Unlocking a Spiritual Love Within

By Rain Basia

This is a little story of a seven-year journey of faith with the Great I
Am, acknowledging only Him to present you to your real bashert and
what it is to be called upon to achieve greater consciousness. You learn how
to become an understanding and a loving mate, what it is to truly comfort
the one whom you really love. This is what its like when you faithfully
wait and let Gods love rule your life. This is what unconditional devotion
looks like. This is a leap of faith for me. Witness a love that can unlock
racism, segregation, prejudice, etc.
This is who Jesus Christ has called me to be. I am a freedom fighter for
equality of life. This is my mission. He has suffered our pain, and He has
chosen me to pick up my cross for Him in making our world a better place.
Teaching the human race, that God loves all mankind; so we may be seen,
as brothers and sisters, and welcomed as equals, just as Ive pleaded for in
2007. For Dr. Martin Luther Kings, Jr.s Dream; for the Lion of Judea, Jesus
Christs prayer of salvation and love for us all as believers, exclusively as His
children to be unified as one!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 23, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503571600

Book preview

Copyright © 2015 by Rain Basia.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 06/22/2015

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Contents

Unlocking a Spiritual Love Within

Preface

Introduction

Chapter One: Calvary: Laying My Sins at the Cross

Chapter Two: Unlocking the Power of God’s Love

Chapter Three: Spiritual Journey:: a New Creature in Christ

Chapter Four: The Journey of Blind Faith I Took with God

Chapter Five: Faith Is the Key

Chapter Six: We Learned How to Unlock a Spiritual Love Within

Chapter Seven: Our Time Has Come for Us All To Spiritually Awaken

Chapter Eight: Change Is Here!

Chapter Nine: Faith Is Like a Grain of Mustard Seed

Chapter Ten: Recognizing Things Needed to Change for God’s Trinity, My Man, and Humanity

Chapter Eleven: He Told Me To Make My Mark

Chapter Twelve: The Road River of Dreams

Chapter Thirteen: A Glance into My Divine Destiny

Chapter Fourteen: Leaving It in God’s Hands

Chapter Fifteen: Allowing God to Lead

Chapter Sixteen: Learning How to Heal

Chapter Seventeen: Ready for True Love

Chapter Eighteen: Being Released from the First Man

Chapter Nineteen: Asking God Did I Do Things Right on Ending My Marriage

Chapter Twenty: Becoming the Change for Him

Chapter Twenty-One: Becoming One with His Love

Chapter Twenty-Two: I Feel His Pain

Chapter Twenty-Three: Divine Connection

Chapter Twenty-Four: What makes a woman Do This?

Chapter Twenty-Five: Powerful and Transforming Prayer for Change

Chapter Twenty-Six: Prayer for Releasing the Strong Spiritual holds over All Our Children

Chapter Twenty-Seven: God Opens the Door to the School of My Dreams

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Made that Boy Straight

Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Power of True Love

Chapter Thirty: Becoming His Understanding Wife

Chapter Thirty-One: The First Time I Felt His Fire and Desire

Chapter Thirty-Two: My Sweet Friend Willow

Chapter Thirty-Three: True Love Always Finds a Way

Chapter Thirty-Four: Spiritual Whippings

Chapter Thirty-Five: Tribulations Build Are Character

Chapter Thirty-Six: Understanding of Five Biblical Books of Moses

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Freedoms of My Mind

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Messengers from God

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Our Garden Is Our Eden to Be with God

Chapter Forty: Meeting of Our Minds

Chapter Forty-One: Chastity Means to Let Love Rule You

Chapter Forty-Two: Biblical Woman

Chapter Forty-Three: I Think I’ll Write My Man a Love Story

Chapter Forty-Four: Love Story Dedicated to My Husband

Chapter Forty-Five: At the Right Time

Chapter Forty-Six: Completion

Chapter Forty-Seven: A Seven-Year Journey of Faith with God to Find My Real Bashert

Chapter Forty-Eight: Her Love Is Actions on Fire

Chapter Forty-Nine: I Am a Simple Woman Called into Celibacy

Chapter Fifty: When God Pays us Back for the Wrong That Has Been Done to Us

Chapter Fifty-One: The Big Picture

Chapter Fifty-Two: His Love Is Like …

Chapter Fifty-Three: My Seven Years, His Seven Years: A Journey with God

Chapter Fifty-Four: Everything Has a Time and Place under Heaven

Chapter Fifty-Five: The Greatest Love Story of Them All

Chapter Fifty-Six: God Is Revolutionizing this World

Chapter Fifty-Seven: Finding Peace

Chapter Fifty-Eight: Soul-Searching Within

Chapter Fifty-Nine: A New Journey of Love God Called Me Into

Chapter Sixty: To My Spiritual Husband

Chapter Sixty-One: Does This Make You Understand How Special You Are to God?

Chapter Sixty-Two: I Am a Freedom Fighter for the Equality of Life

Chapter Sixty-Three: Martin Luther’s Prayer for the Liberation of Minds from Ignorance of Hate

Chapter Sixty-Four: Hangover from His Love

Chapter Sixty-Five: The First Night with My Husband

Chapter Sixty-Six: Truth of Fornication

Chapter Sixty-Seven: On My Way to You

Chapter Sixty-Eight: I’m More Than What Meets The Eyes!

Chapter Sixty-Nine: When God’s dealing with you

Chapter Seventy: Learning of a God Wink

Biography

Unlocking a Spiritual Love Within

I n loving memory of Pastor Sparrow. I appreciate that he is in the company of Almighty God. I was fortunate enough to have had Reverend Sparrow as my evangelist teacher during the last three years of his life. He was my mentor for a season and he was able to give me the seeds to comprehend what it was the Good Lord had called me to do so long ago. Acknowledging what the Trinity of God has revealed to me; He completed Reverend Sparrow’s work here on earth, so God called him home. How thankful I am to God for choosing Pastor Sparrow to be the one to give me the necessary keys to complete my own calling.

I feel so blessed for God allowing Pastor Sparrow to be able to read over the first six chapters of my manuscript. When his last words were to me were of how blessed from it, knowing that I was to have this intimate journey with God. When most people fear Him and His power, all I did was simply embrace our Creator! This gave me conformation of what my first pastor told me about my calling with the exact same words regarding having this connection to God! Reverend Sparrow told me he felt that not only would my book would be an answer to someone’s prayers; but so many others will also be blessed with a healing that we all need and how predestined and honored he felt to have been chosen to be my teacher to help me fulfill this divine calling.

This memory plays over and over again inside my mind. The last class I had with him, he said he would no longer put any thought into how God delicately and intricately designed a woman until after he read what God was doing through me, and then he went on to say when God made the first woman, Eve, for Adam, He really took extra time to design her as impeccably perfect so that no one could ever come between her and Adam; that is no one can ever take Eve from Adam or Adam from Eve. He designed them both exquisitely perfect for each other in order to bring them healing. There was so much love inside their garden before sin entered into their world.

Pastor Sparrow said he now had a greater understanding of God’s bigger plan for us and how blessed he was to be able to obtain an exclusive look at this plan before it was revealed to the world. He said he always knew there was a Love Revolution coming and that now that it was about to begin, how honored he was that God brought it to his door. Then he went on telling the class that God put a dream into his heart for his church, for all of us to have now, and it took him ten years to see his dream come to pass. He turned and looked at me and said, you’re in your tenth year now. Then he looked at the class and said when God puts a dream inside your heart and it feels like it takes forever to come true, continue to have faith that it will come to pass. Then he told the class how in the beginning so many people tried to prevent his dream from coming together for his church. The ones that tried to fight him on the dream are now all dead from natural causes. There is only one person alive today that came back to apologize for trying to stop his dream. Pastor Sparrow said he felt God had vindicated him for trying to prevent his dream of the Church’s location.

In the tenth year his dream came to life. He told his class, no matter what happens, know that though it may seem like it never will happen, when its God’s appointed time, it will all come together. No principality or anyone can stop it from happening. He can testify to that and he told the class not to give up, but to keep the faith and it will come to pass because God put that dream inside of your heart for a reason.

He went on to tell the class how he almost died in 2009 when the surgeons had his heart outside of his body. He said, Beloved, we spend so much time keeping our loved ones out of Heaven and we should really be praying them into Heaven. If someone is sick and dying, make sure they have Jesus and then let them go to be at peace. He continued to tell us God gave him more time here on earth to finish his mission because it wasn’t finished yet. At that moment he didn’t know what exactly it was, but as long as he was here and had air in his lungs, he would keep working for God’s Kingdom, while preparing his church to one day go on without their beloved pastor. I told Pastor Sparrow I was ever so grateful that God didn’t take him in 2009 because if God had, I would have never gotten the chance to have met him or be taught by him. He’d given me keys to understanding the calling of my own mission. Our meeting was a chance meeting because my friend and sister in Christ, Lady P, told me about him. She invited me to become an evangelist in August, 2009 with his church.

He has taught me so much. He read over my manuscript and knew exactly what I was talking about, and then he turned around and looked at me, and said, You’re here, as he looked up to the ceiling, talking to God and giving Him praise, saying that he thought he never would have gotten a chance to teach it. It’s then that the Holy Spirit explained the prayer that Pastor Sparrow talked to God about. God’s Spirit said to me your pastor was talking about how he felt you were never in his class long enough for him to teach you; he felt God wanted him to teach you a greater understanding of our Creator’s Love! But through his study guides; you were able to learn what it was Pastor Sparrow felt you needed to learn in understanding God’s ultimate plan for mankind. Now God was calling His well-done faithful servant home. God told him his work here is completed and it was now time for him to come home and dwell with the Most High!

Our Pastor’s face looked like a young child at Christmas time; with such joy and excitement at the thought of coming toward the end of his life, knowing he did everything our Heavenly Father had asked of him. His work was finished and it was time for him to be with our Lord and Savior. What a great feeling and honor! I felt while Pastor Sparrow was witnessing to the class about his life. I know when my time is at hand and my mission is finished and it’s time to be with our Lord, that I will have that same understanding. When we truly let God’s love rule our life by delighting ourselves in Him, all is made known and understood by His children!

I looked over at our pastor. He had stopped praying and told the class his work here was done and his mission is completed—it is finished.

Here on earth, he was not afraid to die because he knew his family was in good hands. God is going to keep them safe. Then Pastor Sparrow started telling us about his family and the love he had for them, how much he loved his wife and how he will miss her and their sons. He told the class that Mrs. Sparrow is the great love of his life, how blessed he was when God gave him a true helper. He knew that his wife was a gift from God because they had a spiritual connection, true love. God said that when a man finds a wife, he has found a good thing. He told our class that once when he went on a trip to marry his son and how proud he felt and of the honor and joy it brought him to be able to perform his son’s marriage. He also told us of the time he spent with his little granddaughter with such joy in his eyes.

He said to me that God has gifted me with such marvelous gifts that he couldn’t wait to see what healing this book would bring us as well as those who so desperately needed it. He knew his church would flourish without him. He had been trying for the past three years to prepare his evangelist classes to be able to carry on without him while also preparing them for spiritual warfare. He knew his church was ready to go on without him because his partners within the church would willingly step in to take his place and everything he has been waiting for was ready for his upcoming departure. He told the class that I was finally here, that he’s been waiting for me, and everyone starting with Ms. Roxie along with so many others that I can’t begin to write their names, would be able to continue to flourish as a result of what God started in his dream so along ago. Our pastor told the class I was finally here and each person here, including himself, will want to support me and my upcoming book. It’s going to affect each and every one of us. What an honor for me to be at their church in my God-given mission. He also mentioned to the class that we will see the Love Revolution he has been preparing us for during these last three years!

He told us it is coming! He said to God that he was tired and ready to come home and wanted so much to be with our Heavenly Father. Pastor Sparrow taught his evangelists to pray these words in unity:

We humbly go before God, in the name of Jesus Christ, to lift this book, our hurting brothers, and sisters who need this calling. To God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, the eternal Godhead, I am leaving it all up to You, Father God, how my book and journey touches people’s hearts and souls, and where You take it from here. These are my thanks, for You are truly teaching and leading me in everything I’ve become, showing me Your unconditional love that reigns from above. In Jesus’ Holy name let the veil that has been placed from the time of Moses be removed from the eyes of everyone that they may see that You are the true Alpha and Omega through the eyes of my blinding faith. Amen.

I would also like to acknowledge my spiritual husband; the man who has spiritually cried out to me on so many nights in desperation of his dreams and fears. Until we meet my love, these gifts God has given me in becoming your understanding wife was all for only you! Just so you will know when God does answer prayers; He works behind the scenes. This is what it looks like just in case you may have questioned it a time or two. I’ve been out here for only you all this time my dearest love, God really does answer prayers and real love is actions on fire! Only with God are all things made possible.

I also want to send my love and thanks to my dear mama, even though she was for a season, Nicolet. She’s my hero on blind faith. She’s the only one I know that has such undeterred faith. I want to thank her for instilling in me ever since I was a young child, what it is to have blind faith so that when God calls, I am to just go, never questioning. It has stayed with me into my adulthood. So when God called, I did what I was told to do: self-surrender and go for whatever reason. Mama always believed in me and was there whenever I needed her. When I was ready to give up, her love and faith kept me strong and made me hold on.

I want to send my love and dedicate my gifts from heaven to Skylar and Reign Basia.

I want to thank my papa for being there for me for a season, even when he didn’t want to be there. I never did this journey to hurt him, and I hope he can see that. He helped make me a stronger woman today because of who he is. His hate is the reason why I have this black and white cross today and why I am paying for other people’s mistakes that I never made. Just like Jesus Christ came here for all of us to be saved, He came here to save us all from all our sins He never made! We are called as Children of the Most High and the only living God to pick up our cross for our Messiah! To learn of Him and His ways! Until His Kingdom comes and His will be done!

I have so much love and respect for our Lord and Savior. He’s our living example.

I deeply want thank my publishing team, Ms. Roxie and Rev Dr. Sy Willis, my little Skylar. I couldn’t have done this book without them. May God bless all of the angels that were sent to make this a dream come true for me. My dream is for the entire world to see and believe through the eyes of my blinding faith. Now look, Mama, I have a book to touch and reach the world, just like my prayers in 2005, so we all can wake up and be saved and reborn before it is too late. My friend from the food pantry, Joshua, and his pastor helped me see how God can forgive me for my horrible sins and truly why Jesus Christ came here to save us all! I’ve seen it with real actions of God’s very word put to the test!

Pastor Hope was my first Baptist pastor. He was there in my darkest times to let me know this was God’s calling and will for me. He also believed in me when no one was there for me. I am so glad God sent him to me. He helped me see this is a spiritual journey God has called me to; I was so honored for him to also be able to read my first six chapters of this manuscript. He was the one who baptized me and watched me grow up. He will always have a place inside my heart no matter where life takes me, even though he was my friend for a season.

I want to Acknowledge Rev. Malachi Sparrow and his beautiful wife Mrs. July Sparrow. He was my second Baptist pastor who came into my life while I was in my seventh year of my journey of blind faith with God. He taught me about evangelism and a greater understanding of the depth of God’s love and desires about His Master Plan of unity, love and peace for all of us as believers; bringing me deeper into the depth of understanding my mission for a higher calling of consciousness! I am so honored to have had all of these wonderful people touch my life along this journey and they all will forever have a place inside of my heart.

I hope you enjoy my book and march with me in trying to save humanity by bringing God’s and Dr. Martin Luther King’s dream to life; by revealing Jesus Christ to the world, so He may be glorified in our Heavenly Father to end hate for all of our brothers and sisters of injustice; so we can all have unity with our Father God through His only Son, Jesus Christ, because He is the only way that we can no longer be blinded to the real truth and confess and repent that Jesus Christ came here to save us all. He is the Lord of all lords and King of all kings forever and ever, for all eternity. Amen! So we may be blessed as all of God’s children to enter into our Promised Land!

Walt Disney’s Princess Pocahontas helped inspire my creative process of my book thank you!

I am closing with this scripture of Jesus talking. I find this to be inspiring in confirmations.

Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

—John 14:6, KJV

Roxie Roker (from television’s The Jeffersons ties symbolically into my story more than once. She shared a birthday with the same day Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his epic speech on August 28, 1963 from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on the National Mall during the March on Washington DC. So to pay homage to her for being a brave young woman during this difficult time period, I decided to use her name and the names of her TV and real-life husband. I do so with a sincere desire to honor the legacy she gave us by passing the symbolic torch to me and showing us that true love is color blind!

Preface

An insert from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s speech

I have a Dream

The Spiritual message was hidden inside of his speech from us all; until now when the veil was called to be removed, for our spiritual awaking and renewing of conscious, in the upward call of Christ Jesus Amen.

I have a dream; until now the veil is removed!

Delivered August 28, 1963 from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on the National Mall during the March on Washington DC

N ineteen sixty-three is not an end but a beginning. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together and this will be the day and when this happens, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, Free at last, free at last. God Almighty, we are free at last.

The voice of one crying in the wilderness: Prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God." (Isaiah 40:4)

Every valley shall be exalted and every mountain and hill brought low; the crooked places shall be made straight and the rough places smooth." (Luke 3:5)

*****The glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken."****

Introduction

T his is a little story of a seven-year journey of faith with the Great I Am, acknowledging only Him to present you to your real bashert and what it is to be called upon to achieve greater consciousness. You learn how to become an understanding and a loving mate, what it is to truly comfort the one whom you really love. This is what it’s like when you faithfully wait and let God’s love rule your life. This is what unconditional devotion looks like. This is a leap of faith for me. Witness a love that can unlock racism, segregation, prejudice, etc.

This is who Jesus Christ has called me to be. I am a freedom fighter for equality of life. This is my mission. He has suffered our pain, and He has chosen me to pick up my cross for Him in making our world a better place. Teaching the human race, that God loves all mankind; so we may be seen, as brothers and sisters, and welcomed as equals, just as I’ve pleaded for in 2007. For Dr. Martin Luther King’s, Jr.’s Dream; for the Lion of Judea, Jesus Christ’s prayer of salvation and love for us all as believers, exclusively as His children to be unified as one!

I am truly sorry for all of the pain and hurt of our past, my brothers and sisters for completeness of us all on this planet, I pray for you to have liberations from your grief and anguish, through my assignment of a higher awareness!

I pray for my spiritual husband and our brothers and sisters who ‘have been discriminated against solely for their color of their skin and anything else? that they would obtain freedoms from strife and one love; to comprehend what entails to not getting infuriated, to keep peace and love inside your heart and only accepting the Redeemer to come in and freely vindicating you! As Jesus Christ and many of our heroes from this freedom civil right movements were these kinds of examples to us all. My personal heroes are a vast multitudes so many that were never named, but God knows each and every one of their names for these saints are written inside of His heart forever more!

Aunt Libby, God felt your pain when our family turned on you; He has justified you and all of us altogether at Calvary and through me, so I may become a powerful and effective witness to His Kingdom! Libby, the Father loves you, He loves all of us, we are one family and it is time to start acting like it!

He sent His only Son for our pardon. It is time for this world to wake up and see this. It’s time to terminate the hate and release a spiritual love deep within all of us to love deeper than ever before. It’s a Godly love. Come; behold the mystery of love and what it truly means to leave it all up to the Alpha and Omega. This book is based on true events in my life’s journey. The names of the people involved have been changed to protect their identities.

Welcome to the Love Revolution. I’ve been taught to one day impart to all of you an advanced calling and a realization that we are all one with our brothers and sisters. It is time to wake up and see this truth. It is time to end our animosity towards each other.

I found this inspiring scripture regarding the area of on spiritual blindness and I wanted to share it with you all so you may understand the meaning of spiritual sight.

2 Corinthians 4:4, King James Version (KJV)⁴ In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them. (2 Corinthians 4:4, King James Version (KJV))

I found this statement regarding the word bashert at families.com. on a website I found the text below searching off Bing : http://www.families.com/blog/what-is-a-bashert

What is a bashert?

We’ve all heard the expression (or the cliché) a second half. In Jewish life, this expression is taken quite seriously, since no one is considered to be a complete entity, and every person has a potential spouse who will fulfill their identity. Even before a child is born, HaShem has already made his or her match, and, when the time is right, he or she will go in search of his bashert or intended spouse. A bashert may be on the other side of the world or live next door, and Divine Providence will lead every person to find his or her bashert.

HaShem means God.

At the website http://www.jewfaq.org/marriage.htm in a section titled Judaism 101 it discusses the details of a Jewish wedding as follows:

Bashert: Soul Mates

According to the Talmud, Rav Yehuda taught that forty days before a male child is conceived, a voice from heaven announces whose daughter he is going to marry, literally a match made in heaven! In Yiddish, this perfect match is called bashert, a word meaning fate or destiny. Although the first marriage is bashert, it is still possible to have a good and happy marriage with a second spouse. The Talmud teaches that G-d also arranges second marriages, and a man’s second wife is chosen according to his merits.

On a personal note, I would like to add that I only I could be my future husband’s bashert. No other woman but me could ever be this to him. What God has told me is that my man will believe he has found his soul mate inside another woman; but God is allowing him to believe in that way; so the one who prayed to Jehovah- jireh about me will know my worth and the gifts God is giving to him inside of me only!

CHAPTER ONE

Calvary: Laying My Sins at the Cross

Confession of my sins:

I want to tell you of the mistakes made in my past that I made long before being called to this journey of faith with God, so you will know I’m a sinner saved only by His good grace. My purpose is not to glorify my sin, but instead to let you know that I never claimed to be perfect, just a humble sinner who was saved only by God’s good grace and washed in the blood of the Lamb through His baptism. Now, through His stripes I am made whole. You too can be forgiven for all your sins. This is why Jesus came into this world and died on the cross for all of our transgressions. He never came to condemn us, but rather to save us through the power of His death, burial, and resurrection so we can witness how Jesus Christ has overcame death and the evil of this world.

The gift of God is free. This is the prayer of redemption, but you may pray in any way you feel led; there are not set words you have to say. I became an evangelist with Pastor Sparrow’s class in the summer of 2009, in August, after being baptized. This is the prayer our church and evangelist team uses when we witness to our lost brothers and sisters:

Dear God,

Be merciful to me, a sinner. I am sorry for my sins, and I now trust Jesus Christ to save me. I now take Him as my Lord and Savior. I ask for eternal life that He paid for with His own blood. I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

I asked Jesus to come into my heart, to cleanse me of all my sins, and forgive me. I then went on to ask God to make me the woman He wanted me to become. Two years later, I was called to my journey of faith by God. This is my testament to you.

The events you will read are not in order because this is intimate between God and me. These are my sins before this journey.

Wanting to be a personal trainer I went to this gym to apply for a job. A tall guy named Dan with dirty blond hair and very stone-cold green eyes interviewed me. His smile was slightly turned upward as he was chewing on a toothpick, talking out of the corner of his mouth. He was fit and looked to be in his mid-forties, trying to hold on to his youth. His leathery skin and graying hair said time had taken a toll on his once good looks. It seemed apparent he was losing the war with aging. Although I could tell he was a decent-looking man, upon opening his mouth to talk to me, a mean, cold, bitter man who looked down on women and treated them as sex objects took him over.

I was in my early twenties and in a lot of ways still a little girl in mind and heart. Dan told me I was too hot to be a trainer, and that I should be an exotic dancer instead, since I would make more money than doing that than I ever would by being a personal trainer. At this time, I was a very carnal girl with no value or self-worth. This caused me to feel dancing would be all I could ever be good at. Encouraged by Dan’s comments, I decided to a be dancer, however I never went through with it because I felt my body was inadequate due to the abuse my papa and Morrie, my husband at the time, had put me through. Anyhow, I revealed my body to Dan so I could prove to myself I could do this. I was so ashamed of what I did.

I grew up hearing my papa telling me I was never going to be good enough for a man and would never make a man happy. He would tell me I was stupid and ugly. He went on to say and do many mean things to me and my brother Jack. To tell the truth, I was never a happy child. At a very young age, my papa verbally and physically abused me and my brother. Jack received the brunt of the abuse. Praise God I have no memory sexual abuse but with new light shed on what he did to my youngest child it makes me question how much abuse was involved.

Because of growing up in this lifestyle, happy childhood memories are rare. Looking back, I think the reason he took things out on us was because of his drug abuse and alcoholic ways when he was younger. Because of this he was not ready to be a father.

He continued his verbal abuse into my adulthood. The sad part is that he denies physical abuse occurred, but there are police reports to prove what I’m saying was true. May God show him who he really is. Truth always comes to light. He is also verbally abusive to my mama. But I don’t hate him or wish any ill will on him. I pray he finds redemption.

Later in my journey, my relationship with my papa improved some. I prayed, asking God to reveal to my papa that I never began this journey with the intention of hurting him, or anyone else for that matter. At the end of 2012, God revealed to my papa in a very humbling way that I was here to free my man and our people to teach him and the world that God loves all of His creation. We are all one family through the blood of Noah, one blood.

When I was eighteen years old, I committed fornication for the first time with Morrie, who would go on to become my husband. Morrie had long blond hair and blue eyes along with a golden tan from countless hours spent in the sun surfing. Morrie was ripped and muscular, standing at six feet two inches. I was attracted to this man and wanted him to be my first because he reminded me of an ex I wasn’t over yet. I didn’t know Morrie yet and thought he could steal my innocence. I didn’t care. I could use him and then move on.

I had such low self-esteem during this time. Morrie and I became pregnant for the first time; but we lost our baby due to me having a negative blood type. The doctor told me in the future I would have to take a special shot during pregnancy to prevent loss the loss of the baby. Like most teenagers, I experimented with drugs and alcohol, and skipped school. I am far from perfect, but now I am walking closer with God and want to confess my sins to the world, so they may know all I am was nothing more than a humble sinner; saved only by His true grace alone!

My friend Laura came over to spend the night at my town house in Jewels street with her little boy Troy. Laura has a long oval face, big brown eyes, and a button nose. She was very pale with long dark brown hair, and has always been thinner than me in her girlish figure. I am the curvy one, and this made Laura feel self-conscious of her body.

The next day, I overheard my husband talking to Laura before he left to go to work that morning.

Morrie told Laura he had never noticed until now how pretty she was. She laughed and thanked him. He told her he wanted to sleep with her and asked if she wanted to sleep with him.

She said, Look at your wife. Are sure you want to do this? Laura had always been self-conscious of her weight and like me, had low self-esteem. He suggested that she should ask me if she could spend another night, then they would make up some excuse to get away. Laura said she would, then asked if she could spend another night again.

I was lying in our bed upstairs. I was sad, thinking here I just had my first baby with Morrie, and how could he do this to me in our own home with my best friend? I should have expected him to do me this way because this wasn’t the first time he said this to one of my friends.

Before getting up, I decided to give Laura the benefit of the doubt and not get mad at her, but to keep peace inside my heart. I knew if Laura asked to spend another night, our friendship was over. I would no longer be loyal to Laura as a friend but would instead keep her at a distance. I came downstairs with the mindset that Laura’s actions would tell me what her true intentions were. The question is would she be loyal to me or to Morrie?

I went downstairs and asked Laura what she wanted for breakfast. Laura replied eggs and toast. What we had for breakfast was not important to me.

I asked Laura what time she wanted me to take her home. Laura replied, Did you notice how I redecorated your kitchen? I felt your sunflowers looked better pulled off your garland, not the way you had it. I was hoping to spend another night with you and Morrie. Upon hearing these words I was so hurt. She had just asked me to spend another night right after the way Morrie talked to her. This meant Laura had chosen Morrie over our friendship. I decided to myself that I would still keep Laura’s friendship, but I would no longer have her near Morrie again! I told her I was hoping she wouldn’t ask me to spend another night again because I overheard her and Morrie talking this morning about him wanting to sleep with her. Laura asked Will you forgive me and please remain my friend? I replied to Laura that my loyalty to her was over; I knew she felt bad about her body and I avoided different men we both liked out the respect for our friendship. I forgot about all this until I sat down to write my book.

I asked Laura, What time do you want me to take you home?

So this opened me up to one of the biggest mistakes of my life! This same friend, Laura, wanted me to go with her to meet this guy she was talking to. She didn’t feel safe, so she asked me to go with her. I agreed to go, but when we arrived, Laura left me alone to go with his friend. The guy asked me to talk about all of the negativity my husband had put me through. He knew about this because Laura had told him what this man had done to me. At the time, I was estranged from Morrie and had filed for divorce. This man tried to use God and the Bible to get to me. At the time, I was so naive and spiritually lost because Morrie was spending all of his money at the strip clubs.

I was forced into a relationship with this man because of my papa’s abuse, and I was trying to get away from my papa. I was staying with my family at this time and saw no other way out. My papa constantly called me horrible names from a very young age. I remember our landlady telling me while I was moving out that she believed I was so sweet and too trusting, and that I was naïve about life. She went on to warn me that if I didn’t get into a good church and find God soon, I would end up going down the wrong path and someone bad would get ahold of me!

I didn’t know then what I know now. If I had, I would have listened to her, and heeded the pearls of wisdom she was giving me. But that man put something into my drink which made me unable to resist his advances and as a result he was able to violate me because he knew he couldn’t get me any other way. This is truly a sad testimony about the evil that’s in this world. He acted as though he was just going to be friend, however, I thought the guy was so gross. He was gritty and nasty to look at, his very appearance made my skin crawl, and I never wanted him to touch me at first, until that shameful night when I was manipulated into having a relationship with this man. Before that dreadful time, I had never ever acted like this before and Morrie was the only man I had known sexually. My doctor was the one who tried to get me to see the manipulation being performed by this evil man and the way he was able to gain control over me like he did. My doctor said this type of thing is actually more common than most people think, and that a lot of young girls end up becoming victims from these kinds of sex crimes. The first time it happened he did it through a cup of coffee. He would place this substance in my coffee in order to control me and my actions. Every time I ran to him to get away from my papa’s abuse he would offer me a special cup of coffee. You would have thought that after a while that I would have seen right through this; but the truth is I didn’t have any real-life lessons, which would have enabled me to know that men could act like this or that such a thing was even possible. Through manipulation he made me think it was all my doing, until the day my papa believed me. I freely wanted this person, but my papa would never have believed me and he started calling me a whore at the age of 5; he only thought the worst of me, after all I was the one who ruined his life by being born. I knew this based on my papa’s actions and because he also told me so with his own mouth more than once. I am sure Laura and her mother also believed the worst of me because of this manipulating man.

The man asked me if I wanted something to drink. I thought nothing of it at the time, for I was young and naïve. He came back with a glass of nasty stale generic pop. I took one drink and put it down on the table. My young baby girl Skylar was with me and she will drink whatever I would drink. He yelled at me saying, he only made the glass of pop for me and told me not to let her drink it! I thought that to be odd and asked him if it was just pop or did he put alcohol in the glass? I informed him that I didn’t drink alcohol or do drugs because of