On My Own: Gettin' Past the Past

By Lavez Robinson Sr.

This is the story of a once lost black man, giving compelling details of the trials, tribulations, and the ever changing circumstances surrounding him. Cursed from birth with unusual attributes; early on, he was faced with ridicule and constant criticism from not only peers, but also his parents. Desperate to be a part of something in a city plagued with hate, he was determined to escape the detrimental society that had withered away at the lives of so many. Therefore, he enlisted in the armed services after completing high school in hopes of finding his purpose in life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 8, 2013
• ISBN: 9781479761685

Lavez Robinson Sr.

Nothing about my life seems worthy enough to discuss in depth as most autobiographical works are and my experiences probably aren’t any different than the next man. Yet, still; I feel as though it is necessary to depict my experiences in an effort to educate, if only a single young man or woman, about the importance of understanding their purpose. I am neither a teacher nor scholar, instead, I am proof. Proof that dreams do come true, but only for those who dare to go the distance in following them. When you follow your dreams; you will find your purpose.

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Copyright © 2012 by Lavez Robinson Sr.

Library of Congress Control Number:                   2012923035

ISBN:               Hardcover                   978-1-4797-6167-8

                     Softcover                         978-1-4797-6166-1

                   Ebook                               978-1-4797-6168-5

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Contents

Chapter I . . . From whence I came

Chapter II . . . Treated Like a Step Child

Chapter III On My Own

Chapter IV Temporarily; Insane

Chapter V Paper Chasing

Chapter VI High School Highs and Lows

Chapter VII Decisions, Decision, Decisions

Chapter VIII Hold Over

Chapter IX Zero Week

Chapter X Basic Training

Chapter XI F N G’s

Chapter XII Deutschland

Chapter XIII . . . They Don’t Make ’em Like They Used To

Chapter XIV Only God Can Judge Me

Chapter XV Pilfered

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it

Life is a dream, realize it

Life is a challenge, meet it

Life is a duty, complete it

Life is a game, play it

Life is a promise, fulfill it

Life is a sorrow, over come it

Life is a song, sing it

Life is a struggle, accept it

Life is a tragedy, confront it

Life is an adventure, dare it

Life is luck, make it

Life is too precious, do not destroy it

Life is life, fight for it"

—Mother Teresa

For my son: La’Vez Robinson Jr.

One day you too will be a man.

Learn from my mistakes.

So that you will be;

. . . a better father

. . . a better husband

. . . a better man—than I.

To achieve any level of success in life,

self-discipline is a virtue, as is, patience.

—La’Vez Robinson Sr.

Foreword

I think it is important for people to share their life story with others because you never know; who, or how many people may be able to relate and/or learn from it. I started writing this book about ten years ago, though I kept putting it off, thinking maybe I will win the lottery or a bank truck will drive by and a money bag will fall out of the back of it. In either case; I wouldn’t have to work so hard, just to have a little. Unfortunately, that was not in Gods plan for me, and instead I’ve had to struggle in order to actually understand HIS purpose for me. And in doing so, I feel as though I have already won because of the fulfillment and joy I have found in completing the first task in which I am obligated to do. I am not telling my story for financial gain, although any success I may find in doing so shall be embraced, for it would be the grace of God. Instead, I am sharing my story in the hopes of maybe enlightening a single man, woman or child; so that he or she will not make the same mistakes or irrational decisions I have made, if even, my own son.

This book may not be written in the orthodox manner, in which people are used to, but it is my book and it is my chance to say what I want to say, in my own words. I am not afraid to be different and I am not afraid to be me; I am still a man, today; and I will still be a man, tomorrow—the man God wants me to be, for, HE is the one true judge.

To the women of the world:

You have to respect yourself if you expect anyone else to. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself, but stop trying to keep up with the joneses and living above your means for the sake of some ostentatious facade in which you struggle to maintain. You are the mothers and queens of this earth; know and understand we would not be here if it weren’t for the blessing of childbirth—the gift only a woman possesses. Cease taking care of these lazy, abusive, disrespectful, unappreciative men that do nothing more with their lives than get high and play video games, because while you are holding on to that hopelessness in order to escape loneliness, a good man might be passing you by. No one wants to be alone but, sometimes, we are actually better off by ourselves.

It isn’t wise to involve family in mundane affairs that may take place in your household because family has a tendency of seeing only one side and isn’t always the best source to seek for advice, and the same applies to so-called friends. Friends tend to think it is in your best interest to co-sign your opinion, having total disregard to the facts and/or logical solutions and therefore can do more harm than good. However; there is always that (one) friend that would never lead you astray, nor appease a situation by co-signing to things you might want to hear… That is the friend you should consort with other than the good Lord, otherwise, you should deal with relationship issues on your own because after all; you are an adult. In addition; break the habit of categorizing every man as being a dog, comparing irrelevant similarities of a past and obviously painful, relationship to present circumstances because the reality of it is simple; we are only human and therefore we may have similarities, but to say all men are dogs would be just absurd as saying all women are alike.

Stop being vindictive by undermining the children the two of you may have together. A household has to have order and authority can only be enforced when both parties are on the same accord. Once children have confidence and support from their mother, authority no longer exists and the father is automatically spited and looked upon as being the bad guy. Speaking together, children see, understand and respect the fact that mother and father’s authority cannot be separated. Don’t rebel against the husband—for any reason—because marriage is Holy matrimony and therefore you are rebelling against Gods will; the man is king of the household, period. Be the wife you are supposed to be and God will change him in time, so long as you stay right in Christ.

Time has always healed and patience has always revealed—the truth. Don’t let years go by clinging to a person you have come to realize will never get it together, and definitely don’t bear a child or three in an effort to keep or change him, for if a man does not have God in his heart, he will never change. If you separate from your spouse or mate, at least give the man some time to adjust to being on his own, especially when you know him to be a fairly decent man/father. He will continue to provide financial support for his children, as any responsible man would, so don’t fault him for not being able to come up with an amount that you think is feasible and be content that he is trying; trying to provide for his children and trying to be a part of their life/lives. A good man will do what he can in providing because a man only wants the best for his children, so don’t be so quick to involve the government by filing child support for your own personal benefit or because you feel a though it is not enough. When you do this, it draws a wedge between the man and his children because of the bitterness he has towards you for involving an agency that stereotypes all fathers as being deadbeats, so much so that the mother has to contact them in order for the man to fulfill his parental obligation of financial support.

Once the ball starts to roll; it doesn’t stop until the child reaches the age of 18, so if at any time a layoff period transpires; the ball continues to roll, ultimately putting us in a hole and the longer the layoff, the deeper the hole, until it is practically impossible for anyone to dig themselves out of. And when we do return to work, the amount of support increases to make up for lost time and usually means half the salary being garnished, regardless of living expenses. And the salary may not be the same as it was before an appropriate amount was originally established. So if he was earning $16/hr and the amount of $700 was set at that time, then suddenly a 5 dollar pay cut ensues, his obligation is still $700, plus the cost of healthcare; extremely difficult when other responsibilities have to be managed as well. This is the reason why so many men don’t even bother with a legitimate 40 hour a week job and instead seek other means to make a living, setting themselves up for a never-ending debt with the government until prison becomes the final outcome.

Now the children hate their father for not being around, and you loathe the thought of him for the same reason. With that in mind, ladies; understand this way of thinking hurts any chance of a relationship between a father and his children. Don’t get me wrong; if a man isn’t at the least, trying to provide, then you must take the necessary actions to protect the well-being of you and yours, but remember one thing; your actions have the potential to cause good men to become absent for the sake of being able to live. It may not be understood but, no one understands the moxie it takes to be a respectable (black) man, except a respectable (black) man. Surely love was shared at one point, so don’t make the man out to be just a lousy scumbag because it only reflects back on you and your own personal judgment because if you knew of these entirely negative attributes, why conceive a child by such a wretched person to begin with. Think first; discuss it; then move forward. And finally—stop calling that man your baby daddy because it makes you sound so uneducated. He is the father of your children—have some respect for him, and yourself.

If your guy becomes a victim of so-call "corporate downsizing, and/or is laid off: don’t beat him over the head about it; support that man, for this a time when he needs you the most. No man… or woman for that matter asks to be laid off but, shit happens. Let him know that you have his back and to keep his head up because things will work out as they always do. Try giving, rather than always wanting to be on the receiving end. If you are out and about and run across something you know your man might like or need, pick it up for him since he is your man, so he should be worth it. And just because he may go out and buy his self something nice, doesn’t mean you have to do the same thing, for it isn’t about competition. Be grateful that you have a man that doesn’t mind doing for himself. 11595.jpg

She makes one happy, then miserable. You are to her kind, then unkind. Constant yet inconstant. Thus we have WOMAN. No real man can do without her.

—Marcus Garvey

. . . For today’s adult:

Get to know the person before committing to a serious relationship, but more importantly; assure you are ready to commit to a serious relationship and if not—don’t. There is no point in being with someone if you are going to, or are planning on cheating; why waste each others time, in addition to hurting someone’s feelings in the process. Be honest with your mate, whether in marriage or exclusive dating, although marriage is sacred so honesty is an obligation. I mention somewhere that the world lacks decency these days and it’s because adults lack discipline. It all starts at home. A child follows the adults lead in the household, so if you aren’t concerned with proprieties; don’t expect your child to be. Everything a child knows and does reflect on you—the parent, so always use discretion in your own actions. When they do something foul; look at yourself before asking where they could’ve learned or gotten something in their head of that nature. Teach them the value of friendship and trust while their mind is in the state of absorbing information. Remember; you too were young once, so don’t be too hard on a youngster, especially if it’s something you also did at their age and they are a part of you. Everyone makes mistakes.

Don’t chastise or force a child into do something they don’t feel comfortable with because they will only rebel against it. Every one wasn’t meant to be famous athletes and entertainers. Understand and foster whatever ideas or aspirations your child might have, rather than push them to live out some dream of yours. Cultivate noticeable talents and encourage them to stay driven. Explain the importance of education and let them decide for themselves if college is what they want to do after high school. Commend them on academic achievements and reward them for being a good student; this will only inspire them to strive even more. Be the type of parent you want them to be and always set a positive example, for you are not only their parent, but also their role model. And finally; it is important to teach a child about responsibilities in their early years, i.e. picking up after themselves and also help out in keeping a tidy household. Asking them to do these things as a teenager is a waste of time because they are already used to doing things a certain way and its even more difficult if you—the parent—are not doing so.

With success comes sacrifice; some greater than others depending on how far you are willing to go. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices in order to achieve certain goal we have set for ourselves. Let nothing stop you from pursuing your dreams. Anything is possible if you are willing to put in the effort and go after it, for the world will not change for you; instead, you must take it upon yourself to change the world. 11597.jpg

God and Nature first made us what we are, and then out of our own genius we make ourselves what we want to be. Follow always that great law. Let the sky be our limit and Eternity our measurement.

—Marcus Garvey

. . . For the young folks:

People love to say: You can be anything in life if you put your mind to it, and this is true but, they fail to tell you the other half of this cliché. Your level of education will ultimately dictate how far you can reach. In other words; without a high school education, your options are limited. The way you speak and the way you carry yourself is what people will notice right away and, right or wrong, will make an assumption based solely on their perception. Tattoos and piercings will play a major role when deciding if you are worthy of employment so think about where you put them, before hand.

Be careful of the company you keep, as people you think are your friends might have a hidden agenda for associating themselves with you. Respect and take notes from your elders; they were once your age so they might know a thing or two about a thing or two. There is nothing wrong with being different. Don’t be afraid to be yourself; damned everybody else and what other people think. Envy is a sin. Learn your purpose in life; dare to follow your dream, and always remember that as you grow in life: try to improve yourself, rather than prove yourself. 11599.jpg

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

—Nelson Mandela

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

—Mahatma Gandhi

As for men, and those who think they are…

First of all; know your worth. You don’t have to try to be the man because you are the man. Quit hanging on to a jive ass woman that only thinks about herself, because that’s not the one God intended you to be with. It’s about compatibility not competition, so get to know yourself and then you will know what you want out of a woman. There is nothing wrong with making necessary changes for your companion as long as you see fit to do so. Don’t make sacrifices for someone who is not willing to make the sacrifices nor compromise for you; you are only playing yourself and will be made to look like fool in the end. I don’t condone cheating on a woman but, if you must (temptation only effects the weak minded); be sure that it is worth losing what you already have at home. If you love that woman—tell her, everyday, for it only makes you a more admirable man in your woman’s eyes. Tell her she is beautiful; there is no point in always acting macho, because you’d better believe; what you don’t do for her—another man will. Surprise her with flowers every now and then; they love that sort of stuff. And remember: The homeboys will be there; that woman might not always be…

Get off your ass and do something constructive with your life, other than get high and lay around waiting for your woman to bring home a paycheck. If you happen to be laid off: earn your keep. Do the dishes or the laundry; whatever it is your mate would normally around the house; take some of the load off her back. Enroll in a class; try and better yourself and do for yourself because at the end of the day, you are still a man so do something to validate that fact. She may smile in your face; then again, she might play the quiet role… Either way—something is brewing inside of her mind and it’s only a matter of time before she drops the bomb and tells you to: Call Tyrone… And tell him to come and help you get your shit, because she is through dealing with your sorry ass. We are men; kings of castles; leaders to others… No matter how hard things get; believe and remember—it is in our nature to persevere and overcome whatever obstacles standing in our way.

If you are dating a woman who has children by someone else other than you, then it also obligates you to care for those seeds as you would care for your own. A woman will always put her child/ren before you and don’t expect them to take your side. It is a natural bond children have with their Mother and therefore you will always be just an outsider. Because when and if you decide to leave; they still have themselves. Alls you can do is be supportive in whatever they do and show that you care and eventually they will show you the love they would show their own father. And if not; don’t sweat it because when it’s all said and done: You are not the father.

It does not make you more of a man to hit a woman; that course of action is cowering because there’s too much other shit to take your aggression out on. Picture that woman as being your Mother or Grandmother, or daughter… Would you punch one of them? Probably not, though I know how a woman can say things that make you want to strangle them, and yes, the truth hurts and a lot of women don’t know what how to play their position. Again, that isn’t the woman for you, however; when you feel yourself getting to that point where you want to put hand on them; just leave for a while. Go somewhere and cool off. If the episodes continue, then you need to think about moving on before you do something (now) and paying for it later. Women are queens and mothers of this earth, so treat them accordingly.

Provide for yours; be a father to your children, even if from afar. Don’t disassociate yourself from your children because of bitterness towards their Mother, for it is not their fault. Assure them that you will always be there, and explain to them why and if you aren’t. Avoid being disrespectful towards women if a child is present because they remember shit like that and will follow your lead. Avoid playing music full of profanity and unrighteous aspirations because it is nothing more than detrimental ideology. How much longer will gang banging be glorified? How many more generations will lives continue to be taken over logos on ball caps or the color of a t-shirt? As I said before; we are kings and therefore should be trying to accomplish things so that we can be remembered—like the kings before us, i.e. James, Solomon, and Dr. Martin Luther. If you have extensive knowledge of something—share it. Open a book every now and then—knowledge is power. Humble yourself.

Quit trying to be something you are not; if you cannot walk the walk, don’t talk the talk. Before long, someone is going to come along and put those fabricated characteristics to the test and pull your card. Be yourself… God didn’t intend for every man to be the same, though created each of us equally. They say a man isn’t supposed to cry, but… who lied? 11601.jpg

All men are created equal; it is only men themselves who place themselves above equality.

—David Allan Cole

For the world:

Racism is like an Ipod that skips; like trying to wipe your ass with cheap toilet paper; raking leaves in the wind… It is ludicrous, annoying, and pointless, and not to mention—unethical. Niggers come in all colors. Every ethnic group has an esoteric bunch; outcasts; trash; uncouth; rude and unmannerly. If God made everyone the same color, we would still find a way to complain about certain groups. Instead; live your life; renew your mind to kingdom principles and understand—things may sound strange because your mind has adjusted to the worldly way of thinking. 11603.jpg

Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn’t matter which color does the hating. Its just plain wrong.

—Muhammad Ali

Prologue

Understanding My Purpose

Nothing about my life seems worthy enough to discuss in depth as most autobiographical works are and I probably didn’t grow up any different than the next man, yet I still feel as though it is necessary to depict my experiences in an effort to educate just one young man or woman on how not to be, using myself as an example as well as proof; proof that anything can be accomplished with hard work and a little help from the man upstairs. What choices not to make; what paths not to take; the importance of listening; the understanding of there being a time to lead as well as a time to follow; that it is okay to be different—the opposite of others—an individual. My story is not filled with pleasantries; it is neither cute nor friendly, as contrived stories are; it consists of lies and dishonor, of confusion and outlandishness—like the lives of all men who come to terms with themselves and over-stand the meaning of righteousness.

It took me a while to figure some things out and it wasn’t until countless years and so many mistakes later that I came to the realization of what needed to be done. I remember sitting in my living-room drinking a cup of coffee on that early, cold February morning while contemplating my next move just a day after my job laid me off when suddenly, I had an epiphany! I decided to begin writing a book—an autobiography—as if it were that easy. Having a ton of unfinished short stories and numerous journals in the past, I knew how to put words to paper, but all of my prior writing was basically free-styled and unpolished. But, still, I felt deeply about it as though it was an obligation; my calling in life.

I wasn’t born with the athleticism of a ball-player, unlike nearly all of my cousins whom are all outstanding sportsmen. Sure, I probably could’ve developed the little skills I have into something bigger, but, I wasn’t really afforded the opportunities to do so. The streets were mean and unforgiving so to avoid any of us becoming a casualty, my parents kept us sheltered from the outside. Most kids my age were out learning to play different sports, tumble, ride bikes, etc., while my siblings and I acted as spectators from the windows of our 3rd floor apartment. Looking back, I feel like I was cheated out of most of my childhood. Instead of being outdoors, I would sit in my room either reading a book or copying the lyrics of songs on the radio. When I got bored with that, I started writing about things I saw from my window; the gangster Bloods, the peddlers, murder, poverty, and everything in between.

I probably could’ve been an MC if it weren’t for the fact I stutter when trying to say too many things at once; a family trait. And with my vocabulary—I might’ve been one to be reckoned with, but, obviously being a rapper/musician wasn’t in Gods plan for me. By the time I hit high school, my skills for sports as well as writing had improved significantly, though being a professional ball player was something I never fathomed because to me it was never a reality. My Mother preached the importance of education when I was still in diapers and so I strived to be a good student, cultivating the skills in which I knew lye within me; drawing and writing. I had the ability to draw whatever I put my mind to and if my HS had an art program, I would’ve easily gotten a scholarship. In composition, my talent for writing began to show, as my teacher would frequently embarrass me by selecting one of my stories and then read it to the class.

I never thought of becoming a writer because it always seemed way out of my reach, my league even. As a teenager, my aspirations were to be either an astronaut or a fire fighter; I was a dreamer. Instead, I was sworn into the Army immediately after high school, seeing it as not only a way to escape the custody of my parents, but also to better myself. Close to three years later, I found the military wasn’t a place for me and consequentially a discharge was passed down, under other than honorable conditions. For being discharged in such a fashion, my options for employment were limited to working jobs I practically hated, mostly telemarketing gigs. Married with a child and living under my wife’s parent’s roof, I did what I had to do to take care of my responsibilities. I drank heavily, to the point where I’d get inebriated and lose my cool, ranting and raving and knocking shit over. Their patience had run its course and eventually they put me out.

It took more than a year to shake the monkey off my back, while still adjusting with the transition from military to civilian. I went back to my parent’s house for a while but I was well past the point of tolerating my step-father malarkey and contrived demeanor towards me in which my Mother continued to pretend not seeing, so I tried my Uncle, Stanley’s house. It was fine for a while but since he and my Mother share the same blood, naturally they shared similarities. It was only a matter of time before my uncle and I would end up bumping heads, so I gathered my things and had my cousin drop me off at a men’s shelter. That only lasted until a co-worker, Jacob, invited me to stay with him and his mom until I could get it together. I was as skeptic of staying there as his Mother was of a having a stranger living in her basement, nonetheless; she gave me a piece of her mind before permitting me to do so.

To pull my own weight, I pitched in on groceries, emptied the trash, washed dishes, etc. Meanwhile, my wife was pregnant with our second child and before long; we had enough money to finally get our own place. It wasn’t much but, it didn’t matter as long as we were together. JT and I became good friends during the time I stayed there and if it wasn’t for the kindness he and his Mother showed me, I probably would’ve lost my mind for having put myself in such a blight position. Up until then; I had been a negative influence on my fellow soldiers; an infidel husband; a disdained father; a lost soul.

After the birth of my daughter, things slowly began to come together and it was only after I took the advice of my ministering Uncle, Ray, and finally went back to the place in which my families’ values where built upon; church. And we prayed… together… A few months later I was putting my carpentry skills to use as a maintenance technician for a management company. I held the position for a number of years, allowing us to live on properties we may have otherwise not qualified to rent. Due to unequal opportunities and racial inequities within the company, I felt it was best to resign and take my skills elsewhere. For having been employed since the age of 14, I had never really noticed how prejudice Missouri was before then, as the racial injustices continued to take place within a number of companies I tried working for.

I’d never been one to buy into the hype of the white man not giving the black man any breaks until I began to experience the unfairness first hand. I suffered the hardships of being laid off not once, but twice and even though we got by; my wife was always dissatisfied. She expected me to grin and bear the circumstances no matter how unfavorable they might have been and when I found myself unemployed things only got worse. Cleaning the house and taking care of our children while she worked during the day wasn’t good enough for a wanna-be, white-collared wife. Unemployment covered my portion of the bills but, still; respect no longer existed. I refused to take any nickel and dime job that might have presented itself because I knew my family and I deserved better, and to just roll over and accept whatever job the white man wanted to give me was not the way I wanted to raise my children, particularly my son.

The wife refused to accept my way of thinking, for we were from two different worlds. She never had to endure any hardships growing up and since her step-father was the CEO of a company, her Mother worked to support detrimental habits and nothing more. Well, apparently my wife had the same philosophy, however; I was raised to believe in a 50/50 effort otherwise, a relationship/marriage would never work. And since she worked at a bank, thanks to her mother’s reputation, she didn’t have to face having to deal with the shit I had to; she didn’t understand what it was to be a (black) man because she wasn’t a man. We no longer lived the lavish, town home lifestyle that once supported her high-maintenance disposition and six years later, we knew it was over.

My marriage was over and I was on my own again, just like I was growing up. I fell into a state of depression for a few months, for I had been with this woman since high school. I was miserable and wouldn’t you know; my employer sold the property in which I worked and laid the entire staff off. Things started to take a left turn and I began having suicidal thoughts, wondering why I was even here in the first place, never mind the fact I had two children to father.

Hell; I’m insured so maybe it would be more beneficial to them if I was deceased… I thought. Had it not been viewed as sin I probably would’ve ended my life with one shot to the cranium but that would’ve been taking the easy way out and I quickly rebuked the thought. I was lost and without direction; that is, until, I came to the realization that God couldn’t have put me down here for the sole purpose of punching a time clock for a living, but its punching time clocks day