Confessions of a Dysfunctional Father: How Not To Parent A-Z

By Reginald McPherson

Reginald McPherson, author of “Wit & Wisdom from a Fool”, tells all in “Confessions of a Dysfunctional Father: How Not to Parent from A-Z. He talks honestly and candidly about his parenting skills—the successes and the mistakes. He encourages the reader to see his own dysfunction and come to own it, to learn from it, and how to become a better parent once knowing it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dunn Deal Publishing
• Release date: Dec 6, 2011
• ISBN: 9780984947607

Reginald McPherson

Reginald McPherson is a free lance writer that is now living in Lihue Hawaii. Reginald's first book, "Wit & Wisdom from a Fool, quotes, quips, and poetry has been well received and has inspired him to venture further. Being single, a self-proclaimed gypsy, Reginald has lived in North Carolina, Berkeley, California,and Lake Tahoe and now enjoys calling Lihue home. A very opinionated person and not afraid to expresshis views openly, he has met controversy with a monthly newsletter he created called "THE ARTERY." It is his intention to continue writing because he describes it as therapeutic. Reginald is also an avid photographer enjoying taking vacations in scenic places for the sole purpose of capturing the ultimate shot. Being published, Reginald describes it as a dream come true and nudges others to write as well.

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Confessions of a Dysfunctional Father

hownot to parent, A-Z

by Reginald McPherson

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2011 by Reginald McPherson

Smashwords Edition License Notes

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INTRODUCTION

To some this is an introduction; to others, a reunion. My first book, Wit & Wisdom from a Fool, was my chance to get my feet wet, and realize that writing a book isn’t as easy as I thought. It’s also not as difficult as many of you feel it is. It sure could have used better editing.

My purpose for this book is pretty simple, just as I have been most my life. Of course, I have learned that simplicity isn’t always the most accepted or understood approach.

There is a serious parenting problem in this country, and I almost want to stretch it to include the rest of the world. I hesitate because I only speak on things I know about, or feel very comfortable with. Having never left the U.S. (yet) I am not qualified to speak on other countries.

The most important problem with parenting is communication; between mother, father, and kids. (Yes I said important. Problems are important. They let you know where you are, where you need to be, and sometimes if you will, get to where you want to be.)

Everyone has something to say, but it seems no one wants to take the time to listen. Having to be right or the last word has destroyed far too many potentially great relationships and families. Too often when the parents are not on the same page, it leads to confusion and disorder. This disorder resonates throughout the family and the children use this as an opportunity to wreak havoc on their own lives and literally all those around them in the form of crime and disrespect for all and any. Also, it is a power struggle of sorts. Each parent seems to try to impose their will on the family and no real outline of what the family objective is; or if there really is an objective. This is something that should be discussed prior to having kids, marriage and maybe even prior to dating.

The archaic structure of dating, marrying, and parenting should be revised in a meaningful way that reflects today’s social needs and not some outdated worn version of the Good ol’ Days, (In defense of "The Good ol’ Days; at least morals were present, which are a major player in this game of life.)

Funny we ran straight at sex. We conquered that taboo first. Wrong. You work on the heart first; the body will certainly take care of itself.

Another problem with parenting is the professional syndrome. Too many feel that they need the advice of alleged professionals. Those with the alphabets behind their names immediately become the ones to trust. Well, honestly, this isn’t as true as one would like to believe. I remember listening to a friend, a sheriff’s deputy; tell about how he and his wife had a conflict. Out of anger the wife called the police. When they arrived one of the officers was a young 21 year old man. The friend asked if he were married and he said no. My friend then proceeded to tell him to get out of his house. He wondered how was it the officer could handle a domestic situation if he knew nothing about it. Seems to me the same applies to the professionals. A degree does not compensate for a lack of experience.

As pointed out in Wit & Wisdom, there are tons of horse sense avenues available. Your parents raised you without Dr. Phil. They had sex without Dr. Ruth, and built houses without The Tool Guy. Common sense though not always common is truly the best, most reliable recourse you have. Gut feeling exists for a reason, and listening to it will offer just as much insight to your concerns as going to one labeled an expert. All the horoscopes, chants, open forums, retreats require the same thing, input from you. When you visit the doctor, the first question you’re asked is What’s the problem? Where does it hurt? How long…? Isn’t the doctor supposed to be the expert? Then why is he asking you questions? You have to diagnose your own life and trust your own counsel. You have to have had parents that encouraged common sense or thinking for yourself.

Parents that understood the importance of knowing and being Self; often raised self confident, successful, children. Unfortunately, many parents weren’t taught these things themselves, and didn’t know how to pass down something they did not have. Some tried to raise the child on the negative with positive intentions. (If you keep hanging with that boy you are going to end up in jail.) They were trying to frighten you towards the path they thought was best. This really only delayed growth because the one person you trusted to shield you through life and guide you, was in fact most confusing. Sometimes the scars from these well intentioned abuses either took years to erase or never left.

You would think this would be different in affluent families but history does not support this. Their dysfunctions are just as great as (if not greater than) those born in poverty or meager means. Less affluent families had less to squander so mistakes were fewer. They literally couldn’t afford to drive the invisible Cadillac into the pool they didn’t have.

What I want to offer or hope to achieve in this book is a better understanding- an understanding of how this all happened, some insight as to how to get out of, to avoid, and to reconstruct. Finally, maybe, to share some of what it means to be a parent and a little of what to expect from your kids.

Some would argue that I have no real authority or professional training on this subject. I cannot deny fair criticism - but in a real, practical sense, who better to understanding than one who has done it, done it incorrectly, and learned from the mistakes he made?

Face it - the experts have failed you. Family life in this country was far better when grandma was older than thirty-five, the old folks next door were greeted with ma’am and sir, you had the right to discipline your own, and there were family rules which you complied with. You had morals, scruples, and there were some things considered sacred, you just didn’t violate them.

One of the first responses to this text is what makes me an authority on the topic? I have been married three times yielding three kids, one by each wife. If nothing else, I certainly know what not to do. I have observed myself, my kids, and their mothers. I have also been honest enough with me to admit what went wrong on my part first and surrounding elements last. Truth is, all that happens in your life is your fault, or mistake, or sin, if you insist but we will deal with that later.

In order to get the most (or anything) from this manuscript; you have to see self. Once you see yourself there has to be a need, desire, will to change. One has to have the courage to do what is best for them and not conforming to societal norms or ab-norms as I prefer to call them. These steps are essential. If you cannot see yourself then this will only be amusing at best and rants from a fool on the minimal end.

There is no attempt here to blame you so there is no need to get defensive about what is presented. Once you don’t feel the need to take it personal tremendous growth is possible. Most of the chapters and a lot of the information may seem unrelated to parenting. Only to your present mind will this seem so. As you grow and learn and if you keep your mind open, most of this will make good sense. All items discussed here are related to parenting, how you were, how you did, and how you are now doing. Just as each grain of sand is not the beach. Every grain makes up the beach. Where you are determines what you do, parenting, working, dreaming, meditating.

I am not concerned with how society interprets you, what you feel your importance is, or how many accolades you have accumulated. You are dysfunctional. We all are. The real question here is, now what? Will you continue to travel the robotic path that was chosen for you by those not knowing or will you resist the gravity of a conformed life?

Why should you take me seriously? No reason. I make no claims to being the authority on parenting. I made that known in the title. What I am doing is sharing. Sharing the things I have learned and of course the things I did not so much incorrectly but could have been done better and yeah, some things I just did wrong.

In defensive reality; I did some great things as a father. Not all was dysfunctional or poorly chosen; there just was not a sufficient balance. At least now you have the heads up on where I was. You now know what did not work. Run with it. Grab all in this that works for you and throw the rest away. I am just a little too vain to think there is nothing in this text you can use or would benefit you in your life. Here’s to hoping you find it.

In this writing you will see a ton of things that don’t seem to have much to do with parenting. I beg to differ. All contributes to parenting. Just as the saddle effects the rider that affects the horse that affects the race, all the chapters included have a very direct as well as indirect effect on parenting. All these items are part of the preparation(s) for life. Your life as a person and your life as a parent will be touched. We aren’t all parents but we all parent. You parent your kids and you parent the neighbors, strangers, and all the children that cross your path in life. Too often in this ever changing society we rush to the end. We rush to the end of a day, a job, a movie, a meal, a conversation, a life, without consideration of all the little intricate parts in between. Maybe this will aid in slowing you down just a little. If no more is accomplished than to stimulate thought, debate, and to consider another way of raising your kids, choosing a mate, and understanding some of the variables; my goal will have been fulfilled because consciousness is where it all begins.

Respectfully,

Reginald McPherson, poet, philosopher, author, photographer, fool.

Dedication

Erica, Kali, Biko, Anthony,

My love for you is never dysfunctional

Chapter One

You are going to want someone to know you were here. That’s how you live after death…

to breed or not to breed, is there any question?

I can’t remember this question ever coming up in any of my male dialogues nor the office politics. It appears to be another one of the societal secrets. It reeks all too strongly of the story I read in fifth grade, The Emperor’s New Clothes. Men were and are too comfortable with their ignorance on some subjects. There is too much socially accepted attitude. You don’t hear men in the barbershop talking about much more than sex, politics, and sports. Just as it took time for women to admit to their sexuality, be given the right to vote, and to go out into the workforce with the audacity to think they could command the same salaries as a man. It appears it is going to take some time for men to break the robotic habitual tradition of child bearing. We have a long way to go towards being receptive to any real revolutionary dialogue on the question of why you would have a child and how to raise it once it arrives. The age old reasons will continue to suffice for the moment.

HOW IT STARTED, SORT OF

The obvious I can state without fear of contradiction is people have had children since the first couple. Of course the reason(s) then was to populate the earth, a response to passion, and their parents did it. Without wasting your time on the history of the world I will begin with where I am comfortable. The early sixties..

As a child, I remember knowing all the people on my street. I knew everybody in each house all the way down and past my own. It seems anybody ten minutes older than you were called Mr. or Ma'am in my youth. Sex was pretty much in the closet. Not just if you were gay but everybody. You never really talked about it, definitely not to your parents. You were told what not to do and when not to do it. The pill was just beginning to gain publicity and anybody not married would sneak and have sex. Many of those who were married would sneak and do it too, but this isn't about that. Teenage pregnancies were hidden. Families would move to save face. If a young girl became pregnant her parents would send her off to private school, if they could afford it. Those that could not afford it would often send them off to a relative in another state. When the girl returned, sometimes the child would be passed off as a sister and the mother would assume the parenting. There were abortions considered, but in the period that I am discussing, abortions were rare and considered taboo. So much was kept hidden there is no wonder why there were kids being had by kids. That certainly hasn't changed. Planned Parenthood wasn't in full effect, so sex was pretty much trial and error. Condoms were it. You either used them, or you didn't. Not everyone used them all the time. The peer pressure by young adults not using use them created kids out of wedlock and out of adulthood. There were just as many single parents (percentage wise) in the homes with two parents where morals were present.

In the dysfunctional families of the past, young girls would view having children as a grown up way of playing house. This game was like the introduction to sex. Sex was had where ever and whenever possible. A popular routine was when the parents went to work. Otherwise, you were skipping school, having hooky parties or at a sleepover with a friend. If the boy was fortunate enough to have a car, this would be the best place. All they needed was a dark road. There is more than one child in America named Chevy. My own oldest daughter could have been named Nimitz or Aquatic. She was conceived on the Nimitz freeway next to Aquatic Park. This brings me to my own dysfunction. Everyone has some form of dysfunction, but my greatest accomplishment and dysfunction fall into the same category. Parenting.

Girls did it to feel like an adult, boys did it just for the satisfaction and peer -pressure. Going to the next level seemed natural and again the girls would do it to compensate for the love that may have been missing. Especially if they lived with a single parent and the father was not present. A well versed, grown, or fast boy would give them a father figure to look up to. Having his child was her chance to be the mother, grown woman and have the family she dreamed of and was missing from her life. Even if the girl was from a home with two parents sometimes they would be viewed as being too strict.

Of course getting a good girl was always a challenge. She was the forbidden fruit, something to be prized, and cherished. Her parents guarded her like an inmate. In the male world, manhood was defined in many dysfunctional ways and having a kid was simply one of them. Bagging the girl that all others wanted was another, the trophy, notch on the bed post.

The girl and I say girl because the boys were pretty much irresponsible and his parents as well would sometimes try to blame the girl saying she either seduced their son or placed herself in that position. There were also rare cases where the daughter was pressured to put the child up for adoption.

Though there seems to be no meaningful cases or records of this, I personally know of a few that did, and it left the mother with irreparable scars. For a teenager, having to abandon a child as a child contributed to serious psychological dysfunctions. In these examples there was no choice in parenting. The choice had already been made. But even in the cases where they were married or engaged the children were not so much planned as they were what were expected of them. They were simply following tradition. This is what you did when you got older. You got married, got a job and had kids.

PRESSURES/ POOR REASONING

The parents were getting older and wanted grandchildren.

The young couple placed tremendous amounts of pressure on themselves to start that family. They could barely be out of college or in their early twenties when friends and family would start asking when. Some of the grandparents had not had a real chance to parent. They were in the same cycle and hadn't really understood what parenting was about so here was their chance to vicariously live. To control, to make demands or still parent