Are We Just Friends?

By Juan Xavier Di Varo

Platonic friendships have been the topic of heavy discussion over the past decade, with more and more people turning to social media and friending those who are unknown to them, particularly the opposite sex. Many of us can think of a person whom we are friends with who is not of the same gender, and many more of us have become blind to the fact that there is usually always something more that hovers within this limbic space of platonic friendship. A lot of us do not understand the science behind our behavior, and we are uncertain as to why we have certain feelings toward others we consider just friends. There is an evolution at work, and many of our desires and nondesires come from these evolutionary traits that we carry as primates. Although many men and women would confirm that they have a friend who is from the opposite sex and the relationship is specifically platonic, do they truly believe this? Or is there something more between them on an emotional level? The majority of humans tend to shy away from the honesty buried beneath our subconscious in order to cache our true desires for the opposite sex. Are We Just Friends? gives a clear indication as to why we do what we do as human primates and provides a clear understanding as to the types of behavior we undertake when faced with the possibility of intimate thoughts toward those we would consider friends on a platonic level.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Jan 31, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503501966

Juan Xavier Di Varo

Juan Xavier Di Varo migrated from Europe to Australia in the late 1980s and developed a passion for human activity and behavior at the age of ten. He studied medical science at UTS and law at SCU and is continuing his education in post-graduate studies at the Australian College of Applied Psychology in cognitive science. Juan has also worked for major corporations both domestically and internationally in sales and marketing, finance, and science and engineering, in which he has grasped most of his life and educational experiences for this book. He has been a contributing columnist for various social-media magazines, as well as a columnist for several domestic newspapers. He is an editor for the controversial website Shadow Writers and is a regular public speaker. Juan has a great passion for human behavior and endeavors to unlock the doors to the conscious side of human activity in order to allow us to see who we really are as human beings and why we do the things we do.

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Copyright © 2015 by Juan Xavier Di Varo.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Rev. date: 01/23/2015

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CONTENTS

Preface

Chapter 1:    Nature vs Nurture

Chapter 2:    He said She said: Factual Evidence vs Hearsay

Chapter 3:    Fool me once, I’ll brand you. Fool me twice, I’ll love you.

Chapter 4:    Are All the Boxes Ticked?

Chapter 5:    Hypercriticism Is Okay for Me, but Not for You

Chapter 6:    Reverse Relationships

Chapter 7:    Picking and Choosing

Chapter 8:    All You Need Is Love, Love

Chapter 9:    You Won’t Ask, So Neither Will I

Chapter 10:    The F Word Effect

Chapter 11:    The Oxfam Incident

Chapter 12:    Why Does a Man Leave a Woman?

Chapter 13:    What Exactly Is on Offer ?

Chapter 14:    Evolutionary Psychology

Chapter 15:    So Can Men and Women Be Just Friends?

Chapter 16:    I Get the Final Word

Chapter 17:    The Rose and the Stereo

Afterword

I am not one to ever take face value, nor am I a person who is narrow-minded or ignorant in the statements that I make in life—well, not always. Although occasionally there are the odd moments when I rant repetitively to myself about issues that failed to be addressed by the basic skill of listening and the respect of attempting to understand someone when they communicate with another, I am simply after answers, and on many occasions I want to be proven wrong in the statements I make, but I also demand reasonable explanations and not just hearsay or babble gossip. For me, being proven wrong is certainly a sure way of learning and educating oneself on certain topics. It happens to all of us right through the course of our entire life. Mistakes are how we learn. The not knowing sparks the interest of anything in life, whether it be a movie we watch, a sport we play, a test result we await for, or the complete spontaneity of a person we kiss. The results of these deferments ultimately educate us in where we went wrong, if indeed we did, and gives us a path of how to revamp ourselves into making not so much the right choice the next time around but a better choice.

Throughout this book I will attempt to venture deep into the minds of both males and females, not just from the Western world but also from many different cultures, the pattern or trends that we all seem to follow but seemingly are blind to, and the harsh realistic consequences that a lot of us are faced with when it comes to relationships or a seemingly stable platonic ‘friendship’ that is doomed from the beginning.

This notion of ‘Can men and women truly be just friends?’ will undoubtedly spark many questions and negativity and revolt against some of the points made. Don’t worry because I’m ready for it. The only way to overcome this is to be extremely open-minded and realise that not everyone is the same in thought process, and facts are irrefutable. The process of how relationships are created, as well as the way we think as males and females in heterosexual relationships, have to be looked at in depth and evaluated correctly from both sides of testimonials, definitions, and science behind each story. The entire psychology behind people’s perception as to what is real based on their own thoughts and opinions as opposed to actual facts is one that will be constantly seen throughout this book, as well as possibly in the minds of a lot of its readers.

My aim is to simply attempt to gain thorough understanding of different thoughts and feelings towards personal intimate relationships and wonder through the process of elimination whilst doing so. It is very important that we as human primates, who live in a world of reason and emotion, move into the new evolving world with a full understanding of why we do what we do. Often at times we will not want to see ourselves evaluated in an evolutionary format; however, whether we like it or not, this is who we are. We think things for certain reasons, we act certain ways, we react to situations that are presented to us, we have many requirements, sex being one of them in order for us to survive, and there are certain things that we are evolved to adapt to, whether we like it or not.

At the end of the process of elimination, one can then determine where the subjects stand on views and evidence to find out or give a fair understanding if males and females can be friends and only friends in one habitat.

PREFACE

It’s Monday morning in this nice suburb of Hornsby in Sydney’s north shore shire. It’s autumn, and the leaves gently stroke off the tile roof of Max Van Haalst’s beautiful two-storey brick veneer cross oak-wood-built house. The sun hasn’t quite risen as of yet, and the sky still has its hanger doors open to let Australia catch its last glimpse of the beauty of the southern cross and its fellow cosmic comrades for the day.

Max is excited because it’s his girlfriend Rebecca’s twenty-fifth birthday today, and he has the day all planned right down to the wire.

The couple have been together for almost a year, and things are working out extraordinarily well for both of them. Max has pretended to Rebecca that he knows nothing about her birthday and has been avoiding all signs she has thrown at him over the past few weeks. Rebecca thinks that Max doesn’t know it’s her birthday; however, on the contrary, Max is about to give Rebecca the surprise of her life. Or is he?

Max continues to stare out his window, with a wry smile, waiting for his cue by Mother Nature to commence his strategic day. The sun eventually hits northern Sydney, Hornsby shire, the house at 112 Bannocks Road, and eventually Max’s face. With tremendous glee, Max jumps out of the bed and heads straight to the shower to prepare. He wants to get to Rebecca’s house before she wakes up, and the time is now ticking towards 7.00 a.m.

Max comes out of the shower, gets dressed, grooms, and glamorises himself before walking to his car. He slides his seat belt on and, with an urge, reaches down to the small compartment alongside the driver’s side door to grab a receipt with the amount of $1,695 printed on it.

Max works part time in a local grocery store and earns $15 per hour as a wage. He works on average about three to four days a week, and his average shift is five to six hours. He studies psychology at university and is in his final year. He lives with his parents at home; however, he does have to pay for small living expenses, such as his car loan, petrol, food, parking charges at the university, as well as textbooks. Max also sustains a comfortable below-average social lifestyle with friends and his girlfriend, Rebecca.

Max is on his way to Rebecca’s house. Rebecca’s mother opens the door and is in with the surprise plan. Max makes Rebecca breakfast and surprises her with a wake-up call and the smell of freshly cooked sausages and hot pancakes with maple syrup and strawberries. Rebecca is astonished and so excited by Max. ‘Happy birthday, sweetheart,’ says Max. Rebecca walks over to Max and squeezes him with love and joy.

Throughout the day, Max takes Rebecca to a local theme park for joy rides, a dinner cruise on the harbour, and finishes up with a late movie. But the biggest surprise of all was about to be unleashed.

Rebecca is a university graduate in arts, majoring in music, and has just been accepted into the Australian Institute of Music (AIM). She does and always has enjoyed pop music and R&B and plays it religiously in her car when driving with Max. Even though Max is very much into his hard rock and roll, he tolerates regular-than-usual playlists in Rebecca’s car.

Max takes Rebecca back to his house the night of her birthday. Thinking all of the surprises were over, Max requests Rebecca to enter his room and wait there for him. Thinking nothing out of the norm, Rebecca obeys and enters. She looks next to Max’s bed to find a huge wrapped box approximately one metre in height and seventy centimetres in width and depth. Her eyes glow. She turns and sees Max behind her. Max wishes her happy birthday once again. She runs to open the present. Like a cat trying to untangle a woollen ball, she eventually gets the wrapping off to claim her prize. With no hesitation and with extreme climax, Max awaits her response. Rebecca’s face is demoralized. As if she had been under the impression that she had won the national lotto and then went to check her ticket and found that it was only a two-dollar win. Max had felt that he just packed a punch in the gut from a WWF wrestler and then a follow-up uppercut by Mike Tyson. What dramatic saga awaits this cute couple?

CHAPTER 1

Nature vs Nurture

Upbringing: the rearing and training received during childhood.

Lina is a 20-year-old female from Canton Province, China. Her parents moved to Reno, Nevada, United States, when she was 7 years old and continue to reside there until this day. In her upbringing, her parents were extremely strict. They restricted her on many things that she did. Her entire lifestyle was based upon what was and was not approved by her parents, particularly her father. Her father would issue her with daily lectures in what he would deem as a life lesson, much like any father to his daughter. The daughter is, in cliché, the offspring that requires the most protection and, in more traditional terms, is dealt the joker card in the pack, with the deliberation of weakness and lack of knowledge and reason, who needs to be guided every step through life. This was Lina’s father. Her mother, who also held many traditional values in the household, would always have one eye on her daughter and the other eye on the general public in their Chinese community, which was almost entirely image focused. From a child through to adolescence, Lina was to dress and act a certain way, particularly around friends of the family and in this ethnic community in order to make positive impressions towards her family. Her mother would also have her enrolled in Sunday school, which teaches Chinese traditional values as well as reading and writing in the Chinese language. Her father demanded nothing but 100 per cent in academia, and anything less would be considered an ultimate failure. Her communication with the outside Western world was almost non-existent. She was forbidden to make friends with Caucasians and was always told that no matter what the outcome or the circumstances, there could never be a Caucasian that could understand or respect the Chinese way of life and the Chinese culture. Lina was to be carved and copied as per the norm for Chinese girls in the Chinese community. She was made to play and take regular lessons in piano, as were all children of her parent’s friends. For the parents, it was a case of ‘Whoever’s children can reach a certain level, our children must be equal or better in order for us to maintain a positive image in the community’. By the time Lina reached high school, her parents’ grip was loosened in the thought that they had assumed that she had been fixed and moulded in a way that could never be unturned. Little did they know that, through primary school, Lina was indeed influenced by many Caucasian children, not only to make contact and learn about their lives and their way of doing things, but they had also convinced Lina not to tell her parents about her encounters. She was well aware of the Western environment, and by the time she had reached middle high school, she had evolved in her cognitive process to make decisions for herself as to what was right and wrong and what the free world wanted in liberty and freedom. Nothing like the life she was raised in by her parents.

Because of her parents’ traditional ways, they were left so far in the past ways of thinking that they were not up to speed on the English language or the Western way of life, even though they lived in a predominantly Western, English-speaking country. They refused to mix with the Western community or make contact with anyone or anything outside their ethnic community. As Lina was growing up, the family rarely travelled around America, and when they did, they never interacted with anyone else apart from other Chinese. This had made them amaurosis to modern-day technology, including social media, where Lina would spend most of her adolescent time through high school. By the time Lina had graduated from high school, she had already slept with multiple males, possibly in a revolt against her parent’s strictness and harsh attitude towards the West. She dropped out of college and moved out of home whilst her parents were away, never to return. She moved to Los Angeles and became involved in the pornographic industry. She started taking drugs and developing differentiated opinions about men. She never trusted a man who came into her life, as she saw them as either users and players or completely dictating and demanding. The lack of physical, loving affection from her parents stayed with her throughout her life. Although she was quite intelligent, she lacked that nurture from her parents to stabilise herself in life. Being an only child also did not help the situation, as she literally had no one to talk to or relate to whilst growing up. Her only sovereignty was in her peers at school, who just happened to turn out as mostly negative influences. Lina continues to reside in Los Angeles today, taking on amateur pornography roles, as well as some amateur, small acting roles in TV shows and low-budget indie films. Once, a life that seemed perfectly planned turn into the rebellious opposite role based on the nature and nurture of her life, particularly her upbringing.

The Facts and Theories

To explore the mind of a person, one must take a look at the nature and nurture of this person throughout their life. After years of studying psychology, viewing countless case studies, I found that the one main factor of understanding who a person is or why a person does a particular action or even why this person reacts in a particular way (reaction) is their upbringing through nature and nurture, When talking about nature and nurture in a person’s life, we are talking specifically about what they were exposed to throughout their upbringing up to their current age. This view on nature vs nurture is not limited to any particular age but rather needs to be looked at in a respectable manner, as we are directing this view on nature and nurture towards personal relationships and, in many ways, the quest for intimate relationships and the effects it has on each and every one of us in the past, present, and future ventures.

John Pinel’s book Biopsychology discusses some facts and studies done in nature and nurture or, rather, nature vs nurture. The best way to research the topic is to understand the upbringing or life of a set of human twins. As the twins grow with each other, they are similar in physicality and some mentality; however, they also differ, just as two strangers would differ from each other. It is not possible to quantify either the genetic or experiential components which produce behaviour. When studying the development of two individuals, it is feasible to assume that genetics play more a substantial role in their development than experience if the subjects are chosen for their genetic similarities. However, when the subjects are unrelated, the contributions of genetics cannot be considered.

The nature/nurture debate has been a topic of interest among psychiatrists. However, it can safely be said, choosing one side or the other, such a debate is an erroneous way to arrive at any valid conclusion about a person, persons, and their respective behaviours. Individual development is always the result of the interaction of nature and nurture.

I have always wondered why the girlfriend in my life, at whatever time period in the past it has been, has always wanted me to do certain things, spend my birthdays with her and her only, take her out on Saturday nights and spend all day Sunday with her, tell her everything about my life, secrets I have kept from others close to me, tell her everything about my past relationships with other women, even if there were some memorable moments that I would just like to keep for myself. Because no matter how some of these moments are explained in words, words simply will not be able to describe these moments completely and be understood by another person whom I am explaining it to.

At present I am in my thirties. It is uncanny for me to understand as to why someone whom I have only known for a few years can possibly know me better than someone who has known me and grown up with me for the last twenty-seven years. I say ‘twenty-seven years’ because this is the time I have been living in Australia, and I consider my life had commenced on that very day I arrived in this amazing country which I call home. Male friends whom I met when I was 7 years old have grown up with me throughout my childhood and adolescence and continue to accompany me from time to time in the present day. These two or three individuals have been with me whilst I was still wetting the bed. They know the types of food I like and the food I don’t like. They know how passionate I am about certain music, sports, and martial arts. They know my parents and how my parents act to certain things. They have bickered with my siblings and have slept in the same bed as me a-many a-time over. They have been with me when I was beaten up in fights and also whilst I had won the odd brawl. We were together when we got our first Nintendo gaming system, streaked naked through the girls’ change room at the youth centre, stole our first chocolate bar from the local market, read our first pornographic magazine together in our backyard tent, built our first tree house together. They were with me whilst I had broken my leg, sprained my wrist, and threw up the first time I got drunk. They were there when I came running out in delight when I passed my driver’s test; they were sitting next to me in detention at school. They were standing next to me when we were all graduating from high school and university. We joined the military together and went through training together; we served overseas in war zones together; and we watched one another’s backs and continue to do so to this very day. They will be at my wedding if and when I decide to marry. And I have no doubt that eventually we will be playing lawn bowls and sipping lemon-flavoured water on the front of our verandas when we are retired. This is all the result of the nature, the environment that I had grown up in. There is no person that can come into my life and take precedence over this experience. So I do beg the question as to the before mentioned whys. Why should a person whom I am in a relationship with have the main say as to how I spend my time and with whom I spend it with? Why should