationships with people who she considers lifelong friends and would like them to know she loves and respects them deeply. To the people she has harmed in her drunkenness and addiction she asks their forgiveness. We would both like the reader to know this book was not written to cause harm or offend anyone.

(Journal Entry)

Now go, lead the people to the place I spoke of and my angel will go before you. (Exodus 32:34)

I was rudely awakened by a mere nightmare. I was living in hell, she said. Even so it allowed her to let you know that her heart, feelings, and soul were poured into the pages of her journals. I hope to only bring those far from the truth closer to God and know their self-worth. She wanted to share how he saved her, and will do the same for you. All you have to do is simply ask. Trust me, she said, God will do the rest. He allowed me to get to the gates of hell it seemed but spared me from complete destruction. This is how much he loves his children. He pulled me out of misery on several occasions; trust me, hell is not the place you want to go! I learned I was creating my own hell right here on Earth. I was harboring a lot of resentment. The lack of forgiveness was crushing my spirit and taking its toll on my soul (mind, will, and emotions)."

Today we are closer than ever. She and I both learned things about ourselves we couldn’t in our wildest dreams or imagination fathom. We have a special bond in which we believe will last for a lifetime. Read your bible, stay in constant communication, and see how quickly God will bring you to your knees, she said with confidence. He is powerful and almighty may he forever reign in your life. God put it in her heart years ago to help other people know that he is very forgiving. He loves us above any human love she told me. I suggested if he put this in her heart it couldn’t possibly be wrong.

CHAPTER 1

OUR FIRST MEETING

We finally met in my office early one evening. It was August 2010 in Houston Texas the days were unbearably hot. Stepping outside for just a moment caused a sweat frenzy which immediately drenched all of our clothing. The heat index caused temperature to read highs of up to 100 to 110 degrees. It was awful. Despite the summer heat, we all managed to make it to the coming of fall that was always something to look forward to. As she entered the accounting firm tall and gaunt, I assumed her profession was business. I didn’t think corporate because flip flops are simply not allowed. However, she was dressed in a black pin striped pant suit. Her hair was long and brunette with a hint of auburn. As we walked to my office I could sense she had a rough day so I offered her a seat, suggested she get comfortable and, introduced myself. I’m Sarah, I said with anticipation. I was wondering if you would make it tonight and I am glad you did. How was the traffic, was the building easy to find? The traffic was atrocious, as usual, she sighed but you gave very detailed directions. Thank you! At this point I still hadn’t learned her name it was important to her to remain anonymous. In an attempt to help her and tell her story though I felt it important to give her a name so for now I’ll call her Carolyn. I have been meeting people like her over the past few years. Being the granddaughter of a toltec healer I love talking with people about their spiritual beliefs. I love my work but, sitting in a cubical all day is frustrating and lonely. My passion is learning about different religions and their beliefs. My hobby gives me an opportunity to meet new people and hopefully while giving them financial advice give them encouragement to face difficulties in life through their higher power.

I was not too fond of counselors, Carolyn admitted. In 2001 I decided to seek counseling for all of life’s strife and what was going on in my head. During our first visit, my therapist suggested I get a note book and pen to record my thoughts and feelings each day as I was learning to become my mother’s caregiver. As I began to write I felt an indescribable comfort in which writing soon became an everyday routine. The people around me more than likely thought I was nuts and I don’t blame them because from their perspective I was behaving completely out of character. I had no idea what I was talking about so it really is no wonder why the people around me were not so receptive of my ideas or the things I was trying to say. Although asked several times I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I became angry and wondered, why would my counselor give me such a foolish assignment and why couldn’t I quit writing these things down? These questions I was hoping you could help me answer. Why do I struggle in keeping my thoughts to myself? Is it possible that I was born without a filter?"

Well here, she offered a journal, please tell me what you think. I’ve been feeling rather strange and the loneliness is killing me. I need to know if I am crazy or does all of this sound like some sort of enlightenment. Trust me Sarah I can handle the truth so please be brutally honest.

(Journal Entry)

I don’t really know where to begin but what I do know I will share. We all have choices in life and these choices will have a great impact on our future. I’ve spent years running from the truth never realizing it was all around me. To be honest, I was tired and at the end of my rope. I found myself in absolute desolation and a little voice in the depth of my being said this is it there is no turning back. I began reading the gospels and this is what was said; What I tell you in darkness you must speak in the light

(Matthew 10:27)

He asked me to give up all reasoning and to quit trying to figure it all out. You never will He said, just follow me I will be your source of strength then I read; Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

Well I have tried to quit analyzing everything and follow God’s word. There were times however I completely shut the door on him each time I had he would always pull me back. For me denying God is no longer an option. He has given me signs, shown me miracles, and given me gifts beyond my wildest imagination.

Why me, I’ve asked. What makes me so worthy of your love and forgiveness? He spoke to me I was with you and your mom. I was there for the nine months she carried you in her belly and I was there with the two of you during the nine months when I carried her home. At that moment I was already on my knees writing in an almost fetal position. I found myself begging for his forgiveness and crying in a manner in which I never had before. This was a feeling which I later realized came from my soul. I felt such shame and humiliation for being disobedient. I am sorry! I plead and will you give me another chance? I asked. Let me make a difference in the world. I got up from my knees took a long hard look in the mirror, brushed my teeth, washed my face and thought I will, I will follow you and this time I will get it right. I will try my very best to make a difference but first there will be a few things I’m going to have to change.

He assured me that I did not go through the pain and suffering of not only losing my mother but my father eight days prior to her death. Then nine months later I lost the most amazing person I’ve ever met. My life just kept unraveling no matter how hard I tried to keep it together. I called out to the only one I knew could help me. Just do as I say my child, I heard. Let me do the rest. I went through twelve years of what seemed like hell. I abused alcohol and drugs, spent time in mental hospitals, and made so many bad decisions. Never again I thought. I have learned that bitterness can and will destroy. I know firsthand how alcohol can cloud judgment. More importantly I have learned that by denying Christ I am denying my future in Heaven. I have seen God at work and I want to do his will. I desire his guidance. I feel peace when I talk to him. Today I know my Mother and Father have peace because they are actually with him. It has been so hard for me to let go and surrender my life to the care of God. If I can be of any help encouraging others I would love to be given the opportunity. First I was told I must learn then he said, You may decide to teach. Now this took me by surprise. In John chapter 12 scripture says: The darkness cannot hold you down. Carolyn said In the beginning of my reading the only scripture I really knew was in Hebrews. I must have written this scripture a thousand times but, each time I did it was as if I were hearing it for the first time. My therapist assured me that I was on the right track and urged me to continue seeing him. The journals were, at times, a complete mess. Rambling ideas from one thought to another. To look at them brings tears to my eyes but I noticed this one verse written over and over again. I was writing this repeatedly because it was the only verse I knew at the time and it truly was the only group of words that gave me comfort. For a nine month period I witnessed the strongest person I had ever known fight for her life. We went to so many radiation and chemotherapy treatments. We talked, we fought, and other days we just sat in silence. I remember thinking when is this going to end? My Mother’s illness and inevitable death was probably one of the hardest and most painful experiences of my life. I saw things and felt feelings that to date resurface in my dreams. Occasionally I smell the bittersweet scent of chemo and it is heartbreaking. If you’ve ever known anyone who had or has terminal cancer you know exactly what I’m talking about. My mother did not look sick until a few weeks after her treatments. The weight loss, then of course the loss of hair made me wonder what really was destroying her body. Was it the cancer or the medicine? I tried letting others know I was feeling but, I failed to say the right things. Looking back I wanted someone to tell me you’re doing the very best you can and you will be okay. I was angry, shocked, and in deep despair. Being a caregiver is a job that requires a lot of patience and strength both of which I lacked at the time. If only there was an instruction manual I thought. Why me? I asked. This is not fair! I shouted.

Today many years later I recognize the meaning of this scripture and appreciate its very essence. I truly believe it and recite it to myself if ever the need. I read it in Hebrews ch.13 vs. 5. In the bible it says God gives and he takes. I have a better understanding of what this means. He took my Parents but in return I received many blessings. As a child I often questioned my mother on the subject of Christianity and asked her if she believed in God. She had always avoided the topic and for years I doubted. When she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer the news caused a great deal of shock. From my point of view it was devastating but, I was given the gift of witnessing my mother accept Christ. She was baptized and attended church frequently. Her strength during those nine months came from a much higher source and in my mind there was no other explanation. Not once did I see my mother veer from her acceptance of Christ and, not once did she question where she was going. It appeared that she had accepted this journey of her life to get to her final destination. We were sitting in church one morning and she gently grabbed hold of my hand as tears were streaming down both of our faces she turned to me and softly said a mother is always supposed to go before her daughter. I felt as though I were dying right along with her. My Mother was very strong and courageous every step of the way and I admired her for always being positive. I’m quite certain I would not be as brave as she was.

My Father, who was in and out of my life called me more during those nine months than he ever had before. He offered herbal remedies that we could try and we talked a lot about life and death. We became very close and I treasure those conversations immensely. My Daddy was a non-believer. As a child I would ask him about God and mankind his theory was somebody sneezed from another planet and voila the Earth was created. I was so grateful to God for restoring our relationship and was able to share with my Father how awesome the power of God truly is. Although I didn’t know much at the time I did know my Mother had accepted Christ and for that I had a sense of peace knowing she would soon be with him.

Eight days before my Mother passed away I received the news about my Daddy. He suffered a massive heart attack and there was nothing the medical professionals could do. I again went into shock. I ran out of my Mother’s apartment screaming. I called my aunt who drove three hours late in the evening just to be with us. The next morning I had to go to San Antonio to make arrangements to have his body sent to Houston and meet with my Father’s business partner. I remember sitting across the desk from him we both had tears in our eyes and he, a man who I had never met until that day gave me a beautiful gift. He shared with me his friendship with my Father, told me about their business and shared with me something I’ll never forget. He said Carolyn, you know your Daddy has spent the last three months sitting in his office reading the Bible; Genesis I think? From that moment although I was heartbroken and completely shaken I knew my Daddy was with the Lord. What a great gift I was given Sarah. I was so excited yet completely lost in my mind", she admitted.

She went on to say that although she had much given to her she couldn’t get over all that was taken away. The loss of her parents so close together was devastating. Four months after their passing she experienced another break up with her boyfriend Tyrone who she loved dearly. Then five months later her new male friend was killed by a drunk driver. This turned out to be questionable after the many visits from a detective working the case. What he had to say definitely became a subject I intentionally avoided for years. Sarah, it remains a mystery but, I would really love to know the truth. Perhaps I would finally be able to accept James’ death.

According to the first responders who visited her office for questioning the week following his funeral, James walked out in front of a Dodge Ram truck. In an instant my heart sank. Losing someone to suicide is just not the same as losing someone to natural causes. The look on her face as the tears rolled down