Captivity or Freedom

By Denise Ratliff

This book is about the journey of a woman lonely, troubled and in pain most of her life. Living in a world of turmoil she tosses and turns through lifes cycles. As she got older each year of life became more challenging and she felt even more confused, hurt and alone.
Psychiatrist, medications, group meetings, society/work situations nor family, nor friends can answer life's questions about her beginning or present state. Seeking, but not being able to find answers through any other source as she became a woman of age she began longing for and searching for those answers. Will she finally find the answers she needs to get her through each moment, each day, each year..
As she continues her journey through life she started looking for answers as to why so much pain? Why was she so different from the rest of the world?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 29, 2012
• ISBN: 9781469189819

Denise Ratliff

I was born Denise Garrett on June 16, 1957. I was a Father’s Day baby and my parents were overjoyed. I was raised on the south side of Chicago. I graduated from Hyde Park High School in June 1975. I later went to Harold Washington College where I majored in English and Accounting. I then went to East West University where I majored in Sociology. I started writing at age 10 and have always loved writing as a way of comforting myself. I have written most of my life and that has led me to write this book.

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Copyright © 2012 by Denise Ratliff.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2012905725

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4691-8980-2

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4691-8979-6

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4691-8981-9

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Contents

Introduction

Childhood

High School

Finding Me

Great Tribulation 2010

Work

A Little Talk With Jesus

Trying to Put the Pieces Together

Conclusion

Help Is A Call Away

General Information

Dedication

This book is dedicated to: Jesus my Lord and Savior who gave me the wisdom, strength and courage to go on this journey; Charlotte Garrett And Charles Garrett (Deceased 1967, 2007 respectively) my beloved parents who gave me birth and taught me how to live morally right; I love them both eternally and they will always be in my heart.

My daughters: Jacqueline and Charlotte who have given me great joy, love and support throughout the years. My two grandsons Prince and Zayvion, the loves of my life. They bring me great joy and it is a blessing seeing them grow up. My big sis Deb my sister-my friend, my big brother Charles the talented writer, philosopher and humor guy, my younger brother Michael, God’s Warrior, friend and chief spiritual advisor to the family. I wish them love, peace, happiness and prosperity in their lives to round it up without further individual descriptions, I love you all. You mean the world to me. Thanks for everything.

Dr. Buch and Little Company of Mary (LCM) Behavioral Health Staff—Thank you guys for saving my life over and over again. Shout out to Peggy and Diane—Best Counselors of all time. A valuable new addition to my LCM family lifesavers Kim.

Introduction

I was born in Chicago, Illinois on Father’s Day in 1957. I grew up on the South side of Chicago. There were happy days I spent with my family and there was the dark side. My mom a dedicated southern wife born in Tennessee and my dad a strong willed southern man born in Alabama.

My mom gave all of the love and affection of a mother. My dad was the hard-nosed disciplinarian. I do not remember a lot about my mom because she passed when I was 10 years old from complications of high blood pressure. I only remember mostly the dark side. My mom would get us up in the wee hours of the morning and take us to our relative’s house. My dad abused her physically and emotionally and she would gather us and run.

It was not until after her death that I felt strange as if I were not part of the family. As a matter of fact, I sometimes felt as if I was not of this world. It’s just that my makeup was different. I did not understand my reckoning in comparison to others of this world. I could not put my hands on what was wrong, but I felt different than my siblings. I remember isolating myself and sitting in a corner in a fetal position. I would often hear my dad say to my siblings do not pay her any attention. She is in her shell.

I went through school feeling very empty inside and alone. Though as I got older, I had lots of friends and was very popular. I did not ask to be popular or put on an act to be popular. I was just me. I drew people to me, even though I myself did not feel that great about myself.

My dad was the greatest father. He was a good provider and loved us very much. He spent individual time with each of us to get to know us better. He was a very intelligent self-educated man and pressed us to get our education. He taught us good morals and values. He taught us about respecting others and doing things the right way. He said right would always win even though we might not feel like it. He said our mind would be at rest and we could always live with ourselves and our decisions.

Childhood

I do not remember much about school teachers and friends doing my school years. I do remember starting with fifth grade. It was so much fun. I loved learning and of course recess. That was at least until I was approached by the school bully. This girl had the same first name as mine, Denise and we both went to Alexander Dumas Elementary School.

I remember after School every day, she would approach me calling me names. I went home and told my big brother and sister and they said she’s just talking, call her bluff and talk back tough. I went to School the next day confident and unafraid. It was a dark rainy day. After School, Denise approached me with the nasty name calling again and I threw a few nasty names back at her. She then snatched my raincoat, as it was open, and pushed me in a muddy water puddle. I got up crying walking toward home. She followed me, taunting me all the way home. My dad came out with his belt. It reminded me more of a whip, as it was very long and thin. He sternly said if you do not fight her back, I am going to whip your tail. Those weren’t his exact words, but I will try to keep it clean. Try . . . .

I did not want the belt, so I took the lesser of two evils and started defending myself. Much to my surprise, I gave her a good beat down. My dad gave me .25 cents. I was so proud of myself; I said I would never be picked on again. I went to School the next two days and started a fight with her. I beat her down every time. This was the beginning of my tough girl reputation at School. If you beat the toughest person in the group, you won the new tough spot.

I was so excited to go home and tell dad and get a couple of more quarters of course. I happily told Dad and he asked me to sit down, he wanted to talk to me. He said that you are supposed to defend yourself, but you are not supposed to start fights. He explained I was doing the same thing she was doing to me, being a bully, taking advantage of a person I knew I could beat. I understood what he was saying and would never; well almost never start a fight again. I completed grade school without having another fight.

High School

I was very excited about the first day of high school and seeing some of my grade school friends. I attended Hyde Park High School. My reputation was already known as one not to mess with. So I had no fights in high school. Again, I do not remember a lot about friends or teachers. I do know I had three remarkable teachers: Ms. Francis Morris, Ms. Sarah Mills and Mr. Butler. They were my Office Occupation teachers and Mr. Butler was my Business Math teacher. I took the class all four years.

I did not know these teachers would teach me about being a respectful lady, loving and honoring myself as well as the skills to be a successful office worker. They were like teacher moms; you could talk to them about anything and trust them. They were loving and receptive, but they were teachers first and pushed us to be nothing less than the best in the corporate world. In high school, this was my growing up journey. It also was my safe haven. I felt safe and I felt strong as I had trusted teachers and I received good grades. I buried myself in work to hide the pain and sorrow deep within me. I was in school, people seemed to like me, but I really did not get it. I did not feel as if I were special or great. Everyone knew the cool perky Denise. Only I knew the lonely, sad Denise that was hidden inside. I graduated. Now it was time for phase two surviving in the world.

High School also brought me grief, though no one really knew. I was yet again very popular, but inside I was lonely and empty longing for my mom. All the high school girls talked about their moms and things they did together. You have the mother-daughter events like teas, luncheons and of course prom. I did not participate in any high school mother-daughter events because I felt out of place because I did not have a mom and I was in great pain.

I did not have any high school boyfriends because they all seemed too immature. I had friends or should I say associates that latched onto me as I trusted no one. I was afraid if I let anyone in they would hurt me. I did not want to hurt anymore.

I recall in my younger years when my distrust began. I had a crush on this guy in my neighborhood. I told my close friend and next thing you know she is dating the guy. In later years, I told her about another guy I had a crush on and she dated him. As a matter of fact, she married him and they are still married today with a lovely family. I am not