I Am Not Silent: Our Zoloft and Depression Story

By Gail Schmidkunz

It took a family tragedy of immeasurable proportions to bring author Gail Schmidkunz face-to-face with one thing he realized he had neglected to teach his childrenwhat to do if you are detained by the police. This left his son, Zach, unprepared for the horrible ordeal that awaited him while dealing with the side effects of abruptly ceasing a drug used for treating depression. It was an event that would change their lives forever.

The Schmidkunzes, a Christian, middle-class family, were immensely proud of their son, Zach, as he headed off to college. Zach had always been an easygoing young man who had never displayed an outburst of anger. When his grades began to plummet during his freshman year, Zach returned home to begin a different path. But, as his father details, it was not long before Zachs personality changed. He became reclusive, withdrawn, and suicidal; he was eventually prescribed Zoloft, an antidepressant that everyone trusted to be safe. It is only when Zachs parents discovered a body behind their couch and no sign of Zach that they realized they were in the midst of a nightmare instigated by side effects of the very drug they thought would help their son.

I Am Not Silent shares the true story of one familys faith-filled, life-changing journey through depression and the subsequent after-effects of a prescription antidepressant that sheds much-needed light on the frightening issue of drug-induced insanity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Inspiring Voices
• Release date: Jul 9, 2012
• ISBN: 9781462401833

Gail Schmidkunz

GAIL SCHMIDKUNZ earned a bachelor of science degree in social and behavioral science and a master’s degree in mathematics. He is a middle school mathematics teacher and award-winning football, wrestling, and track coach. Gail has been married to his high school sweetheart, Rhonda, for thirty-eight years. They have two children.

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Copyright © 2012 by Gail Schmidkunz.

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ISBN: 978-1-4624-0184-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4624-0183-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012941249

Inspiring Voices rev. date: 07/02/2012

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Epilogue

This book is a true story. Facts and quotations are written to the best of my recollection.

—Gail L. Schmidkunz

Acknowledgments

The process of writing a book to tell a story starts with an idea. Without support, encouragement, and editorial advice, an idea remains only an idea destined, with the passing of time, to be dismissed as folly.

I give credit to my wife, Rhonda, and my daughter, Kati, for the writing of this book. They were the advocates who inspired this author to undertake the challenge of telling our story to the world.

I also thank my mom and dad, who by their example instilled the work ethic necessary to complete this story. And most of all, I recognize my son, Zach, who in spite of his situation has taught me by his paragon how to stay the course and finish.

Luke Graner designed the book cover. Thanks Luke for a job well done. One picture is worth a thousand words.

Last, but not least, thanks and appreciation to Steve Graner for helping to edit this book and for never doubting for a moment who my son really is.

Introduction

How many parents reflect upon the way they raised or are raising their children? Parents emphasize and teach the rules, values, and morals that shape their children. Still one might ask, Have I covered all the basics while educating my children about the ways of the world? Will they be okay without me when temptation presents itself or danger lurks, ready to ravage?

As a dad, I was reasonably confident that I had covered it all with my two children, Kati and Zach. We had many discussions about God, smoking, alcohol, drugs, and sex. Certainly I had done my best to teach my children how to cope with all the tribulations of society today.

However, my parenting plan contained one flaw, an omission that I naively overlooked. It took a family tragedy of immeasurable proportions to bring me face to face with the one thing that I forgot to teach my children: what to do if you are detained by the police. In this case, my oversight did not prepare my son Zach for the horrible ordeal that awaited him.

Prologue

The western sky was a dark orange as daylight surrendered to darkness. It was Monday, November 17, 2003. I had just turned south onto Fourteenth Street where we live. It was nearly 5:20 p.m., and it was very odd for Zach’s car not to be in front of the house. Upon entering, I issued my usual, How was your day, dear? But this time I included, Where’s Zach?

Rhonda was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on supper. I don’t know! Zach’s not home. I don’t know where he is, and he left no note.

There was no answer when Rhonda tried his cell phone. This was not like Zach at all. It was weird; but it was really weird when Rhonda pointed out a woman’s purse on the island countertop. What in the world was going on? No Zach, a woman’s purse, and no clue to where Zach was. Rhonda had the table set for dinner, but I moved my plate, arranging practice tests for Zach’s next math test. He needed to do well on that test and all remaining tests to finish the semester with a decent grade. I intended to work with Zach after supper on the practice tests.

There is a pair of woman’s shoes next to our shoes! Rhonda suddenly observed. It was understandable that we had missed them. They were next to where all three of us placed our shoes, so an extra pair was not out of the ordinary and could be easily overlooked. Still, the situation was nearing The Twilight Zone proportions. I had a very bad feeling; call it a premonition.

Rhonda quickly went downstairs to Zach’s room. She yelled, Gail, there is a gun on the bed! I was on my feet in an instant and at the top of the stairs. About the same time, Rhonda turned to look into the family room and screamed.

Rhonda, what’s wrong?

There… there’s… there’s a body behind the couch!

Chapter 1

Snow whisked off the Ford Taurus as it pulled away from the Amtrak train station in Grand Forks, North Dakota. It was after 8:00 a.m. that snowy February morning in 2003. Zach, my son, had just finished brushing snow from the windows of his car and was beginning the short drive back to his warm dorm room at the University of North Dakota.

Standing in the entryway of the Empire Builder car, I thought aloud, I am so proud of that boy. He is going to UND… wow! Zach has higher ambitions than I ever dreamed of—I had had no interest in attending a large university.

Yet I wondered what Zach would be doing with his life and where he would be in three more years. Would he have a career like his older sister Kati, who was an English teacher at Princeton High School in Princeton, Minnesota, or would he change his plans and earn a degree from a trade school as our son-in-law, Tracy, had done? We had just spent a long weekend visiting Zach and Kati and Tracy. Amtrak was our ride home.

The Amtrak station in Minneapolis was less than an hour from Elk River, Minnesota, where Kati and Tracy had an apartment. We had a wonderful time at the Mall of America and the other malls in the area. Kati took us completely by surprise when she met us at the train station. We had not known that Kati had taken a personal day to spend some time with her family and husband.

The taillights of the Taurus were far away now, getting dim. Funny how the memories of the day Zach was born some nineteen years earlier were like the car lights, seemingly so far away. Was it really nineteen years ago that my boy was just a newborn? Unlike the car lights, the memories of Zach’s childhood were bright and filled with happiness.

During Zach’s preschool years, we lived in Bismarck. I was a junior high mathematics teacher, driver’s ed instructor, and the coach of football, wrestling, and track at Simle Junior High School. Rhonda sacrificed a professional career to be a stay-at-home mom and daycare provider. Zach had a great time playing with the daycare kids. They were all about the same age and all teachers’ kids; so when there was no school, we were free to do things as a family.

Both sets of grandparents spent a lot of time with our kids. There was a powerful bond of love between our children and their grandparents, and they all remember many fun, meaningful occasions spent together. My dad was a hunter, and Kati and Zach loved to hunt with Grandpa Schmidy. He was so patient with them, and Grandma Ione always sent them out with fresh cookies or some other treat. Grandpa Schmidy also had horses, and the kids loved to be around their four-legged friends. Kati actually became a very competent rider. Zach, however, was a bit too young to be part of the horse-riding fun.

Grandpa Rueben and Grandma MarJean had a cabin at Lake Isabel. Kati and Zach cherished every moment at the cabin, whether it was spent skiing, swimming, tubing, or boating. The lake was one of their favorite places.

Both sets of grandparents were pranksters, so there was never a dull moment when the families got together. My younger brother, Scott, his wife, Linnett, and their children, Tyler and Courtney, were also fun-loving tricksters. Each member of our immediate and extended families made very positive, unique influences on Kati and Zach and who they became.

The August before Zach entered first grade, we moved to Minot. During those years, Zach was involved in all of the normal activities a boy his age would do: Cub Scouts, T-ball, baseball, and football. Zach was well liked, and he was welcomed in all of his friend’s homes. It was during these years that it became clear that Zach was going to be a very easygoing, nonaggressive person. Never had Zach been provoked enough to lose his temper or display an outburst of anger.

Zach continued to grow both personally and academically throughout his middle school and high school years. Zach was not a fireball when it came to his schoolwork. He had average to above-average ability, yet his mother and I had to keep a close eye on his progress. At Erik Ramstad Middle School, football and wrestling were Zach’s favorite sports, and he did start and finish the swimming season his eighth-grade year. During that year, I had the privilege to coach Zach in football and wrestling. Both teams were undefeated city champs. As a coach, it was satisfying to know your teams and athletes had achieved so much, but coaching your own son with such awesome teams… how neat was that?

Because I taught mathematics in the same school, I had the special privilege of having Zach in my seventh grade advanced mathematics class. Other students called me Mr. Schmidkunz; Zach called me Dad. Feeling a bit mischievous, he worked this situation for all it was worth. So, Dad, the test is tomorrow? he’d ask in front of the entire class. Bringing home a copy tonight for me to look at as usual? We had a great time watching the facial expressions of the others in class. Some did not know if we were serious or not. Zach enjoyed that year in my class, but his greatest fear would be that I would transfer and follow him to grades nine through twelve and be his teacher in high school.

The senior high years brought about a change in the circle of friends for Zach. Many of the buds from middle school were no longer in the picture. Zach was still well liked, but his list of close friends narrowed. Actually, Zach had more girls as close friends than guys. A summer Bible camp introduced Zach to Mallory and Maggi from a small town southwest of Minot. They were two of his closest friends throughout high school. There were other girls who were good friends, and some of these girls went to homecoming and prom with Zach. By this time, Zach stood nearly six feet tall and weighed two hundred fifty pounds; yet, these girls appreciated Zach for who he was: a kind, caring gentle giant.

Football and wrestling continued to be part of Zach’s sports experience. In the off seasons, Zach participated in a sports acceleration program and lifted weights with the plan to become faster and stronger. In his senior year, Zach was bigger, 265 pounds, and stronger; he could bench press 260 pounds. Still, even with these athletic tools to work with, Zach did not see much game time because he was not aggressive. In wrestling, unassertiveness influenced the outcome of many matches his senior year. Numerous matches that were close could have been won if Zach had been more of a scrappy sort of wrestler. He would get frustrated when losing these close matches, yet his mother and I made it clear that we were happy with the outcome, no matter what, as long as he worked at doing his best during the match. After a bit of time passed, the bitter taste of defeat would be forgotten, and Zach would be down on the mats between duals or matches wrestling with little kids, brothers of teammates who were as young as three years of age. These little wrestler wannabe’s loved to wrestle with Zach, the big teddy bear. He was a kid magnet. Little kids were completely at ease rolling around on the mats pinning a heavyweight wrestler. Is it any wonder at all that during the summer of 2003, Zach’s nickname as a counselor at Shepherd’s Hill Bible Camp was Yogi?

Graduation from Minot High School sent Zach on his way to attend college at UND, leaving his mother and me to cope with empty nest syndrome. The train on this February morning of 2003 departed the station, leaving a distance of about 220 miles separating us from our boy, but we knew that the distance would not break the bonds that held our kinship together.

Zach was close to his mother and tried, unknown to us, to enter Mother’s Day writing contests. Grade two was the first try. Market Place Foods sponsored a contest to pick the best mom to celebrate Mother’s Day. All one had to do was send a letter telling why they thought their mom was the best mom. If your letter was the winner, your mom would receive a free limousine ride and dinner out, compliments of Market Place Foods. After the contest Zach shared with us how excited he was a about entering the contest. He so wanted his letter to be selected. He so wanted his mom to have dinner out and to ride in a limo. Zach was so excited about his plan that he secretly shared it with his best friend Leif. Leif was unaware of the contest until Zach explained the details. With great anticipation and care, Zach wrote and submitted his letter:

MarketPlaceEssay.jpg

Zach’s letter was not a winner. Leif’s letter was the winning letter. Zach was very disappointed; however, he was thrilled that the winning letter was Leif’s. This was another lesson from the school of hard knocks that life is not always fair, particularly since Leif would not have even known about the contest if Zach had not told him about it.

In May 2002, Zach tried again to have his mom selected as a Mother’s Day winner. This letter was entered in the KXMC-TV contest:

KXMCTVLetter.jpg

Zach’s second try was golden! Rhonda was selected as one of the best moms by KXMC-TV based upon his letter listing the many qualities that made Rhonda a very special mom. The TV audience viewed a digital picture of Zach and his mother during one of Tom Schrader’s weather broadcasts. Rhonda received many fine prizes, but she considered the letter itself the best prize of all.

Zach also thought a great deal about his dad. We did everything together. He was my shadow. We were like Batman and Robin. Students often found it quite humorous to watch us walk side by side. They said we even walked alike!

The morning of my fiftieth birthday found me staring in disbelief at my pickup, which had been decorated in black balloons and black streamers. I could only think that Zach, the little rascal who was supposed to be at the university in Grand Forks, had put his friends up to this. When I arrived at my classroom, it too was decorated in black, and the entire staff had a very special day celebrating my fiftieth birthday at my expense. It was great! About 9:00 a.m., there was a shadow in my doorway. Upon investigating, I was thrilled to see it was Zach bringing me donuts. It was he who had tipped off the staff regarding my special birthday, and it was he and a couple friends who had decorated the pickup. Zach spent the night at a friend’s house. I was touched by what Zach did, coming back to Minot to make my birthday special.

The Schmidkunz family is close. We like to be with each other. We like to have fun together. Never was there any complaining about having to spend time cramped into a car traveling to far away places like Yellowstone National Park or the Black Hills of South Dakota or Minneapolis.

Kati and Zach are five years apart. They were very close growing up and did not have the normal brother-sister spats. As they both got older, they became very protective of each other. I can remember only one time when their relationship became strained. Zach took Kati’s diary to second grade show-and-tell and read to his classmates the everyday hopes, dreams, and secrets of an eighth-grade sister. It was no wonder Kati was a bit upset with her younger brother. Of course Rhonda and I intervened in what we now call the diary incident, and peace was made between little brother and big sister.

Perhaps the diary incident was payback for the time Zach, then age five, had a stain on his shirt, wiped it up with his finger, and asked, What’s this? Kati suggested he give the yuk on his finger the sniff test to confirm whether it was bird poop or not. As Zach raised his finger to his nose, Kati pushed Zach’s elbow, and into his mouth the finger went. We’re pretty sure it was indeed bird poop!

Back at my seat on the train, I settled in for the last leg of our rail ride to Minot. Rhonda was trying to sleep, and I continued to reflect upon how blessed I was to have such a wonderful family. Life was good, very good. Rhonda and I had successful careers, we were all healthy, and we had great kids, including our son-in-law Tracy who was like a second son. Faintly, I heard the not-so-long-ago laughter of Kati, Zach, and Tracy as they frolicked in the snow, wrestling and having a backyard snowball fight. I was a very lucky man but not conceited enough to believe all of this happiness was the result of what I had done by myself. On the contrary, I gave full credit to God for blessing me and my family with a wonderful life.

God is at the core of our existence. Our family seldom missed a church service, and all of us were active in the church in some way. We have always served in our church, and back in the Bismarck days, Rhonda and I sponsored a Fellowship of Christian Athletes huddle at Simle. Kati and Zach were very familiar with how the power of the Lord would and could change lives in a very good way. Throughout their middle school and senior high years, Kati and Zach were involved in their church youth groups. This was an opportunity to know the Lord as young people. It was an opportunity to learn about their Lord, grow in their faith, and have fun doing so.

During Zach’s junior year, the Augustana Lutheran Church senior high youth group sold calendars as a fundraiser. The youth were dressed in costumes to represent each month of the year. The congregation was to guess which month each youth represented. Zach was dressed like a turkey, so it was a no-brainer as to what month Zach celebrated! He was a turkey on crutches. Zach was recovering from a serious toe surgery. The second joint of his right large toe was fused. He had developed turf toe from an injury sustained in football. His costume was hilarious! A yellow paper beak was taped to his face, and bright yellow, jersey gloves were on his feet to give that turkey look. It was a comical sight: a big 260-pound turkey with bright yellow feet with toes waving a small sign that said Eat beef. I chuckle to myself every time I remember how corny yet effective Zach was in this role as a turkey.

The train was traveling more quickly now. Darkness and the movement of the car was making me sleepy. Still, my thoughts slipped back to the many evening walks Rhonda and I had when the topic of conversation often focused upon how good God had been to us.

Our life was good but not perfect. We had concern for Zach and his grades at UND. His first semester had been a struggle. Still, we were confident that Zach would get to work and finish the year strongly. Almost asleep, I remembered an evening walk and Rhonda’s wise intuition as she reminded both of us, "God has been very good to us. We have been so blessed. Is this the way the rest of our life will be, or will there be a test of